How to Obtain a Reverse Harem in Naruto
by Darkpetal16
Summary: A rewrite of Sakura. In which a blunt, and eccentric OC is placed into the body of Sakura Haruno at the start of the series. Nothing at all could possibly go wrong.
1. Prologue

**This is a rewrite of my story called Sakura.** This rewrite has come to fruition because 1.) I need to reignite my muse for her story in order to finish Sasori 2.) the original story was a grammar hell hole and 3.) it's about damn time.

 _ **Summary** : In which a blunt, and eccentric OC has been placed in Haruno Sakura's body at the start of the series. What could possibly gone wrong?_

 _ **Disclaimer** : I, Darkpetal16, do not own the loveliness that is Naruto._

 _ **Warning** : This story was written for shits and giggles. :)_

 _ **Beta** : Much help done by Skye Shy. Thank you, my friend!_

 _ **Edited** : 02/17_

 _ **Edited** : 4/17_

* * *

I had signed my death warrant the moment I stepped onto that street. It honestly wasn't my fault, well mostly.

A quick glance left and right showed an empty street, well at least empty from my point of view. I didn't take into account how the right side of the street curved sharply at a right angle, and then disappeared from view.

I crossed the street at a sedate pace, my spatial awareness non-existent. I was debating whether to rewatch all of Naruto or to simply start at Shippuden, a very important decision as I'm sure you'd understand.

 _BEEEEEEEP_!

Jolted back into reality, I snapped my head towards the noise. Racing at speeds many miles past the limit was a white semi-truck. Although it was a narrow street, I could have possibly, maybe have jumped out of the way. But all I could think of was... _God fucking damnit_.

Instead I froze.

I just stood there like a deer in the headlights, trapped in a paralysed state of fear, unable to move a muscle. My mind was repeating the same mantra like a broken record: _oh my god, fuck, shit, damnit, fuck my life_.

Next thing I knew the two tonne truck slammed into me and all I could feel was pain, so much pain. It was everywhere; bones breaking, blood boiling, skin burning, organs rupturing, lungs drowning. Being set on fire would've been a walk in the park compared to this.

Just when I thought the pain could not get any worse, a white hot burning sensation crawled across my neck. My thoughts were cut off as my consciousness couldn't process the overwhelming intake of signals erupting from my neck.

And just like that, the pain was over.

Finding out that you're a transparent, shapeless mass floating ten feet in the air staring at the scene of your death is certainly a jarring experience. The truck driver had slammed down on his brakes bringing the truck to a shuddering halt. He threw open his door and rushed towards where my body lay, which brought my attention to the gruesome scene before me.

I had been reduced to roadkill, _headless_ roadkill.

To say that there was blood was an understatement, my body was literally swimming in its own pool of it. The front of the truck was covered in the stuff as well, I felt for the poor person who had to clean it off. Then there was the matter of my head, or lack of thereof.

I took a closer look at what used to be my head.

' _Well, damn_.' I thought, ' _who's going to wash the dishes now?_ '

I'd like to say that I was perfectly normal and my thought processes were only shot due to the fact that I was in shock. I'd like to say that, really, but if I'm going to be honest, then I guess you could say I am a little special.

Okay, now onto my next dilemma.

'Why the hell am I still here?' I was one hundred percent sure that it is absolutely impossible to survive without a head and at that moment I spied with my little eye, one decapitated body with its former head definitely not attached to said body.

'Where is the white light? The tunnel? The... I don't know, Grim Reaper?' I mused. There are so many different possibilities as to what could occur after death; heaven, hell, limbo, reincarnation, rebirth or even nothing at all, just ceasing to exist entirely. I could easily accept all of those options even the latter, but remaining on Earth as a disembodied spirit would just be depressing and lonely.

"I refuse to be some kind of lingering ghost, you hear me?" I scowled; I had no clue why I tried to speak nor who I had tried speaking to. As the words left my mouth - which was rather odd, given the fact that I no longer had a mouth - I felt a strange tingling sensation wash over me.

For the second time today I found myself paralyzed, though not by fear this time. It felt as though a supernatural force was holding me rigidly in place. The surreal sensation which had now permeated my entire 'body' had abruptly intensified to a point where it was _beyond_ extraordinarily painful. Unable to focus upon anything other than the absolute pain invading my senses, I was only dimly aware as the world around me disappeared in a vicious swirl of colour.

* * *

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* * *

Waking up from a nightmare was always an arduous ordeal; heart pounding, breathing heavy, sweat dripping, clothes confining. That harrowing feeling of being unable to discern the difference between fantasy and reality.

It lead to the irresistible urge to search for familiar surroundings to reacquaint and reorganize myself.

My eyes fluttered open and I sat up on a soft bed. Impossibly bright light flooded my senses and I reflexively flinched away from it. There was a distant ringing in my ears and my mind was vaguely fuzzy. For several moments I remained stationary, attempting to adjust.

When the light wasn't as piercing through my closed lids, and my mind clearer, I decided to open my eyes.

After taking in my surroundings, I slapped myself hard on my right cheek, then again on my left cheek. The slaps left my face stinging like I face-planted into a pile of needles.

' _But this has to be a nightmare, right?_ '

Because in no way shape or form was I in my bedroom. Gone were my familiar cool gray walls covered with pictures and posters, in their place was an eggshell white wall with little drawings of cherry blossoms. My once blue bed carpet had been taken over by a shameless baby soft pink. All of my furniture was interchanged with adorable, cutesy, entirely-too-feminine objects and colors.

My heart hammered inside of my chest and my hands flew up in a vain attempt to suppress my startled shriek.

The movement caused a few loose bangs to cover my eyes.

A pause.

' _Why is my hair pink?_ '

Slowly, with great care and reluctance, I pulled my hair forward (which was somehow a foot longer, and no longer curly) and examined it.

' _This is not my hair,_ ' I realized. ' _What the hell_.'

Confused, frightened, and frustrated I threw off the covers from my bed and stormed across the room. My hands itched to hold my Kisame and Kakashi plushies (as I normally did when I felt anxious), but they were nowhere to be found. When I reached the end of the room I grabbed an elegant mirror that stood on a wooden white desk.

I gaped upon seeing my reflection.

Pink hair; green eyes; pale skin; long hair.

 _'Holy sweet berry loving Mew. I'm Sakura!'_

I stared at her-at me in utter dumbfoundment.

' _So,'_ I thought slowly, ' _I somehow died and reincarnated into Sakura?_ '

Another pause.

' _Aw, man! I wanted to be Hinata!_ '

* * *

 _ **Note:** This story was meant to be posted exclusively on Wattpad until the rewrite was complete. I was then going to replace Sakura with the new rewrite and essentially delete the original story. Quite a few of you sent me PMs asking me to leave the original up, and after talking it over with some of my friends I decided to do just that. Especially since this is a rewrite, and not just a fixer-upper. I'll be adding quite a bit more to this story in order to have it meet my new standards. :)_

 _Those returning. Welcome back you sexy beasts. ;)_

 _For those of you who are new: Welcome! I hope you enjoy this crazy, crazy story._

 _So let's get this party startled._

 _Reviews are **love**. _


	2. Hugs Are Awesome

_"We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics."_

 _-Bill V_

 _And now for the actual first chapter._

 _ **Disclaimer**_ **:** _Naruto is Kishimoto's toy, I'm just playing with it._

 _ **Warning:**_ _This story was written for shits and giggles._

 _ **Beta:**_ _Sky Shye. :)_

 _ **Edit:**_ _02/17_

 _ **Edit:**_ _4/17_

* * *

Disbelief left me stupefied for several moments as I stared at my reflection. In what possible way did _any_ of what was happening make _any_ kind of sense? Where was the logic? The reasoning? _The explanation_?!

How? Why?

No laws of science, physics (not even quantum!), or common sense could provide an answer. One moment I was most certainly dead, and the next I had awoken perfectly coherent and fine in another person's body. In a _fictional_ person's body.

Mind. Blown.

Tentatively, I reached up a hand and squeezed Sakura's—I mean, my?—cheek. I instinctively winced at the immediate pain I felt (those slaps from before left my cheeks a little too tender). Her—my—bright green eyes narrowed and I made various erratic movements being sure that the reflection accurately followed h—my movements. Several minutes later, and I had confirmed (again) that I truly was in Sakura's body, and that I was in at least _some_ kind of reality.

Given my history I still felt disinclined to believe what was transpiring, but the longer I stayed in her room (feeling, hearing, smelling _everything_ with such clarity and vividness) it became harder to argue that I was dreaming.

I licked my dry lips.

Okay.

It was time to reassess. I was in another world, a world that I always wished to be a part of, in another person's body. I needed specifics now.

Judging from the length of our hair I was semi-confident to declare that I was before the Chuunin Exams.

An onslaught of dizziness descended upon me and a surge of information rushed through my mind. Flashes of images, and vague knowledge bombarded me, forcing me to bend over and clutch at my head. As quickly as it had come, it had vanished and I was left bewildered with the mild impression of where the academy was.

' _So, what was that? Her memories? Come to think of it, I can't remember anything from her own life_ — _I only have my own memories from li, er, past life. But now I know where the academy is?'_

' _Is that how it will be? Will her memories merge with my own?'_

' _If that's the case, then, where was the real Sakura?'_

Reflexively, I glanced around the room. If I was in her body, was she then in my old body? Or was she still inside of me? Er, us?

I was starting to get disoriented trying to figure all of that out. Obviously I wouldn't be obtaining _any_ answers in the foreseeable future and rethinking the same questions over and over again would do me absolutely no good. Besides, I knew it was around that time that I should be heading to the academy.

 **It's about time you figured that out.**

I gave a startled shout, my hands flying up to cover my mouth as I whirled around the room. My eyes scanned for any possible intruder, or explanation for the voice that I heard with perfect clarity.

 **Relax, moron. I'm your inner self.**

"Oh," I mumbled aloud. ' _Why the hell do I have an inner self? I don't have a contradicting personality. I fully embrace my pervy and crude nature.'_

 **Ever think that Sakura's inner self was stemmed from genetics and not purely psychological? You're in her body, stands to reason you'd have an inner self, too. Besides, are you really** _ **that**_ **surprised to have a voice in your head, given your past life?**

 _'So you're_ my _inner self, right? Not Sakura's?'_

 **As far as I know. I know as much as you at this point.**

 _'Okay. Weird, but okay.'_

 **So now what do we do?**

 _'Good question. I could either a.) mimic the storyline perfectly and act like a violent tsundere who is obsessed with someone who is completely boring b.) make minor changes enough to tolerate living as Sakura, or c.) fuck the story line as much as I want to please me.'_

 **I think the choice is obvious.**

F **u** c **k** u **p** t **h** e **s** t **o** r **y** l **i** n **e** f **o** r **p** e **r** s **o** n **a** l **p** l **e** a **s** u **r** e **!**

 **We died rather pitifully because of your stupidity, so let's be sure to go out with a bang, yes?**

 _'It may not have been the_ greatest _death, but it wasn't like I_ planned _on getting hit.'_

 **Well now you can start planning for a better death.**

 _'This is true. I'm thinking something with lots of explosions.'_

 **Acceptable.**

I nodded to my inner self, content with our agreement and tentative plans. Obviously I wouldn't march straight into the Hokage's office and blurt everything out— _way_ too boring. Instead, I would live out the easy life of Sakura, do whatever the hell I wanted to, and enjoy the ever living shit out of my random second life.

 _'Let's get this party started!'_

* * *

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* * *

It took longer than I would care to admit to find any piece of clothing that wasn't the the standard Sakura dress. The girl owned _twenty five_ dresses. I liked dresses well enough (the feeling of the wind rushing in between the legs was just flat out _nice_ ), but let's be honest: hella impractical for what was coming up.

I would have to set aside some time to shop for another outfit (hurray for finding a cute little piggy bank with an abysmal amount of money inside that I somehow had a conversion rate inside my head!).

I was able to find a dark red training skort, a long-sleeved white shirt, and a pink vest with the Haruno crest. A little too feminine for my personal taste, but until I went shopping it would have to do. Certainly better than the tight-fitting, flimsy dress Sakura seemed to love oh so much.

The hair was another thing that would have to be adjusted, but I had something in store for that.

Finished with my task of getting ready, I headed down stairs. It was a very modest home, with mostly pictures of family covering the walls inch to inch and the occasional potted flower. What I saw in the house seemed to match up with the random bits of memory I had floating in my head.

To my surprise no one else was at home. Which was odd, because I could have sworn in canon that Sakura's mother was always home, and she most certainly was home the day Sakura left to get her team assignments.

Confused, I wandered into the kitchen and noticed a bright yellow note stuck onto a tidy fridge.

 _Dear Sakura,_

 _Your mother and I won a vacation from the lottery last night! We won't be back for a while, but I'm sure you'll be busy with your new team. We want you to know that we love you so much, and we're sorry we couldn't take you with us. Please be sure to eat healthy, don't act too reckless, and don't stay out too late. Your father wants to remind you that you cannot have any boys over, either! We love you._

 _Always, and always,_

 _Kaa-chan and Tou-san_

My lips curled upwards as I re-read the letter. They had both signed it, Mother, er, Kaa-chan, had even put little hearts around her name. Damn, Sakura had some adorable parents. Shame they weren't there, but at least they seemed like they would get to enjoy themselves. Maybe it was a stroke of luck they weren't there, since I didn't really have any memories of them; I wasn't sure how I was supposed to act.

I folded up the note before tossing it out, then grabbed an apple to eat (like an asshole, praise to CinemaSins) and headed to the academy.

As I meandered down the dirt path I tried to reorganize the buzzing memories I had. It was uncomfortable to think about them because I could distinctly feel that they weren't mine. They were dull, fuzzy, and obnoxiously loud all at once. I knew they were important, so I tried to soak them in and understand them. It would seem odd if the _genius_ Sakura suddenly didn't know some random historical fact that was absolutely as important as a pig's fart in Timbuktu.

Pale blonde hair caught my attention and pulled me out of those thoughts.

 _'Ah_ ,' I thought, ' _so I am at the start of episode three.'_

And here came the first muck up in "Sakura's" life.

Now, Ino wasn't my favorite kunoichi (hail the beauty that is Konan), but to be frank: I always thought it was stupid how they destroyed a perfectly good friendship over a boy before they even hit puberty. Worse, over _Sasuke_. Then they even went so far as to start throwing themselves at him with no dignity or self-worth. I may not have been a hardcore feminist, or really put much stock into genders _period_ , but seeing little girls do that was just… ew.

There was just no way I could do that as Sakura. Na-uh. Nope. Not for Sasuke. Madara or Kisame, I could understand. But Sasuke? Hell naw.

So, really, having that rivalry continue on was absolutely pointless.

"Ino!" I called out, a bright smile blooming on my face as I hurried over to her. Ino stopped where she was and turned around to glare at me (hands on hips, even).

"I want to talk to you," I explained, my smile not budging an inch despite her (cute) _ferocious_ glare. Like a fluffy little duckling yelling _fear me_!

"So talk," she snapped back, her pale eyes narrowing.

"We're kunoichi now," I began, ignoring Ino's distasteful snort, "and I don't want us to fight anymore."

That threw the little duckling for a loop. Her glower faded for a moment, to be replaced by a confused look, before returning full force. "What are you talking about, Billboard Brow?"

"I give up on Sasuke."

She blanched. "Wh-What?"

"I give up on Sasuke. You can have him."

She looked positively scandalized, as if I had just told her the greatest taboo ever known to man had been committed by a cute wittle kitten. "You're joking right? What, did you hit your giant forehead on something this morning?"

"I have a big head because I have a big brain," I retorted childishly, resisting the urge to stick out my tongue. "I realized this whole thing is so stupid."

She was in disbelief. "What are you talking about?"

"We're going to be kunoichi's. Our _lives_ are going to be on the line, Ino. I don't want anything to happen to you, and I especially don't want our last words to each other be angry ones. We were friends once, Ino- _best_ friends-and we gave up that awesome friendship for some guy. I'm saying it's not worth it now. I want us to be friends again, and if giving up Sasuke is what it takes for that to happen, then so be it. He's all yours."

 _'Which is true. I really don't want anything to happen to the Rookie 9. Except maybe Sasuke.'_

"And how do I know this isn't some kind of trick?"

"You don't," I admitted, "but it doesn't change the fact that the offer still stands. If you want it to, that is."

A perplexed look settled on her face. Ino chewed on her bottom lip, her hands anxiously combing through her ponytail. A full three minutes of silence ticked by before she hesitantly said, "Okay Bi—Sakura. I accept your defeat, and I, I, also want us to be friends again.

I grinned. "Thanks… Ino. Can I hug you?"

Ino smiled slowly. "Sure B—Sakura."

We hugged. I tried my best to contain the inner fangirl squeal of triumphant for hugging my very first character from _Naruto_. Though, I guess they weren't characters anymore. Still. That was too cool.

Even though I would have much preferred being in Hinata's body. She's just so cute… And wow, I sound really…

 **Disturbing? Pedophilic? Creepy? Obsessive Fan-girl-ish? Because you are all those things and more.**

 _'Thanks, bitch.'_

 **Just doing my job.**

Ino and I pulled apart. "So you ready to head off to the academy?"

Ino grinned. "Yeah. I hope I'm going to be on Sasuke-kun's team."

I laughed. "I hope Kakashi is going to be my sensei."

As we walked, she shot me a curious look. "Kakashi?"

"A super awesome shinobi who used to be an ANBU Captain," I explained. "He's _super_ cool."

"Ooooh."

"And he has a _really_ nice butt."

"Sounds like my kind of teacher!"

* * *

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* * *

We entered the classroom, both of us grinning. I scanned the classroom and found Naruto sitting next to Sasuke. Then, I found Hinata sitting by some random guy. I frowned upon realizing my chances of sitting next to her were dashed.

' _Damn it.'_

A quick peek at Ino confirmed she was upset by the fact that Naruto was sitting next to her precious Sasuke. Her pouting was pretty darn cute and I had to resist the urge to pinch her cheeks and go _aww_. Thankfully, I was distracted by the greatest ball of sunshine-and-love looking over at me. Immediately, I perked up and grinned at the boy-one-day-to-become-hero. "Good morning, Naruto!"

Naruto's face turned beet red and he practically spasmed out of his seat to hurry over to me. "G-Good morning, Sakura-chan!"

' _Holy shit he is_ so _adorable! He really does have those whiskers. Aww, I really, really wanna hug him now. Crazy bad. He's like an adorable brat that just needs to be hugged. How in the hell could Sakura have resisted hugging this cutie-patootie?'_

' _Not to mention how could_ anyone _resist hugging Hinata?'_

"Naruto?"

"Yes, Sakura-chan?" Naruto eagerly inquired.

"I'm going to hug you," I told him.

"Wh-What?" he stammered, the tips of his ears turning red. I gestured at him.

"You're adorable. I must hug adorable things, ergo I must hug you. Ino, I'm hugging you next."

Ino giggled. "You're in a good mood today, Sakura!"

"I'll be in an even better mood if I get to hug everyone I want. Ready, Naruto?"

"Y-Yeah," he squeaked, a deliriously happy smile on his face. I cheerfully leapt at the main character and threw my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. He squeezed me back, giggling.

 _'HELL. YES. I just got hugged by THE Naruto. SUCK IT, FAN GIRLS!'_

 **Muahahaha!**

 _'Oooh. Nice touch with the evil laugh.'_

 **Thanks. I was quite proud of it myself.**

I pulled back and ruffled his hair affectionately. In the next heartbeat I turned over to my other favorite blondie. "Ino?"

Ino's grin mirrored my own and she threw herself at me. I picked her up, twirling her around in my excitement which made Ino giggle in delight. Upon setting her back on the ground I was filled with confidence, enough so that I marched straight over to Hinata.

The heiress gave a hesitant smile upon seeing me at her desk. Unsurprisingly she had watched the entire exchange (when _wasn't_ she looking at Naruto?). With an unwavering certainty and a bright smile I bluntly asked, "Hinata-chan, may I please hug you?"

"Wh-What?" Hinata squeaked, her cheeks already turning rosy.

"Please?"

"I, ah, suppose so," Hinata responded hesitantly upon seeing my unbeatable puppy-dog eyes.

I did a victory dance in my head (which looked like the Boomkin dance) before excitedly flinging my arms around her neck and hugging her tightly. Hinata returned my enthusiastic hug with gentle tentativeness, and I was relieved that she didn't appear too uncomfortable when I pulled back.

Suddenly, I had the vague thought that Iruka would be arriving any moment. Perhaps more of Sakura's memories were mixing in with my own and that was the usual time Iruka would arrive. Thinking quikcly, I glanced around the room before grabbing the nearest empty spot (coincidentally two seats away from Duck-Ass). Naruto and Ino, likely taking the hint, hurried to grab their own seats (with Naruto sitting by Duck-Ass, and Ino by Shikamaru in the back).

As Naruto sat beside me, his face still a little red, he prompted, "Ah, Sakura-chan? S-So that hug—?"

I smiled at the hero. "Yeah. You really are the cutest thing ever, and I absolutely have to hug cute things."

"You're welcome to hug me, anytime!" Naruto excitedly exclaimed.

"Awesome. Hey, why did you choose to sit next to Duck-Ass, I mean, Sasuke?"

"Eh?" Vibrant blue eyes blinked at me in confusion. Naruto tilted his head to the left. "Sakura-chan why aren't you calling him _kun_ , or whatever?"

"Why would I?" I dismissed, waving my hand in contemptuous gesture. "There's nothing special about him. Truly, I was insane to have even liked him in the first place. There are _far_ better more people to admire than someone like him. I was a blind idiot to not have realized such sooner."

"Aw, Sakura-chan, you're not an idiot."

"Not anymore," I agreed. "Besides, I have more important things to focus on."

"Like what?" Naruto asked curiously.

Before I could answer Iruka entered the classroom.

"Good morning students!" he greeted cheerily, making his way to the front of the room.

He then began his impossibly boring speech, on which I completely, shamelessly,e tuned out on. Instead, I reflected on one of my many, many goals. Such as creating my own personal harem, having Kisame acknowledge me as his number one fan girl, squeezing Kakashi's ass, giving flowers to Konan, keeping the Akatsuki alive, and of course, ruining Kabuto's life.

 **Why only Kabuto's?**

' _I understand where everyone else is coming from,'_ I thought. ' _Orochimaru is even pretty cool in a mad scientist way, but Kabuto? Nothing, but a tool who can't think for himself. He's worse than Sasuke during the Kage Summit. Worse than Sakura pre-timeskip, even! The guy_ ruined _some of my favorite characters' lives' and he didn't even have the balls to be upfront about it. At least Obito has the sexy voice going on for him and I hardcore ship him with Mia.'_

' _Kabuto has_ nothing _going for him.'_

 **Don't you feel even a** _ **little**_ **sympathetic for his backstory?**

 _'No-ope.'_

 **I feel like he's just the person you love to hate.**

 _'Ye-ep. He's just a hateable guy.'_

 **I can see that.**

 _'I would hope so! You're me.'_

 **Something like that.**

With that conversation concluded I went on to continue my daily fantasizes of making all the awesome people in the show part of my harem before I was rudely interrupted by Naruto's shout of happiness. "Yes!"

I was about to frown and wonder what that was about, but then I remembered that Iruka was giving out team assignments; so he had likely reached the point on the list where he told Naruto he was going to be on the same team as me.

I laughed. Naruto's happiness was utterly infectious. How could anyone hate him? "Looks like we're in the same group, Naruto."

Naruto giggled, giving me a sheepish grin with a charming blush.

"—and Uchiha Sasuke."

"Aw, damn it," Naruto grumbled. Sasuke spared us a sidelong glance before his gaze returned back to the front classroom. Heaven forbid the _great_ Sasuke deigned us with a proper look.

Iruka listed off the rest of the teams, and the moment he finished, Naruto decided to voice his disagreement.

"Iruka-sensei, why is a top student, like me, paired off in the same group with _this_ guy?" he shouted, his finger jutting out and jabbing at Sasuke, as if that would somehow help make his argument valid.

Iruka gave him a calculating look before he explained, "We want our teams to be balanced, Naruto. The best shinobi and kunoichi in the class are paired with the dead last of the class, which is you."

Naruto grimaced.

"Don't get in my way, idiot," Sasuke drawled from his seat, not even bothering to look over at Naruto.

Naruto snarled, "Bastard, what did you just call me…?"

I shook my head as Naruto huffed and puffed at Sasuke, but simply could not blow him down. Iruka finished his brief lecture before dismissing us for a short break before we had to meet back to greet our new instructors. Knowing exactly what I had to do before meeting Kakashi, I bolted out of the classroom with a skip in my step.

Naruto wasn't far behind me, apparently, because as soon as my feet landed on the pavement outside he called out, "Sakura-chan!"

I halted and turned around. "'Sup?"

"We should go eat together now. We're in the same group, after all," Naruto said, his eyes brimming with warmth.

"Sorry, Naruto," I sincerely apologized, "but I need to head to the library asap and a few other places before we meet our instructor. We can eat later, though."

Naruto's eyes widened and he shouted, " _Really_?!"

I giggled. "Yes, but not as a date. As two friends who are going to become _best_ friends."

The poor boy looked so torn. On one hand I was _so_ going to pop his best friend cherry, but on the other hand he _so_ wanted me to pop his other cherry. Or maybe not. Maybe Naruto wasn't a pervert like me and honestly couldn't tell the difference between a crush and friendship at that point.

He settled on an enthusiastic nod and I headed off.

* * *

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* * *

My arms ached as I placed down the large stack of books on a stone bench near the academy. I let out a soft, relieved sigh to no longer have to carry them around. As soon as class had ended I made a beeline for the nearest library to check them out. I knew I would have to purchase a backpack _asap_ because there was simply no way I could carry them around in my arms for the rest of the day.

Thankfully, I could see a shinobi shop roughly a block away from the academy, so I could take care of that before our break was over.

' _I'm going to have to get used to lugging all these around,'_ I thought ruefully. The librarian was already used to seeing Sakura around and had absolutely no reserves about allowing me to check out so many books (well past the limit allowed to academy students, or Genin).

 **If you want to be able to finish the medical training pre-canon timeline, then yes.**

' _If I'm able to get a headstart on medical training (who the hell_ wouldn't _want medical training? Guaranteed fall-back if the kunoichi career doesn't pan out,_ and _the potential to pull off the sexy doctor / nurse)_ _then I might be able to focus on other things later on. Maybe even become someone's apprentice.'_

 **Like who?**

' _Kisame-sama, of course.'_

 **You'd have to become a missing-nin, and that would** _ **definitely**_ **fuck up the plot line to a completely unguessable point.**

' _A girl can dream, can't she?'_

 **Why would you want that?!**

' _I_ am _Kisame-sama's number one fan girl, of course. Why wouldn't I want to be his apprentice? He's cool, funny, and_ perfection personified!'

 **What.**

' _No one can hold a candle to the great Kisame-sama_ — _!'_

 **Stop. Stop right now. I meant** _ **skill-wise**_ **why would you to be his apprentice?**

' _Learning to use a sword would be sweet_ ,' I confessed. _Gymnastics and jujitsu don't really deal with weapons. Great for flexibility, and venting frustrations, but neither are bad ass. Beware! I can pin you down! How lame. Whereas with a sword: Beware, I can and will cut off your hands. Total badassery right there.'_

 **Alright, alright. You should go get your damn backpack already and start reading.**

' _Ah, right! I totally forgot.'_

 **I know.**

* * *

 _Reviews are_ _ **love**_ _. The best kind._


	3. Pinch, Pinch!

_"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"_

 _-Phillis_

 _Thank you for noticing me, Cantrona-senpai._

 _ **Disclaimer:**_ _Naruto is Kishimoto's toy. I'm just playing with it. Abridged isn't mine either._

 _ **Edit: 3/15/17**_ _(The combo of Shy Skye and Darkpetal16 come to save the day of horrible grammatical errors! Typos beware!)_

 _ **Edit 4/17**_

* * *

"He's late," Naruto grumbled petulantly. The boy peered sullenly at front door of the classroom.

His words made me glance up briefly from one of my texts. I had planned for Kakashi's lateness perfectly and brought an abundance of medical text books. I was still sorting through Sakura's memories (and _thank God_ I started getting her memories on perfect chakra control and I found that it was largely used like a muscle memory - not a lot of thought process on my own part) so I didn't understand a lot of the jargon used in the texts. As a result I had to lug around even more books than otherwise necessary to look up a certain word, phrase, or reference.

I couldn't quite carry _all_ of those books on my own so I had to purchase a sturdy black backpack (why Sakura did not own one was beyond me).

Because I was perfectly entertained and knew in advance that the man would be late, I wasn't bothered in the slightest bit like Naruto, or even broody Sasuke.

"Yep," I agreed. In response, Naruto grabbed an eraser and began setting up his prank. I quirked an eyebrow at him. "It's your own fault if you get in trouble."

"Hn. A Jōnin isn't going to fall for something as stupid as that," Sasuke declared quietly.

"You'd be amazed," I said sagely, nodding my head in mock wisdom.

With timing that only existed in that universe, as I said that Kakashi entered the room and the eraser landed on his head with a _plop_.

Naruto burst out into laughter, while I giggled in glee at finally seeing Kakashi in person, and Sasuke stared at him in annoyance.

Kakashi slowly picked up the eraser and looked it over before saying, "How should I say this? My first impression of you all: you're idiots."

I pouted. _Don't lump me in with Duck-Ass!_

* * *

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* * *

I folded my hands neatly into my lap, taking the moment in to admire the beauty that was Kakashi Hatake. He was every bit as delicious to look at as he was in the anime / manga, and now that I knew what laid underneath that mask, well, I had a very active imagination.

A perverted giggle escaped my lips and Kakashi gave me a mildly concerned look.

 _I will squeeze that ass when you least expect it, Kakashi-sensei,_ I thought passionately. _Jiraiya has nothing on my level of pervy-ness!_

A warm breeze passed through us on the roof of the academy. The leaves rustled behind us creating a very relaxing atmosphere. A comfortable (for me, at least) silence settled between the four of us until Kakashi was the first to break it. "First off, let me have you guys introduce yourselves."

"What would you have us say?" Naruto asked, frowning. Sunshine personified had eagerly sat next to me on my right, his shoulder bumping against my own.

"Ah, things like your likes, dislikes, dreams, and hobbies, or something like that."

Naruto's brow furrowed and he started rocking back and forth. "Um, then why don't you start with yourself, Sensei?"

Kakashi lazily pointed towards himself, putting on an air of mild surprise. "Me? Well my name is Hatake Kakashi. I don't feel like telling you guys about my likes and dislikes. I've never really thought about my future, or dream. As for my hobbies, I have many."

"Have you considered modeling?" I asked seriously.

Kakashi scratched the back of his head. "You know, you're not the first one to ask me about that."

"I'm not surprised," I responded honestly, then smiled mischievously. "I bet you have a cute little beauty mark under that mask of yours. I can practically see it now."

Kakashi chuckled, although I thought it might have been a bit of a forced chuckle. "Anyway, it your guys' turn now. Why don't—"

"Me, me!" Naruto exclaimed happily. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto. I like cup ramen, but I like ramen at Ichiraku that Iruka-sensei buys for me even more. I hate the three minutes I have to wait to boil up the ramen. My hobby is to eat and compare ramen, and my dream is to become greater than all of the Hokages. I'm going to make all the villagers recognize my existence!"

Kakashi nodded his head, unsurprised by Naruto's introduction. "Alright, little miss is next."

I giggled. "You can call me Sakura, Sensei."

"Sakura, then," Kakashi corrected, awarding me with his trademark eye-smile.

I almost swooned before I reminded myself that Kisame was officially real in that world and I was his fan girl first.

 **Since we're going before Sasuke, you thinking what I'm thinking?**

 _Absolutely. We are_ so _trolling him._

"My likes are reading, and I suppose now training," I began slowly, trying to keep a gleeful smirk off my face. "I dislike unoriginal posers. My hobby is to admire the beauty that has been placed in this world, as well as to study to become a medical kunoichi. Also, I have one goal that I have no intention to leave as a mere dream: to completely _ruin_ a certain man."

Kakashi remained silent for several moments, likely surprised by my introduction. I did my best to school my features into an utterly serious face, but it was a struggle. Naruto seemed genuinely caught off guard by what I had said, and I didn't even care to look over at Sasuke.

Kakashi clapped his hands. "Alright. Next up is you, broody."

Sasuke spoke without hesitation. "My name is Uchiha Sasuke. There are many things I hate and not a lot I like. Also, I have an ambition that I have no intention to leave as a dream. The revival of my clan and to kill a certain man."

"Hey, that sounds like what I just said," I exclaimed, feigning shock.

"Way to be original, Sasuke," Naruto mocked.

Sasuke ignored us. Silly Duck-Ass.

 **Whatever. Trolling Sasuke was a success, I'm happy.**

"Alright," Kakashi began, "the three of you are very distinctive and interesting. We'll have a mission tomorrow. First we'll do what only the four of us can do."

A very inappropriate image crossed my mind and I giggled.

"What is it?" Naruto asked eagerly, leaning forward and practically vibrating with excitement.

"Survival training."

"Survival training?"

I smirked. "Oh?"

"Out of twenty seven graduates, only nine pass and become Genin. Eighteen will be sent back to the academy. So, in turn roughly sixty-six percent dropout," Kakashi explained doing his best to appear very intimidating and ominous.

Of course that didn't work on me. I still remembered seeing the man turn fifty shades of red reading _Icha Icha_ out loud to help decipher Jiraiya's message. Not to mention I knew for a fact that the man treated his summons like family (each had their own bowl, and he regularly groomed them). It was hard to find a man like Kakashi intimidating with all that knowledge, and so much more.

Still, I had to keep in mind that I was a fresh academy student and I _should_ have been—

Ah, fuck it.

"I'm so going to pinch those cheeks," I cooed.

"What?" Kakashi asked, completely off guard.

"Did I say that out loud? Pretend you heard nothing," I insisted, then started to whistle innocently.

The Ex-ANBU captain distinctly scooted away from a little girl with pink hair. That only heightened my amusement, of course. It was hard to focus on what else Kakashi talked about because all I could think about was how shy and adorable the supposed bad ass was when it came to anything perverse.

Before I knew it, Kakashi was gone, Sasuke left in an awful big hurry, and Naruto was nervously looking over at me.

I gave a woeful sigh before casting a glance over at my future teammate. "Wanna go get that ramen now?"

Naruto's nervousness faded away and he bounced up and down. "Yeah! I'll pay for whatever you want, Sakura-chan!"

"Drop the chan, you adorable boy," I teased. "We're friends now, so let's be on a first name basis. If you pay for our food this time, I'll pay for next time."

"Next time?" Naruto squeaked, his face illuminating with sheer happiness.

"Yep. So lead the way."

" _Yatta!_ "

* * *

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* * *

Lunch with Naruto went about as one would expect it to go. The ball of radiance was beyond happy and merrily chattered away about various and unimportant things. It felt relaxing and nice, and I was already comfortable around his presence. I was deadset on becoming Naruto's first best friend because _clearly_ Sasuke did _not_ deserve that right.

After I bid my companion farewell, I lugged my backpack across the village to my next destination.

I took the backway instead of the main street, wanting to experience the village through my own eyes instead of Sakura's memories. There were moments where two different memories collided; such as there was a dessert shop at a corner, that used to be pawn shop and Sakura had memories of both of them in that area, and it was hard to tell which one was the more recent one until I actually had to go there in person to see for myself.

The actual journey took well over an hour and my shoulders ached something fierce from lugging the heavy backpack around. It was with great relief that I approached the Yamanaka's compound.

With Sakura's memories as my guide I deftly maneuvered through the bustling area until I reached Ino's front door.

I knocked politely on the door and a solid minute passed by before Ino opened the door. I grinned at her. "Hey, pretty lady!"

Ino's grin lit up her face. "Hey! Did your team's sensei finally show up?"

"Yeah," I answered, thinking back to my wonderful first meeting with the man who had the world's greatest ass. "I even got Kakashi as my sensei, the one with the perfect butt."

Ino squealed. "That's amazing. I'm so jealous. Our sensei, Asuma, seems so lazy. I'm afraid he'll be as bad as Shikamaru."

"You never know," I responded, giving her a sympathetic pat. "Do you think you could do me a favor, though?"

"What do you need?" Ino asked.

"Can you cut my hair? My parents are gone on vacation and you know how Kaa-chan always cut my hair before."

Ino gasped, her hands flying up to her mouth in disbelief. "Are you—are you _serious_? Everyone knows Sasuke-kun only likes girls with long hair."

"I was serious about letting you have him," I told her. "I'm done with him. There are better fish in the sea for me."

"Wow," Ino uttered, speechless for almost an entire minute before she recovered, looking positively beside herself with smug glee. "I'm really glad to hear you say that. Come on inside, then and let me work my magic."

I gave her a mock bow. "Thank you, m'lady."

"While you're here, you should join us for dinner. I'm sure Kaa-chan will be happy to see you again."

"I will never say no to free food," I told her, perfectly serious.

* * *

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* * *

When morning came the following day I woke up a bit earlier than I normally would have in order to finish reading a text I had started last night. I was nearly finished with my first read-through of the first textbook. I would go back to it when I had finished it and create notes in a separate thick scroll I had bought (why would I _ever_ use notebooks again when I could use _scrolls_ ). Only after I had finished with my (surprisingly) meticulous notes would I return the first book I had checked out.

I planned on repeating the process for every how-to-medical textbook I could get my hands on. Once I had enough knowledge of the basics, I felt confident enough that I could totally try it out on my own.

Screw trying it on fish, or whatever. I had my own personal Uzumaki with a Kyuubi regenerative to boot. Best of all, I could bribe him with food. Completely fair trade.

I finished the reading around six and started getting ready for the day.

With much glee I slipped on the outfit I had bought yesterday. It wasn't extravagant by any means; it was simple just like me.

Teehee.

I bought black baggy pants that were thick enough not to tear from the trials I would inevitably put them through as a kunoichi. The pockets were deep enough that I could stuff a few mini scrolls in each of them (sadly, I did not have enough money to buy storage scrolls, _yet_ ), and the owner was kind enough to provide the fabric and threads required to mend the pants.

Not that I knew how to stitch, yet, or anything. Since I want medical training, though, that would have to be remedied _pretty_ quick. Probably. I'll definitely get around to it.

Next was a long durable red hoodie. The hoodie's length went down to a little above my knees, but the sleeve length and torso fit me perfectly. With the hoodie I bought some alternating red and white tank tops to wear underneath in case I got too hot during a training session.

Supposedly kunoichi and shinobi could use their chakra to regulate their body heat, but that was a skill out of my reach for the time being.

I, also, simply could not resist getting some bad-ass looking black gloves with a metal back, and a matching pair of standard bad-ass looking shinobi black boots.

All I needed was some sunglasses to put on any time I wanted to make a pun, and I was golden.

' _Time to head out, then,'_ I thought to myself. I hefted my ridiculously heavy backpack over my shoulders (way too heavy to carry that shit on one shoulder) and headed out the front door.

I paused.

' _Where in the name of Madara's sexiness are the training grounds?'_

* * *

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* * *

Half an hour later I found the training grounds. I had to stop and ask for directions repeatedly, but I _did_ find my way, so that was a win for me.

Apparently Sakura had no memories of ever going to a training ground.

Explains a _lot_.

With an air of _I-did-not-get-lost-trying-to-find-this-place,_ I confidently marched up to my teammates, dropped the offensively heavy backpack onto the ground with a loud and very distinct thud, and then fell back on my ass.

' _Sweet freedom for my poor shoulders_ ,' I thought, savoring the moment before I pulled out the first medical book I read, along with a thick medium-sized scroll, various pens, and a folded up lap tray.

I felt the eyes of my teammates on me, but for the moment I ignored them as I unfolded the tray, set it up in my lap, unrolled a portion of the scroll and flipped to the second chapter of the book.

I had barely begun writing out my first sentence when Naruto dropped beside me and not-so-subtly tried to discern what I was reading / writing.

"What happened to your hair?" Naruto bluntly asked.

I looked up and awarded my friend with a wink. "Like it? I call it: The Practical."

Naruto beamed at me. "You look cute no matter what, Sakura-chan!"

"Aww," I cooed. "You're a big ball of sweetness, aren't you?" Naruto's smile turned a bit more sheepish and I reached over and patted his cheek. "Somehow, someway, I'm going to adopt you."

His brow furrowed and he tilted his head. "What do you mean?"

"Shh. Don't think about it right now." I patted the top of his head, which seemed to make him pretty dang happy, and then I turned right on back to my studies.

Naruto was content for all of ten minutes before he broke the silence again. "What do you have there, Sakura-ch—er—Sakura?"

"Medical texts," I explained, pulling another one out and handing it over for him to look at. "I'm training to become a medical kunoichi. It's the first step into achieving my end of goal of properly ruining a certain piece of shit's life."

"Are you serious about that?" Sasuke asked, barely glancing over at me.

"Completely," I confirmed, nodding my head. "The scumbag hurt my precious people. Sometimes you just _have_ to take revenge."

 **Technically he hasn't done anything.**

' _And he never will if I have anything to say about it.'_

 **So it's not** _ **really**_ **revenge since the act hasn't been performed.**

' _He's still a piece of shit and deserves what's coming to him. He may not have violated the Akatsuki, yet, but he_ is _a traitor to Konoha and is a leading factor in Sarutobi's death. That alone would warrant any Konoha shinobi's desire for revenge.'_

 **This is true.**

Naruto gasped, peering at one of the chapters. "You can understand all of this stuff?! You must be a genius, Sakura!"

Sakura, apparently, had an eidetic memory.

I now had an eidetic memory by consequence.

I've decided to stop questioning things.

Smiling, I shook my head. "Not right away. That's why I brought a dictionary with me. After a couple read throughs, though, I'll understand it.

"That's amazing!" Naruto cheered. "You're going to be a great medical kunoichi, I promise!"

Repressing the urge to squeal, I settled on reaching over and patting his cheek again. "And you're going to be the greatest Hokage."

My words seemed to have made his day because for the remainder of the time waiting for Kakashi, absolutely _nothing_ could ruin his goofy grin.

* * *

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* * *

Warm light rested over us and I had to resist yawning. My eyes had grown tired after reading dry text for over five hours and taking notes (which was _extremely_ weird. It seemed like I had a cross between my sloppy handwriting and Sakura's perfect style and I had to consciously think about which language to write in). I chose to keep everything in kanji because there was no reason to hide my note taking, and I had a _little_ doubt about being able to bullshit my way out of trouble if someone wondered how the hell a twelve year old girl came up with a whole other language.

Although now that I thought about it, I was sorely tempted to try it out.

' _I wonder how far my bullshit would take me against Ibiki.'_

 **Please don't try to find out.**

' _Not today, at least,'_ I reassured my Inner.

 _ **Today?!**_

"Good morning!" Kakashi greeted us, eye-smile right in place.

"Good morning," I purred, giving him my best smoldering look.

If he was even a little bit disturbed to have a supposed twelve year old girl attempt to flirt with him, he didn't show it. Naruto folded his arms across his chest and yawned. "You're late, Sensei."

"Sorry, but a black cat crossed my path, so I had to take the long way," Kakashi explained.

I nodded my head. "That sounds perfectly reasonable. Did you accidentally break any mirrors on your way?"

"Ah, actually I almost _did_ ," Kakashi said. "It was so harrowing, I had to stop by the nearby pet shop to deal with it. Then I ran into _another_ black cat there, and you simply would not believe—"

Naruto shouted, "Enough! No one cares. Give us the stupid test already so we can pass it and get some lunch."

"You can tell it to me later, in private, Sensei," I shamelessly flirted, tossing in an extravagant wink to boot.

Kakashi chuckled awkwardly and went over to a nearby training post and placed an alarm clock. "Alright, alright." He then reached into his back pocket (I took the moment to admire his backside, once more affirming the belief that he had a fine ass) before producing the infamous duo bells. The young man turned back towards us and presented them to us. "Today's assignment is to take these bells away from me by noon. Those who can't do it won't get lunch, and will be tied to those nearby posts where I will eat my lunch in front of him."

"A bit of an S, _hmm_."

Kakashi turned back towards me, his eye-smile a bit more forced now.

"Did I say that out loud?" I wondered, knowing full and well I did. "Pretend you didn't hear that."

"What's an S, Sakura?" Naruto asked.

"It's when—"

" _Stop_ ," Sasuke ordered. "There is no need for that kind of talk."

"Just because puberty hasn't hit you upside the head, yet, doesn't mean you have to spoil it for the rest of us," I grumbled.

"You will never become a proper kunoichi with manners like _that_ ," the Uchiha heir said disdainfully.

"You'd be surprised," Kakashi muttered, likely thinking of a certain super pervert. Then he clapped his hands. "That's neither here, nor there. Your time starts now, students. If you want to become Genin you need to obtain a bell, or you will be sent back to the academy. Begin."

"How scary," I mocked, then turned on my heel and leapt off into the trees. I didn't bother hiding myself, picking the first tree and just sitting down on the highest branch. My legs swung out, and I prepared myself for what was going to be a spectacular show.

' _I should have brought popcorn.'_

 **That might have been pushing it, considering your plan.**

' _Heh-heh.'_

True to his canon counterpart Naruto stood alone in the center of the clearing, his arms crossed over his chest and a determined gleam in his eyes. " _Yosh_! Let's face off fair and square."

Kakashi visibly winced, a deadpan expression settling over his face. "Are you a bit off kilter?"

"What's off kilter is your hairstyle!" Naruto brilliantly countered.

 **I think his hair is quite nice.**

' _I would concur.'_

Naruto let out a battle cry that was reminiscent to a toddler screaming ( _such a cutie-patootie!_ ) as he charged to one of the world's greatest S-Ranked shinobi. During the charge Kakashi casually reached into his back pocket; Naruto caught the movement and stopped short of engaging with Kakashi, a wary look on his face.

Kakashi didn't even look over at Naruto, his one visible eye locked on the (in)famous memorial stone. "I will teach you three the key shinobi rules. Rule one: taijutsu."

Kakashi finished pulling out his copy of _Icha Icha_ , flipping it open to where he last left off. Naruto was bewildered by the actions.

"What's wrong?" Kakashi asked, not looking up from his porn. "Why won't you come over and attack?"

"Wh-Why are you reading at a time like this?" Naruto asked, still befuddled.

"Why? It's because I was curious about what happens next. Don't worry, with you guys as my opponents it makes no difference if I'm reading or not."

Naturally his words set off Naruto's quick temper and the Uzumaki charged at him without a care, or thought in the world. Naruto leapt high into the air, his right fist balled before he brought it down towards Kakashi's face. The Jōnin lazily blocked it with one hand, so Naruto transitioned into a spinning kick.

Kakashi ducked underneath it, and as Naruto fell back to the ground the ball of energy launched a punch forward with all his strength.

Before the punch could even come close to connection, Kakashi had vanished only to reappear behind Naruto in a crouched position with fingers posed into the single most dangerous jutsu in all of existence.

I began to shake with quiet laughter in anticipation for what was coming.

"Shinobi shouldn't let the enemy take them from behind multiple times, idiot. You're too late now. Konohagakure's Ultimate Taijutsu!"

Naruto let out a shriek, launching up into the air and that's when I lost it.

" _One Thousand Years of Pain_!"

" _S-Sexual a-a-assa-assault!_ " I howled, laughing with my entire body. "Oh m-my Madara's Sexiness, _ahahaha_ , you a-actually d-did that, _ahahahaha_!"

Kakashi turned towards me, as I clutched to the tree trunk and shook with laughter. "It's not nice to laugh at your teammates."

" _AHAHAHAHA._ C-Coming fr-from _you_? _AhahahaHAHAHA_."

"Now you're just giving away your position."

" _Pfft_. Like y-you wouldn't, _ahehehe_ , already know," I giggled.

"Well if you aren't going to hide, perhaps I should knock you out of the running?"

"No! I have a mastermind plan!" I shouted, trying desperately to stifle my giggles. "If you do that, you'll never see how epic and brilliant I am."

"Then you better hide."

"Party pooper," I grumbled. "You're lucky you're so dang hot."

"Mm-hmm."

With a reluctant sigh, I hopped down from my tree and headed into the forest. I couldn't enact my sheer genius of a plan until certain events had transpired, so I was hoping I would be able to watch everyone screw up before I brought them into my plan that would 100% work.

' _How does a Genin hide from a Jōnin that specializes in assassination and tracking?'_

 **They don't.**

' _But he wants us to hide and I can't let a member of the Fantastic Ass Club down.'_

 **I'm sure he doesn't actually expect you to hide well.**

' _All the more reason to do so!'_

In the distance I heard the distinct sound of kunai hitting hard against a log. I immediately shrieked, " _LOGGED_!"

 _Praise to Naruto Abridged._

 **You just gave away your position again.**

' _It had to be done. I regret nothing.'_

I continued to maneuver through the forest, purposely going in circles in a vain attempt to mix up my scent, or whatever. After thoroughly circling the area, I finally crawled into a bush that was thick enough that my bright colors wouldn't be spotted easily.

 **Laying on the ground like this is boring as hell.**

' _I know, right? Stupid Bakakashi.'_

"Hello, Sakura."

I poked my head out from under the bush, looking up at Kakashi who crouched in front of it.

I beamed. "Hello, Sensei. How'd I do?"

"Not bad for amaeteur. You almost made me pause," Kakashi praised.

I inwardly squealed, choosing instead to grin brightly. "Thanks! I did try, you know."

"I'm sure. Are you ready for the third lesson?"

"Genjutsu, right?"

"Yes."

"Bring it on!"

"Well, since you already know what's coming, I'll use a special one for you," Kakashi promised.

I squealed. "Really?! I've never been placed under a genjutsu, so this is really exciting for me."

"You're bit of an M, _hmm_."

"And S," I confirmed, nonplussed. "Hey, if I break out of it in under a minute will you buy me _Icha Icha_?"

"Nope," Kakashi said and then—

 **HOLY CRAP OW.**

There was a total invasion of all of my senses. For someone who was only starting to get used to feeling chakra _at all,_ having someone else's chakra shoved through you was not comfortable in the slightest bit. My entire body felt on fire.

Shit. Getting my head decapitated felt like _nothing_ in comparison to the burning lead that pumped through all of my veins.

Then it was all gone and I was back in the forest, covered in sweat and minutely shaking.

"Uh," was all Kakashi said, staring at me. "Your file didn't mention you were chakra sensitive."

"That hurt," I whined, trembling.

"Probably," he agreed slowly.

We stared at each other in silence, and then I thought I saw him move, (but it was certainly too fast for my eyes to follow) and in the next moment I was out like a light.

* * *

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* * *

When I came to, my sweat had dried and the tremors were gone.

' _Fuck, how long was I out for?'_

 **Only a few minutes, I think.**

' _What the heck does chakra sensitive mean?'_

 **We'll probably find out on our own through reading medical texts.**

' _Ooo. I want to do that. To hell with asking people, let's find out on our own like badass detectives. Batman would totally approve of not asking for help.'_

 **We wouldn't want to disappoint Batman.**

' _Exactly!'_

Off to find my teammates now!

* * *

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* * *

I squatted down in front of Sasuke, enjoying the fact that the little ego monster ( **Like you're one to talk** ) was buried up to his chin. He glowered at me. "What do you want?"

"I think a trade is in order," I drawled sweetly. "Do you have an explosive tag?"

"Yes," he responded reluctantly.

"I'll dig you out for that tag."

"Fine," Sasuke bit out.

I did a slight cheer. "Awesome! This will be the chance to try my first ever ninjutsu. I mean. I'm an expert on this, don't worry."

"No, don't—I change my mind—"

Drawing from Sakura's memory I gathered chakra into my fist. It felt awkward doing it myself, but at the same time completely natural. Following the instincts given to me by her, I slammed my fist into the ground in front of Sasuke simultaneously releasing the chakra I had gathered.

I was careful not to go overboard (not that I had a lot of chakra to begin with, sadly), but it was more than enough to crack and loosen the ground in front of the avenger. Within seconds Sasuke had crawled out on his own, giving me a mildly worried look (worried more so for himself, than me, obviously).

Smiling brightly, I held out my right hand towards him. "Gimme, gimme."

"Right," he said slowly. "Is that all?"

"Actually, I think we should work together," I went on. "With Naruto, too. I have a _really_ great plan in mind."

"Absolutely n—"

"If you agree to this I will _never_ ask you out on a date, and never be your fan girl," I purred, giving him a smile that Cheshire would highly approve of.

The Uchiha hesitated. "Promise?"

"I swear," I swore easily. "Come on, it's a great plan. I almost die in it!"

"Why didn't you say so in the first place?" he muttered dryly.

* * *

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* * *

It didn't take long to find Naruto, or convince him to work with us. Once we were all together, I cleared my throat.

"All you guys have to do is focus on grabbing the bells from Kakashi," I began to explain. "Don't worry about little ol' me; I will be the main distraction. Of course _one_ distraction, no matter how epic it is, isn't nearly enough for someone with that magnificent ass, so Naruto will be helping me, as well."

Naruto was brimming with excitement. "Oh, yeah? What do you want me to do?!"

"I need you to make about thirty clones, and turn them into Sexy-no-Jutsu," I started, but was stopped by Sasuke's look of utter disgust. "Relax, woman." It morphed into sheer hatred for me at that point. "Look, Kakashi-sensei is clearly uncomfortable with his students flirting with him. If Naruto turns into a naked girl and starts charging at him, he'll be at least a _little_ distressed."

Sasuke blinked at that. "Wait, is that why you were flirting with him all this time? To see how he would react?"

A pause. "Sure, let's go with that."

"Wow, you're really smart, Sakura," Naruto cheered.

"Eh- _heh_. Anyway, so while I am the main distraction, on my signal—which will be the word _boom_ , by the way—Naruto will start charging in with his clones, and Sasuke will hide amongst them. Kakashi is going to act _very_ fast, and he is going to come _straight_ towards me, so Sasuke you need to be prepared to grab the bells from him the second he gets near me. Simple enough, right?"

"Right," Naruto agreed while Sasuke awarded us with a curt nod.

"Then it's settled," I declared. "You two get ready and listen for the word boom."

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

"Sensei!" I called, waving my hand up in the air over at Kakashi. I stepped into the clearing, completely relaxed, with a big smile on my face.

"Are you going to try now, Sakura?" Kakashi asked, giving me his eye-smile.

"Mm-hmm!" I pulled out a piece of paper. "This is an explosive tag Sasuke gave me. You better give me the bells, or else."

"Or else, what?" Kakashi asked.

I giggled and stuck it on my forehead, channeling enough chakra that my hand flowed a soft blue. "Or else I go _boom_!"

All hell broke loose.

The air was knocked right out of me and my world titled. In the next heartbeat I was on the ground with a positively livid Kakashi ( _mmm_ ) over me.

My right hand twitched and I reached up and around him, and pinched his right booty.

He was off me in the next instant, channeling minor killing intent towards me, but hell I just pinched those buttcheeks so I was pretty dang happy. I looked over at Sasuke, who had his face covered by his hands. I asked, "Did you get them?"

"Yes," he ground out. "If I knew _that_ was what you were going to do I would have _never_ given you—"

"You can have it back now," I told him, pulling out the explosive note and handing it to him.

Kakashi was furious, releasing enough killing intent that Naruto and Sasuke started to wince. "What were you thinking?"

"It wasn't a _real_ explosive tag," I said. "I have an eidetic memory so I drew a fake one last night. I just wanted you to _think_ I had a real explosive tag (which is why I asked Sasuke, in case you were listening) so you would take me seriously. I think you broke my ribs, though."

I rummaged my other pocket and pulled out the many other fake notes I had made and held them out to him. "See? Perfectly harmless. I'm too perfect to get myself killed. Besides, now that I have seen that this world can create beauties such as yourself, why in the name of Madara's sexiness would I want to leave this place?"

I finished with a wink. "Besides, pretty ingenious, huh? Told you guys it was an awesome plan."

"You have worrying definitions of awesome," Kakashi muttered, then turned to Sasuke. "What are you going to do with the bells, Uchiha?"

Sasuke looked down at them, then reluctantly gave one to me. "It was her plan. She at least earned a bell. If anything, she's… dedicated."

I threw the bell over to Naruto. "Naruto can have my bell. And now we have all passed."

"What?" Naruto asked, fumbling to catch the bell.

"This was a team exercise," I began, taking a moment to enjoy the spotlight. "We won as a team, and so we pass as a team. The bells were only meant to divide us—how many two manned Genin teams with fresh academy students do you see running around? And even if I'm wrong, I'll still choose to be the one tied up and failed. Du—er—Sasuke and Naruto are my comrades and they take priority over everything else. After all—"

 **Pause for dramatic effect. Pause for dramatic effect. Pause for dramatic effect. Pausepausepausepausepausepause for the love of Madara's sexiness** _ **pause**_ … **!**

"—those who don't take care of their friends are worse than scum," I finished. "Do you disagree with my explanation, Sensei?"

Kakashi was quiet for a moment before his eye-smile returned. "No. Congratulations, you all pass. Return here sharp six hundred. Oh, and Sakura, try to keep your hands off me."

"I make no promises," I said, preening under his praise.

"Then I guess I'll have to show you a new meaning to _S_ ," he said cheerfully.

 **Oh boy. He's going to make tomorrow hell for us, isn't he?**

' _Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't have provoked him so much?'_

I briefly remembered the feeling of pinching the perfect ass, and discretely wiped at my nose.

' _Nah. Definitely worth.'_

 **EXTRA:**

"You probably should go to the hospital, though, Sakura," Kakashi went on. "I might have broken a few ribs."

"Only if you carry me there."

"On second, thought, why not come to training tomorrow the way you are now?"

"Whatever you want, _Se-en-sei_."

Kakashi looked up to the sky. "This is karma, isn't it?"

"The Goggle Gods have spoken."

"What?"

"The Goggle Gods spoke to me while I was shopping last night," I whispered solemnly. "I have to do their bidding or else I'll never learn about the Rainbow Stick Story."

"Again: what?"

"I don't know. I am only a humble disciple."

Kakashi left at that point.

* * *

 _There is no original way to do the bell test anymore. It has all been done. Oh well._

 _My humor has grown darker and more perverse._

 _Would you be surprised if I told you that Sakura created that plan not to get the bells, but for the chance to pinch Kakashi's booty?_

 _ **Question:**_ _Who has the best booty in Naruto?_


	4. Keep Your Hands Where I Can See Them

_"When I said that I cleaned my room, I meant that I made a path from the doorway to my bed."_

 _-Anon_

 _ **Disclaimer:** I, Darkpetal16, do not own Naruto. _

**_Warning:_** _T_ _his story was made for shits and giggles._

 **Edit: 12/9/14**

 **Edit: 4/27/2017**

* * *

 **Week One**

 **Day One:**

"Sensei!" I greeted enthusiastically. "I brought lunch for today. Would you like me to feed you?"

Kakashi stared at the overly cute bento box I held out to him before he rubbed at his nose, took a deep breath and "sneezed" out a small fireball.

I let out a startled shout, dropping the smoldering box. Naruto gaped. "That's sacrilege! You don't turn down a cute girl's homemade lunch."

"He had very good reason to," Sasuke muttered, tossing me wary looks.

Mock sniffling, I whined, "A simple no would have sufficed."

Kakashi gave me an eye-smile. "Thank you for the lunch, Sakura."

My heart soared under his praise.

 **He set it on fire, why the hell does that praise make you happy?**

Kakashi clapped his hands together. "That reminds me, Sakura, did you go to the hospital?"

"Yes, my ribs are merely bruised," I answered cheerfully. "They said it would only hurt if I took deep, ragged breaths."

"I see. In that case, you all will be doing laps around Konoha until you drop. Academy reports can only tell me so much: I want to see exactly where you all are."

My ribs instantly started crying. My poor heart was being torn in two: on one hand this was about to be hell, on the other hand I was _clearly_ getting _the_ Kakashi's attention.

Being the optimist I was, though, I settled on the positive note that I was catching Kakashi's attention. In time, I was certain he would be so tired from my advances that he would give up and allow me all the butt pinches I wanted.

 **There is something** _ **wrong**_ **with you.**

Naruto cried out, "But that's so boring! Aren't you supposed to teach us something cool?"

"Idiot, they don't teach fresh academy students the first week of becoming Genin high level ninjutsu," Sasuke snapped. "That's second week, minimum.

"Oh, okay."

Kakashi only continued to smile at us. "What are you waiting for? Chop-chop."

 **Day Two:**

"Sensei!" I cheered. "I made everyone more bentos. Here you go."

There was a blinding flash of light and in a single heartbeat the delicate bento box I had crafted for Kakashi was shattered into a pile of splinters and mush. My lip jutted out into a pout as I dropped the remainders onto the ground and wiped my hands on my shirt (I had decided to keep my hoodie off while I trained).

"Damn it, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto shouted. "If you didn't want it, let one of us have it! That's _free food_! And Sakura-chan is a crazy good cook."

Sasuke, who also had yet to take one of my bentos (he flat out declined and gave it to Naruto) and likely would not for a while, narrowed his eyes at Naruto's words. "You're biased. There's no way we could trust your judgement in that."

A frown tugged on my lips. "I actually _am_ an amazing cook."

I had a combination of my own experience, and Sakura's memories (the girl cooked every day with her mother and for a while every weekend with her grandmother) which resulted in some _bomb ass_ food.

Kakashi shrugged. "Maa, maa. How are your ribs, Sakura?"

"Still bruised. My whole body is bruised now, actually."

"Superb. Let's do some upper-body strength testing today."

"Go until we drop?" Naruto sullenly asked.

"You know me so well."

 **Day Three:**

"Sensei! Here's your bento!"

The ground rumbled underneath my feet before a pillar shot up right in between my outstretched arms and knocked the lunch high up into the air.

"No," Naruto cried out in despair. "She made pizza!"

"You didn't know about pizza before today; is it really that good?" Sasuke muttered, staring at the bento box he had given to Naruto (Naruto had taken a tentative bite into the homemade mini pizzas before he inhaled his box, then Sasuke's).

"It had fresh tomato sauce with a special combination of spices and herbs," I put in mildly, watching Sasuke's eyebrow twitch minutely.

"Tomato sauce?" he said slowly. "What do you mean?"

"You and Kakashi will just have to try it and find out," I responded simply. The pillar crumbled away into a soft pile of dirt.

Kakashi chuckled. "Enough playing around, children. Today I will take you through my favorite obstacle course. It was created by a good friend of mine. A very," he paused, " _youthful_ friend."

 **Oh, God.**

 _We got this!_

 **Day Four:**

"Here, Sensei," I purred, holding out his bento with my one good arm.

Kakashi "coughed" and a multitude of spears pierced through the bento.

Naruto dropped to his knees in anguish. " _Why are you doing this to us?!_ "

"Okay, she can _not_ be that good of a cook," Sasuke declared.

"You that sure?" I asked him.

He hesitated. "You can't be."

"I'm thinking about a meat lover's pizza tomorrow," I hummed. "Would that make you feel better, Naruto?"

Naruto sniffled. "I want extra pork on mine."

"Okay, you can have extra pork, little man."

Kakashi clapped his hands. "It's time to get to work, my cute little students! Sakura, how long will your arm be in a sling?"

"The doctor said as long as I didn't fall into any more spike pits everything should be healed up in a few days."

"Great. Then let's move on to Obstacle Course Level Two!"

If the three of us looked a bit paler at his words, we would never admit it.

 **Day Five:**

"Se-en-se- _ei_ ," I sung holding out his homemade bento. "I made this special for you."

Within the blink of an eye the bento had been knocked out of my hand and nailed to a nearby tree.

Naruto let out a wail.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Sasuke demanded, clutching his own empty bento box.

Kakashi blinked. "Is it _really_ that good?"

"Tomato. Sauce."

Kakashi rubbed the back of his head. "Hmm. Oh, well. Time for Obstacle Course Level Three!"

"I hate you," Naruto told him.

"I'm okay with that."

 **Day Six:**

"Kakashi-sensei, I—"

Kakashi poofed into a plume of white smoke, only to be replaced by a note that said:

 _Self-training day. See you tomorrow._

The three of us stared at the note with mixed expressions.

Sasuke shoved his hands in his pocket. "I'll eat his bento, then."

"The hell you will," Naruto growled.

"Why won't he eat my food?" I wondered. "It's not like I'll drug him this early on in our relationship. We don't have a safe word, yet."

Both boys shuffled a few inches away from me.

 **Day Seven:**

"I'm disappointed in you three," Kakashi began before I could even open my mouth. Then I heard what he said, and my heart positively _shattered_ into a thousand little pieces, because that was the _opposite_ of praise. That was anti-praise that he dished out on us.

A low keening noise crawled out of my throat, and I fell to my knees under the heavy burden those cruel words placed upon me.

"You broke her," Naruto accused, kneeling down and patting my back.

I curled into a fetal position, moaning in pain.

"Why would you break our chef?" Sasuke asked, glaring at Kakashi.

Kakashi was stupefied. "All I said was that I was disappointed—"

The moan turned into a wail of despair.

Naruto and Sasuke glowered at Kakashi. "How is she supposed to keep making food if you break her? Fix her, now."

"Um," was all Kakashi could say for a solid minute. Then he cleared his throat and kneeled down in front of me. "Sakura? How did I break you?"

"Y-You said the _d_ word," I whispered dreadfully. "How _could_ you?"

Kakashi's right hand drifted up and rubbed at his face. "Right. Okay. I take it back. I'm _not_ disappointed in you."

I sniffled. "Promise?"

"... Yes."

I leapt up onto my feet, eyes bright and a cheerful smile on my face. "Yay! Would you like your bento, Sensei?"

"I'll eat it if you don't want it," Naruto subtly offered.

"It would probably be best if I took it. A ramen addict like yourself doesn't know how to appreciate good food," Sasuke, equally subtle, put in.

"Uh," Kakashi hedged. "Sakura, would it be… alright if I gave the food to someone else, instead? And he eats it on my behalf."

I squealed. "Does that mean you'll take my bento?"

"Sure," Kakashi said slowly. "This is actually a good opportunity to introduce you guys to my summons."

I stilled.

 _Oh. My. Madara's Sexiness. Doggy time!? At last, is it doggy time?!_

Trying to remain utterly cool, I calmly responded. "That sounds great."

I was certain to keep the high-pitched note out of my voice that time. Wouldn't want to scare off Kakashi from summoning the world's cutest summons _ever_.

"You aren't actually going to give a perfectly good meal to _summons_ ," Sasuke incredulously stated.

Instead of verbally responding, Kakashi knelt on the ground, placing his right palm down. There was a puff of smoke and the cutest wootest wittle puggy wuggy ever appeared before us.

 **Resist, woman! Resist the temptation. We have to play it cool otherwise he'll never summon Pakkun for us again.**

 _I—am—TRYING._

My body quivered with excitement as I tried to contain myself. I lowered myself to Pakkun and whispered, "I love you."

 **Oh. My. Madara's Sexiness. You are** _ **pathetic.**_

Pakkun tilted his head. "I am pretty loveable."

"And crazy cute," I agreed, my hands itching to touch his paws. "May I please touch your paws?"

"Only good kiddos get to do that. Are you a good kid?" Pakkun asked patiently.

"No," Kakashi denied for me, ignoring my squawk of betrayal. "Pakkun, this my team of minions. Minions, this is one of my summons, Pakkun."

"He looks lame," Naruto muttered.

I gasped, snapping my head around and glaring at the sunshine. "Naruto Uzumaki you apologize this instant. That there is the cutest little ball of badassery you will _ever_ meet."

Naruto scratched his cheek, still looking dubious. "Uh—okay. Sorry, Cutest-Little-Ball-of-Baddassery-I-Will-Ever-Meet."

Pakkun nodded his head slowly. "I get that a lot, don't worry about it kiddo."

Kakashi cleared his throat. "Returning to the point. Sakura, will you not break down again if I give Pakkun my bentos?"

"I would have made doggy treats if I knew you were going to summon the world's cutest dog," I told him, "so I suppose I'll have to settle for him eating your lunch. Although I really think _you_ should try it, Sensei—"

Kakashi clapped his hands. "Then it's settled. Let's finish eating and we'll try Level Three again today."

"What a waste," Naruto grumbled.

* * *

 **Week Two**

 **Day Three:**

Every inch of me was sore. I had certainly done extensive work outs before (my sensei demanded each student maintain a certain level of athleticism to attend her higher skill classes), but my body had been built up to that point before I _really_ pushed myself. The lifestyle and athleticism required in the Narutoverse was next level in comparison to my previous life.

Not to mention Sakura's body was significantly weaker and more underdeveloped than what I was used to. I had finished my battle with puberty, so I had grown used to a developed body, only to then be thrown into a twelve year old's body at the start of _her_ battle with puberty. Moreover, Sakura had done next to nothing (aside from dieting) to keep her body in shape.

What I was used to being able to do, and what I wanted to do, I simply could not anymore.

Not that that stopped me, of course. If I wanted to be a badass (which I did) then I had to suck it up and push through. For the past week and a couple of days, Kakashi had put our team through the wringer—something of which he did not do in canon. If I remembered correctly, after the bell test Team Seven had been placed on about a month's worth of D-Ranked missions before Naruto snapped and demanded for a C-Rank.

The fact that Kakashi decided to physically push us every day, seven hours a day (noon to seven) instead of half-assedly sending us on D-ranks meant that something _I_ did changed his mind.

And I knew exactly what I had done to cause that change.

I had made him a teeny-tiny-eensy bit annoyed with me.

So if Kakashi being annoyed with me resulted in him becoming a brutal teacher in a vain attempt to extract vengeance upon me… Well, how could I possibly deny such wonderful training to the team? It was certainly better than weeding someone's garden.

Really. That was my reason for trying to get under Kakashi's skin.

Not at all because it endlessly amused me to make the man squirm.

Honestly.

So, after a brutal session of training, I would crawl my way home and force myself to read at least one chapter out of the texts every night. Never had I been more grateful for an eidetic memory before—I simply would not have been able to to retain any information that I read after such long work outs otherwise.

The past two days, however, I had noticed that I wasn't ready to pass out after the training sessions.

In my previous life, such noticeable improvement so soon would be rarer than the sparkling fart of a unicorn.

With chakra in the Narutoverse, though, it seemed as though almost all basic knowledge of human anatomy, expectations, and whatnot was absolutely worthless.

Which made sense given the stupendous feats some shinobi and kunoichi were able to perform. If they developed the same way as humans from my first life, then it would have been impossible for them to do half the things the manga claimed they could do.

Since everything I had seen thus far only further proved that the manga was one hundred percent accurate, I was inclined to simply believe that the humans of the Narutoverse were just… special.

Keeping that in mind, I took my noticeable improvement as a sign to move on to the next step of my medical training.

Despite my legs screaming at me to stop what I was doing, go home, and take a nice long salt bath.

 **Are we** _ **really**_ **doing this? Do you actually think she'll help us?**

' _Of course she would!_ ' I thought, indignant. ' _She's one of the nicest people I know.'_

 **But if her father disapproves it'll never happen.**

' _Well why would he disapprove this?'_

 **Because.**

' _Because?'_

 **Because you're a highly suspect person for his precious little girl.**

' _I am not—okay, so maybe I am a_ little _suspicious, but he doesn't know that!'_

 **Mm-hmm.**

I could practically feel my Inner roll her eyes at me. I resisted the urge to stick out my tongue, knowing that it probably wouldn't leave a good impression on those around me.

Those, meaning the Hyūga compound guards.

"Hello," I began, drawing the two men's attention. "My name is Haruno Sakura. I was a fellow classmate of Hinata-chan, and I was hoping I could speak with her in regards to a semi-important matter?"

"Is Hinata-sama expecting you?" the first guard inquired.

"Probably not," I admitted, keeping my grin up, "but given that she's not a Clan Head, that shouldn't really matter, should it?"

"It's typically polite to schedule appointments with heiresses," the second guard explained.

"Oh. I'm sorry, I honestly had no idea."

"It's alright," the second guard reassured me, while the first one glared at me. "Given that you're classmates, I'm sure she won't be bothered. I'll see if she's available."

"Thanks," I chirped.

While the second guard headed inside, I patiently waited. There wasn't much to do aside from wait. The first guard was obviously in no mood to talk with me, and I didn't particularly feel like forcing conversation when I didn't want or have to.

The warm breeze ruffled my hair, causing the ends of it to tickle my cheek. I reached up and tucked part of it behind my ear in the same moment the doors to the compound opened and the first guard came out with Hinata.

"Hey, Hinata-chan," I greeted enthusiastically. "How's it going?"

Hinata awarded me with a cute, shy smile. "W-Well, um, thank you, Sakura-san. Ayomo-san mentioned you had something you wanted to talk with me about?"

I gave her a mock bow. "I do, fair lady! Care to join me for a walk?"

Hinata hesitated a brief moment before smiling again and saying, "Okay."

After a couple of paces heading away from the compound and towards the nearest training ground, I asked, "Would you like to join me for some training after our team sessions?"

Hinata's eyes widened. "Tr-Training? With m-me?"

"Of course," I told her, placing an arm around her shoulders (she made a squeaky noise and blushed). "I want us to become the bestest of friends, and everyone knows the best way to do that is through training?"

"Fr- _Friends?_ With _me_?" Hinata squeaked out, clear disbelief in her tone.

"Yeah. You're really amazing, Hinata-chan," I told her, smiling. "Besides, since I've decided that I'm going to be Naruto's best friend, I had better become even better friends with his future wife."

Her face was like a rose, and then her eyes rolled back and she promptly passed out. I anticipated that, though (which was why I placed my arm around her) and caught her easily. Although my muscles did complain heavily, I swung her over my shoulder and continued to carry her to the training grounds.

The Hyūga heiress came to about a minute after we arrived and I had already set her down.

When she saw me looking down on her with a smug smile, her cheeks reddened again and she buried her face in her hands. "P-P-Please d-don't s-say th-things like that."

"I won't say it again tonight," I promised, "but I'm only being honest. I really do want us to become good friends, Hinata-chan, and I truly think we would do well to train with each other."

"I'm n-not—"

I squatted down in front of her, placing both of my hands on either side of her cheek and smooshing her face together so she couldn't finish her nonsense talk. "Every time you say something ridiculous like _I'm not good_ , or _I can't do that_ , I am going to smoosh your adorable cheeks together. Understand?"

Hinata nodded her head, and I released her before straightening back up. "Okay, good. You _are_ an amazing kunoichi, Hinata-chan. Anyone who _ever_ tells you otherwise has to deal with me, okay? Now, back to the point: I want to train with you. Will you train with me?"

Hinata's hands wrung together, as she anxiously fidgeted. "I-I would like that, um, but I also have to, um, train with my team."

"I do, too," I told her, "so how about we meet here around seven thirty every night? If one of us doesn't show up, then we'll assume they're busy."

"I c-can do that," Hinata agreed softly. "Wh-What exactly do you want to train in?"

Beaming at her, I pulled open my black backpack and presented her with a pink notebook. Inside the notebook was a detailed training regime I asked Iruka to put together a few days ago. I told him I wanted to train one on one with Hinata, and that I wanted to become an iryo-nin. Iruka was probably one of the best people I could ask for about what exactly Hinata needed the most training in, and how to go about doing that. He wasn't typically able to focus on her given that he had a fairly large class (and Naruto) to deal with, but he certainly had many ideas about how to best help her.

The man was an amazing teacher, and if anyone would be able to put together a detailed training program for us, it would be him.

Maybe also Ebisu, but I had no way of contacting him and he had absolutely no reason to help us.

Hinata read through the program quietly, and about halfway through she stopped and looked up at me. A hopeful smile was on her face. "Th-This looks v-very good. I don't know if I-I can—"

My hands immediately snapped out and I smooshed her cheeks together. "Yes, you can."

Hinata giggled and managed to say, "Okay."

Releasing her, I clapped my hands together and said, "Excellent! You okay to start now?"  
Hinata nodded. "I-I, um, will have to tell Father, b-but I'm sure, um, he will be fine w-with extra training. I'll, um, be r-right back."

"Good! Oh, and drop the _san_ for me. We're going to be future besties, right? So just Sakura will do."

She beamed at me.

"You're so adorable," I squealed, causing her panic.

 **Week Two**

 **Day Six**

Kakashi's eyes scanned over each of us that late morning. The three of us were still eating my lunch (Kakashi had yet to eat anything from me. He would, though. I was a stubborn fool), not expecting Kakashi to show up until at least noon.

Kakashi said, "I've decided you guys have earned the right to take your first mission."

"Oh, great," Naruto unenthusiastically said. I might have already told the team that D-Ranks were essentially filled with babysitting, weeding, and running errands. Hinata had mentioned how her team had been stuck on repeating the Tora mission for five days in a row, and I simply couldn't resist seeing Naruto's face when I told him about it. The look of utter disgust was delightful.

 **You're a bit of an S,** _ **hmm**_ **.**

' _This has already been stated.'_

"I'd rather keep training, Kakashi-sensei," I put in, smiling up at him and giving him my daily wink.

On the bright side it seemed like Kakashi was starting to become used to my mock flirtations, and would no longer react (he even started politely declining my bento with outlandish excuses that would give Obito a run for his money).

On the down side he was getting used to it and stopped giving me the amusing reactions I so craved.

On the bright, bright side, since he was no longer as angry with me he more easily gave me praise.

"If you want to get cleared to take the more interesting missions, you have to do your fair share of D-Ranks," Kakashi explained.

Sasuke frowned. "How many do we have to do to take a C-Rank?"

"Twenty-one, minimum," he answered.

"Huh. That'll take forever and a day to complete," I mumbled, my brow furrowed. "Why don't we each take a D-Rank and complete it on our own? We should compete to see who can complete the most before we reach our quota. At least make it interesting."

At the prospect of a contest, both boys (naturally) looked interested. Naruto grinned. "Hell, yeah! I bet I'll have finished twenty by the time you guys finish one."

"Hn. Unlikely. You'll probably be the one stuck on one the entire time and _I'll_ have to carry the team."

Kakashi scratched the back of his head. "The point of D-Ranks is to work on teamwork—"

"That's for ordinary teams, though," I said, "and we're clearly not an ordinary team. Naruto and Sasuke show their love for each other," both boys gave disgusted noises, "through competition, and I'm simply so amazing that I get along with everyone."

Kakashi shifted his posture to the back of his heels. "Mm. As long as you take at least three missions together as a team, I'll allow the competition."

"Woo-hoo!" Naruto cheered. "Let's get a C-Rank tomorrow!"

"Idiot, it'll be at least a few days," Sasuke snapped.

"Maybe for _you_ ," Naruto retorted.

"We're on the same team, moron."

"Na-uh! Sakura and I are on Team Awesome, and you're on Team Loser with Kakashi-sensei!"

"I want Kakashi-sensei to be on our team, though," I whined, then paused and slowly smiled at Kakashi. "Or maybe we should have our own team, _in private_."

Kakashi covered his eyes with his right hand, letting out a long sigh.

' _Heh-heh-heh.'_

 **You're worse than a pervy old man.**

' _Thank you.'_

* * *

 **Week Three**

 **Day Five**

"It's time, Jiji!" Naruto declared, a triumphant grin on his face. "We're ready for our C-Rank, so hand it over!"

Sasuke and I flanked our bundle of sunshine teammate. Sasuke had his arms folded across his chest, whereas I had my hands behind my back so Kakashi could see them.

I now had to always have my hands visible to Kakashi.

It was so worth it, though.

I was immediately hosed down with a low-powered water-dragon afterwards, that knocked me out for the day, but hey.

Worth.

Sarutobi smiled fondly at Naruto, inhaling from his pipe. "Is that so? Kakashi, do you think your team is ready?"

"I suppose so," Kakashi said with a shrug, his single visible eye glancing over to where I kept my hands.

I wiggled my fingers in hello, disappointed he didn't react further than that.

Sarutobi nodded his head. "Very well. I have just the mission for you. Please send in Tazuna."

There was a pregnant pause before the doors opened to the mission room and the old drunk himself entered the room.

' _Huh. You know, I kind of thought our first mission might have been something different.'_

 **Plot-no-Jutsu strikes again.**

' _More like Fate-no-Jutsu.'_

Tazuna's face grimaced upon seeing us. "The hell? They're all kids."

"I'll have you know that I merely a flat-chested young woman," I corrected him. Kakashi placed a warning hand on top of my head.

Naruto giggled at me, though (he always found amusement in the ways I could make people squirm, like a true best friend).

Tazuna barked out a laugh at that. "Ha! I am bridge building expert, Tazuna. Once I have returned to my country, I will have you protect my life while I finish the bridge."

"What a coincidence, I had a dream about protecting a bridge builder," I exclaimed. "I dreamed an evil tyrant was hell-bent on destroying the bridge, and so a giant fox, a baby duck, and I had to band together to defend the builder. It had quite the epic battle in it, let me tell you."

Kakashi's grip on my head was starting to become a _little_ uncomfortable.

Tazuna nervously laughed. "Oh? That sounds like quite the crazy dream."

"She's quite the crazy student," Kakashi agreed.

I beamed under the praise.

 **That was not praise, you praise-whore!**

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

We had an hour to pack our things and head off with Tazuna. I dropped by the Hyūga residence and left a message for Hinata that I would be gone for a week or so due to our first C-Rank mission. Afterwards, I headed off to one of the shinobi supply stores, intent on purchasing some essentials for the mission.

I wasn't entirely sure what the gosh darn dilly dally heck I would be able to change without ruining the story. I knew it was important for Sasuke to activate his Sharingan (hell, I knew there was no way I would be able to stop Orochi-friggin-maru from coming after us during the exam and I was positive the Hax-Eye-no-Jutsu was essential to our survival). I equally knew Naruto needed to begin his encounters with Kurama.

The fluffy creature of badassery would take a while to Therapy-no-Jutsu, and it had to start _somewhere_.

Not to mention Naruto had to develop his nindo.

That being said, I _really_ didn't want hotties like Zabuza and Haku to die.

It was quite the pickle, really.

I had begun my iryo-nin training with Hinata five days ago, and had been relatively successful in my endeavours. Once again, I had to take a moment to appreciate Sakura's eidetic memory, and her superb chakra control. She might have had an awful temperament in the beginning, but the girl clearly had talent with chakra.

It was rather sad, actually, that no one took the time to push her to really bring out that talent.

' _I won't let it go to waste, though._ '

Iryo chakra required precise control in order to conjure, maintain, and control. Unlike standard chakra, iryo chakra could not have _any_ elemental chakras. That was due to the obvious reason of incompatibility for patients. Not every patient could possibly have the same nature as a doctor and of course their body would reject any strange chakra forced inside of them—not unlike how I reacted when chakra entered my system. The best way to circumvent that was for the (future sexy) doctor or (future sexy) nurse to withdraw their own elemental natures from their chakra.

After that point, it was all an understanding of anatomy and practice.

I had done the typical practicing on fish before I moved on to patching up Hinata's bruises and (exceedingly) minor scrapes. It took significant effort on my part, and I knew it would be a while before I got the hang of it enough to become practical in battle.

Unfortunately, I was certainly not skilled enough to save Haku from being stabbed in the heart, or Zabuza from blood loss.

But, I was a dedicated fan girl with a little extra cash and some time to prepare.

My harem had to start somewhere, right?

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

I arrived at the front gate, my backpack significantly lighter than what I was used to carrying. Not only because of my intensive physical training, but because Hinata actually gave me a couple of storage scrolls a couple days after we started training.

Knowing how expensive they were, asked her why of course.

She gave me a shy mumble, "W-We're g-going to be besties. I-I, um, don't n-need them a-and you clearly do, so, um… p-please accept th-them as a t-token of my appreciation."

She really shouldn't have been so surprised I would glomp her with glee and start nuzzling her.

If she wasn't getting married to sunshine personified I would have declared us future wives then and there.

Oh well.

Naruto beamed upon seeing me. "Sakura-chan! You were almost late."

I grinned at the hero and slung my arm around his shoulder, pulling him in so I could ruffle his hair. "I would never be late to a mission, silly."

"H-Hey!" Naruto complained, squirming to try and get out from my hair-ruffles. "Come on!"

With a laugh, I let him go. "Sorry your hair is too soft and fluffy to resist."

Naruto pouted. "If it was anyone else, but you I woulda given 'em a beatdown."

"I'm sure," I placated him, then turned to Kakashi. "We good to go?"

"Maa. I suppose so," Kakashi said, glancing around at this three Genin before looking over at Tazuna. "Are you ready, Tazuna?"

Tazuna took a long drink from his bottle of sake before he grimaced and said, "Let's get this over with. Are you really sure these brats are capable of protecting me?"

Kakashi gave his famous one-eyed-crinkled-so-it-looks-like-he's-smiling-but-in-reality-he-might-very-well-be-flipping-you-off-in-his-mind-which-was-so-hot and said, "Don't worry. I'm a Jōnin and I'll be accompanying you. I am more than capable of defending us."

Naruto glowered at Tazuna's remark and looked ready to object—very loudly I might add—so I interrupted him in an attempt to diffuse the situation with my typical humor, "Oh, I _know_ you're more than capable—"

"Okay, going to stop you there, Sakura," Kakashi smoothly said, placing a hand on my head. "Let's get moving."

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

Five hours into the walk we arrived at the infamous puddle. I debated on if I should draw attention to it for some extra praise, or let things run its course.

On one hand, I really wanted the praise.

On the other hand, I had a great opportunity to have a little fun. Kakashi undoubtedly already knew there were missing-nin hiding in the puddle. He didn't know that _I_ knew that, though.

With a skip in step I headed over to the puddle. "Hey guys, look! A puddle! Even though it hasn't rained for over a week."

"It's just a stupid puddle," said Naruto, frowning.

"I love splashing in puddles," I told him. "Since it hasn't rained in over a week, I haven't been able to do that."

"If it hasn't rained in over a week, why is a puddle there?" Sasuke asked.

"The Goggle Gods must have blessed me," I answered him sagely. "That is the only explanation."

I then bent over in a great exaggerated show of about to leap inside the puddle before Kakashi intervened with a timely, "Maa, I don't think we should be playing in puddles on a mission."

"But if it's a blessing from the Goggle Gods, I wouldn't want to offend them."

Kakashi stared at me then gave me an eye-smile. "It could also be a test from them to see if you're worthy for the, ah, Rainbow Stick Story."

I gasped. "You're right! Oh no, I don't know what to do now."

"Why don't you—"

Whatever brilliant suggestion Kakashi was about to finish never came because the missing-nin leapt out of the puddle and threw a long chain towards Kakashi. In the blink of an eye I saw the chains wrap around Kakashi and pull him—

I didn't actually see him get pulled apart. I saw the logs immediately replace him, but apparently everyone else around me got to see him be pulled apart because Naruto let out a shout of horror.

' _Why—?'_

 **He probably used a genjutsu during canon. Considering how you reacted when he placed you under a genjutsu during the bell test, I doubt he would use that again on you during a live combat situation.**

' _Oh. That actually makes complete sense.'_

I moved quickly to stand in front of Tazuna, a kunai pulled out and my posture shifted to defensive. I was pleased by how I had been able to follow the two generic henchmen with my eyes, when I most certainly would not have been able to at the start of my new life in the Narutoverse.

Naruto had frozen still in utter fear, and the two missing nin lunged towards him. Before Naruto could properly defend himself, Sasuke acted swiftly and threw a kunai towards the men. They separated, one continuing towards Naruto and Sasuke and the other headed straight towards me and Tazuna.

I felt the man's killing intent, and for a brief moment my heart skip a beat.

Adrenaline rushed through me and I felt a keen sense of utter thrill. The very idea of fighting someone always got me tingling in my spars, but now in a life or death situation…

I was positively _giddy_.

A grin lit up my face and I moved towards the man, kunai in my left hand and a bare fist in my right. Unfortunately for me, though, before he could reach me Kakashi's arm jutted out right before the man and slammed into his neck.

The missing nin retched before passing out, and I couldn't quite hide my disappointment.

Kakashi, entirely at ease, readjusted his grip on the two henchmen that were then unconscious.

' _I didn't even notice Kakashi take out the first one.'_

 **Something we'll have to work on.**

"Yo," Kakashi greeted, dropping the men to the ground before brushing off his hands on his pants like he had been touching dirt previously. "Sorry for not helping you out sooner, Naruto. I didn't think you wouldn't be able to move."

Naruto flinched, as if Kakashi had told him ramen had become illegal in Konoha.

Kakashi turned towards Sasuke. "You did very well defending your teammate, Sasuke." His lazy eye slid over to me. "Sakura, you went straight towards defending our client per the mission parameters, so good job. I have to ask, though, how you knew they would be in the puddle?"

"Um," came my response as I thought fast, "the Goggle Gods warned me, of course."

Kakashi rubbed the back of his head. "Mn. Sakura you _know_ I know you're chakra-sensitive. You don't have to lie, you aren't in trouble. When you sense people, though, you—"

"Oh, hey, look Naruto's hurt" I quickly said.

' _I didn't sense them, though.'_

 **Well. It's hard to sense anything when we feel** _ **everything**_ **.**

' _Chakra is everywhere in this world. It's disorienting when I focus on it, so I'd rather not do that.'_

Naruto blinked in surprise. "Huh? Oh this thing?"

"They're from Kirigakure," I said, "so they probably have poison on their weapons. I have some standard antidotes in my pack, so hang on."

While I rummaged through my pack for the some antidotes, Kakashi turned to face Tazuna. "Sasuke tie up those missing nin, I need to talk with Tazuna."

Tazuna gulped nervously from Kakashi's obvious undertone of irritation.

Sasuke tied up the henchmen, using rope Kakashi provided while Tazuna began to spill his life story.

I located the antidote and gestured for Naruto to stand beside me. Naruto glumly gave me his hand to examine and I had him swallow the antidotes. Deciding that his cut was minor enough that it would heal on its own, I wrapped a bandage around it after placing some disinfectant on it.

"... so you see, the bridge is our last hope for the people. I'm sorry I lied, I really am, but I'm begging you to please… please help me," Tazuna said, bowing lowly to us.

Kakashi gave a sigh. "This mission is above our parameters. We aren't equipped to handle this. Naruto even was too scared to react properly—"

"I won't be!" Naruto growled, his hands shaking.

Kakashi pointedly looked at said shaking hands.

Naruto shook his head vehemently before pulling out a kunai and then proceeding to stab his right hand that I had _just_ doctored up. I face-palmed at that.

' _That shit is not cheap! Damn it.'_

In triumph, Naruto held up his now-bleeding-profusely hand that no longer shook. "I can take it. We can do this, Kakashi-sensei. Let's finish this mission through."

Kakashi sighed. "Except now you're going to die from blood loss, so we _really_ have to get back to Konoha."

"… NOOO! No, no, no, no,nononononononnononononoooo. I can't die this way!" Naruto screeched, jumping around, clutching at his hand, and generally spazzing out.

My hand snapped out to grab his injured hand. My tongue clucked in annoyance at having to throw away perfectly good gaz because _someone_ had to make a dramatic point. "Relax. I can heal you."

Kakashi cocked his head at me, and even Sasuke looked over since he had finished tying up the henchmen. "Hmm?"

"I've been training to become an iryo-nin for a while," I told him, placing my hand over the wound and calling forth my chakra. "Textbooks are pretty informative."

"So you've been essentially training on your own?" Kakashi casually inquired.

I nodded my head, carefully transitioning my chakra from the standard pale blue to the calming pale green.

Carefully, and slowly, I stitched Naruto's muscles and skin back together. The wound wasn't deep enough to have damaged any nerves or arteries, but it did strain his cartilage and of course tore his skin.

Finished, I withdrew my hand and beamed in pride at my work. Not a single marr on his skin.

Kakashi let out a low whistle. "That's certainly impressive. It normally takes month under an apprenticeship before acquiring the control to do that."

My cheeks warmed and I giggled in nervous embarrassment from the praise. " _Eheheh_ …"

 **Praise-whore.**

Naruto was amazed. "Wow, Sakura! You really are awesome."

I shuffled my feet and scratched the back of my head sheepishly. "Ah, it's nothing. Tsunade-sama wrote out very detailed instructions, and something like a little scratch is easy to heal."

' _Wait until you see what I have planned later.'_

"Anyway!" I said loudly, still feeling all warm and happy from Kakashi's praise, "I vote we carry on with the mission. And I feel like Naruto and Sasuke would agree with me on that."

"Hn," grunted Sasuke, not denying his support.

"Of course!" Naruto agreed.

Kakashi chuckled. "Maa. Alright. Let's head out, team."

* * *

 _I'm tired of OCs getting scared. Taking a page from my story,_ Moratorium _, this OC!Sakura is a bit of an adrenaline junkie. Okay, maybe more than a bit._

 ** _Answer:_** _Madara, of course. He is the God of Sexiness, with Naruko right behind him._

 ** _Question:_** _Quick! Someone from the Narutoverse has to be your permanent bodyguard for all your life because you are in mortal peril (villains and or heroes from other verses are after you). Who is your bodyguard, and who is after you?_

 _Reviews are **love**!_

 _This is unbeta-d. If you see major grammatical errors / typos let me know. I, personally, am going to bed right now so I may not get to it until tomorrow night after work, but I assure you I will get to them._


	5. I Will Go Down With This Ship

" _Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!"_

 _-Anon_

 _ **Disclaimer:**_ _Naruto is Kishimoto's toy, I'm just playing with it. I don't own Naruto Abridged either._

 _ **Warning**_ _ **:**_ _This is the story you read when you need to smile, laugh, or just need to feel good. This story does not believe in physics, or logic. Go read some Naruto!ANBU stories if you want some gritty realism._

 _ **Edit: 6/24/14**_

 _ **Edit: 4/28/2017**_

* * *

After an informative boat ride and a quiet farewell to our farrier, our team carried on with the mission.

The moment I stepped onto the Land of Waves, I felt my heart soar in anticipation. Not only was I about to embark on a dangerous and positively _thrilling_ adventure—but I was going to witness first hand an entirely _epic_ battle between two famous assassins. How could anyone not be absolutely gleeful?

My lips twitched as I fought to hide back my excited giggles. I shifted the weight of my backpack so it was no longer entirely on one shoulder while my team and our client continued our walk to Tazuna's home.

Naruto was on high alert, jumping at every side, with his eyes and head turning in all sorts of directions.

' _I wonder why Kakashi doesn't just assassinate Gato. He's more than capable of it, and if he kills him, then no one would come after Tazuna.'_

 **He doesn't know the security Gato has. If he needlessly endangers himself, he risks being unable to protect us from threats he** _ **knows**_ **are coming.**

' _He's an elite shinobi, with an S-Class ranking. He was trained to be an assassin in the ANBU, and even became a Captain. Are you seriously going to try and tell me that he can't send clones to scout it out? Hell, why isn't he sending clones_ now _to scout ahead for danger?'_

 **I don't know?**

I turned towards Kakashi. "Sensei? How come we don't just kill Gato?"

Kakashi's eyes flickered owards me. "Not our jurisdiction, for starters."

"So it would break some sort of rule if we did? But, technically, we would be protecting our client by doing so. This Gato is obviously a threat to Tazuna, and his bodyguard shouldn't we… I don't know… do everything we can to help?"

"It would be a logical approach," Sasuke mildly pointed out.

Naruto's face screwed up in distaste. "Isn't he a civilian, though?"

"But, Naruto, he's an _evil_ tyrant. Don't you want to be the hero that storms in and defeats the big bad guy and saves an entire _country_?"

When painted in that light, Naruto seemed a lot more accepting.

"Maa, maa," Kakashi chastised, placing a hand on top of my head again. "Enough. This is your first C-Rank mission, I won't let it turn into an _assassination_ , moreover a _civilian_ assassination."

"Trying to protect our innocence?" I coyly asked.

"A losing battle, I know, but someone has to try."

"The war has long since been lost for me, Kakashi-sensei," I admitted to him. "I am now with the Dark Side, enticing others with cookies so I may corrupt them."

Kakashi removed his hand, placing it back inside his pocket. "Then it would seem that we are on different sides of the war, Sakura."

I gazed at him squarely, projecting a serious and calm air. "Though we may see different sides, always know that I love you."

There was the sound of a palm being introduced to a forehead, and I _knew_ it had to come from Sasuke, because Naruto was giggling at me and Kakashi looked utterly torn between bemusement and being irritated again.

The hairs on the back of my neck tingled, just as Kakashi shouted, "Get down!"

I dropped to the ground, hearing the whizzing sound of Zabuza's sword soar above us. There was a loud thud, and I leapt back to my feet. Zabuza appeared atop the sword, his back turned to us as he sneered down at us from above.

"You shall be the first," I whispered, my eyes glued to the booty.

"Zabuza," Kakashi greeted with a drawl, moving to take point.

"Hi, Zabuza!" I greeted, smiling brightly and winking at him. "You have a very nice booty. Not as nice as Kakashi-sensei's, but it's very good in its own right."

Zabuza's cold gaze glanced over towards me. Despite projecting a somber air, his tone wasn't actually malicious or scary in the slightest. Then again, I knew he was a sweetie at heart and he likely wasn't going to just go around killing a bunch of green kiddos. "I didn't realize Konoha had its own Mei."

"You know Mei-hime?" I exclaimed. "Oh my dilly dally gosh darn heck, that is so _cool_. I heard she's as lethal as she is beautiful."

Zabuza snorted. "I didn't realize she had fans."

"I certainly like her, but I'm actually Kisame-sama's fangirl," I told him.

 _That_ got an incredulous look. "Are you serious?"

"Well, I mean, did you know that sharks have two di—"

" _Sakura_ ," Kakashi snapped.

For a flash, I thought I saw a brief spark of amusement in Zabuza's eyes, but it was gone too quick to really take note. Zabuza's gravelly voice drawled out, "Surrender the bridge builder, and I'll allow you to live."

Mist drifted in, making my skin crawl because I felt Zabuza's chakra through it. His chakra by itself wasn't uncomfortable, or really had any sort of bad-feeling, but the fact that there was so _much_ of it made me feel distinctly not okay, and lethargic.

"Like hell we will!" Naruto declared for all of us. "We're about to unleash a can whoop ass on you if you don't turn around and leave."

"Formation Myrad around Tazuna," Kakashi ordered. "Stay out of my way. This guy is out of your league."

The three of us formed a tight triangle around Tazuna, and Zabuza let out a bark of a laugh. "I warned you. Enjoy your last minutes of life."

In a single motion, Zabuza grabbed his sword and leapt atop the nearby water, preparing his next ninjutsu.

Zabuza began releasing his chakra in troves into the mist, creating a thick and almost tangible blanket of mist and chakra around us.

I gasped upon this, not because it was surprising or neat, but because it suddenly got very _hard_ to breathe. His chakra was _everywhere_ and with every breath I took it burned my lungs and left me breathless. I tried to breathe—I really did—but it got increasingly harder, enough so that my knees buckled and my head started spin.

Naruto caught me, "Sakura-chan! What's wrong?"

I gestured wildly towards my throat, retching.

"Sakura, relax," Kakashi instructed. "You have to purge his chakra from you system like releasing a genjutsu. Keep your chakra circulating and purge as often as you can"

It took a minute, with both my teammates watching me with varying levels of worry, but I was able to accomplish that.

Hurt like a mother to breathe, though.

 **Is it because we're chakra sensitive?**

' _Only explanation.'_

"H-Howsabout we pretend that didn't happen," I wheezed, my words coming out in a slur.

Then I felt it.

His killing intent.

Beside me, I felt Sasuke and Naruto tremble.

A shiver of excitement ran through me. "Oh _my_. That is—oh my Madara's Sexiness this is so _amazing_."

A chilling laugh echoed. "I didn't realize Konoha was capable of spitting out Genin with a spine."

"Your killing intent is very intense," I said loudly. "How do you do it? I mean no one takes me seriously when I want to kill someone."

"I wonder why," Sasuke muttered beside me, his hands clenching tightly as he shook from fear. He glanced towards me. "You aren't afraid?"

"I'm actually excit—"

"Please. Stop."

I rolled my eyes. "Jeeze. Take that damn stick out yo' butt. Of course I'm not scared! Not only will Kakashi-sensei protect us, but I'm under the protection of the Goggle Gods. They blessed our trip by giving us the puddle, remember?"

"That puddle was actually two missing-nin that tried to kill us."

"I know. It was _awesome_."

"Can you please focus on protecting me?" Tazuna wheezed, looking absolutely petrified.

"Don't worry, old man," Naruto tried to reassure him, his own voice cracking from fear.

I nodded my head. "Yeah, don't worry. Hey, Zabuza, can you do us a favor and hurry up and engage in a battle with Kakashi? I've never seen two S-Ranked shinobi fight each other before in person, so I'm _really_ hyped for this."

Kakashi cocked his head, his Sharingan whirling bright red throughout the mist. "We wouldn't want to disappoint her, Zabuza. You aren't going to be able to sneak past all of us to kill Tazuna. You _have_ to take me out first."

I heard a scoff in the distance. Frowning, I pleaded, "Please? Pretty please?"

Silence greeted us for a solid minute before Zabuza flew out of the mist like a rabid dog towards Kakashi. Kubikiribōchō was swung down hard and Kakashi had to use two kunai to combat the huge sword. Zabuza smirked. "How can I say no to someone begging so politely for me to kill them? Going head on against a member of Kiri no Shinobigatana Shichinin Shū is ballsy. I'll reward you by making your death swift."

The two disengaged and Zabuza landed on the nearby water. I squealed, clapping my hands. "Go, Kakashi-sensei! No offense, Zabuza, I mean, I would cheer for you, but, you know how it is."

Let the epic began ensue!

Obviously I couldn't see much of the battle, since they moved so quickly, but I could feel huge spikes of chakra, and hear the sounds of battle. Metal on metal, thunderous roaring water dragons, and the tell-tale signs of Chidori.

I quivered with glee. "This is _so_ cool! GO KAKASHI-SENSEI! GO, GO, GO!"

Sasuke swatted at me. "Would you be quiet? We have to focus on protecting Tazuna."

"You aren't even a _little_ amazed by what's happening?" I demanded of him. "Look at this! When are you _ever_ going to see _our_ sensei fight one of _the_ Seven Swordsman? Only, like, four are still alive to this day!"

Naruto frowned, scratching his cheek and looking over at me. "Are they really that cool, Sakura-chan?"

"To become a Swordsman, not only do you have to master kenjutsu or bukinjutsu, but you have to wield one of the legendary swords, which takes _years_ of experience to handle. You have to also be at least S-Rank—and S-rank is only given to the best of the best. All the Hokages are SS or even SSS!"

"Wow," Naruto gaped, utterly amazed. "So—So Kakashi and Zabuza are crazy strong?"

"Crazy strong," I agreed. "Who knows when's the next time we'll be able to see such an epic battle first hand without having to actively participate? There could be so much we could _learn_ from this, too! Like Kakashi is known for having learned over a _thousand_ ninjutsus, so who knows what he might pull out his ass?"

Even Sasuke looked impressed. "A _thousand_?"

"A thousand," I confirmed, then after hearing a particularly impressive explosion, I shouted, "WOO! YOU GOT THIS KAKASHI-SENSEI! IF YOU WIN I WON'T GRAB YOUR BOOTY FOR THE REST OF THE MISSION!"

There was a heartbeat of silence before Kakashi called out, "Promise?"

"I swear in the name of Madara's Sexiness," I told him. "ZABUZA! If you win I PROMISE I'LL HELP YOU GET MEI. I totally ship you guys together!"

Another loud crash echoed, follow by silence. "THE HELL YOU WILL."

"Who's Mei?" Naruto asked me.

"A famous Jōnin from Kirigakure," I explained to him. "She'll become the next Mizukage, I bet." Then, remembering something, I opened my backpack and pulled out one of my bingo books.

I had actually bought, like, ten. I had to decorate my room with Kisame-sama posters _somehow_ and the only picture available of him was in a bingo book. So I had to buy one bingo book so I could keep a picture in my wallet, then another to blow up into a poster, then another to blow up into _another_ poster, then I had to give one to Hinata because she didn't know what he looked like and _everyone_ should know what Kisame-sama looked like—

I also planned on sneaking into Gai's apartment somehow in the future after he met Kisame-sama and gluing his picture everywhere with his name written all over his apartment so he would never _dare_ to forget the great man's name.

My hands worked quickly to flip towards Mei's page. I proudly held out her picture for my team to see. "Isn't she beautiful? Don't you think she'd make a cute couple with Zabuza?"

" _No_ ," I heard Zabuza shout followed by the sound of ten paper bombs going off.

"Admit that you love her," I cried out.

"You're insane," Tazuna whispered, his eyes wide. "What are you doing?"

"Fighting for my ship," I declared passionately, then turning to face Naruto I grabbed his hands. "You support me, right?"

Naruto shrugged. "Sure. Zabuza and Mei forever."

" _Yes_ ," I hissed out slowly. "Another has join the fandom. You are a true friend, Naruto."

That made him beam. "I am a pretty neat friend, huh."

"The best," I agreed, then slung an arm around his shoulder. "ZABUZA AND MEI TOGETHER FOREVER AND EVER."

"I WILL BUTCHER YOU, BRATS."

"I'm surrounded by idiots," Sasuke grumbled quietly.

I turned to wink at him over my shoulder. "Ah, no longer scared?"

Sasuke blinked in surprise, then looked down at his hands. "How could anyone be scared while you're spewing crap out of your mouth?"

"I didn't realize the Uchiha were capable of such _crude_ language," I chortled, savoring how that made him glare hatefully at me. There was another loud explosion. "Now enough of this, let us watch the show!"

With rapt attention, I watched the battle between Zabuza and Kakashi grow more, and more destructive. They had easily destroyed a good portion of the trees, ground, and general area around them. Fortunately for me the mist was beginning to clear as Zabuza was starting to run low on his chakra. I could see Kakashi was beginning to gain the upperhand and just as Kakashi was about to deliver a fatal blow—

Senbon needles soared through the air and clipped either side of Zabuza's neck. The Kirkigakure missing nin tucked forward and passed out (presumably dead to all other onlookers).

Kakashi stepped towards the body, kunai in hand. He paused when Haku, in his ANBU disguise, appeared in between him and Zabuza. Haku bowed shallowly, and stiffly. "Thank you. I had been looking for a chance to eliminate Zabuza for a while now."

"You sound pretty," I sighed dreamily. "Are you going to take Zabuza away now?"

Haku nodded shortly. "Yes. His body belongs to Kirigakure. Thank you, once more, for your assistance."

"Wait a minute, who the hell are you? Why are you—"

"Quiet, Naruto," Kakashi ordered softly. "He's a hunter-nin—an ANBU sent from Kirigakure to hunt down Zabuza."

"But he's just a kid!"

"You will find in this world there are people younger than you, and stronger than I," Kakashi responded simply, then nodded briefly towards Haku.

"I bid you farewell, Konoha shinobi," Haku intoned, disappearing into the mist with Zabuza.

"I guess it's a good thing that ended when it did," Kakashi mumbled. I inched towards him.

"Why's that, Sensei?"

"Because I'm about to pass out," Kakashi confessed as he tucked forward and fell into my loving arms.

With a completely _innocent_ smile on my face, I whispered into his ear, "I shall take care of you, my sweet."

There was a low groan in response.

* * *

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* * *

Using Naruto's clones, we carried Kakashi back to Tazuna's house. After Tazuna's daughter (Tsunami) gave us a makeshift room, I kicked the two boys out so I could work on Kakashi.

I rummaged through my backpack before I pulled out a medical textbook on how to treat chakra exhaustion. I read through the texts a few more times to make sure I understood what I was about to do before I began my work.

Chakra exhaustion was a strain on the chakra network, and occasionally on the tenketsus. There wasn't much an iryo-nin could do to treat it, as the best treatment was the natural replenishment of the patient's chakra.

Given our situation, though, that would have been inadvisable.

I had used the technique once with Hinata with mixed results. Hinata understood I wanted to become an iryo-nin and supported me as best she could (like the sweetie she was). When she ran low on chakra one evening, she asked if I wanted to try giving her my chakra.

I had technically succeeded in giving her some of my chakra, but the ratio to what I tried to give her to what she actually received was heavily imbalanced. There was another technique that allowed me to transfer chakra from a third party, but I had never had the chance to practice it and I didn't want to risk hurting Kakashi further.

The only risk in giving him my own chakra was chakra exhaustion for myself (something much more preferable than having our biggest means of defense out like a light).

Gently, I placed my hand over Kakashi's chest—the heart tenketsus were the biggest ones in the body—and called forth my chakra. Blue chakra covered my hand until I was able to pick out my elemental nature. The green chakra hummed quietly as I slowly began to guide it through Kakashi's clothes, skin, and muscles and into his tenketsu.

His tenketsu greedily sucked in what I could give, and I was surprised at how much chakra I was able to transfer. After using up about half my reserves, I pulled my hand back and did another diagnostic test.

' _Sweet. He's no longer on the verge of death,'_ I thought happily. ' _I'll take a chakra pill after tending to the boys and use whatever I have left to give Kakashi more chakra. That ought to be enough to allow him to wake up naturally and not be in any pain. He'll still feel shaky, but at least his pathways won't ache.'_

I pulled the blankets up over Kakashi, and took out a coolant gel to rub on his forehead. Patients with frequent chakra exhaustion occasionally developed a fever. The gel should help keep him cool in case that happened.

Satisfied I had done what I could for my favorite teacher, I left the room.

I almost tripped on Naruto and Sasuke who were sitting right outside by the door.

"He gonna be okay?" Naruto asked hesitantly.

"He'll be fine," I promised him. "Only chakra exhaustion. Let me heal up your guys' bruises before I finish with him, though."

"I'm fine," Sasuke grunted.

"Either let me heal you, or I steal your underwear and sell it to your fangirls."

A vague look of horror crossed his face before the little avenger grudgingly allowed me to heal his bruised ribs. I once again sent praise to the Goggle Gods, Jashin, and Madara's Sexiness that no one had broken any bones.

I could heal, _technically_ , all parts of the body with the Shōsen. That didn't mean they were permanent fixes, or particularly _good_ healings. Shōsen merely acted as an encouragement for natural regrowth of the body. Of course when using Shōsen you had to have an understanding of anatomy to make sure things regrew correctly. A reason why not everyone was trained to use it was because if applied sparingly, or without direction, things regrew as mutations inside the body—cancer. The kind of cancer that killed you off within hours of being grown.

Knowledge of how the body was supposed to work, so when using the Shōsen one could accurately guide the regrowth of cells, was paramount. And thanks to my eidetic memory and all my previous life's knowledge, I _actually_ had that knowledge.

Okay, well, I had _enough_ of that knowledge to use Shōsen. In the past week I made sure to become _extremely_ intimate with the cardiovascular system, and the heart in particular.

So, _technically_ , I could heal anything.

But I wouldn't, because I shouldn't. There were simply some injuries that were too risky with my novice knowledge to even attempt. Brain, for example. Reproductive system, hell, the _entire_ nervous system and the majority of the tenketsus. Also, bones. Bones themselves weren't tricky to learn, so much as tricky to do. They required the most chakra to regrow properly. Healing a perfectly broken bone would take almost three-fourths of my chakra, whereas healing a sliced artery would be almost nothing.

 _Why_ bones were so chakra-intensive was a medical mystery at the moment.

Or at least for me, since I hadn't come across any specific explanation, yet.

* * *

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* * *

With gentle hands, I wiped off the cooling gel from Kakashi's forehead and reapplied new coolant.

There was a subtle shift in the atmosphere, and I felt Kakashi tense underneath my hand before I was knocked into the wall, a kunai at my throat.

I beamed at Kakashi, despite the groggy ex-ANBU staring at me with eyes like a dead fish. "Kakashi-sensei!"

He blinked, life returning to his eye as he released me.

Ignoring the stinging in my shoulders, I continued to smile happily at my favorite teacher. "You were worried I was going to take advantage of you, weren't you? Don't worry, I wouldn't do that kind of thing! Not this early on in our relationship, at least."

Kakashi chuckled weakly, sitting back down in his bed with a wince. "Aa. Yeah. You okay?"

"I'm fine," I reassured him cheerfully. "I'm way more worried about you, though. I tried to transfer as much as my chakra to you as I could. I healed your bruises, too."

"Maa, thank you, Sakura- _chan_ ," Kakashi said, giving me his eye-crinkle-smile.

I squealed, burying my face with my hands and squirming with delight at the honorific. That was high praise from Kakashi, since he never added a _chan_ to my name after I began making my half-ass passes at him.

 **Praise-whore.**

Kakashi cocked his head at me. "You seem to enjoy praises from me."

"Immensely," I confessed, still riding the giddy high off his praise.

"If I consistently praise you, would stop making passes at me?"

 **Oh.** _ **Wow**_ **.**

I froze, a frown on my face as I considered his question. "I-I don't know. I love them both so much."

"Food for thought, then, Sakura… chan," Kakashi whispered encouragingly.

I squealed again in utter delight. "Okay! I won't make any more physical advancements, okay? I promise! I can't stop words from coming out at times, but I can stop with the booty grabs for a while."

"I'll take what I can at this point."

I reached over and affectionately patted the top of his head. "Is this okay, though? Because I'm a very touchy-feely kind of person and I crave hugs like nobody's business."

Kakashi _hm_ 'd. "I will allow _one_ physical _appropriate_ contact per day outside of typical contact for our line of work."

Knowing that that was likely going to count as my only contact for the day, I savored the sensation of his outrageously soft hair for as long as I reasonably could before pulling back. "Do you use something special for your hair? My hair isn't anywhere _near_ as soft as yours."

"Genetics, I'm afraid."

"I would have your babies just to carry on that beautiful hair lineage."

Kakashi stared at me, and I sheepishly looked away.

"Sorry, I have no filter," I apologized.

"I hadn't noticed."

I cocked my head. "Oh. Um. Kakashi-sensei?"

"Yes?"

"Zabuza is definitely still alive."

"I figured as much."

"Okay. Good. Glad we're on the same page, then. You want to tell the others, or shall I?"

Kakashi made a _hm_ sound. "Why don't you tell them, and when you're done tell Naruto and Sasuke to meet me outside for some training."

I bowed to him. "Your wish is my command."

"Really."

"No. But I will do this for you."

* * *

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* * *

"We're ready to begin training," Kakashi began, leaning on a crutch. The four of us stood in the middle of a small clearing nearby Tazuna's house in the early morning. "What I'm going to teach you is a chakra control technique, and is essential for every shinobi and kunoichi.

"We already know how to use chakra," Naruto complained. "Can't you teach us something cool for once?"

"Nope," Kakashi said cheerfully. "You have to learn this first before I'll even _think_ about teaching you any 'cool' techniques."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "Fine. If we master this quickly will you teach us something useful, then?"

"This _is_ useful. You're going to climb a tree."

"Climb a—" Naruto stopped as Kakashi began to walk vertically up a tree. " _Wow_!"

"Uh," I hesitantly began. "Kakashi-sensei I already know—"

Kakashi waved his hand. "I figured as much, given you can already perform the Shōsen, but Naruto and Sasuke don't. Wouldn't you say this is a valuable skill?"

"Very much so," I agreed, then turned towards the boys. "All you have to do is channel chakra into your feet and stick onto any flat surface."

"Essentially correct," Kakashi agreed.

Naruto cheered. "Alright! I'll reach the top in the first try."

Sasuke smirked. "Not in a million years, dead last."

He tossed down two kunai that landed at their feet. "Use that knife to mark where you are able to climb up with your current ability. Then try to make a new mark above that mark. You guys aren't good enough to climb by walking so run to give yourself a good head start. Got it?"

Naruto grabbed his kunai and grinned. "This is going to be too easy."

Naruto then rushed forward, Sasuke following closely behind. I decided to ignore them, instead turning to Kakashi.

"And before you ask, I already know water-walking, too," I told him. "I mean, like, I can't _fight_ on water, but I can walk on it and whatnot. I was actually hoping I could get your permission for a different sort of training."

Kakashi tilted his head. "What do you have in mind?"

"I was wondering if, maybe, hopefully, pretty please, if I could go into town and offer my medical services to the local," I pleaded.

Kakashi chuckled. "As long as they understand you are not certified, I don't see why not."

I beamed. " _Yes_! You are the _best_ sensei _ever_."

Kakashi rubbed sheepishly at the back of his head. "I don't know about that. Make sure you're back before it gets dark out, okay?"

"Okay!" I chirped, already turning on my heel and practically sprinting off.

* * *

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* * *

The town of Waves was as depressing and sullen as anyone would think it would be under an idiotic tyrant. If I had the know-how, I would have just gone on and killed Gato myself while Zabuza was out of commission. Save us all a headache.

But, I didn't have the know-how, and I understood the importance of the lessons the mission had to impart on Naruto and Sasuke.

I looked around, seeking out the first injured or sickly person I could find. I made sure to have my backpack on hand, so I could consult the textbooks if I came across anything tricky.

My eyes settled on a group of dirty, ragged children at the corner of the street. A grin stretched across my face and I called to them, "Hey, kiddos. Want some free candy?"

 **Oh. My. Madara's. Sexiness.**

The way their faces lit up like fireworks, made me giggle in amusement. They rushed over to me, as I pulled out the candy and kneeled before them. Already, I could see how malnourished, bruised, and battered they were.

' _Hello, practice.'_

 **EXTRA:**

"So," I began, wiggling my eyebrows at Kakashi. "During that fight with Zabuza, how'd I do?"

Kakashi looked up from his book, and blinked owlishly at me. "What?"

"I totally threw him off his game by making him flustered! You're welcome by the way."

Kakashi seemed genuinely surprised. "You mean you did that _on purpose_?"

"Yes," I lied. "I totally did not think up that reason five minutes ago for the hopes that you would praise me."

Kakashi shook his head, chuckling. "I see. Good job, Sakura-chan."

I squealed.

 **Feel shame, you praise-whore.**

' _Never.'_

* * *

 _*Insert Mia and Sakura dancing around like crazy to some bootylicious song while Nao watches utterly uncomfortable, and Miwako consoles Kurama of Fluff he won't get spanked again*_

 _Reviews inspire me to write apparently. And I'm honestly having so much writing this. It's really making me laugh. :)_

 _Reviews are_ _ **love**_ _._

 _ **Answer:**_ _Tobi would be my bodyguard because he can take a joke and Maddie-hime can't. Gon is after us because he's a cutie patootie and he needs to admit he loves Killua, and I totes stole his fishing rod._

 _ **Question:**_ _What is your bootylicious song?_

 _Unbeta'd. Please let me know if there are any major typos / grammatical errors._


	6. So Crazy About You Aorta Be Committed

_"Yes, of course I'm athletic. I surf the internet every day."_

 _-Anon_

 _ **Disclaimer:**_ _Naruto is Kishimoto's toy, I'm just playing with it._

 _ **Warning:**_ _This story is purely made for feel-goods and laughter. I do not care one bit, not a one bit, about your science, good sir. This story will have the occasional dash of angst, because it is a good seasoning to every story. This particular chapter shall add said seasoning._

 _ **Edit: 6/24/14**_

 _ **Edit: 4/29/17**_

 _ **Edit: 5/3/17**_

 _ **Guess who's POV is at the end of the chapter? :D**_

 _ **I also addressed Sakura's sexuality at the bottom.**_

* * *

I took a long swig of my water, feeling increasingly more tired with every second that passed by. While healing the children, my Shōsen caught the attention of surrounding adults who then asked if I was a doctor. I told them I training to become one, which seemed more than good enough for them. For an hour, I was pulled across town as people begged me to heal loved ones.

Then one of them suggested setting me up in a specific location and bringing people to me.

So, they set me up in the old clinic (the doctor had left towards the beginning of Gato's reign, and the place had been thoroughly ransacked since then for precious medicine). Feeling in a particular mood, I took off my hoodie and pulled out a long white doctor coat I bought for such an occasion.

Granted, I had hoped to use it in another elaborate ploy to coax another amusing reaction from Kakashi, but given that I had chosen praise over such a thing, the plan would never come to fruition.

Villagers lined up outside, each with varying degrees of illness or injuries. Many villagers helped carry the more significantly injured towards the front of my line, and right off the bat I was greeted with ghastly infected cuts, and oozing orifices.

I had to consult my textbooks repeatedly to treat most of the cases brought to me. All broken bones I set (sometimes I had to rebreak which made me cringe the first few times) and put in a cast, knowing better than to try and heal them on my own. Illnesses, I did what I could to alleviate their symptoms, but I stressed they would have to visit a proper doctor for medication. I was able to diagnose a fair few cases, which seemed to help them as they knew "home remedies." Infected wounds, I siphoned off as much of the injection as I could and purged it with my chakra before closing the wound and prescribing bed rest and giving them what antibiotics I could spare. They would be feverish for a while, but with most of the infection "sucked out", and the wound closed there was a good chance they would recuperate on their own.

Unfortunately, that was not always the case. There were two men brought to me who had gangrene severe enough that the only way to save them was amputation.

Something of which I was _really_ not qualified to do, so I sent a villager to go to Tazuna's home and tell them that I needed some kind of clone of Kakashi for a bit.

Half an hour later one shadow clone of Kakashi was at my side.

"Um," was all I said, gesturing towards the unconscious men. I had numbed and knocked them out. They rested side by side in the clinic, faint moans rising out of them occasionally.

Kakashi heaved out a sigh. "I probably should have anticipated this would happen."

"Apparently, they've been without a doctor for six months," I mumbled.

Kakashi scratched his cheek. "Tazuna mentioned something like that, yes." He made a _hm_. "You know this doesn't pertain to our mission, right?"

"These people need—"

"We _need_ to guard Tazuna."

"You said I could—"

"I know what I said, Sakura, but you need to understand your priorities. Tomorrow you must guard Tazuna. You cannot be here to heal or play doctor, and judging from that line outside you didn't tell them that."

It honestly didn't cross my mind that I wouldn't be able to take care of them. I flushed. "I—"

Kakashi squatted down beside me, so his eyes were level with my own. "Do you think this all a game?"

I bit my tongue, glaring at him instead. "I asked you here for your help. If you don't want to help, then don't. I'll—I'll figure it out on my own."

"Will you now."

" _Yes_ ," I snapped irritably.

"Okay, then." Kakashi said, disappearing in a puff of smoke.

My hands quivered, and I clenched them into fists, fury churning inside of my stomach.

I took a deep breath.

I let it out slowly, shoving down my anger and all negative emotions. Slowly, I turned back towards the two men.

' _I got this.'_

* * *

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* * *

I returned to Tazuna's home, covered in dried blood, after dusk. I didn't step inside the home, though, because I realized how I must have looked. Instead, I headed down to the water, cleaned myself up, and pulled my clean red hoodie over my dirty clothes.

Naruto and Sasuke had not returned, but I found Tazuna sitting by the kitchen table with Tsunami and Kakashi.

Tsunami smiled at me. "Welcome back, Sakura-chan."

My back stiffened, and for a moment the stench of blood and—

I forced a bright smile on my face, shoving everything far, _far_ down inside of me. "Thanks! I got a lot of training done today."

Tsunami nodded. "I saw the line outside the clinic. Were you able to meet with everyone?"

"Everyone critical," came my response. "I'll be guarding Tazuna tomorrow, though, so it'll be a while before I can—I can _play_ doctor again."

If anyone noticed how I stumbled over my words, they did not comment. Kakashi eyed me carefully, before he gave me an eye-smile. "I'm glad you were able to gain some practical experience, Sakura-chan."

Again, my back stiffened. I stretched my smile wider. "Yeah! Great day. _Really_ fantastic day. I'm going to head to bed. What time do you want to leave, Tazuna?"

"Before sunrise," Tazuna grunted, offering me a faint smile.

"Great. Awesome."

I left the room.

* * *

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* * *

The next morning, I got up and ready well before the boys and met Tazuna in the kitchen. Tsunami offered us each a homemade lunch, her gaze lingering a moment or two on my face. "Sakura-chan, did you sleep alright?"

"Huh? Yeah, why?"

"Your eyes look a little puf—"

I laughed, loudly. "Oh, it's just allergies. You see last night before I came home the Goggle Gods told me to smell some flowers on the way back. Being the loyal disciple I am, I smelled _all_ the flowers I could find. I must have had a reaction to one of them."

She looked at me dubiously. "I… see."

I affectionately patted her arm. "Don't worry about me. I'm a happy person at heart. Nothing brings me down!"

That got a chortle from Tazuna. "I believe it! You laughed in the face of death the other day."

"Death is just the next adventure."

Kakashi appeared at the doorway, although I wasn't sure how long he might have actually stood there, listening. "Heading out?"

I nodded my head, projecting a cheerful demeanor. "Yeah! Oh, here, Kakashi-sensei!" I handed him a bottle of chakra pills. "Those are chakra vitamins my Kaa-chan bought me a while ago. You're supposed to take some when you're chakra exhausted, and it'll promote a faster regeneration."

Kakashi deftly took the small glass bottle from my hands, his gaze lingering on the bright pink bow wrapped around it. He looked back up at me, an eye-smile on his face. "Maa, thank you, Sakura-chan."

I—

I smiled at honorific. "I'll see you later!"

"Remember to use your flares if you run into trouble."

"I know, I know."

* * *

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* * *

Morning mist drifted on the water below the bridge. I watched Tazuna work, from where I stood on top of the water below.

I may not have been able to continue to _play_ doctor, but that didn't mean I was going to stop training. Zabuza wouldn't be able to act for five more days, at least, and Haku was too kind to act with any kind of malicious intent without Zabuza's orders. It would be an exorbitant amount of wasted time to merely sit around watching people work.

So while I stood on top of the water, my fingers worked on a cross-stitch. It was a little awkward doing that standing up (I had to have the thread tucked under my armpit and my fingers were already getting tired after two hours). Still, I needed the sewing practice, and cross stitching was the best way to practice my sutures. Not to mention I had to learn how to sew if I wanted to remake all of my plushies. No Amazon or Cons there.

My stomach growled as I neared the end of my picture (Garfield, the original Grumpy Cat), and I knew it was time to eat lunch. Hastily, I climbed back up the nearest support beam and hopped over the railing onto the bridge. One of Tazuna's workers gave a startled surprise at that, to which I awarded him with a saucy wink.

I headed over to where I had placed my backpack and lunch. I found Tazuna sitting on a stack of cement mix, eating his own lunch and chatting with some of his fellow workers.

With a bright, warm smile I sat on the ground with the group of people. They all returned my smile with grins of their own.

"You're Sakura-sensei, right?" one of the workers, Izu if I remembered correctly, asked.

"I'm not a certified doctor, yet," I told him, "but yes, I am Sakura."

Izu's grin stretched. "You were amazing yesterday. When the bridge is done, will you—?"

"If I have my sensei's permission, I would love to," I promised him. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to get to everyone, and about the amp—"

Izu shook his head. "We all know you did what you could, and you definitely saved a lot of people's lives yesterday."

 _That_ made me blush, because it was a bit of an exaggeration. The vast majority of them could gone on well enough until a proper doctor could arrive at the village once the bridge was complete. "I wouldn't say that. I'm glad I could help, though."

Kensuke, another worker (although he was older than Tazuna) grunted and waved me off. "Will you be guarding us until the bridge is finished, or will your teammates be joining you?"

"Most likely it'll just me for a while," I answered. "My teammates require some more training that I've already completed. Kakashi-sensei feels confident that Zabuza won't be able to attack us for a while, which is why he feels comfortable leaving me alone to guard. The main concern right now are low-level thugs, which I am more than capable of handling."

The others chuckled and Tazuna boasted, "We'll have this bridge finished before those brats even finish their training."

That elicited more laughter, and more workers came over to join us for their lunch.

In all in all, it was a very relaxing and happy day.

* * *

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* * *

That pattern continued over the next few days. Sasuke and Naruto only finished their training very late one night, and the next morning Naruto was too tuckered out to wake up properly. We decided to leave him behind, while the three of us followed Tazuna towards the bridge.

I wasn't overly surprised when we found all of the unconscious (hopefully) workers at the bridge.

"I sense Zabuza in the mist," I told them, as I hurried over to the nearest body and checked for a pulse. I was relieved to find one. "THANK YOU FOR NOT KILLING THEM, ZABUZA."

There was a dry chuckle that echoed throughout the mist. "They weren't worth the effort. I hope you brats didn't miss me too much."

"I'm glad Mei's lover is okay," I mumbled out loud.

"I am _not_ —" There was a pause. "Hand over the bridge builder, or I chop off that pretty little head of yours."

I giggled, covering my cheeks in a mock gesture to hide my nonexistent blush. "You think I'm pretty?"

Zabuza chose not to verbally respond, instead the mist began to thicken enough that I could no longer pick out his unique signature at a specific point. All I sensed and felt was his chakra around me, and once more I had to consciously and consistent purge my system of his chakra.

"Enough."

Kakashi moved in front of me. "I'll handle Zabuza, Sakura stay with Tazuna, and Sasuke—"

"I already know," Sasuke said, taking the first leap forwards. Haku moved in the same instant, appearing out of the mist and meeting Sasuke head on.

I grabbed Tazuna's hand. "Come on, let's try and grab all our the workers and move them out of the way."

"R-Right," Tazuna stammered, and the two of us grabbed the first worker and moved him off. I felt Zabuza's chakra spike, and there was a loud clanging noise. Kakashi had intercepted Zabuza's first attack on Tazuna, and the two were locked in battle soon afterwards.

I forced Tazuna to move quickly. I trusted Kakashi to keep Zabuza off us long enough that we could gather all of the workers. It didn't take long to accomplish such—perhaps three minutes? When I had everyone lined up together and to the side, I did a preliminary examination of each and determined that the worst case they would suffer would be a mild concussion.

Then I was right back in front of Tazuna, kunai in hand and I watched the battles unfold around us.

"GO KAKASHI-SENSEI!" I cheered happily, leaping up and down and using my kunai like pom-poms. "Gimme a B! Gimme an E! Gimme a S and T! What's that spell? _BEST!_ Best, best, Kakashi's the best, if you don't believe me put him to the test!"

I finished with a whoop and another cheer.

Kakashi's chidori flared to life and he deftly sliced through Zabuza's latest water dragon. I tilted my head to the side, as I watched their entirely epic battle. Taking a deep breath, I bellowed out, "MEI AND ZABUZA SITTIN' IN A TREE—"

Suddenly there were four furious Zabuza water clones headed my way. I gave a gleeful shout that I was finally being included, and no longer being left out. Unfortunately the water clones had 1/10 of Zabuza's power, and one good hit was all it would take to dispel them. Even as weak as I was (which was definitely stronger than canon!Sakura at the time considering I had actually been training and _working hard_ ), the clones didn't cause me too much of a hassle.

They did nick me good on the cheek, which made me inordinately happy that I got to put on a cute bandaid (it was pink and had puggies on it) on my cheek. It didn't take long for Haku to summon his ice mirrors, to which I had to briefly change up my cheer to cheer for Haku because the poor boy looked so depressed to be fighting others, and he deserved a little love.

Then it was right back to cheer for Kakashi because they're fight was starting to escalate and that shit was _cool_. They didn't fight nearly as over the top in the anime as they were at the moment (whereas the Haku and Sasuke fight was so canon it was almost boring to watch).

To be honest, I wasn't entirely sure if Haku would even have a chance to "die" for his mentor. Kakashi was pulling out some crazy shit in hopes of suppressing Zabuza fast enough that Zabuza wouldn't be a genuine danger to his students.

' _A change brought on by my mere existence. Did I motivate Kakashi enough to try, or was the manga incorrect in saying that Kakashi half-assed and lazily fought Zabuza in the first place? Or perhaps, was Kakashi sincerely concerned that if he_ didn't _try hard against Zabuza, I had successfully pissed off the missing-nin enough that he would murder me in a most horrendous fashion?'_

 **Probably one of the first two. It simply never made any sense for Kakashi to not go entirely all out against Zabuza immediately. The man was traumatized from his past, enough so that he didn't allow a single to comrade to die since Rin while on a mission. There's no way Kakashi would trust his comrades to take care of themselves, so he** _ **has**_ **to be the one to kill all the enemies.**

' _If the manga wasn't canonical for this, though, then what else might be wrong?'_

 **Who knows? Might be fun to find out.**

' _I always loved a good mystery / thriller!'_

 **You can't count this as a thriller when you aren't even a** _ **little**_ **scared. Hell, you're absolutely delighted to be put in a life or death situation, you masochist.**

' _This is true. I love my life so much right now. Like, this is friggin fantastic. Ahh, I need to hurry up and finish my Kisame plushy so I have something to hug whenever I want.'_

Naruto showed up with all his grand cuteness, leaping straight into the fray with the Sasuke / Haku battle.

Since my future son had shown up, I knew it was time to cheer for him. "Go Naruto, go! You've got V-I-C-T-O-R-Y, so split that V and dot that I and bring Momma that C-T-O-R-Y!"

I waved my hands in the air like I just didn't care.

"Aren't you even a little concerned for your teammates?" Tazuna inquired incredulously.

I shook my head. "Na-uh. I have complete faith in them. Besides, doesn't it make you feel better having someone who is entirely nonchalant around?"

"A little," Tazuna admitted.

"Do you mind if we move closer to Naruto and Sasuke's battle with Haku? I have a feeling I'm about to get a chance to cover Sasuke in hot pink bandaids."

"I don't mind at all," Tazuna said, and the two of us moved across the bridge for a front row seat into the teenage angsty battle.

I half-heartedly listened to Haku's tragic backstory, having heard it well over a hundred times by now. I could even slightly mouth the words as Haku spoke them, I knew it that well. Once storytime was over, the trio began their battle once more, and I picked up my cheering.

My cheering respectfully died off when Sasuke activated his Sharingan, and Naruto was thoroughly covered in senbon. Naruto struggled with consciousness, and I itched to pull them out and cover him in bandages, but I knew I couldn't get to them as long as Haku's kekkei genkai was active. If I went to them, then Tazuna would be left entirely unguarded and all three of us would be trapped inside with Haku.

Instead, I patiently waited for Sasuke to properly pass out after taking numerous senbon (to the knee). I waited until Kurama of the Fluff made his grand appearance and Naruto destroyed the ice mirrors as he threw Haku away with one furious punch that in the process shattered his mask.

While Naruto began his Therapy-no-Jutsu, I heard Kakashi's and Zabuza's battle slowly begin to dwindle down into less extreme forms. I couldn't watch them, though, as I had to dress Sasuke's wounds.

I kneeled beside my broody teammate, Tazuna nervously looking down at him beside me. "Is he gonna be okay?"

"Of course he will be." I snorted, pulling one senbon at a time. Once a senbon was pulled out, I placed a doctored hot pink bandaid on it, and patted it down before moving onto the next one. Some of the senbon required very careful remove as they pierced awfully close to some vital spots and I didn't want to waste what precious chakra I had healing Sasuke when I would desperately need it later.

I was so absorbed in my meticulous process (I still had to use diagnostic tests to confirm none of his nervous were damaged, given the nature of senbon), that I was honestly surprised to hear the loud barking noises of Kakashi's pack.

My head immediately snapped out, eyes widening.

Then I realized that I sensed a whole bunch of small chakras gathering at the end of the bridge.

' _Fate-no-Jutsu strikes again!'_

Mirroring the manga, Zabuza was thoroughly trapped by Kakashi's pack. I shot up onto my feet, as Kakashi built up his Chidori. "Wait! Kakashi-sensei, don't—"

Of course my words came out too clumsily and slow to be processed fast enough to stop what was happening. I knew it was coming, of course, but there wasn't a whole lot I could do to _prevent_ it. I couldn't very well ask Kakashi to spare Zabuza, or Haku, could I? Not until the whole Gato thing was cleared up, and I had no idea when in the hell he would be showing up exactly (and _of course_ he would show up right around the same time shit would hit the fan, bastard). I wasn't strong enough to stall them myself.

No, no. I could not _prevent_ it, but I could _fix it_.

And I would.

I felt Haku's chakra fluctuate beside me and one moment he was with Naruto, and the next he was in front of Zabuza, taking a Chidori straight through the chest.

"Naruto, guard Tazuna," I snapped out, sprinting full speed towards my future harem.

Naruto barely sputtered out a reply. Then I was there, and I tackled straight into Haku, twisting our bodies around so he landed on top of me. I didn't even look up to take note of the surprised expressions on Zabuza and Kakashi's face. Instead, I whipped out the single more expensive thing I had ever bought in my entire life.

A very special seal. One that was so ridiculously expensive, I was going to use all my cunning and wit to convince Naruto to become a seal master so he could make the damn seals for me himself, because sweet berry loving Mew that shit was _outrageous_. Six months of advance allowance, almost all of my missions savings, _and_ it counted as my damn birthday gift from my parents!

Like.

Ugh.

If he wasn't so damn cute…

Nerves pricked at me, as I knew I had to move swiftly. Laying Haku on the ground, his head resting in my lap, I pulled out the one-time-use seal and placed it above the hole in his chest.

Pouring chakra into the seal, it lit up a pale green before dissolving into his skin, and Haku took a shuddering breath, his chest rising up and down despite there being a hole where his heart technically should have been.

The number seven glowed a pale green where the seal had been placed.

When I looked back up towards the two elite shinobi, Zabuza took the moment to maneuver out of Kakashi's summons and leap away to gain some distance.

"What are you doing, Sakura?" Kakashi asked, turning towards me.

"Before you guys continue with your death threats, and whatnot, I think you should pay attention to the end of thatta way," I said, pointing dramatically towards the end of the bridge.

Their eyes followed to where my finger was pointing, and I felt the mist clear up. I took a great breath of relief at that.

At the end of the bridge was Gato in all his hideous self.

"Gato?" Zabuza asked, incredulous. "What are you doing here? Why do you have those henchmen?"

"Our strategy has changed a little bit," Gato said in that whiny voice of his. "Since hiring shinobi are so expensive, I thought it would be best if you died here. I had hoped these brats would be able to finish you off, after you had killed Tazuna, but… It looks like my men and I will have the pleasure of killing you all."

"I vote that Zabuza joins our side and kills Gato and all those men," I put out there.

"If you don't make any more suggestions about Mei and myself, I suppose I'll join your shitty ass team for the moment to clean up this moron," Zabuza grumbled.

"Okay," I lied.

A cough wracked through Zabuza's body and he spat out some blood. "Fuck your Chidori, Kakashi."

"I could say the same thing about your damn sword," Kakashi muttered, clutching at a heavily bleeding arm.

"I've got left," Zabuza said. "And Gato."

"I'll take right, then."

And then they were gone, and heads began to fly off bodies and into the air.

I clapped my hands enthusiastically while Naruto and Tazuna joined beside me. Naruto then noticed Haku in my lap, and he gasped. "Is he…?"  
"Shh," I shushed him. "This is a rare moment where we get to see how utterly powerless civilians are to shinobi. Even if the shinobi are almost out of chakra, bleeding profusely, and look about ready to pass out."

"Uh," was all Naruto could say in response to that.

When the massacre was over (and it barely lasted thirty seconds), Zabuza and Kakashi returned to us.

Then Zabuza's knees gave out and Zabuza fell to the ground, every inch of his body shaking and oozing blood. My gaze swept over to Kakashi, and I realized that he had relaxed. Knowing that was my chance, I leapt up from my spot, pulling out my firstaid scroll. "Naruto, help me with Zabuza."

Naruto appeared surprised for a moment, then he noticed my scroll and without a word he appeared by my side the moment I reached Zabuza.

"What are you doing?" Zabuza wheezed out.

"Saving your life," came my response. I unsealed the supplies from the scroll, feeling Kakashi's presence behind me. His hand rested on my shoulder and he squatted beside me. He did not say anything, though, merely watched as I handed Naruto a bottle of blood pills. "Make him swallow five of these. I'm going to do a patch job on him because I need to conserve my chakra for the hardest part."

Naruto nodded, clumsily pouring out pills in his hand before shoving one in Zabuza's mouth.

Zabuza spat it out. "Stop it, you damn brats. I—"

"I don't want Haku to come out of this without a master," I impatiently snapped. "Either you cooperate, or I stick needles in places that you don't want needles to stuck."

"H-Haku?" Naruto stumbled, his eyes wide. "He's really alive?"

"I have him on a bypass seal, and I _think_ I can probably hopefully save his life, but I first have to make sure Zabuza lives because apparently Haku is suicidal without him."

Zabuza's eyes rested on me, unreadable. "You're not lying."

"Not in this case," I confirmed. "So will you cooperate?"

Zabuza closed his eyes. "Fine."

As Naruto fed the blood pills to Zabuza, I moved quickly to bandage what I could.

Kakashi's hand fell away from my shoulder, and I felt him move to my left.

"Kakashi-sensei, Zabuza and Haku are my patients now," I told him, my tone brusque and firm. "As their doctor, I will do everything in my power to keep in alive. They are no longer a threat to us."

Kakashi eyed me, his thoughts unreadable for a solid minute. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

My gaze stayed even with his. "He's my patient now." My hands tightened into fists. "Either help me, or leave."

Kakashi's face was unreadable, a wall of apathy.

"Okay. I'll help."

Shock poured over me like ice water on a snowy winter day.

Through the corner of my eye, I saw him grab a needle and medical thread. Surprise fluttered through me again, along with a brief burst of happiness. Zabuza noticed what Kakashi was doing and mumbled, "Even _you_?"

"My cute students are working hard to save your life," he said quietly, "I don't want that to go to waste." Then he gave Zabuza that beautiful eye-smile. "Besides, it's not every day I get to save the life of someone after I so soundly defeat them."

Zabuza snorted, and choked out a laugh which made more blood pool out of his wounds and I slapped for that. "Stop that. You be a good patient and remain perfectly still."

The three of us worked quietly for several minutes (after Naruto was done feeding him the pills, he bandaged and disinfected the smaller wounds). We stopped the bleeding, and I was able to repair the largest of tendon tears in his arms. He would require more advanced healing than what I was capable of, but at the very least he had mobility in his arms again.

Satisfied that he was not going to die for a while, I nodded my head. "Okay, good. I'll see what else I can do for you after I take care of Haku."

"Take care of Haku?"

We all turned our eyes to a groggy Sasuke (who looked a little funny with all those hot pink bandages on him). He walked towards us, grimacing from his stiff muscles. Naruto beamed. "Sasuke! You had us worried."

He shrugged, looking uncomfortable.

Kakashi stood up, heading over to Sasuke. "You going to be okay?"

Sasuke nodded, looking over at me. I answered for him, "Haku missed all the vital spots. His tendons are going to be stiff for a while, but he'll make a full recovery. Only reason he passed out was because Haku hit a nerve cluster around his spine to induce a brief coma."

Zabuza grunted as he sat up—slowly, because my hand was on his chest and I wasn't allowing him to move any faster than necessary—then snorted upon seeing the bandaged Sasuke.

Sasuke glared and moved to remove the bandages, but I idly pointed out, "If you start bleeding and pass out again I'll dress you up into a cat girl."

That got him to stop.

I crawled over to where Haku was, doing another diagnostic examination. I looked around. "Well, he's going to need a new heart and there sure are a lot of hearts about to go to waste around here."

Naruto's face twisted in obvious disgust, while Zabuza nodded slowly. Kakashi and Sasuke remained impassive. Zabuza shifted his weight before he stood up shakily. "Alright. Tell me which one matches his blood type and I'll get it."

"Okay," I said easily, standing up, as well. "I'll, uh, need room to work. And some, ah, makeshift nurses. I've never _ever_ done this before, so I'll need someone to turn pages in my textbook and whatnot."

"I-I can do that." Naruto looked uncomfortable at the idea of harvesting organs, but he clearly didn't want Haku to die.

"You can use our house," Tazuna offered. "We should—we should go ahead and prepare, then?"  
At the question, I glanced over at Tazuna and nodded. "Yeah. As clean as you can make it, and, um, you'll probably want to lay down some trash bags around what you don't want to get bloodstained. Or something. I—I don't, um."

Kakashi interrupted me before I could start getting flustered, for which I was grateful. It was already nerve-wracking what I was about to, and having to become an impromptu leader made me surprisingly uncomfortable. "I'll set things up. When I return we'll move Haku."

About that time the army Naruto had Therapy-no-Jutsu'd for showed up.

 _'I honestly almost forgot about that broody brat.'_

I turned to Naruto. "You started that, so you gotta make them leave and stay outta our way."

"Uh, right," Naruto said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. He jogged over to where the men and women were, and I could hear their shouts of victory when he told them that Gato was dead.

"I'll be back shortly," Kakashi said bluntly, heading away.

I glanced slyly over at Zabuza. "You know, all those women are gonna wanna hug you to thank you for killing Gato."

"If anyone touches me I'll skin them alive," the missing-nin grouched.

I pointedly reached over and patted his shoulder.

The look I got of sheer irritation was positively delicious.

* * *

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* * *

"Okay," I said outloud. Tsunami had set us up with the spare room, and removed all the furniture inside except a large sturdy table, some chairs, and a waste basket. I noticed that there were seals drawn around the room and when I pointed them out Kakashi admitted he drew them.

 _I've had iryo-nin teammates before,_ was what he said, _The seals are merely basic decontamination seals for emergency surgeries in the field._

Haku laid bare-chested on the table, while Naruto held up my medical textbook beside Zabuza. It was a how-to for field heart transplants (written by none other than Tsunade). Zabuza had a chair pulled up on the opposite side of the table, next to Naruto, staring down at Haku's hole. Kakashi was on my right, appearing entirely relaxed. Sasuke was on my left, watching everything with curious eyes.

"Okay," I repeated. "Zabuza, you have the heart?"

Zabuza grunted and pointed down towards the corpse. "I'll harvest it when we're ready."

"Right. Okay. First—" I squinted at the textbook. "—First thing is to make sure the patient is on bypass. The seal has another—" I glanced at the seal, reading the number it had burned into Haku's skin. "—six hours. That will keep Haku breathing, via directing his chakra system."

And wasn't _that_ something interesting to learn. THe chakra system was so tightly wound with all of the other systems, that when one of the systems failed it directly affected the other. So if, say, someone's lungs collapsed, with the proper know-how he/she could still breath through drawing in air into their chakra system and having their chakra regulate their body. Which made sense given how in the manga people blew out some justus that lasted way longer than what normal people could breathe. They had to be breathing _somehow._

Chakra was friggin amazing.

"Next step, sanitation, which is already done. Now we have to o-open him up. And here's where it gets messy."

Chakra flared to life around my hand, becoming heavily dense. The Chakra Scalpel was one of the first techniques I was required to learn, and one of the hardest for myself. Creating chakra dense enough to slice through bone and skin was a skill that only the Hyūga and iryo-nin could boast about. Thankfully, Hinata was easily able to assist me (as the Hyūga also made their chakra significantly dense in order to block tenketsus).

And considering what happened to the last two patients I used it on, I felt extremely nervous.

Well, the whole shebang made me nervous as hell. I had _never_ done that kind of thing before, and it was all very—very— _intense_.

It wasn't a fight, but yet a life rested in my hands.

Moreover someone I happened to like very much depended on me.

Ugh.

I did not do well with that kind of pressure.

 **Relax. You aren't alone.**

' _Right._ '

I made the incision as the picture showed, my hands trembling minutely. I knew I would have to have steady hands during the actual transplant and when I worked with the arteries and heart, so when I was done cutting Haku open properly I took a deep breath and waited until the shaking stopped before proceeding.

"Next is, uh…" I peered inside Haku's chest. "Um…"

"Is something wrong, Sakura?" Kakashi asked.

"I, uh, I can't tell which artery is the—um—it looks very different than the diagram."

"That would be because of my Chidori," Kakashi patiently said before he moved his hand and pointed towards a squishy lump. "That would be what you are looking for."

"Oh," was all I said before I tentatively began to urge the tissue to regrow around the damaged artery. I had to make sure all the surrounding organs and tissues were repaired and ready to receive the new heart before I made the swap. "Then—"

Zabuza's hand drifted above Haku and his finger pointed towards another lump. "That next."

Relief settled inside of me. It made sense that the two renowned assassins would know all the vital anatomy, and I was extremely grateful they were able to discern the important parts from the mess that was Haku's chest.

As I started to repair the arteries, the blood began to pump through them once more, and I had to "seal" (and by seal it was really a type of cauterize) them off so Haku wouldn't start profusely bleeding out. Every time I seemed unsure of what to do next, either Kakashi or Zabuza would point me in the right direction.

When my reserves were starting to protest heavily, I quietly asked for someone to hand me a chakra pill. Sasuke was the first one to move, placing it in my mouth quickly (as I was elbow deep at the moment). I swallowed it dry, disliking the bitter taste in my mouth.

Once I had repaired as much as I reasonably could around Haku's surrounding organs, tissues, and other fun stuff, I knew it was time to make the transfer. Zabuza seemed to realize that, because he stiffly turned towards the corpse and pulled out a skinning knife.

My arms were starting to grow heavy as I carefully pulled out bits of Haku's heart and placed them in the nearby waste basket. Once that was done, I found that Zabuza was holding out the—ah—new heart.

Another shudder ran through me and I had to take another moment to recollect myself before I gently took the new heart. I couldn't honestly tell if it was a good heart, or not. It just felt like a lump of warm muscles in my hands, and another fit of anxiety hit me when I realized that I had reached the crucial moment.

I had to successfully transplant the new heart and incorporate it with all of his repaired arteries.

Swallowing roughly, I very slowly lowered the heart down. It fit a bit too snugly than Haku's previous heart, but a big heart was better than no heart.

Naruto turned the page for me and I began to painstakingly slowly reconnect and unseal the arteries. Like before, when I felt hesitant Kakashi or Zabuza would quietly point out where I had to go next and tell me what to do.

"O-Okay," I shakily said. "Now we have to restart his heart."

"Would you like me to do that, Sakura?" Kakashi gently asked.

I nodded jerkily, pulling my hands out and stumbling backwards. Kakashi readjusted his sterile gloves before placing them on either side of the heart. There was a moment of silence, and then I felt, rather than saw, his chakra release.

On the third try the new heart began to beat.

Zabuza let out a shaky chuckle. "Tenacious brat. I knew he would be too much of a coward to die."

My entire body shuddered and my knees gave out as relief crashed through me. I fell to the floor in a graceless lump. "Oh. My. Madara's. Sexiness."

Naruto grinned at me and set the book down before he went over to me. He looked like he was about ready to hug me, but then realized I was covered in blood and stopped. He nodded. "I'll hug you after you shower."

"Yay," I croaked. "I, uh, I can't seem to stand back up."

"I can sew him back up," Zabuza muttered. "Kakashi, you should probably get your little doctor some fresh air before she passes out."

Kakashi eyed Zabuza for a moment before he motioned for Sasuke and Naruto to follow him. "Come on, minions, Let's get Sakura outside."

I wheezed. "I feel like I'm going to throw up and pass out."

"You very well might," Kakashi agreed, picking me up with one arm and throwing me over his shoulder.

"I'll come back soon to visit Haku!" Naruto exclaimed, grinning brightly at Zabuza. Then he paused. "And I guess you, too. You're _kind of_ alright."

Zabuza sneered at him in the same moment Sasuke walked out of the room.

* * *

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* * *

An hour later, and I still could not keep from trembling. At the very least I no longer felt like I was going to throw up.

Haku would have to see a proper doctor to finish repairing all of his internal injuries. I could only do a very thin patch job over the injuries—like a scab. Not to mention there was still the chance that the heart could be rejected by his body, or that I had forgotten something, or, or—

 **Enough. Worrying about it isn't going to help. Kakashi** _ **and**_ **Zabuza supervised you. I'm sure if you made any major errors, they would have pointed them out. You have done what you could, so** _ **stop**_ **worrying about it.**

' _You're right. I—I don't deal well with stress.'_

I began to shove what I felt inside. I had always been damned good at repression, sometimes it simply took a bit longer than other times.

Naruto had gone to sit beside Haku (he would wake up after the bypass seal wore off), and I had no idea where Sasuke was. Zabuza was with Haku (asleep, last I saw, which was good since he was obviously still recovering) and Kakashi—

I had found Kakashi, actually.

He was on the roof of Tazuna's house, lazily leaning against the chimney as smoke curled up in the air. Tsunami was making a large meal in celebration of Wave's freedom from Gato.

I sat down beside Kakashi, my hands shaking and my heart still beating fast. Adrenaline was starting to leave my system, and I knew I would crash soon (and hopefully when I woke up, I would have successfully repressed all of my anxieties), but before I did I wanted to talk to him. "Um. Th-Thank you, Kakashi-sensei. Without you, I really wouldn't have been able to—I mean—I just—thank you."

Kakashi turned his head towards me, blessing me with an eye-smile. "Maa. Your intentions were good. It's not often our enemies can become our allies, and even less that we can save lives, and I'm not so cold-hearted as to make my student flounder on something clearly important to her."

"Th-Thank you," I mumbled, my eyes starting to burn and a shudder running through me.

Kakashi's eyes lingered on mine, then followed down to my cheek. He turned his gaze back towards the forest, not commenting. A heartbeat passed and he pulled out a small tattered cloth and handed it to me.

I gripped it tightly, shuddering out a choked back quiet cry.

"I heard about the men with gangrene," Kakashi said softly.

My back stiffened.

"I'm sorry."

Another shudder ran through me, that time out of grief.

I felt a hand rest on my head.

"Maa. I think I'll stay out here a while. The weather's nice."

"M-Mm-hmm."

* * *

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* * *

I woke up on my sleeping bag in the living area. It was either late morning, or early evening because dull light filtered through the window. Slowly, I sat up. I grimaced when I realized I was essentially caked in dry blood.

' _Ew. I need a shower, bad.'_

I reached over to my backpack and pulled out my spare change of clothes, heavy-duty and odorless body wash, and shampoo/conditioner. As I headed out, I peeked in on Haku. Naruto was chattering amiably in a one-sided conversation with Zabuza while Haku slept (seemingly peacefully). I was relieved that Haku seemed to be stable.

Moving quickly, I headed out towards the water by Tazuna's house and plunged inside, still clothed.

After my impromptu wash, I laid the drying clothes by the rocky shore, changed into my fresh clean clothes and headed back to Tazuna's. It was around noon when I arrived, to which I was greeted by a cheerful Tsunami who told me my team left to guard Tazuna while he finished work on the bridge.

* * *

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* * *

 **Kakashi's POV**

She had fallen asleep at his side, still covered in dried blood from trying to save Haku's life.

He had thought that Naruto would be the biggest handful on his team.

Kakashi was certainly surprised that it was the supposed Kunoichi of the Year that was the surprising. Her academy reports indicated that she had a passionate personality, but Kakashi wouldn't have thought that _that_ was they meant.

Everything— _everything_ —she did, she did so with a huge smile on her face and a kind of gleam in her eyes. The world was a bright, beautiful and amusing place for her to enjoy, and a part of Kakashi was jealous of that kind of optimism. Kakashi could never, would never, think so highly of the world no matter the age.

He contributed it towards her own naivete. She had never experienced real combat outside of academy, and was a genuine sheltered civilian girl. Unlike Naruto, or Sasuke, she had no reason to see the ugly truth.

That small jealous part of Kakashi wanted her to see the world for what it was; to take it _seriously_ because those who did not take it seriously enough suffered the most. He wanted her to learn quickly, and understand the brutal nature of their career, and that the world was _not_ as bright as she seemed to think it was.

The rest of him, though, wanted her to remain that kind of sunny opposition that he hadn't seen since Rin and Obito—

Since before Rin and Obito had seen the frontlines for the first time.

It was ridiculous, though. No one could keep that kind of _light_ inside of them after they experienced death first hand.

Then she laughed with glee at Zabuza, genuinely happy to watch the battle unfold. She had trusted Kakashi enough so that she had absolute faith in his ability to protect them from Zabuza, despite knowing exactly who Zabuza was.

That, and her self-preservation seemed to be missing.

He thought, then, that perhaps she simply didn't _understand_ death. Everyone had to have self-preservation, it was a basic human instinct, but maybe someone who didn't understand the fear of dying wouldn't.

But, she did understand death, or at least to a certain extent.

When she lost both of her patients after tying to amputate, she came home and cried quietly into her pillow. Her fellow teammates did not wake when she cried, but Kakashi did because he had been listening for it.

She cried well into the morning, then she got up, put that bright smile back on her face, and carried on.

Kakashi wondered if all her smiles were merely a mask for sadness, or if she sincerely still loved the world so much that she couldn't help _but_ smile.

He found out that it was a little bit of both.

He watched her carefully after that night, measuring each of her actions and reactions. He found that she was not the kind to dwell on _any_ kind of negativity. She strongly preferred not to deal with it all, and when confronted with it, her smile stretched so wide it almost hurt to look at.

But, that gleam in her eyes could not be faked. There were moments, when she thought no one was looking, and she looked over at Naruto, or himself, or Sasuke, or even now Zabuza and Haku, that her eyes _lit up._ There was a kind of fierce, burning, bright pure _love_ and _affection_ in them that Kakashi certainly had no idea where it came from.

The gaze was undeniable, though, that Sakura sincerely adored those around her with a ferocious fervor.

And upon realizing that, it was hard not to notice all the little things she did for them. The jokes and smiles that even pulled out a reaction from the otherwise emotionless Sasuke; or the tight hugs she would give to Naruto any time he seemed less-than-happy; or how she was the only one who woke Kakashi up (getting pinned a few more times in the process) and treated it like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Like he didn't have PTSD, and he never nearly killed her every morning.

She let out a soft sigh in her sleep, and Kakashi twisted around and carefully took the cloth he leant her. He folded it neatly, and pulled out his water canteen before he wet out a little. He wiped away the dried blood around her face, then put the cloth away. With ease, he stood up and picked her up with him and began to carry her towards her sleeping bag.

He didn't fully understand her, and he wondered if he ever would.

He knew some things, though.

And he knew the most important thing about her.

She was the kind of girl that would love, and love, even as the whole world crumbled around her, with a smile that stretched a so wide it hurt to look at.

* * *

 _HAHA. I MADE THEM LIVE. HAHAHAHA. FUCK PLOT. I DO WHAT I WANT. *Blasts some vocaloid music while cartwheeling*_

 _There is no way in hell that Zabuza and Kakashi do not have extensive anatomy knowledge. Trained assassins gotta know where to hit to make it hurt, and after the trauma Kakashi experienced I refuse to believe that he chose to not to learn any life-saving emergency first aid. Na-uh. No way._

 _ **Answer:**_ _I dance to everything but redneck country. Ever since I was little when I hear Thousand Miles I friggin lose it in the car. Like the biggest dork ever._

 _ **Question:**_ _Who would you like to have as your private tutor? ;)_

 _Reviews are_ _ **love**_ _._

 _ **Side note on Sakura's sexuality:**_ _Sakura will always be pansexual. I didn't write her more openly in her first story because I myself didn't feel ready to admit my own sexuality to my mom so I skirted the edges for quite a while. But, yes, this Sakura does not give two shits about gender. It's all about what's underneath for her (and asses, of course)._

 _This does mean that there will be females in the harem. There are, however, more men than women in the Narutoverse, so the harem will still be predominately male._


	7. Attempt One at Therapy-no-Jutsu

"Sometimes I wonder if I ever bought milk from the same cow twice."

-Anon

 **Disclaimer:** I, Darkpetal16, do not own Naruto.

 **Warning:** This is a feel good story. Realism takes a back seat.

 **Beta:** Un-beta'd. If you see any mistakes please let me know! Pretty please with chocolate on top.

 **Edited: 12/9/14**

 **Edit: 5/12/17**

* * *

My fingers trailed down the delicate stitches on Haku's chest. Haku was sitting up in his bed, an exorbitant amount of pillows behind and around him, as well as many flowers, fruit-baskets, and little knick-knacks. Naruto had advertised to the people of Wave that it was Zabuza who had personally slain the evil tyrant, which earned the missing-nin a big shiny pedestal to stand on above them. Not even a day later did they find out about his "precious" student, and in hopes of showing gratitude, the people showed up with many gifts for the duo.

It was left unsaid that not even a week ago Zabuza and Haku had been out for Tazuna's head.

"It looks like we're out of the woods," I finally said. Haku smiled warmly at me, and Zabuza let out a small gruffing noise to my right. The missing-nin had played nursemaid to his student the past couple of days, allowing me to nurse his own wounds in the process, as well. He, too, sat in a bed with many fluffy pillows propped around him. "No infection, and no signs of rejection. You'll have to be careful for a while longer, but I feel pretty confident that in a couple days I'll be able to heal the wound shut and we can take out the stitches."

"Thank you, Sakura-sensei," Haku politely said, a serene smile still on his face. "I owe you—"

I shushed him by smooshing his cheeks together so his lips puckered out. "I know. No need to say it anymore, Haku. You know exactly how to thank me, if you choose to."

Haku nodded his head, and I removed my hands. "Yes. I have thought it over, and I am very honored to be invited into your harem. I will gladly accept."

I squealed. "Fantastic! How about you, Zabuza?"

"I'm not joining some goddamn harem."

"So that's a yes?"

Zabuza gave me a withering glare. "You're going to act as though I'm part of you harem, regardless of what I actually say, aren't you?"

"Yes."

Zabuza let out a long sigh. "I don't care anymore. We're even by this, you annoying doctor-brat."

I squealed in delight again, moving over and throwing my arms around his neck. "Get off, you stupid—"

"Shut up and accept my love and affection," I ordered him as I started to nuzzle. "I love you guys."

"Die in a fire," Zabuza grouched, glaring balefully at the giggling Haku. He unhooked my arms around his neck and promptly shoved me away from him. I landed on my bum, still beside myself with happiness that I had successfully coerced two awesome people into my personal harem.

I stood back up, beaming at both of my patients. "I'll let you two get some more rest. If you need me, I'll be in town at the clinic."

"Of course, Sakura-sensei," Haku murmured. "Have a pleasant day."

"You, too, cutie."

* * *

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* * *

Since the two days of Gato's demise, the town had transformed. Everyone rallied together to finish the bridge (unfortunately Kakashi and Zabuza's battle had caused some structural damage to the bridge, which pushed its completion date back another week, despite having numerous workers helping out). All of Gato's previous thugs were rounded up by the villagers, and Naruto and Sasuke: each thrown into the makeshift prison, to be awaiting whatever justice the village decided to award them. Gato's mansion was ransacked and the money was distributed fairly evenly. A large sum of it went to Zabuza and Haku as thanks for killing him, and another large portion actually came to us. Tazuna insisted paying us for doing a proper job.

With the monopoly on Wave effectively destroyed, a few villagers sent out invitations to merchants to come to Wave in hopes of reestablishing a healthy economy.

The village itself had an optimistic and cheerful atmosphere, with everyone frantically trying to repair what they could in hopes of enticing more merchants and other necessities.

I was given Kakashi's permission to resume my post as their doctor, and much to my surprise (and utter joy) he actually had Pakkun sit with me. It would turn out that Pakkun had learned anatomy _with_ Kakashi, and was damn good at sniffing out infections.

Not to mention I sincerely felt better having someone else supervise my work. Especially someone so unbelievably adorable and who would reward me for doing a good job by letting me squeeze his paws.

Naruto and Sasuke still alternated guarding Tazuna. I wasn't sure what Sasuke did when he wasn't on guard duty, but I knew that Naruto helped around the village however he could when he wasn't on guard duty.

Kakashi was another mystery. I would wake him each morning, examine him, and after giving my okay (I knew very well that he was only humoring me, and we both knew that he didn't need my permission to do anything) he left. Where to, I hadn't a clue, but Pakkun was able to alert him if there was any kind of emergency, so I wasn't concerned too much about it.

The clinic had been one of the first things the villagers had fixed up for me, and I had many wonderful people offer me their assistance whenever I needed it.

One of the women actually made me another doctor's coat since my previous one had been ruined by the failed attempt to save those two men.

I had my haired pushed back with my hitai-ate in order to keep the bangs out of my face. My hands worked quickly as I sutured a boy no older than myself. He had slipped on the rocks by the dock and split open his calf. It was deep enough to require stitches, but it didn't sever anything too important, or cause enough damage to warrant using my Shōsen. Instead, I numbed the area and began my stitches.

The boy watched me work with transfixed eyes, his friends flanking either side of him.

"You're gonna have to tell your kaa-chan," I told him, neatly pressing the flabs of skin together while I worked.

His face screwed up in obvious distaste, while the other boys snickered at him. "Can't you make it like it never happened, Sensei?"

"It's healthier to allow your body to regrow at its natural rate," I told him. "The wound isn't severe enough to warrant any more chakra aside from numbing. It won't even scar."

He whined. "What? That's so lame! All this, and not only am I going to be killed by kaa-san, but I'm not even going to get a _scar_ out of it?"

"If you want a scar so bad, just play with fire," I told him.

Pakkun wheezed out a laugh. "What kind of doctor tells her patient to play with fire."

"Only the best kind, of course," I told him flippantly. "There we go. Let me write you up a note so your kaa-chan knows how to take care of you."

One of his friends sniggered. "Yeah. Wouldn't want him to get too much worse after she blisters his butt."

That got a groan from my patient, and a snicker from the other friend. I reached over, pausing in my rapid writing, and sympathetically patted my patient. "After your spanking, be sure to ice your bum bum."

"Hai, hai, Sensei," the trio chorused.

"On your way out, please send in my next patient."

They all gave varying degrees of affirmation as they left.

I popped my knuckles and stretched out in my creaky chair. The clinic was small, and I was only using one tiny room to take care of patients. It smelled musty, was almost entirely made of wood, and the floorboards were heavily stained.

I loved it.

As the next patient entered the room, I reached over and picked up Pakkun and began to nuzzle the top of his head. "Cutest puppy ever."

Pakkun accepted my love like the cute badass he was.

"Good afternoon, Sensei," greeted a beautiful young woman. She brushed back her long green hair and sat down on the bed.

"Happy Caturday, Nee-san," I returned, smiling brightly at her. "How can I help such a pretty lady today?"

She blushed. "I, um, I'm late."

"Oh," I wittily responded, reaching over and placing a hand over her lower abdomen. A heartbeat passed and I pulled back. "Congratulations, Nee-san."

Her eyes lit up and she let out a quiet gasp. "So I'm…?"

I nodded my head. "You have a second chakra network developing inside of you. Um. Let me consult my book and I can give you a due date, if you'd like."

She nodded her head enthusiastically. "This is so wonderful! Yuri-chan will be so happy."

"Congratulations again," I repeated, standing up and putting Pakkun in my seat. I headed over to my backpack and rummaged through to try and find my book on the reproductive system. "Ah, there it is."

That was how my days went by for the remainder of our time in Wave. I would make my rounds on our team, including Zabuza and Haku, then I would spend the rest of my time at the clinic tending to whoever needed care. There were a couple more cases that required more expert hands than my own, but for the most part I was able to work independently with Pakkun supervising.

The day we were about to leave was the day that Haku was able to leave his bed.

All of us had gathered at the end of the bridge with quite the send off.

Some of the younger children had woven a beautiful flower crown for me after I fixed their kaa-chan and tou-chan _boo-boos_. On the day of our departure, they had woven a fresh one for me that I wore proudly.

It seemed like the entire village had gathered to send us off, with Zabuza and Haku right at the front (Haku was leaning on a single crutch—he was on severely strict orders to rest as much as possible. I would have put him in a wheelchair if I could).

Kakashi stood the furthest away from our group, his hands in his pocket. Naruto and I easily and happily lapped up the attention, while Sasuke seemed more inclined to inching further and further away from the crowd of people.

"We owe a lot to you," Tazuna said loudly, instilling a hush over the crowd. "Not only did you protect and help make this bridge, but through your efforts this village's greatest and longest nightmare is finally over."

This caused a round of cheering and thunderous stomping behind him.

Tazuna lifted his hand for silence again, smiling widely. "You helped us, healed our sick, and took care of us. Without you, none of this would be possible. Without you, we wouldn't have hope. Thank you, shinobi of Konoha. In a gesture of our appreciation we decided to name the bridge… Seven's Hope, so we may never forget the hope Team Seven has brought us."

The crowd roared its approval. I took Naruto's hand and in perfect synch the two of us bowed to the crowd. "Thank you, thank you very much."

"Maa, maa," Kakashi said placing a hand on the top of each of our heads. "We should be heading out. I want to reach Konoha before it gets dark."

"Woo-hoo! Wait until Jiji hears about this," Naruto boasted, hopping from one foot to the other in excitement.

I winked at Haku and Zabuza. "Don't miss me too much, you hot people, you."

Haku laughed quietly, while Zabuza sneered at me. Haku hobbled towards us, an incredibly attractive smile on his face. "Thank you all for what you have done. I'm certain we will meet again one day, and I look forward to that day."

"Oh, stop it," I said, lightly hitting his shoulder. "You're gonna make me blush with that kind of talk."

A spark of amusement entered his eyes and faster than what I could process, he placed a warm kiss on my cheek.

Naruto let out a gasp of sheer horror, while I got many catcalls from the crowd.

A blush rose up to my cheeks. "You can do that again."

Haku laughed. "I wouldn't want to keep you. Have a safe trip, Sakura-chan."

I sighed. "Just got my harem started up and I already have to abandon members for a while. Kakashi-sensei, I need a comfort hug."

"You already had your hug for the day," Kakashi said patiently. "You'll have to wait until tomorrow."

I whined.

Sasuke sighed. "Can we leave now?"

* * *

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* * *

"And we're back," I said as we entered the gates of Konoha. My hand moved on its own and grabbed Kakashi's. "It's dark and scary at night. Walk me home, please?"

"Nope," Kakashi said cheerfully, yanking his hand out of my own like it was on fire. "Report to the Hokage's tower at oh-six-hundred tomorrow to give your reports. Later, minions."

"I'll walk you home," Naruto offered happily after Kakashi disappeared in a puff of smoke.

I beamed. "Excellent." I held out my arm. "This will give you good practice for when you're dating your future wife."

Naruto hooked his arm through mine. "Who's that?"

I patted his arm. "The same girl who currently has a crush on you."

Naruto gasped. "Someone has a crush on me?"

"Yes. And if you prove that you're mature enough to be a good boyfriend, I'll tell you who. This girl has had a crush on you since the first year of the academy. She believes you'll make the best Hokage, ever, even."

"She's sounds perfect," Naruto whispered in awe.

"She is," I agreed. "Now walk me home like the gentleman I know you are deep down inside."

"Yes, ma'am!"

* * *

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* * *

I entered the kitchen around five the next morning, greeted by the smell of pork and eggs. Sakura's mother, er, Kaa-chan was making an omelet. She beamed when she saw me enter. "Good morning, Sa-chan! I have big breakfast ready for you."

"Extra meat?" I asked hopefully.

"Extra pork," Kaa-chan promised.

It was a little weird associating the word _mother_ with a woman I didn't really know (I had maybe a quarter of Sakura's memories, and I was still relatively detached from them). Mother was distant, and viewed me more as a pet for her project, rather than an actual daughter. Not that I was complaining, of course. I had shelter, food, and she was a firm believer in buying people's' affection, so I had an impressive collection of materialistic items. Father went AWOL from his center, and I hadn't seen him in over a decade.

Sakura's kaa-chan, though, was very warm and prone to physical affection. So was her tou-chan, and pretty much her entire family. They were prone to using their fists, too, when angered, but never out of malice.

I sat down at the worn wooden table, and Kaa-chan placed a bowl of steaming eggs, pork, cheese, and veggies in front of me. She then poured me a glass of fresh lemonade (because the woman was a dedicated gardener and nurtured two cherry blossom trees, and three lemon trees) before she sat down beside me, a happy smile on her face. "Tell me more about your mission."

In between wolfing down the delicious food and chugging the lemonade, I told her everything that happened on the mission. I left out the part where I failed to save the men with gangrene because that shit was depressing, and no one wanted to hear about depressing shit (unless they were in an angsty mood, which we certainly were not).

She oo'd and aw'd and squealed happily at all the right parts. Since I had come home so late last night she and Tou-chan didn't push for more than brief assurances that I was okay and everything went okay.

"How exciting," Kaa-chan sighed. "What a romantic life you lead. Are you happy, little flower?"

"Of course I am," I told her. "Are you?"

"Mn! I'm very happy for you. Ah, let's not tell Tou-chan about Haku, though, ne?"

That made me snigger.

A companionable silence filled the homey kitchen while I continued to eat and Kaa-chan pulled out her crochet supplies. When I was finished eating, she asked, "Would you like more?"

"I'm full enough," I reassured her. "After the debriefing, I'm going to try and train with Hina-chan today."  
"Training Ground Five, right?"

"Right."

She smiled brightly. "Okay. Be sure to tell her, and your teammates, they're welcome to come over for lunch or dinner."

"I will," I promised. After a brief hesitation, I bent down and kissed her forehead. "Bye-bye."

"Have fun, Sa-chan!"

* * *

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* * *

Team Seven gathered at the entrance to the Hokage's tower at exactly six hundred. Kakashi appeared in a whirl of leaves right on the dot, his favorite book nowhere in sight. With an excited giggle, I threw myself at my favorite sensei, using up by alloted physical contact of the day for a tight hug. When I began to nuzzle into him, Kakashi decided I had had my fun and began the process of prying me off him.

I allowed him to do so, letting out a reluctant sigh. "One day you will crave my hugs. Mark my words."

"I very much doubt that," Kakashi responded dubiously. "Okay, team, let's head inside. Have you all finished writing your reports?"

"I even drew pictures," Naruto exclaimed, holding out his crumpled papers. A quick glance from them made me whistle of appreciation. The prankster was a better artist than me.

"I'm sure Hokage-sama will be happy to look at your pictures," Kakashi responded, and I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic, or sincerely believed that the Hokage's notorious soft spot for Naruto would cause him to enjoy the pictures.

"What are we doing after we give the report?" Sasuke asked as Kakashi began to herd us inside. I purposely stopped short right before him in hopes he would bump into me, but the ex-ANBU saw that coming and was prodding my back with the blunt end of a kunai. I pouted at him.

Kakashi pushed the kunai further in, forcing me to keep up with his pace, and stay a good arm's-length in front of him. "I'm not sure. Protocol would dictate that any time a mission escalates a rank, the team is required to take a three day resting period, minimum. Given that none of us were seriously injured, and had time to rest up the following week, it may be possible the Hokage will waive the rule for us."

"If he does waive it, what will we do?" I asked, smiling brightly. "Can we train together more? I wanna learn a ninjutsu! Genjutsu would be okay, too, I guess. Oh, _oh_ , and I wanna learn kenjutsu, and, and—"

"We'll see," Kakashi interrupted. "Ah, Sakura-chan? You know how to act in front of the Hokage, right?"

I morphed my face into an innocent expression. "Whatever do you mean, Kakashi-sensei? I would treat Hokage-sama like all my superiors."

"... You understand that I am _technically_ your superior, right?" Kakashi asked slowly.

I purred. "You can be whatever you wanna be, baby."

"Okay," Kakashi said loudly, "Sakura-chan, no talking, please."  
Naruto sniggered at my betrayed look, while Sasuke turned his head to hide his smirk.

We had reached the Hokage's office

* * *

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* * *

I remained quiet as my teammates gave detailed reports of the mission. Naruto even turned to specific pictures in his report to show the Hokage. Hiruzen interrupted a few times to ask some pointed questions (and when it was first mentioned that Kakashi allowed us to carry on with an A-Rank mission, Hiruzen gave a very pointed look towards the ex-ANBU Captain. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that the grandfather had even leaked some killing intent towards Kakashi, but that couldn't be the case, could it?).

"And what is your take on the mission, Sakura-san?" Hiruzen inquired. "You have been largely silent."

I felt my teammates stiffen around me, and I smiled widely. "Pretty great! I got my harem started up."

Amusement entered the Hokage's eyes, as I felt Sasuke sigh and Naruto try to cover his laughter. "Did you now?"

"Yes," I confirmed happily. "I have every intention of being the next Mega Super Pervert, you know!"

"You know, I trained the original Mega Super Pervert," Hiruzen told me, seeming to find my excitement humorous.

"Oh, I know," I assured him. "Jiraiya-sama is amazing. I wish I could read his works, but apparently," I turned and shot a glare at Kakashi, "I'm too young and _someone_ won't buy them for me."

"The dilemma of age," Hiruzen uttered. "Truly, what a shame. I'm surprised no one has told you, though, that those of Chūnin rank and above are considered legal adults in Konoha's eyes, and as such you would legally be allowed to purchase those books once you become a Chūnin."

I gasped in the same moment Sasuke moaned, Naruto couldn't hide his laughter anymore, and Kakashi whispered despairingly, " _Why would you tell her that_?"

"I am _so_ going to become a Chūnin," I declared, my next goal set before me. "And then I shall have an Icha Icha fest, and use all the pick-up lines learned from it on Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi buried his face in his hands.

Hiruzen chuckled. "I'm quite glad to hear that, and I look forward to watching you succeed."

"Succeed in becoming a Chūnin?"

"That, too," Hiruzen agreed.

I felt Kakashi twitch behind me and the veteran cleared his throat. "Do you have any further questions for us, Hokage-sama?"

"So will Kakashi be part of your har—"

" _Relevant_ ," Kakashi pleaded. "Any _relevant_ questions, Hokage-sama, please?"

I leaned forward and whispered to Hiruzen, "I think we're making the poor dear uncomfortable."

"It would appear so," Hiruzen murmured, sighing. "I have no further," Hiruzen sniffed, " _relevant_ questions for your team. Take the standard three days off, collect your mission pay, and report back here for your next mission."

We saluted.

"Dismissed, except for Kakashi. Naruto-kun, Sasuke-san, and Sakura-kun, have a pleasant day."

The three of us shuffled out of the office, and it clicked shut behind us.

"Now what?" Naruto asked.

"I'm going to wait for Kakashi-sensei," I decided. "I have a few hours before I have to meet up with Hina-chan to train, anyway."

"I'm going to train," Sasuke said slowly.

"Then I guess—"

"Hey," I interrupted, "you two should train together. And learn, like, water-walking."

"What?" Naruto asked.

"Water walking. You know how Zabuza was able to stand on the water? And remember the tree exercise? Water walking is doing the tree exercise, except on water. It's the next level to chakra control. And you two seem to do better when you're competing with one another. So, I say you two should go down to our training grounds and go practice water walking."

The two boys exchanged glances, both looking reluctant.

"I'll bring you guys homemade lunch before I train with Hina-chan," I bribed.

"Okay," Naruto decided, nodding his head. "I guess I can work with the bastard long enough for lunch."

Sasuke shrugged. "I suppose ravioli is acceptable for lunch if I have to train with this idiot."

"Consider it done," I promised. The two boys looked at each other once more, before they began to head off. Not even a minute into their travel, and I could already hear them bicker. The familiar noise made me feel a bit nostalgic. I sat down on the rough carpet, leaning against the closed door. I shifted so my backpack was in my lap, and I opened it to pull out my next sewing project.

A solid half an hour passed by in relative silence before the door opened behind me and I fell into the office and onto Kakashi's feet.

Kakashi looked down at me, and I smiled up at him. "Hello."

Kakashi rubbed at the back of his head. "Did you wait for me?"

"Of course I did," I told him, surprised he seemed sincerely stunned. "I love you. Why wouldn't I wait for you?"

The fact that I waited for him must have really thrown him for a loop, because Kakashi's visible eye widened marginally and he stiffened considerably. "Uh—right—then—make sure you, um, train, and we'll, _um_ , meet up again after our, uh, uh, vacation is over. Bye."

Then he was gone, and I heard Hiruzen's wheezing laughter from the office. Still laying on the floor, I raised my hands in a greeting to our Hokage and waved them around excitedly. "Hi, Hokage-sama!"

"Hello, Sakura-chan," Hiruzen chuckled.

* * *

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* * *

Hinata's eyes were wide with astonishment and a little bit of awe. "That sounds s-so amazing, Sakura-chan. Our C-Rank wasn't a-anywhere near as… as… _daring_."

I beamed at my dear friend. "It was definitely fun! How have you been, though? Done any more training?"

Hinata nodded her head hesitantly. "I, um, I've been practicing releasing tenketsu blocks like you said. I'm n-not very good—"

I smoooshed her cheeks together so she couldn't finish what she was saying. "You are a brilliant kunoichi. Say it with me. I am a brilliant kunoichi."

"I am ah bwiwian' ku-kunowichi."

With a smile, I released her. "Good. Keep practicing until you can release the blocks without using your hands. Trust me. You're gonna need this skill for later."

"Okay," Hinata murmured agreeably. "U-Um, Sakura-chan?"

"Yes, dear?"

"My… Tou-sama r-requested to m-meet with you. Um."

I cocked my head. "Okay. When does he want to meet?"

"H-He didn't specify."

"Hmm. Okay, we'll end training a bit earlier today and then I'll go meet him," I decided. "With that settled, let's get started. I wanna be hella strong for the upcoming Exams." Hinata giggled while I began to flex my biceps. "Look at these guns! Show me your guns Hina-chan."

Still giggling, she held out her arm for me to squeeze her biceps. She was already a fairly fit girl at the start of training, but under Iruka's advised regime there was a noticeable difference. She was leaner and more toned, not to mention her hands were thoroughly calloused; enough so that she didn't have to typically wear gauze after our sessions anymore.

The difference for me at the start of training was astronomical. Sakura had been starving her body of necessary nutrients in her misguided attempts to look pretty, and she did not work out in the slightest outside of the required academy hours. The drastic change in routine did wonders for the growing body. I had proper fat, and muscles now!

I felt immensely proud of myself for the transformation. Hinata and I had reached a milestone in our physical development and it warranted a little self-praise and ego-grooming. It also signified that we would be able to take our training to the next level.

"Tomorrow," I told her, still poking at her arms (it seemed she was a little ticklish and her giggles were so contagious and delightful, I couldn't resist), "we shall pick out training weights since we're now properly strong enough that we won't damage our muscles by using them."

I stopped tickling the princess long enough for to catch her breath. She was wheezing, curled up in the fetal position with a happy smile on her face. "O-O-Okay."

With energy that would put an Uzumaki to shame, I leapt up and clapped my hands together. "Alright! Let's do some hardcore sparring now."

Hinata rolled onto her back, a gleam in her eyes. "I promise not to bl-block your tenketsus."

I bowed, offering my hand out to her. "I thank you for your kindness, milady."

With mock grace she took my hand and stood back up, brushing off the dirt on her clothes and readjusting them. "O-On the count of three?"

I beamed. "One, two, three!"

We leapt at each other, determined smiles on our faces.

* * *

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* * *

"Owie, owie, owie," I whined as Hinata slowly stitched my left arm closed. Hinata's chakra control was superb enough that she could learn the Shōsen and become an iryo-nin, but she chose not to because she honestly wanted to become an accomplished front-line fighter and focus on her clan techniques. I personally thought she would have made a rockin' iryo-nin (and we could have been the duo sexy doctor/nurse which would have been _awesome_ ), but I wasn't going to pressure her into changing her mind. She got enough discouragement everywhere else, I would never add on to that.

That being said, I did insist that she had some basic first aid training, including emergency sutures and amputations.

During our spar we had both nicked the other plenty with our kunai. While I could heal up our injuries no problem with Shōsen, I chose not to in order to give Hinata hands-on experience with stitching. I didn't want to numb the area either, so I could immediately tell her if she was doing something incorrectly, or if she accidentally punctured something that should have been left alone.

"S-Sorry," Hinata apologized.

"Don't be sorry," I told her. "I'm just being a crabby patient. You really got me good."

"Sorry," Hinata apologized again.

With one hand I smooshed her cheeks together, causing her to pause in her work. "Never apologize for being good at something, silly. I'm proud of you for what you did here today."

I felt her face warm underneath my hand, and when I withdrew it I saw a pleasant flush on her cheeks. I smiled warmly at her, and she returned it with one of her own. Comfortable silence fell between us as she worked on stitching me up, then dressing my wounds. I had a fair amount of gauze covering my body at that point. My entire upper right arm, my entire left arm, my right calf, stomach, both feet, and hands, and even some wrapped around my head.

My black training capri pants were torn at the edges, and I had a gash through my midsection, tearing open my red cammie.

Hinata was equally as battered and covered in gauze as I was.

When we were both all doctored up, the sun had just started its descent over the horizon. I stood up, wincing at the sensation and said, "Alright, let's go meet with your tou-chan."

Hinata looked up and down at me, an eyebrow raised.

"Either we meet him like this, or I go to him in a bathrobe first thing tomorrow morning."

She covered her mouth in a useless attempt to hide her smile. "I-I, um, suppose then that it would be, ah, best to meet with him now."

I offered her my arm, and she took it daintily. "Right you are, milady. Right you are."

* * *

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* * *

Gingerly, I took a seat across from Hiashi. I winced as I felt the stitches stretch across my arm and abdomen. Hiashi watched me with a focused gaze, his face a perfect mask of apathy. Hinata fidgeted beside me, her gaze steadily looking down.

My eyes roamed across the pristine office, taking in how everything was meticulously organized and if I didn't know any better, I would say that no one had used it for years.

It looked detached, and entirely without life.

' _Reminds me of home,_ ' I briefly thought. "I'm thirsty."

Hinata's back stiffened. "Um, I can go get—"

"Please provide our guest with some refreshments, Hinata," Hiashi said softly.

Hinata nodded jerkily before she left quickly.

As soon as she left, I glared at Hiashi. "You outta be ashamed of yourself."

"Excuse me?" Hiashi's eyes narrowed.

"What kind of father psychologically harasses and hurts his own daughter?" I demanded. "No wonder people think the Hyūga have stick up their asses and think they're the next fucking Uchiha: their own Clan Head treats his own daughter like a piece of shit!"

Hiashi's cheeks flushed in anger and he hissed, "You have no—"

I leaned forward and put both my hands on his desk, entirely nonplussed. "I don't care if you're socially awkward with children, or if your own father treated you like this. You're smart enough to know that your disinterest, disapproval and all around _jackassery_ is debilitating to Hina-chan. Yet you still do it anyway!"

" _You have no right_ ," Hiashi thundered, a vicious glower on his face. Killing intent poured from him, but it didn't even phase me.

"I have every right," I snarled back. "I see first hand the kind of damage _you_ caused her. She's not some _toy_ for you to toss aside because she doesn't meet your _pathetic_ standards. Humans are not _things_ that conform to ideals. Each human is different. You can't expect Hina-chan to learn and grow in the same kind of way you and your brother did, can you?!

"No. you absolutely cannot! This whole village formed with the idea of providing children the ability to grow in a _nurturing_ and _safe_ environment. Yet you spit on that ideal every time you treat your own daughter like garbage because of some arbitrary and fucking stupid ideals—ideals that are _hella_ outdated! If you keep up with your fucking _child abuse_ you're going to lose her. You're going to lose Hina-chan in a way that you will _never_ get her back. So you better get your shit straight, and start acting like the proper tou-chan that she _deserves_ , or you'll find yourself dealing with me again. And I promise your underwear will _never_ feel safe again," I snarled. "I will devote every waking moment of my life to making your life as miserable as you have made her's. _I swear_."

Hiashi's body trembled with restrained anger and the venom in his following words was impressive. "Get out."

"Gladly," I snapped. I stood up, threw open the door and found myself face to face none other than a gob-smacked team ten, along with an extremely uncomfortable looking Gai.

I nodded to them, then brushed passed them and to a positively petrified Hinata. I smiled at her and blew her a kiss. "Take care, dearie. I'll be by tomorrow to pick you up for training."

"B-B-B-B-B," Hinata squeaked.

With a spring in my step, I left the Hyūga compound.

' _I'm in the mood for some ice-cream.'_

 **Oo. Yes.**

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

"I'm here to pick Hina-chan up for training," I chirped to the Hyūga guards.

They both exchanged glances before one of them left. Three minutes passed by for Hiashi appeared at the front gate, his gaze hard. "Haruno."

"Hina-chan's tou-chan," I greeted coolly.

Hiashi eyed me for several moments before he tilted his head, beckoning me to follow him. Cautiously, I did so. He took me through the compound to a small, well-hidden garden in a courtyard. There were lemon trees, an abundance of flowers and rows of vegetables, each lovingly labelled. Hiashi took a seat on the porch, gesturing for me to sit beside him.

Dubiously, I did so.

"Since you chose to speak so plainly last night, I will grant you the same favor. I am torn between demanding compensation for your lack of civility, and desiring to keep my original purpose of wanting to meet with you." Hiashi paused. "I love my children. Do not ever, _ever_ claim otherwise."

I resisted the urge to snort at that.

"However," Hiashi continued, a strained look briefly crossing over his face, "I _understand_ how someone on the outside would perceive it to be otherwise."

"Why?" I asked. "Why do you treat her like such if you actually love her?"

"My late wife, Hisana, made this garden," Hiashi said quietly. "She passed away shortly after Hanabi was born. She was killed in action—she let her guard down, was tricked by the enemy. She was too gentle to be a kunoichi, and that kindness lead her to—"

"So now you punish your daughter in hopes of, what? Hardening her?"  
"Hinata is too gentle to be a kunoichi. I do not want her to be a kunoichi at all."

"That's complete bullshit," I told him. "Hinata's way stronger than you think her to be. She's kind, and despite putting up with you apparently passive aggressively trying to destroy her dreams, she's still tried her hardest. She hasn't given up despite her own tou-chan treating her like garbage. She hasn't stopped _loving you_ despite you being a complete jerk to her. That takes a special kind of strength to do that—a special kind of strength in order to forgive something like that. She's strong. Stronger than you and I could ever be."

"It would be best if she wasn't a kunoichi at all," Hiashi said softly.

"It would be best if she was loved by her tou-chan regardless of her choices," I retorted.

"You—"

"Tell this stuff to her. Treat her like Hisana would have treated her. She doesn't have a kaa-chan anymore, and right now she doesn't have a proper tou-chan."

He glanced at me. "What would a _proper_ tou-san do, then?"  
"Ask about her day," I said quietly. "Attend one of our training sessions, and don't focus on her mistakes. Praise what she does right." I lifted up my shirt and presented him with my large gash. "She did this to me. When she's not scared shitless, or feel like she's being poorly judged, she flourishes. She's damn good, Hiashi-san. Show her that you know she's good."

Hiashi let out a long sigh. "The reason I asked to meet with you in the first place is because of the change you brought to her. I never thought I would—" Hiashi caught himself. "What you did was inappropriate, and incredibly rude. If you have an issue with me, it should be dealt with privately, not in public."

I was about to retort, when he raised his hand. "That being said, I do understand why you lost your temper. You clearly care a great deal for my daughter, and you are at an emotional age that without proper training you cannot be expected to be in full control of your actions. All you saw was your friend being… _mistreated_ , and you acted on the knowledge that you had."

Frowning, I decided not to tell him that I had planned for my outburst for quite some time in hopes of Therapy-no-Jutsu'ng him. If I had kept it private, I felt like Hiashi would not have taken my concerns as seriously as having an audience. I also wanted to hurt him, at least a little bit, as much as he hurted Hinata.

Frankly, I still planned on some kind of vengeance on her behalf, but not for a while. It would be too obvious that I had done it if I acted so soon after my outburst.

"I get that you're," I hesitated, " _traumatized_ from the loss of your wife, but Hina-chan isn't Hisana. She's your _daughter_ , and she needs a _tou-chan._ Is it really so much to ask of you to be that for her? She's not going to give up on her dreams. You've clearly tried for years to convince her otherwise, you honestly think it'll change now?"

"No," Hiashi admitted softly. "After seeing the changes brought to her by encouragement, I have been forced to reconsider many things. That being said, in regards to your…"

"I'll apologize if you come to our training session today," I told him. "See for yourself what being positive can do for her."

Hiashi's lips twitched. "Very well."

I paused. "You should probably try to stay hidden at the start, though. If she knew you were watching she'd probably get all nervous."

"That seems likely."

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

I watched the shy Hinata smile at her father, and Hiashi award her with the faintest smile of his own. The two were headed home after our training session, both looking a lot happier than I had ever seen them.

Hiashi was ready to beg for Neji's forgiveness around this point. He only needed a bit more of a push to change for the better for Hinata. And now that he'd seen her be strong, seen the potential inside of her, he'd never only see a weak little girl. At least, that was what I hoped.

I had done my best to encourage the bright optimism and confidence I knew she had inside of her. I had done my best to fuel her dreams, and I had done my best to give her the strength she so desperately needed.

Not only to prepare her for the horror that was the Chūnin Exams, or for the upcoming Akatsuki / War, but because I sincerely believed she would be happier that way. She would be happiest with not only Naruto's acknowledgement, but her own family's, too.

I may not have been fond of Hiashi, but I understood her desire to be loved by her only living parent. And since that was what she wanted, I would do my best to provide it.

Besides, who knows what kind of influence having a positive atmosphere at home _and_ outside of home would do for her?

* * *

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* * *

I relished the feeling of blankets and warmth. The sun poured in through the window, and despite it being right in my eyes (I kept my blinds up and curtains pulled back), I simply did not want to get out of bed. Today I would go shopping with Hinata to pick out weights, and since Team Seven was still technically on leave, I had nowhere else to be aside from that.

It was decided by myself that I would spend the day being utterly lazy and resting up.

' _I am the blanket. The blanket is me.'_

My stomach growled like the traitor it was.

A moan escaped my lips.

Then my bladder told me it was time to get up, too.

' _Traitor. All of me.'_

 **Get up, lazy ass.**

With another groan, I rolled out of my body and flopped to the floor, taking the blankets with me. Still bundled up, I made my way to the bathroom, and then down into the kitchen.

Tou-chan looked up from his sudoku, his eyes gleaming. "Good morning, little flower."

"G'morning," I mumbled.

Kaa-chan entered the kitchen and kissed my cheek. "Good morning, love. Let me whip you up some breakfast."

"Please and thank you."

I sat beside Tou-chan, stifling a yawn. Tou-chan patted the top of my head. "Another busy day of training?"

"Probably," I admitted. "Tomorrow I'm supposed to meet up with my team so we can take our next mission."

Tou-chan nodded at that, then his bright green eyes lit up. "Oh, that reminds me. Your friend came by and wanted to give you this."

I blinked as Tou-chan hurried out of the kitchen before returning with a medium-sized box and a feminine note on top. He set both in my lap, and I carefully opened the note before reading it.

 _Sakura-chan,_

 _Tou-sama has decided to take an active role in my training once again. I know I have you to thank for that, and I cannot properly express my gratitude enough to convey how much it means to me. Thank you._

 _I'm sorry, however, that it means that we will not be able to train together for a while. I know we were both excited to begin our weight training, and go shopping together, so I hope you don't mind that I took the liberty of purchasing our weights. Let's both become strong kunoichi._

 _Sincerely yours,_

 _Hinata_

I re-read the overly formal note, wondering how embarrassed the cutie felt when writing that. The thought made my lips quirk upwards. I handed the note over to Kaa-chan, as I could feel her trying to read it over my shoulder. She squealed happily when she finished reading it before handing it Tou-chan.

' _I am surrounded by adorable people_ ,' I thought, resisting the urge to pinch both their cheeks. My gaze swung over to the white box, and I lifted the lid.

My mouth dropped open.

The weights were seal weights.

The single most expensive kind of weights one could buy. Standard weights were bulky and pretty obvious to the fact that they were weights. Seal weights were intricately embedded into a durable cloth-like material and transformed into things like small wristbands or akin.

There were four articles inside the box, each of them a deep red with a little pink flower in the center; two wristbands, and two for my ankles. Beside the articles were instructions, and a five year warranty (which would not have been cheap given our line of work).

With careful hands, I pulled each one out and examined it. "Holy smokes."

"What cute little wristbands," Kaa-chan exclaimed.

"They are cute," I agreed, not correcting her that they were more than simple wristbands. "Kaa-chan, would you mind packing me a lunch, and some snacks, too? I think I'll be a bit late out tonight."

"Okay, Sa-chan!"

* * *

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* * *

I meandered through the streets of Konoha, my arms and legs aching something fierce. The sun had long since set, and the roads had thinned out as the night wore on. I took my time making my way home.

Sometimes I was so amazed by everything I saw, and everything I felt.

It was miraculous—a dream come true, really—to have woken up in the Narutoverse, right at the heart of everything. I never thought such a thing could happen, and I found myself wondering exactly how it happened.

I would have considered it all to be part of one of my "episodes", but my episodes never lasted _this_ long, and they were a lot more wild than the relatively tame Narutoverse. At least, I didn't see any oozing walls, mountain of corpses, or sneering faces.

Konoha was exactly as warm and bright as I imagined it to be. People were generally friendly, and children ran about the streets entirely unsupervised. It was a very trusting environment, and I felt envious of all the children who were born and raised from the start there.

The smell of fried food caught my attention, and I decided to indulge a little from a food stand before heading home.

As I nibbled on the deliciousness, my legs and arms cursing at me for not immediately returning home to take a hot bath, I couldn't help but think: ' _I wish these kinds of days wouldn't end.'_

It was a shame, really.

But the clock kept ticking, and the Exams and Akatsuki drew nearer, with the War right at their heels.

As unavoidable as death.

That thought made me smile wryly.

' _As unavoidable as death, huh?'_

* * *

 _Why do we call Wave Wave, but the Leaf is still written as Konoha in most fanfics?_

 _Hiashi is an interesting fellow in the sense that Kishimoto made him one of the most contradicting characters in the manga. He starts off as a total hard-ass and general bad father, but then after seeing one teeny tiny Naruto fight with Neji he suddenly transforms into someone who begs for forgiveness and becomes a good father? Either the guy was ready to be a good father all the way through and was keeping up one hell of a mask for God knows what reasons and just needed one little push to break that mask, or the guy is contradiction personified._

 _For the sake of feel good story, I chose the former._

 _Next up: Chūnin Exams._

 _I might make it like Rotted Rowan and try to squeeze it down into just one really really long chapter, or two really really long chapters._

 _Speaking of which, gotta update RR again before I update this story._

 _ **Answer:** Kakuzu, ofc. He could teach me how to become rich, I bet. And money is the best super power._

 _ **Question:** What kind of pet would you want?_

 _Reviews are **love**!_


	8. Here's A Picture of Kakashi's Wedding!

_"Best advice I can give you on relations... make sure_ you're _the crazy one."_

 _-Anon_

 _Thank you very much for the many reviews. I hope my story continues to be satisfactory._

 _Okay, so I was planning on posting this chapter with the preliminary fights, but those fights were kicking my ass. I simply could not get motivated to write out all the fight scenes fast enough._

 _So I chose to break up the Chūnin Exams into 2 (maybe 3?) chapters. So here you go everyone._

 _ **Disclaimer:**_ _Naruto is Kishimoto's toy. I'm just playing with it._

 _ **Edit: 6/24/14**_

 ** _Edit: 6/6/17_**

* * *

"Good morning, my lovelies," I greeted Naruto and Sasuke. Kakashi had told our team last night to meet him on the Unmei (literally meaning fate) Bridge that day. He said we would be taking a break from training, and moving onto something more exciting.

Naruto grinned widely upon seeing me, rushing over and throwing his arms around my neck. I hugged him back, equally enthusiastic. I had successfully conditioned Naruto to crave my hugs (not that it was hard, the poor darling was already so starved for attention). "Good morning, Sakura-chan!"

I patted his back as Naruto released me, hopping from one foot to the other in anticipation. "Kaa-chan actually made our lunches today. She wanted me to give you some dinner, too, Naru-chan."

Naruto's eyes lit up like fireworks and he grabbed the two extremely large bento boxes from me. Sasuke gently (in comparison to Naruto, at least) took his own lunch with a quiet thank you. Naruto said, "I promise I'll stop by this weekend to return the boxes!"

"Much appreciated," I said.

Sasuke, in turn, handed me his previous bento box.

The team didn't always eat together. For the past couple of weeks Kakashi alternated between a full day's worth of training, or doing a few D-Rank missions for half a day. On half days, sometimes the three of us stayed to train (which required _much_ bribing on my part to convince Sasuke to stay), or go off on our own. I had hoped for a chance to train with Hinata again, but the two of us kept missing our chances. She sometimes stopped by my home while I was away to drop off little letters (to assure me she was okay and to encourage me not to steal her tou-chan's underwear) and small gifts (such as homemade balms), but otherwise than that we hadn't had much interaction.

Naruto and Sasuke had mastered water-walking within about three and a half days of practicing. On the days that we trained together, I encouraged them to spar with me while water-walking. Both boys preferred sparring over any other kind of training, and sparring while water-walking was one of the best ways to learn how to unconsciously use the technique (which was a vital skill).

Kakashi appeared before us, his right arm lifting up as he accurately predicted my tackle hug. I glomped onto Kakashi, throwing enough weight into my take off, he stumbled back. I wrapped my legs and arms around him, burying my face in his the crook of his neck. Kakashi shifted his posture, readjusting me slightly so he could see the two boys.

"Good morning my precious minions," Kakashi greeted us.

"Morning, Sensei!" Naruto exclaimed.

I nuzzled. "Good morning, my love."

"What are we doing today?" Sasuke asked.

Kakashi rubbed my back, quietly signalling for me to let him go. With much reluctance, I began to slowly release my hold. First I unhooked my legs, then after one last nuzzle, I stopped hugging him.

Instead of burying my face in his neck, though, I moved on to keep it firmly pressed into his chest, with my arms tucked behind me (so he could still see my hands).

There was a heartbeat of silence, as Kakashi seemed to be deciding what to do with me, before I felt him shrug, then he said, "I actually have a surprise for the three of you. I've enlisted you all in the Chūnin Exams—"

" _Yatta!_ " Naruto shouted, leaping up and down. "You're the best Kaka-sensei!"

Kakashi scratched at the back of his head with one hand, and with his other hand he presented us with three slips of papers. I lifted my head up long enough to grab one of the papers, before I went right on back to admiring the amazingness of Kakashi as up close and personal as I could.

"You don't have to enter if you don't want to," Kakashi said, ignoring the snorts from Sasuke and myself, "but if you do choose to enter, be sure to go to that location on the form at fourteen hundred tomorrow. The Exams are difficult, more so than anything you guys have ever faced, so don't feel ashamed if—"

"I'm getting my _Icha Icha_ ," I whispered into his chest.

"You cannot throw yourself into a dangerous situation for the sake of good porn," Kakashi patiently told me.

"I wouldn't need to if you bought the collector's edition set for me."

"Oh, it's the _collector's edition_ now?"

"You have it! Therefore I must have it, too," I explained. "How else can I use the pick up lines that apparently turn you on?"

Kakashi shook his head. "I don't get turned on—" Naruto and Sasuke snorted loudly at that, at which Kakashi glared at them. "I read it for the story, _really_."

"If it's such a good story why not let Sakura read it?" Sasuke questioned, cocking his head and folding his arms over his chest, bento still in hand. "It'll get her off your back long enough to read the stories."

Kakashi stared at him. "A few days worth of peace is not worth a _lifetime_ terror."

"I just wanna love you," I whined.

"Your definition of loving me is illegal right now."

"If loving someone with all their heart is illegal then throw me in prison forever," I cried out.

Kakashi patted my head, giving me his sexy eye smile. "I would if I could."

They all chuckled as I dropped to my knees from the sheer weight those cruel words forced upon me. While I tried to recover, Naruto asked Kakashi, "Is that all you wanted us for?"  
"Yep," Kakashi answered, making the p pop.

"Kakashi-sensei?" I asked sweetly, many ideas beginning to swarm inside my head.

"Yes, Sakura-chan?"

"The Chūnin Exams… in between Part One and Part Two, are there breaks?"

" _Technically_ no," Kakashi said, cocking his head. "The proctor may allow participants a breather, but legally speaking the Exams are continuous between the first two parts."

A Cheshire grin stretched across my face, as I realized my plan would indeed work.

Naruto turned to me. "Why do you ask?"

"You'll see," I purred.

"I would really rather not," Kakashi said.

And he was gone, and I was left crying on the inside at his lack of enthusiasm for my entirely epic plan(s).

Sasuke shook his head, turning to face me. I was slowly getting up, my heart now recovered from the love of my life's utter disinterest and rejection. "Sakura, were you able to be successful with those plants I gave you?"

A sheepish look crossed my face, and I cringed. The Uchiha Compound had a _massive_ garden that Sasuke hired Genin to take care of for him. I had a feeling that his father actually maintained the garden previously (from off handed comments) which _really_ surprised me, but it would explain why Sasuke didn't uproot any in favor of another training ground after the massacre.

The garden did not have flowers, or vegetables, but housed a variety of hallucinogenic, poisonous, and dangerous plants.

Apparently Sasuke's mother enjoyed coating her weapons in various poisons, and Sasuke's father started the garden in order to grow special poisons to _woo_ her. What a romantic!

Uchiha romance aside, the poisonous garden was something I was greatly interested in. It was difficult to find a fighting style to supplement my iryo training. As much as I wanted to be an in-your-face-frontline-fighter, as an iryo-nin, I had to be cautious. In all of Tsunade's books, she could not stress the importance of the iryo-nin staying alive and capable of healing his/her comrades. Besides, Team Seven already had two dedicated fighters who were powerhouses.

For the sake of team dynamics and being _smart_ , I chose not to be a frontline fighter, but to embrace my support role like the teamplayer I was.

That being said, there were not a lot of offensive techniques I could add to my arsenal. I wanted to learn genjutsu, but I needed an active volunteer to practice the skill on—something of which both boys were not up for no matter the bribery offered. Without the ability to practice genjutsu consistently, that was temporarily thrown out.

Next thought was ninjutsu, but Kakashi flat out rejected that idea because my chakra capacity was too low (which was steadily being rectified).

Then Naruto threw out the offhanded suggestion about poisons.

And it was like matchmade in heaven.

Poisons were versatile and were the perfect fit for any aspiring iryo-nin.

They were not easily learned, though. The only textbook on creating poisons available to someone of the Genin rank held no dangerous /easily useful recipes. The most extreme poison in it was a hallucinogenic that made people intensely intoxicated for a few minutes at most before wearing off. Upon being entered into the bloodstream, it acted instantaneously, but since it wore off so quickly it wasn't something to be relied upon. The book mostly contained various sedatives, and was more focused on identifying poisons and creating antidotes.

I was not deterred, though, and I was determined to acquire the skill. Even if the poisons in it were not practical in an obvious sense, learning how to make poisons would be vital if I ever wanted to create my own special brew.

So, I needed the equipment and materials to practice making the recipes.

Sasuke obliged providing the plants in exchange for food, rights to order me to be silent for an entire mission (which I forced him to already use all of his chances on our D-Ranks the past week). Naruto actually had a good chunk of the equipment (for his elaborate pranks, apparently), and the rest Kaa-chan bought for me.

"Uh," I hedged. "Technically yes? Um. I was able to make one batch of the hallucinogenic, and two sedatives."

Sasuke stared at me, a slow insufferable smirk crawling across his face. "Out of how many tries?"

I fidgeted. "... Thirty nine."

He chuckled at my obvious embarrassment, while Naruto consoled me. "They must have been really hard."

"It's chemistry," I mumbled. "A-And it's not like the recipe gives me step by step instructions! I, I, I had to do a lot of trial and error—and then, and then after the first explosion Kaa-chan made me work outside and the wind kept messing me up!"

"I'm sure," Sasuke condescendingly responded.

I stuck out my tongue at him.

Sasuke scoffed at me. "I'm heading out. I'll see you all tomorrow for the exams."

Naruto nodded his head enthusiastically. "Oh, yeah! I gotta get ready. See you guys tomorrow."

"Bye," I mumbled as the duo rushed off in opposite directions.

 **Weren't we supposed to meet Gaara today?**

' _Oh, yeah! Wait. How come we didn't? How did I change that?'_

For some reason the thought made me uneasy. I wasn't trying to actively change that encounter, yet that's what I ended up doing without even trying. The differences that _should_ have happened were Haku and Zabuza living, and Hinata and I becoming badasses way sooner than our canon counterparts. How did those things factor into preventing Naruto and Sasuke from meeting Gaara?

 **Well, maybe we can still find him. This should be the day they come into Konoha, right?**

' _How are we supposed to find him?'_

 **We're chakra sensitive, right? That's prepubescent of being chakra sensors. Surely we can try to sense** _ **Shukaku's**_ **jinchūriki?**

' _So we just walk around the village trying to see if we can sense a big ball of malicious chakra?'_

 **Got any better plans?**

' _Nope!'_

* * *

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* * *

I must have wandered around Konoha for an hour before I got an odd tingly sensation in the back of my mind. It reminded me of a swarm of buzzing bees, or a sand storm—that kind of constant buzzing/grinding noise. The odd sensation perked my interest enough that I began to "feel" for it.

Sensing through chakra was weird. I felt like I was trying to find a dying flashlight on a hot summer day, only able to find it by feeling for its warmth because all my other senses were nonexistent.

 _Weird._ With a capital w.

It was doable, but it made me feel awkward. I continued to head north in Konoha until the buzzing/grinding sensation was overwhelming.

My eyes roamed around, widening once I saw the source of the sensation.

There they were. For a moment, I was stupefied because I couldn't believe I actually found Gaara and his siblings through sensing them with my chakra.

That moment did not last long, however, because I realized that Temari was arguing quietly with Kankurō, gesturing towards a map. Seeing my chance, I hurried over to them.

"Hi! Welcome to Konoha. You guys look lost, need any help?" I offered, my words coming out in a breathless rush. "I'm always happy to help cuties."

Temari flashed me a brilliant smile. "Do you know where the Sunbeam Hotel is?"

I nodded. "Yeah, it's on the opposite side of the village."

That made Temari shoot Kankurō a dirty look, at which the puppeteer shrugged.

"I'd be glad to take you all there. I'm Haruno Sakura."

"Temari," Temari offered, "and these are my brothers, Gaara and Kankurō."

I took her hands in my own, bowing down and kissing the back of them. "It is a great pleasure to meet such a beautiful kunoichi like yourself."

She yanked her hands back, eyeing me oddly. "Right. Lead the way, Haruno."

"Just Sakura," I told her, turning my back towards them and beginning to make my way through the streets. Many of the villagers unconsciously gave a wide berth to the jinchūriki. I wasn't worried, though, because Shukaku was pretty fun person.

A bit sadistic, cynical, and twisted, but fun. He was the perfect cross between a tsundere and a yandere. If he was an option in an otome or visual novel, I'd hop all over that fun route.

Along the way, I purchased a wicker basket filled with flowers and began to idly twist them into crowns. I pointed out the sights to each of them, giving them an impromptu tour. By the time we reached the hotel, I had finished five flower crowns.

"Here we are," I said with a flourish, bowing to the trio outside the hotel.

Temari smirked at me. "Thanks for the tour, guide-chan."

I giggled at her. "You're most welcome, pretty lady. I have one more thing for you all." Facing Gaara first, I took out the first crown and gently placed it atop his head. His pale gaze met my own, and I could feel the tension from all three of them from my actions. Because I did not hold any ill intent towards Gaara, and he clearly did not view me as a threat, Shukaku/Karura's sand defense did not trigger.

Nonplussed from the intense stare Gaara gave me, I placed crowns on Temari and Kankurō.

"I hope you all have a lovely stay here," I said, not even flinching when I felt Gaara's killing intent focus in on me. Temari and Kankurō winced at it, unconsciously stepping away from me.

"You are not scared," Gaara stated.

Frowning, I turned back to face him. "What kind of future best friend would I be if I was scared of you? Besides, Shukaku is a cutie, too. I love you, Shukaku. Kurama loves you, too, even if he's a narcissistic asshole. He's just a tsundere, you see."

The perplexed look on Gaara's face was positively priceless. Silence fell between all of us before Gaara broke it by saying, "Okaa-san says you're lying."

I placed both hands on my hips. "Shukaku, what would Hagoromo say if he knew you were calling your future self-appointed mother a liar?"

"Okaa-san wants you to be quiet."

"That's what I thought," I retorted. "Anyway, I have to head out. It was lovely meeting you all. And to reiterate: Kurama is a tsundere."

Gaara tilted his head. "You're making Okaa-san laugh."

"Tell Okaa-san that I call him Kurama of the Fluff, too. To his face. And I plan on spanking him at some point in the future."

Gaara nodded slowly, the killing intent dying off from focusing on me. "Okaa-san likes you."

I winked. "The first step into winning someone over to coerce them into a harem is to receive the parent's blessing. Not a necessary step, but it makes it easier!"

"What," Temari whispered, entirely bewildered.

"Gaara will inevitably join my harem," I explained to them. "There is no stopping that. Shukaku-sama will join eventually, as well."

"What," Kankurō echoed.

"Ooo, look at that time, I gotta go. Peace on earth and all that, bah-bye."

* * *

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* * *

"The Chūnin Exams?" Kaa-chan repeated, her pretty green eyes lighting up. "How wonderful, Sa-chan!"

I beamed at my completely awesome kaa-chan, pausing in devouring my absolutely delicious meal that night in order to do so. Tou-chan reached over and ruffled my hair affectionately. "That's our girl, though."

The gesture made me remember another one of Sakura's memories, and I felt a surge of affection from that memory towards Kaa-chan and Tou-chan. I had almost all of her childhood memories of Tou-chan and Kaa-chan by that point, along with some strong attachment to said people. I sincerely wished I had these parents instead of my first set, but _c'est la vie_.

It might seem a little odd to adopt brand new parents—especially in the way that I had done so, taking over their daughter's body—but at times it genuinely felt like _I_ was Sakura and they were my parents. It was difficult to fight the sensation, and for brief flashes I could even forget about my first life and wholly embrace the current one.

I lapped up their praise for that night, enjoying the utter love and warmth they held for us—me?

It was a non-existent thing in my first life, so I figured I should cherish all I could get in my second life.

When dinner was over, I headed up to my room and prepared for my epic plan to conquer the Chūnin Exams.

* * *

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* * *

The next morning, I took my time to double check that I had everything prepared. I ran through my checklist several times, and only when I was satisfied, did I leave to meet with the team.

Naruto and Sasuke were waiting for me a little ways from the academy. "Good morning!"

"Good morning," Naruto cheerfully greeted.

I placed small snacks in each of their hands. "Kaa-chan says that we should make sure that we have plenty of energy for the Exams."

Naruto gleefully began to nibble on his onigiri, while Sasuke ate his at a slower pace. I shifted the weight of my backpack, hands free (as I had already eaten mine on the way there).

"What's in your backpack?" Naruto asked, noticing how bulgy it was.

"Duplicates," was my only response.

"Duplicates of—"

"You're a cutie," I told him, patting his cheek before turning and heading inside the the academy.

I felt both of them follow behind me, taking note that Sasuke's chakra reminded me of carpet shock, and Naruto's felt like a bonfire. Kakashi's chakra reminded me of the flower asphodel.

Did I mention how chakra sensing was weird?

Because it was.

It was really, _really_ weird.

We headed up the stairs, and upon rounding the corner we found an abundance of Genin standing outside a room.

"Please, just let us through," Tenten pleaded with the fake-Genin-who-were-actually-Chūnin guarding the door.

I called out, "I wouldn't bother, people-from-Gai's-team. That's not the right room—it's under a genjutsu."

All eyes snapped towards me, and I smiled happily. Tenten, Lee, and Neji recognized me almost instantly, because Lee gasped. "You're the brave maiden who defended your friend against Hyūga-sama!"

"Yes," I said, ignoring the dubious looks Sasuke and Naruto gave me. "Yes I am. Seriously, though, you guys shouldn't be bothering with that. I thought Kakashi-sensei's rival's team would be smarter than that!"

Lee cringed, while Tenten looked sheepish and Neji turned his back on us, already walking away.

"Come on, my team," I said, looking over my shoulder to Sasuke and Naruto, "the real room should be upstairs."

"How'd you know that?" Naruto loudly whispered to me.

"I'm chakra sensitive," I answered. "And I can count."

Naruto nodded sagely at my response, and the three of us continued on our merry little way.

"Wait," Lee called out as the three of us entered another room. We stopped as one, each turning back to face Team Nine. "Your name, fair maiden?"

"Haruno Sakura," I said, doing a little curtsy. "My teammates are Uzumaki Naruto," I gestured towards Naruto who did a jovial wave, "and Uchiha Sasuke otherwise known as Duck Ass."

Sasuke shot me a venomous look. "Go to hell, you perverted woman."

"I'll save you a seat, dearie," I responded back cheerfully. "You guys are Gai's kiddos, right?"

"Yeah," Tenten said hesitantly. "Um. We didn't mean to listen in on your conversation with Hyūga-sama."

"It's quite alright," I reassured her. "He needed some sense knocked into him, and being the sensible person," Sasuke and Naruto snorted at that, "I am, I took it upon myself to do so."

"It was very brave, Sakura-san," Lee exclaimed. "I admire your courage, and your beauty. Please, go out with me!"

Sasuke was aghast. "Are you insane?"

I smiled at Lee. "I've decided to wait until I'm of age to _date_ anyone, but you can join my harem."

Tenten paused. "You're not dating, but you have a harem?"

"Yes."

Lee was heartbroken. "Oh."

"If it makes you feel any better," Naruto hesitantly began, "she only has two people in her harem so far."

"Three," I corrected Naruto. "Hina-chan joined a couple weeks ago."

Naruto nodded. "Okay, three." Then he paused. "How come I'm not in the harem?"

"You are welcome to join my harem, sweetie," I told him, patting his shoulder. "I view you too much as a son, though, to do anything. You'd be like the designated cuddle-buddy in the harem."

Naruto perked up. "I love cuddles! Count me in!"

"This is irritating. Let's go, Tenten," Neji muttered, giving me a contemptuous glare.

"But," Lee began, torn, "I do not wish to—"

Tenten grabbed Lee's hand, "Come on, Lee. You can talk to Sakura-san after the Exams."

I waved goodbye as Team Nine left ahead of us, quite happy with the impression I had left up upon them. I had faith that Naruto would still get his chance to Therapy-no-Jutsu Neji, but if by some odd chance that didn't happen, I was fully prepared to lock Hiashi and Neji in the same room together until they were bestest of buddies.

Or blackmail them. Either way worked for me.

Sasuke watched them leave for a moment before shaking his head. "I can already tell these exams are going to be a hassle."

I reached over and patted his shoulder, ignoring how he instinctively flinched from my touch. As I conditioned Kakashi, I would condition Sasuke, too. Not as demanding as Kakashi for a multitude of reasons, but I was determined for Sasuke to get used to hugs, and physical contact in general. The lack of affection in his life after the massacre definitely played a huge role in his antisocial, and borderline sociopathic tendencies.

Not that I had room to judge sociopaths, or anything, but I figured he would be happier all around if he had love and affection in his life on a regular basis.

We moved at a lazy pace, entirely at ease and feeling confident for the exams. When we reached the last bit of stairs before the room with the exams, Kakashi appeared before us.

"Kaka-sensei," I cried out happily, throwing myself into his arms. He shifted his stance slightly to prepare himself for my hug-tackle. For a brief moment I could have sworn he hugged me back, but the sensation lasted no more than a second, so I couldn't be sure. Far too soon for my liking, Kakashi began the process of removing me from him.

"I'm glad you are all here," Kakashi said, giving us the sexy eye-smile. "I'm proud of each of you, and I wouldn't have recommended you three to take these exams if I wasn't confident you would ace them."

My heart soared at his praise.

 **Praise-whore.**

My hands reached out on their own towards him and Kakashi deftly grabbed them and put them both in one of his hands. With his other hand he reached over and patted each of us on our head. I pouted at him, my bottom lip sticking out. "You always end our hugs so quickly!"

"You can hug me, Sakura-chan," Naruto happily offered. I beamed at him, turning partially towards him (as Kakashi still had a firm grip on my hands, and I took the time to wonder if his hands were simply that big, or if my hands were that small). "As the designated cuddle-buddy, I'm always ready to give out hugs."

A mischievous smile crawled its way across my face. "Okay. Hey when you see Hina-chan next, would you mind hugging her for me? I know she needs some hugs, too."

Naruto nodded. "Yeah, sure thing!"

"You're going to give her a heart attack," Sasuke deadpanned. My eyebrows rose.

"You know about her?"

"It was painfully hard _not_ notice a girl who literally fainted in class any time Naruto was near her," Sasuke snarked.

"So sassy," I said with a coy smile. "Do you need a hug, too, little boy? Are you jealous?"

"Touch me and die," Sasuke crankily informed me.

' _Oh, he_ so _needs a hug._ '

With a woeful sigh, I returned my attention to Kakashi, giving him the most pleading look I could muster. He let out a long sigh, and released his hold on me, lifting up one arm. With a delightful squeal I hugged him again, savoring how he patted my back gently. Deciding not to push him for his wondrous gift, I then turned around and latched onto Naruto to satisfy my intense desire to hug people. Naruto squeezed me tightly, being the all around ball of sunshine and love he was.

' _The two of us are going to fill this world with so much love no one will ever be angsty again!'_

 **As long as a member of the Uchiha are still alive, that's not going to happen.**

' _Shh. Yes it will. Everyone knows the greatest power of all is love and friendship.'_

 **No. That would be a neutron star about to go out in** _ **style**_ **.**

' _Deidara would probably give his life for a chance to see that._ '

Kakashi continued to eye-smile at us. "Well. I'll be watching, minions. Try not to embarrass me."

Sasuke and Naruto pointedly looked towards me, and I whistled innocently.

"Try not to sexually harass the other Genin," Kakashi told me.

"I… I don't know, man," I confessed. "The Goggle Gods told me to go on a hugging spree before the second task."

"Of course they did," Sasuke sardonically said. "Why wouldn't they do anything _but_ enable your delusional fantasies?"

"My fantasies will not remain delusional for much longer," I vowed. "My harem will come to life, and as soon as I hit what passes for adulthood in this world, I will indulge in every fantasy my body can handle with said harem."

"You are a depraved person," Sasuke informed me.

"I didn't say they would be sexual fantasies," I pointed out. "For all you know I was referring to a 72-hour UNO marathon, or who can keep backflipping the longest before getting sick. You're the one that jumped to things of _that_ nature."

He flushed. "You said _adulthood_ —"

"My legs would have finished growing by the time I reach adulthood, therefore I have a greater chance of winning the backflipping contest," I explained. "Jeeze, get your mind out of the gutter."

"Yeah, Sasuke, don't be such a perverted bastard," Naruto agreed with me, grinning wickedly.

Before the Uchiha could begin throttling either of us, Kakashi cleared his throat. "Glad to see your team dynamics are strong as ever. Don't maim each other before the third part, _bye_."

And he was gone.

I missed him already.

Naruto clapped his right fist into his left open palm. "Alright! Let's kick some ass and take some names."

"May the Goggle Gods watch over this," I solemnly prayed.

It seemed like Sasuke was repressing the urge to sigh at us, because his face screwed up and his shoulders twitched, before decided to open the door for us.

The three of us stepped inside the exam room, and immediately I was wrapped into a tight hug.

I let out a happy giggle as I hugged Hinata back, pulling back long enough to nuzzle my nose against her's. She giggled as I did so, a light blush covering her face. "Sakura-chan, I have missed you."

"And I have missed you, my princess," I informed her, looking her up and down.

Her jacket was nowhere to be found. Instead, the heiress wore a lilac t-shirt with a little pale blue flower over her left breast. Her arms were bare, displaying her well-earned muscles. I noticed that she wore matching wristbands as me (except while mine were pink, hers were a pale blue with a lilac sakura flower in the center), with matching shinobi gloves.

She kept her standard pants, and shoes. However, I noticed that she also chose to grow her hair out a bit more.

"You look positively adorable," I told her, eliciting another blush from the girl.

"She's not the only one looking adorable today," Ino interjected, wrapping an arm around my waist. Hinata and I both welcomed the blonde spitfire into our hug, causing Ino to blush and smile happily, which made Hinata and I giggle.

"We are _all_ adorable today," I declared, relishing the group hug and the feeling of—of _warmth_ in our little circle.

Naruto gave a whine. "Hey now. As the designated cuddle buddy of the harem, why am I not included?"

Ino and I rolled our eyes, but lifted our arms to allow Naruto to join. Hinata let out a quiet gasp when the hero tackled into us, laughing happily to be apart of the group hug.

Poor Hinata was struggling not to faint. Her face was redder than Madara's armor, and she was borderline hyperventilating. Thankfully for her, Kiba's next crude comment triggered Ino and Naruto and to round on him and focus their embarrassment / annoyance on him.

Hinata seized the moment, and promptly hid behind me, burying her face in her hands. I patted her back consolingly, watching as Kiba and Naruto escalated their pissing contest.

Our little group continued to watch our most boisterous members bicker until I noticed a certain someone heading our way.

Kabuto approached, a smile on his face and before he opened his mouth—

I threw my shoe at him. "Get outta here, you piece of shit. Don't even open your mouth. Leave before the next thing I do is take a spoon, gouge out your eyes, and spoon feed them to you. Then choke you with said spoon."

My previous classmates gaped at me, while I glared hatefully at the lying liar who lies. Kabuto looked positively shell-shocked. "U-Um…?"

"Sakura-chan?" Hinata inquired hesitantly, entirely bewildered.

I did not give her my attention, yet, entirely focused on channeling every bit of my desire to kill the POS that was in front of me. Kabuto took a step back, playing the perfect role of being intimidated. "I-I guess I'll leave."

Only once the threat was gone, I relaxed and beamed at all my friends. "Don't worry about it, guys! But that guy is the worst kind of scum you will ever meet. I will definitely do some not nice things to him one day."

Sasuke's eyes lit up with understanding. "Wait. Is _that_ …?"

Naruto looked between us for a moment, before he, too realized what Sasuke was asking. "Sakura-chan! Was that…?!"

"Yes," I confirmed. "His name is Kabuto, and what he has done is unforgivable."

" _That_ guy?" Kiba asked, incredulous.

"What did he do?" Ino's brow furrowed.

"I can't say, yet," I answered. "But you guys will know within the month. And you all may very well come to hate him in the coming years."

Shikamaru spoke up for the first time since we entered the room. "If he's that bad, why is he still a Konoha Genin?"

"I can't tell you that. The Goggle Gods warned me about telling anyone about the things he has done, without solid proof. It's very dangerous."

"The—" Shikamaru began, but Naruto gave him a _look_ , and the Nara heir fell quiet.

Then there was a big puff of smoke, and Ibiki appeared in all his bad assery.

All too happily, I pushed out the yucky thoughts of Kabuto, focused entirely on enacting the next part of my epic plan.

* * *

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* * *

As soon as I got my test, I flipped it over and began to draw a detailed image of Kakashi and me getting married, with the Akatsuki (replacing the clouds with flowers, and they each wore masks) all around us (Hidan was the officiant), and Hinata acting as my maid of honor. I drew Tobi as Kakashi's best man, with Naruto and Sasuke as groomsmen along with Gai.

The Pack of Cuties were also dressed as groomsmen with cute little bows, and Pakkun acting as the ring bearer. All the Konoha ladies with Temari and Konan were dolled up, acting as my bridesmaids.

It was an outdoor wedding, with lots of trees, clouds, and typical wedding stuff.

I finished the picture (and shaded it) halfway through the test, and then I flipped it over and began to draw each Akatsuki duo in each box. Starting at the top left was Konan and Nagato enjoying some tea, with the ghost of Yahiko blowing kisses to Konan. Top right was Itachi and Kisame, Itachi knitting while Kisame ate some sushi. Below them was the Zombie duo, Kakuzu holding Hidan's head and smirking, while Hidan was throwing out curses. Beside them was Deidara and Sasori competing over if art was everlasting or brief. Below them was Tobi being a cutie with Mia.

To the box next to Tobi was Obito and Nao proudly holding up goggles to the Goggle Gods, then below them was Miwako, Naruto, and Kurama posing for a photo. Finally beside Miwako, Naruto and Kurama, was Madara eating cakes with Hashirama.

In the box that was meant for the tenth question, I wrote: _The Goggle Gods blessed me with the knowledge that your test is bullshit. Praise be to the Goggle Gods, you heathen._

I decided to finally pay attention to my teammates, noticing the Sasuke had completed his test, and Naruto was giving Hinata a look of sheer awe.

 _That_ made me a bit curious. Upon further inspection, it seemed that Hinata had _literally_ swapped their test sheets after finishing her own. She was nearly done with Naruto's.

The sheer size of the balls she had grown over the past month left me breathless.

Love and encouragement did wonders.

' _I never understood why people don't live by that. If everyone cared, so many problems would be fixed._ '

 **If everyone loved, nothing else would get done. We'd all become lazy, having no reason to aspire for more.**

' _That is_ so _not true. Get your cynicism out of my optimism.'_

 **Get your optimism a check up with reality. It really needs it.**

I promptly began to ignore my debbie-downer Inner.

* * *

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* * *

The first part ended without any big scene, or fuss. Anko arrived, as sexy in person as she was in the anime, and instructed us to follow her.

I was in the lead following her, admiring her shapely form. The other Genin seemed content in giving her berth. "Your butt is the second best butt I have ever had the pleasure of seeing."

That made the poison mistress stop, irritated. " _Second_ best?"

"Kakashi-sensei has the best butt," I explained to her.

She paused in her walking, then shook her head. "Even if it's him, my ass should be way better."

"I mean, like, don't get me wrong," I said to her, ignoring how Naruto was tugging on my sleeve and gesturing wildly for me to be quiet. Almost the entire group of Genin that was following behind Anko was listening to our conversation, "you're butt is very attractive, and you have this whole sexy vibe going for you. Easily the sexist kunoichi I have personally seen, but Kakashi-sensei's butt is is like—is like."

Words failed me and I gestured with my hands.

Anko peered at me. "Hm. I get where you're coming from, but I personally don't see it."

I gasped. "How could you _not_?! Have you seen his butt?!"

"Yes," Anko answered. "Every kunoichi has, and a good chunk of shinobi I bet."

There were some scandalized gasps and chokes from the participating Genin.

Anko lightly patted her bum. "But he has _nothing_ on his. I'm as smooth as a baby's ass."

"I have it on good authority that he is, too," I exclaimed.

That got another pause, and a leer from Anko. " _Really_."

"Really," I confidently told her.

"How do you know? Who told you?"

I hesitated, thinking that perhaps Kakashi wouldn't want me to inform Anko that I had managed to grab his booty on more than one occasion. "I'm not allowed to say."

Anko bent over and squinted at me. She stared at me for several seconds, before her eyes lit up and she chortled. " _HA!_ Looks like we have ourselves another Jiraya-sama."

I gasped. "You _know_?!"

"I can't believe you got the drop on Hatake," Anko commented, placing a hand on my shoulder and making me walk with her as she guided the rest of the Genin once more. "So is it really that good?"

"It's why I say it's the best."

"You're biased. You obviously have the hots for your teacher." Not able to deny that with a straight face, I merely smiled in response. That seemed to amuse the sexy lady even more so, because she snickered, patting me on the back. "Tell you what. You pass this part, and I'll let you buy me dango."

I bowed before her. "It would be my honor, oh sweet spirit of sheer sexiness."

If I didn't know any better, I could have sworn I heard groans of disgust from behind me.

Clearly, must have been my imagination.

* * *

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* * *

The rest of the trip to the forest went by pretty quick, with Anko and I shamelessly flirting back and forth. When we had arrived, she gave her dramatic speech about the rules, and blah, blah, blah. Then the waivers were handed out.

It was time for the next step in my Epic Plan™

"Hug time!" I shouted out after signing my waiver. I handed it over to Naruto before throwing my arms around him. "Since we have another thirty minutes, I'm going to hug _everyone_!"

Naruto patted my back. "Everyone?"

I pulled away from him, already running towards a complete stranger from Kumogakure who had a nice butt. " _Everyone!_ "

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

I returned to my team a few minutes before we had to enter the forest. Each group was assigned a different area and an assistant lead us to different gates. When it was time for the second part to begin, the door to the Forest of Death unlocked, and the assistant stepped back with a cocky smirk.

We stepped inside the Forest of Death.

Sasuke looked over at us. "We need a plan."

I pulled off my backpack and dropped it on the ground. "I got this, guys."

They both turned to look at my backpack, and when I unzipped it, I presented it to be filled with Earth and Heaven Scrolls.

They stared at it.

"What," Sasuke deadpanned.

"Kakashi-sensei said the exams didn't end between Part One and Part Two," I began to explain, "so technically as soon as we knew the parameters of Part Two, we could act. Anko-sama did not specify that we had to take the scrolls while inside the forest. She only stated that we had to present one Heaven and one Earth Scroll at the tower by the end of five days."

Naruto was bewildered. "So how did you get all those scrolls, Sakura-chan?"

"Remember how I went on my hugging spree earlier?" I asked. "Well, while I was hugging people, I pricked them with my hallucinogenic poison—the one that makes them super drunk—and then I nicked their scrolls while they were feeling hazy."

Sasuke's brow furrowed. "When the poison wore off, though, wouldn't they realize they had a missing scroll?"

"I left a duplicate in its place."

"How did you know to make duplicates?"

"The Goggle Gods," I answered, zipping my backpack up and slinging it back over my shoulders. "Anyway, that's the abridged version. We have our scrolls, so let's head to the tower, yeah?"

Naruto grinned brightly at me. "That's so amazing, Sakura-chan! You're always so prepared."

"Yes," I drawled out slowly. Obviously there was a bit more to the story. I didn't go anywhere near teams I knew were dangerous, or I felt had chakra levels higher than regular Genin. Several of the teams participating were overly arrogant and lowered their guards around me (which was another criteria for me to target them), misbelieving I was only a little girl.

' _Joke's on them, though. I'm a crazy woman, I keep everyone on their toes.'_

 **That you do.**

Sasuke shifted, still giving me a disbelieving look. "... Okay. Let's head to the center tower, then."

I saluted. "Brilliant plan, good sir. Last one there has to be everyone else's sex slave!"

Naruto let out a scandalized gasp, while Sasuke grimaced. "No."

"Party pooper," I pouted, already taking off into the trees. It would be pretty swell if our team managed to beat the others to the tower. We could break a whole new record, y'know? I bet Kakashi would feel _super_ proud of us and praise me _bunches_ if we did that.

That thought made my heart skip a happy beat.

My feet landed with soft thuds as I leapt from branch to branch, Naruto and Sasuke flanking me. Sasuke's eyes had shifted into a Sharingan, and he seemed to be constantly scanning our surroundings. Naruto had an inordinately happy smile on his face, looking like the most pleased pickle in existence. I felt the urge to ruffle his hair every time I looked over and saw that smile.

We moved quickly, not pausing when we heard the first screams echo throughout the forest. Naruto and Sasuke, never ones to turn down a competition, began did their best to race to the tower. Even without the penalty to the loser, all of us were motivated to be the first team to reach the tower.

If everything had gone according to plan, we would never even have to see Orochimaru.

Unfortunately, things did not go according to plan.

But, hey, that's what back-up plans were for!

So when that big gust came outta nowhere and blew us all away (in the same direciton, though, because we were tightly packed together in our race), I wasn't _too_ surprised.

And when Orochimaru walked towards us, disguise firmly in place, with a smile on his face, I knew it was time for the Backup Epic Plan™.

The killing intent flooded the area, freezing my teammates for a brief moment, and stunning me for a split second before excitement and adrenaline overrode me. The widest smile possible stretched across my cheeks in anticipation for one of the best damn villains in written history (in my totally biased opinion) approached us.

"The Goggle Gods warned me of your impending arrival," I told Orochimaru, as I pulled out a small scroll from my backpack.

The creepy (in a cool way) snake man chortled. "Did they now? Do you know who I am, then?"

I nodded my head. "Of course, Orochimaru-sama. I have your complete collection of anatomy guides in my room. I would have brought them to get your autograph, but I was worried they would get damaged in the forest."

Orochimaru laughed once more, his killing intent idly dying off. Sasuke and Naruto slowly moved to flank either side of me, both eyeing Orochimaru cautiously. "I wouldn't have thought one of Konoha's little seedlings would be _allowed_ to want _my_ autograph."

"They just don't understand you," I reassured him. "I can't say I entirely do, too, but I can definitely say that I understand _enough_ not to hate you and that I can _appreciate_ what you have done. Without yours and Tsunade-sama's experiments, Konoha wouldn't be so advanced in medical care as it is now."

"But, of course," Orochimaru agreed with me. "What on earth is a rational child like yourself still doing in this village?"

"Rational?" Sasuke repeated, incredulous.

"I'm in love with Kakashi-sensei," I explained, "I couldn't bear to just leave him. Otherwise I would have gone rogue and hunted down Kisame-sama and begged his blessing to hang out with him."

"Hoshigaki-san is an interesting fellow," Orochimaru commented pleasantly, as if remarking on the weather.

"I certainly think so," I sighed happily, thinking about my idol. "Returning to the point on hand," I unsealed the scroll, "I don't want to die, and I don't think my teammates want to die either."

Orochimaru said, "Most don't."

Then fifteen flares shot up and out of the scroll and into the sky, illuminating our entire vision in bright red and purple. Flares were used to signal for immediate help, and all Genin teams were required to carry red flares on every mission. Purple flares were one of five distinctive flares to alert everyone in the vicinity to the level of danger. Green for B rank, yellow for A rank, pink for S, purple for SS, or Kage-level, and white was used for when a team was significantly outnumbered.

I wasn't sure if Anko and the ANBU were already searching for Orochimaru, but Orochimaru didn't know if they were looking for him yet, either.

So now the incredibly dangerous missing-nin was left with a bit of a dilemma. He clearly didn't want to confront an entire squad of ANBU (which he did not know if they were coming or not, but being the cautious genius he was, he would assume they were), but he very much wanted to give Sasuke a Curse Mark.

Orochimaru frowned. "That's no fun."

"I don't want to die, yet," I told him. "I _am_ sorry. If I knew for sure you wouldn't kill us, I wouldn't have shot up the flares."

"I suppose I can't fault you for that," Orochimaru allowed, causing me to beam at him, "but _really_. You cut my time significantly."

"Next time we meet up, I'll buy you lunch as an apology," I offered.

Orochimaru tilted his head at that, and then he was a blur in the next moment. I didn't feel any killing intent coming from him, so it greatly surprised me when the next instant I saw him, he was digging his knee up into my diaphragm and sending me hurtling through the trees before I landed with a very dizzying thud.

Pain shot throughout my entire backside, and I knew that he had successfully broken several bones _with one kick_.

Blood pooled into my mouth, as I struggled to stay awake. Each breath burned, and I could not take in enough oxygen to breathe properly. He had induced traumatic pneumothorax when the ribs broke inwards and punctured my left lung.

As the edges of my vision blackened, I knew I had to work quickly before I suffocated, or passed out. Thankfully, adrenaline worked wonders on dulling the pain and giving me a semi-clear mind to focus on what to do in order to survive. I heard shouts, and I felt more than I saw, the battle commence around me. Praise to the Goggle Gods that my backpack was still on me, so I was able to take out my emergency medical supplies.

With extremely shaky hands, I pulled out the emergency syringe and jabbed it into my chest, reinflating my lung.

It caused enough immediate relief, that I took a staggering breath and worked to removed my ribs from my lung and heal the tissue. I wouldn't be able to repair the broken bones properly in the current environment, but I could deal with that pain.

The holes were small—enough so that they would have been able to heal on their own given enough time—and my body all too happily regrew under my Shōsen. I calcified my ribs so they would not break off, but—

' _I'll have to re-break my ribs to set them properly,_ ' I thought with a grimace.

Once the immediate threat to my life was taken care of, I took stock of the rest of my injuries.

My right shoulder was dislocated ( _holy hell that hurts_ ), and either my hip was out of place or fractured, and my back felt like it was going to be a big angry bruise for a month. None of which were life-threatening, so I ignored them in favor of finding my teammates.

I could _not_ have been distracted for more than a minute, and already Naruto and Sasuke were unconscious and Orochimaru was gone.

I tried to stand back up, but my hip protested so much that I had to pop it back into place myself before doing anything else.

I bit hard on my bottom lip to keep from crying out as I heard the pop from twisting my hip back into place. I took a few moments to recollect myself before forcing myself to stand up and hobble over to Naruto.

I sent a jolt of chakra into his system, in hopes of awaking him, and I was pleasantly surprised when he gave a low groan. The hero opened his eyes, and blearily looked up at me. "Sakura-chan?"

"Hello. Do me a favor?"

He sat up, grimacing. "Yeah, what's up?"

"Pop my shoulder back into place?"

Naruto nodded his head, then hesitated. "I don't know how to do that."

"It's okay, I'll g-guide you," I reassured him. I leaned back on my butt, before sinking down onto the ground to lay flat on my back. "Grab my right elbow with your right hand, and my right wrist with your left hand." Naruto tentatively did so, his clear blue eyes bright with obvious worry. "Good. Now slow and steady, pull my arm away from my body."

As he did so, I had to turn my head away and bit down hard on my lip and tongue. It took a couple of tries, but he was eventually able to pop it back into place. With that being settled, I did a quick diagnostic of Naruto (damn grateful Kurama of the Fluff was already healing him), before I headed over to Sasuke.

Disappointment flared through me before I pushed it aside.

Sasuke had the Curse Mark.

 _Despite heading straight towards the tower—and only being a few hours away, max—Orochimaru still found us. He still headed straight towards us. Short of spilling everything to the Hokage and taking a trip to T &I, was there anything else I could have done to prevent that?_

 **I don't think so. Even then, that's not a guarantee Orochimaru won't find some other to get to Sasuke. We did the best we could under the circumstances, and with the criteria of, you know, not wanting to die, yet.**

It was still frustrating.

But frustration got me nowhere, and it wasn't a pleasant feeling, so away that went.

Naruto squatted down on the opposite side of me, his brow furrowed as he looked at Sasuke. "What do we do?"

"It's unsafe to treat him out here," I said slowly. "We're only a few hours away from the tower, so let's rush there. He should be okay until we get there."

"Then what?"

"I'll take care of it. Don't worry about it."

Naruto smiled brightly. "Okay. I trust you, Sakura-chan."

Unease settled in my stomach at his words for some reason. Naruto grabbed Sasuke's right arm and slung it over his shoulder. I did the same with Sasuke's left arm, and the two of us ran as fast as we could to the tower.

* * *

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* * *

As soon as we entered the tower, I ripped off my backpack and pulled out a Heaven Scroll and an Earth Scroll. Quickly, I unrolled both and placed them over one another. Within seconds, there was a puff of smoke and—

It was not Iruka who appeared in the smoke, but rather a young woman whose name I did not know. She wore her Chūnin attire well, with rainbow-dyed hair swept up into a bun in the back. She looked over each of us. "Team Seven?"

I nodded for us, hearing Naruto grunt as he shifted his hold over our unconscious teammate.

She smirked at us. "Congrats on being the first to the tower. Your buddy gonna make it?"

"We ran into Orochimaru in the forest," I said, watching closely as her face paled and her eyes widened. "He left a gift for our teammate, and we're going to require a sealing team for him."

She shifted uneasily at my words. "It would be a violation of the rules if teams were granted outside medical assistance until the second part is complete."

"Tell our sensei, then, so he can prepare the sealing immediately afterwards."

"Right," the Chūnin agreed. "Well. You all have free reign of the tower until the five days are up. Kitchen is on the second floor, and dorms are floors three through seven."

Once more, I nodded my head at that. The Chūnin disappeared in a puff of smoke, and I helped Naruto carry Sasuke upstairs.

We dumped our feverish teammate onto a bed, and then it was time to work.

"See this mark here?" I asked Naruto, pointing towards the Curse Mark. Naruto pulled up a chair to sit beside me while I worked on Sasuke. He nodded his head. "It's some kind of seal. According to my diagnosis and what I can tell from Shōsen, it's forcing itself into Sasuke's chakra network."

Naruto paled. "That's bad, right?"

"Yes," I agreed quietly. "Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do about it right now. Neither of us are fūinjutsu experts, and my medical expertise can only go so far. What we _can_ do is help flush out the toxic chakra it's emitting into his system, and keep his fever down."

"Is there something I can do?" Naruto asked me.

"Yes. Keep giving him chakra pills, and anti-inflammatory medication. We'll change his cooling pack every hour, too. If it gets too bad, we'll have to give him an ice bath."

"He's going to be okay, though, right?"

I hesitated. "He's going to have a tough time, but I believe he'll be okay in the end. Um. Naruto? The Curse Mark is affecting his nervous system, as well. He… um… Well, you know how you sometimes go berserk when you use Kurama's chakra?"

The ball of sunshine cocked his head at me. "What?"

"The Kyūbi—"

" _You know_?!"

"What kind of self-appointed mother would I be, if I didn't know?" I retorted. "But you understand what I'm talking about, yeah?" At his nod, I continued, "Well, Sasuke's going to have go through something similar. If too much of that thing's chakra is released into his system at once, it'll cause him to go a bit crazy. It'll be up to us to stop him, and calm him down. It's not entirely his fault, though, so don't take anything he says or does personal when he's like that."

Naruto punched his left palm, a grin on his face. "I can do that! If that's all there is to worry about, then everything really is going to be okay!"

I couldn't resist smiling at that. "Yes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to re-break some bones and do a bit of damage control for myself. If you hear me scream, please pretend you heard nothing."

He grimaced. "Yeah. Okay."

* * *

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* * *

Unfortunately some of my injuries required an extra set of hands. I had to have Naruto wrap the bandages around my chest and back (he was _extremely_ uncomfortable with it, but understood the necessity and acted like a complete gentleman) because I couldn't friggin move after re-breaking a couple of ribs. I had a whole bunch of scratches and gashes and all sorts of fun shit covering my back, so I _had_ to dress it somehow until I could finagle a way to heal my back.

A shoulder after being dislocated recently did _not_ want to move much.

Sasuke floated in and out of consciousness. The first time he woke up semi-coherent, Naruto and I reassured him that he was in a safe place and didn't have to fight. That seemed to trigger his body to shut down and focus entirely on recuperating from Orochimaru's brief encounter. He didn't become coherent until it was time for the preliminary exams.

Gaara's team had arrived a couple hours after our team (apparently I had taken out enough of the competition that it took a couple of tries to find a team that _didn't_ have a duplicate, _oopsie_ ). Hinata's team came later that night (I greeted them with hugs).

Hinata figured out the duplicates were because of me (I had left tiny little flowers in the corner of the duplicates—and she watched me work my magic before entering the forest), and explained it to her teammates. Kiba was quite put off with me because it took them multiple tries to find a team that didn't have a duplicate, while Shino praised me on my cunning.

Hinata just smiled at me, and pinched my cheek, citing, "If I didn't like you so much, I might have been annoyed."

I giggled at that and responded with, "Lies. You're too full of goodness and love to be annoyed with anyone."

She shook her head in response.

Team Eight hung around our room, Hinata happily assisting to help care for Sasuke. Kiba and Naruto enjoyed bantering with one another, and the boisterous Genin listened to each other's stories of what their teams had been up to for the past couple of months since academy days.

I had Hinata redress my wounds over the next couple of days until I could move my shoulder enough to use Shōsen on my back.

Some of the injuries would leave behind barely visible scars.

It would make for a helluva cool story.

' _Oh, how did you get that scar?'_ Someone would ask.

' _I got in a fight with Orochi-friggin-maru. And lived.'_

' _Holy Arceus, that is bad ass.'_

' _I know.'_

Quite the story, indeed.

Team Nine showed up after the third day into the exam (well into the night), followed shortly by Otogakure's team.

On the fourth day, looking extremely worse for wear, Team Ten arrived.

On the same day, I also kidnapped Hinata to help be booby trap a certain room I found.

With the reunion of all the Rookies, all of us stayed close (Gai's team seemed to be held off in semi-isolation—likely demanded by Neji, and to a lesser extent Tenten). I healed up what injuries I could, and Hinata dressed / stitched the injuries I could not. The rest of our time passed by in a very relaxed state. The fifth day all of us stayed in our rooms and rested in preparation for the next step of the exam.

Then came two in the afternoon, and each team received a message to meet in the very same room I had (by complete coincidence, I'm sure) booby-trapped.

Things were about to go get exciting again!

* * *

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* * *

 **Checking in with Kakashi. Third Person POV.**

Kakashi joined the rest of the Konoha instructors in the surveillance room to monitor the first part of the exams. His longtime friend, and self-appointed rival, Gai greeted him with a cheerful wave and a blinding smile. "My friend! I was not aware your team would be apart of the Exams."

"It was made apparent to me early on that they would want to participate," Kakashi answered, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Hokage-sama was also interested in one of my… minions becoming a Chūnin."

Asuma snorted. "Let me guess, Naruto."

"No," Kakashi responded quietly, thinking back to the evil glint in Hiruzen's eyes at the thought of a certain pinkette having unlimited access to the _Icha Icha_ series. The evil man had chortled, merrily smiling as he said with an all too straight face, " _She would be good for you, Kakashi-kun. She seems very…_ fun."

" _She's_ twelve _."_

" _For now," Hiruzen agreed, still smiling evilly. There was no way he_ actually _thought that Kakashi would even consider being with someone so young, but the man openly enjoyed the fact that the aspiring medic could make her sensei squirm._

 _Hiruzen was a firm believer in shinobi expressing their emotions (when not on missions, of course) and not turning into mindless tools; and the fact that she brought out honest reactions and feelings from the emotionally repressed retired ANBU made Hiruzen hopeful for his subordinate._

Kurenai frowned at Kakashi's response. "He favors the Uchiha, then?"

Kakashi mutely shook his head.

Gai chuckled. "I am not surprised! Kakashi's fair maiden is Most Surprising. She brims with youthful enthusiasm!"

"She is not my fair maiden," Kakashi corrected. "She is my minion. An evil, evil, perverted minion."

"Hinata-chan thinks highly of Sakura-chan," Kurenai said slowly. "Surely, you must be exaggerating."

Kakashi gave her a _look_ as if patronizing a child.

Kurenai flushed, looking away in a huff. "You were never good with kunoichi. You probably don't know how to handle her, the poor girl."

"I'm the victim here," Kakashi protested. "She's worse than Jiraiya."

"No way," Asuma immediately denied. "No one is worse than him."

"She is," Kakashi insisted.

Asuma turned towards the surveillance screen, squinting at the group of Genin. "That girl, right there? The one that's hugging her friends. She's a pervert?"

Kakashi nodded firmly. "The only reason she wants to be a Chūnin is to purchase _Icha Icha_."

"I don't believe that," Kurenai declared.

Kakashi gave her another look, causing the kunoichi to glare balefully at him.

The instructors watched the footage for another moment, before another Genin approached the group. Sakura immediately took off her right shoe and threw it at him, her face contorting into a look Kakashi had honestly never seen on his minion before. The look of sheer _hatred_ on her face was unsettling. He had only ever seen smiles, and the occasional wince from his casual rejections.

The other Genin seemed equally surprised by the venomous looks (and likely words) she threw towards the silver-haired Genin. Only until the Genin had left, did she flip a switch and turn back into cheerful young girl.

"Who was that?" Kurenai asked, looking over at Kakashi.

Kakashi didn't have an answer.

But he would soon enough.

* * *

"Yo," Kakashi greeted casually. His team had entered the Forest of Death yesterday, so he would not be seeing them for another few days. He planned on spending that time relaxing with light training thrown in, but Ibiki had requested to meet with him. The scarred interrogator took a seat beside Kakashi at the bar they sat at, a single paper in hand.

He slammed said paper on the counter, a scowl on his face. "Who the _hell_ are the Goggle Gods?"

Kakashi blinked at that, then looked down. He recognized Sakura's drawings (although he did not recognize _who_ she drew—except… Obito? How did she know Obito? Surely, no one would tell her about _that_ tidbit of information about him. People knew better than to talk about Kakashi's past), and her curly handwriting. He read the message at the bottom of the paper, and resisted the urge to snort and bury his face in his hands.

He settled for shaking his head. "I don't know."

"How did she know about my exam? I _literally_ came up with it that morning," Ibiki demanded.

"The _Goggle Gods_ is the term Sakura uses to explain away anything she figures out," Kakashi explained. "She has a very high natural intuition. She likely saw through your exam, then explained it away through her… gods."

Ibiki's eyes narrowed. "Really."

"That is the most likely scenario," Kakashi allowed. "I don't have any obvious proof, but I can confirm she doesn't have any hidden kekkai genkai, nor do these Goggle Gods actually exist."

Ibiki snorted. He supposed that it did make sense. No one could keep things hidden from _the_ Hatake Kakashi, so if there was something odd about Sakura, the famed Jōnin would have figured it out by now. That being said, Ibiki still had a gut-feeling that there was something a bit more to the story.

Without definitive proof, though, Ibiki wouldn't push the retired ANBU.

Well. Not about that, anyway.

With a smirk, Ibiki flipped over the paper. "Care to share, Hatake?"

Kakashi stared at Sakura's picture of their wedding for a solid minute, before he took a long swig of his sake, and buried his face in his arms. "You have ten seconds to leave, and take that atrocity with you, before I break that damn jaw of yours."

Ibiki smirked, obliging the embarrassed man.

* * *

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* * *

 _The wedding picture (and the motivation to write Kakashi's POV) was inspired by SarahGarciaDonaire (deviantART) triplet fanart of Kakashi and Sakura. Links on profile, or you can go to their profile._

 _Big thank you to Nixygg (deviantART) for making my whole damn week and helping my muse out with her/his fanart of Haku giving Sakura a smooch. Links also on profile, or go to their profile._

 _Funfact: Neutron stars are the stars that turn into a black hole. Our sun would have to become a neutron star before it turned into a black hole._

 _OC!Sakura glosses over uncomfortable facts like a cheetah chasing after the world's most delicious meat . So any narrative from her perspective that deals with uncomfortable things will be reflecting that._

 _I want to do a Naruto movie, but idk which one to do. Halp?_

 ** _Answer:_** _Baby from the Black (or Bronze, or Azure) Dragonflight, uncorrupted._

 ** _Question:_** _How would YOU survive the Ch_ _ū_ _nin Exams, if you were on team 7, or one of the other rookie teams?_


	9. It'll Cost You

" _I actually put the quote at the end of the chapter, jw who reads these."_

 _ **Disclaimer:**_ _I do not own Naruto._

 _ **Warning:**_ _To hell with logic._

* * *

We made our way to the arena as a team, bumping into our former classmates along the way and exchanging pleasant greetings. When we arrived in the arena, my eyes zoomed around to find Kakashi. I was disappointed that I couldn't find him, though.

Then a flash of red caught my attention, just as Hiruzen began his speech.

My eyes zoomed in on a team I did _not_ expect to see. When they hadn't shown up the first couple of days, I feared they had lost _both_ scrolls I had managed to sneak onto their person while I hugged them.

Lo and behold, though, looking extremely battered was one Kusagakure Genin team with a shy Karin who fidgeted nervously. She must have sensed my gaze on her, because she turned around and met my stare. Her eyes lit up with recognition and a smile bloomed across her face.

I instantly smiled back at her, as warmly as I could, hoping she would understand that I wanted to be her friend.

When the Hokage's speech was done, and Hayate motioned for each of us to head up on the balcony before he would announce the first matchup, I reached across the room and grabbed Karin's hand. Both her teammates turned to glare suspiciously at me, before they recognized me.

One of her male teammates whose name was entirely unimportant said, "Hey! You're the one that placed those scrolls on us."

I smiled at Karin, ignoring the male that would never make the cut to be apart of my harem."You should come and join our team, Cutie."

She blushed. "Um—"

"Don't listen to her Karin," the other teammate said. "We should stay together."

"Teams are over by this point. No need for teams to stay together unless they want to," I told the boys. "So Karin-chan can come hang out with me and my friends. Unless you'd _rather_ stay with these two _boys_?"

She hesitated, fidgeting under her teammates' glares before she shook her head. I shot them both triumphant smirks before I tugged on her hand. Hinata and Naruto were waiting for me at the base of the stairs, both smiling warmly at Karin and myself.

"I'm Hyūga Hinata," Hinata introduced herself to the rosy-haired girl.

"U-Uzumaki Karin," Karin replied.

Naruto's eyes widened. " _What_? Did you say Uzumaki?"

Even Hinata was surprised. "Are you Naruto-kun's cousin?"

Karin tilted her head at that, her brow furrowed. "Wh-Who?"

"Talk while we walk, dearies, they want to start the matches," I said, guiding everyone up the stairs. Sasuke looked over at us, his hands stuffed in his pocket as he waited for us to join him. Kiba and Shino gravitated towards our group, and soon Ino's team followed.

Once everyone had arrived, I introduced Karin once more. "Everyone, this is Uzumaki Karin from Kusagakure."

"The idiot has a cousin?" Sasuke asked.

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto," Naruto said quickly to the growing more confused Karin. "A-Are we cousins?"

"We might be," Karin said slowly. "Do you not know a-about our clan?"

" _I have a clan?!"_ Naruto exclaimed, excitement lighting up his eyes.

"The Uzumaki Clan was one of the most powerful clans during the Warring Clans period," I explained to the hero. "They were one of the founding clans that helped create this village. Their hime, Mito-sama, married Hashirama, the very first Hokage Konoha ever had. Unfortunately, during the end of the Second Great War, they were destroyed."

Karin nodded at my explanation. "We had to scatter all over the lands. My family went to Kusagakure. Um. I'm the last member, th-though."

Naruto's face had fallen from our explanation. "Oh." Then it brightened. "So we are cousins?"

"Very likely," Karin tentatively agreed. "S-So you really don't know anything about our clan?"

Naruto shook his head.

"The Uzumaki Clan was renowned for their fūinjutsu," Shikamaru slowly said. "As such, most of their work is classified for Chūnin and above, unless given special permission by a Jōnin."

Before we could continue our conversation, Hiruzen cleared his throat. "The Bye will be given to Uzumaki Karin."

Our eyes drifted up to the screen where Karin's name flashed.

"Oh Thank God," Karin breathed out, her shoulders sagging with utter relief. "I am too exhausted to fight."

"Why is that? I know I put one Heaven and Earth scroll in your bag before the exams started."

"We didn't realize it until the fourth day," Karin admitted sheepishly. "We lost our original scroll, and… and when I realized I had two in my bag we rushed as fast as we could to the tower, but by then we were already so exhausted from trying to get back our first scroll. We only barely made it in time."

"Why did you give _them_ two scrolls and not us?" Ino asked me, glowering.

"Because I had faith in your abilities," I honestly answered her. "I did not have faith in Karin's teammates. Plus she looked like she could use a little help, and I could never turn down a cutie in distress."

Ino's face screwed up, before she smirked and tossed her hair back. "I am pretty amazing, and you were absolutely right to have faith in me. Despite your _decoys_ , we still passed."

"With style and beauty, undoubtedly," I added, giving her a flirtatious wink. Ino giggled and lightly hit on top of my right shoulder.

"Stop it, you," Ino said, giving me a mock-smoldering look and batting her eyelashes.

Hinata stared at the exchange before a snort escaped her lips, and then the three of us burst out into laughter, with some of our teammates alternating between chuckling and looking embarrassed by us.

Then there were some puffs of smoke, and our senseis had arrived to join us on the balcony.

I screamed with happiness before launching myself at Kakashi. "OH MY GOGGLE GODS I MISSED YOU SO MUCH."

"I figured," Kakashi said, patting my back. "A little birdie told me what happened during the forest. Sasuke, when you're finished with your match you'll have to come with me."

Sasuke shrugged, and I tried not to happy-cry because I was so dang happy to see Kakashi and to hug him again. He pried me off him soon enough, though, because Hayate cleared his throat to gather all of our attention.

"The first round will be Sabaku Temari and Nara Shikamaru," Hayate declared.

"GOOD LUCK YOU SEXY WIND-HIME," I called out, making Temari smirk at me from across the room. "KICK HIS ASS."

Shikamaru glared sullenly at the floor of the arena. "I _would_ be first."

"If you lose I will wake you up every day at four AM to go shopping with me," Ino threatened.

Shikamaru paled at his determined teammate.

"I'll help her," I put in.

"Me, too," Hinata giggled.

Shikamaru glared at each of us, before sighing and starting to make his way down to the arena.

Temari taunted him, and Shikamaru ignored her, shooting us tired glares instead. When the match began, Temari half-heartedly threw wind-style attacks, and Shikamaru dodged them every time.

Shikamaru couldn't do anything aside from dodging at the moment, since Temari kept throwing basic ninjutsu at him. I doubt she took the match all too seriously, to be honest (and why would she? She would be promoted to Chūnin regardless of what happened).

Then, Shikamaru actually attacked.

And by that I mean he threw kunai at some of the overhead lights, immediately making the arena darker. She laughed at his poor aim, and then she froze, and we all knew Shikamaru had the match, then.

He knocked her out the same way he knocked out Kin in canon, and Hayate called the match in his favor. Temari woke up shortly after, and gave him the most hateful glare she could before marching right back up to her brothers.

"Good job, you have earned the right to sleep in," I told Shikamaru when he returned.

"Thank—"

"Thank the Goggle Gods for this mercy," I told him.

"Okay. Thank the Goggle Gods," Shikamaru easily agreed.

Hayate coughed loudly. "Next match will be Sakura Haruno against Dosu from Otogakure."

I looked up at Kakashi, my eyes bright. "Kakashi-sensei, if I win my match, can I have another hug?"

"Are you going to throw the match if I say no?"

"No," I admitted quietly, cursing myself for my inability to lie about hugs to Kakashi.

"Then no."

I pouted.

"You can hug me," Hinata and Naruto offered immediately, which made me brighten up and kiss both their cheeks. They both blushed like the cutie patooties they were, and feeling energized I decided to leap down into the arena.

I took a bow. "Hello, person who will lose."

Dosu sneered at me, and Hayate called for the match to begin. Dosu immediately leapt towards me and I danced away from him. With a snarl, he threw himself at me again, and again I leapt away.

The third time he tried to catch me, I leapt away and held out my hand in a gesture of pause.

Dosu eyed me warily, as I relaxed my battle stance, smiling widely. "Hey, um, you know this place used to double as a training ground for ANBU!"

"Your point?" Dosu drawled out.

"I thought it would be fun to leave little gifts for the ANBU," I explained. "Bye bye!"

I remotely triggered two of the explosive tags Hinata and I had buried into the arena. Those said tags happened to be underneath the spot I had corralled Dosu into.

The explosion was immediate, bright, and beautiful. The Genin had no time to react, and endured the entire brunt of the explosion. He soared high up into the air, hit the ceiling and crashed back down like a ragdoll.

The winner was obvious when he didn't move again.

I took a bow as Hayate called the match in my favor before heading back up to my friends.

"Shouldn't that count as cheating?" Karin asked hesitantly when I returned.

"I'm a kunoichi, though," I said as if it explained everything. In my mind, it did.

"Good job, Sakura-chan," Naruto cheered happily.

"Very quick," Hinata praised.

Lapping up their praise, I then turned my hopeful gaze towards Kakashi.

"Well done," Kakashi praised.

I squealed.

 **Praise whore.**

To be frank, most of the matches went on like that—quick, and entirely not dramatic, and a little boring. I mean, not to be mean or anything, but most of us didn't really have some kick ass arsenal up our sleeves. We were _Genin_.

Besides, only one match would have any level of killing intent involved, so there really was no reason to pay super close attention to all of them. Instead, I preferred to talk with my friends, and try to include Karin in as many conversations as humanly possible. Ino quickly got the hint that I wanted to include Karin, so she began to actively ask her questions and whatnot, which got Naruto all excited about having a cousin again so he asked her _loads_ of stuff about the Uzumaki clan.

The third match was Kiba against Chōji, with the Inuzuka barely winning. Next was Gaara facing Zaku, with Gaara turning the fella into a blood smear on the floor. I, of course, cheered for Gaara and called Shukaku-sama a cutie patootie, which earned me a small nod from Gaara.

The fifth match was actually the only dramatic match during the preliminaries.

It was Hinata against Neji.

When Hinata saw the match up, her back straightened and she took a deep breath.

I rubbed her back. "I love and support you. Naruto, tell her you love and support her."

"I like you a lot, and I support you," Naruto added, rubbing her back with me.

Hinata started squeaking, her face red.

"I like you, too, and I support you," Ino chimed in, patting Hinata's head.

"You know I like and support you, too," Kiba said, patting Hinata's shoulder.

Shino patted Hinata's opposite shoulder. "I like you, as well. Why? Because you are a good person. And I support you. Why? Because you are my friend."

"E-E-E-E-E-E-E _very-y-yone!_ ," Hinata half-squeaked-half-wailed as tears filled her eyes and she buried her face in her hands.

"I don't know you very well, but you seem like a nice person, so you have my support, too," Karin hesitantly put in, patting Hinata's arm.

"Hyūga-san?" Hayate inquired politely.

Hinata took another deep breath, her face still as red as Kushina's hair, and wobbly made her way down.

"Are you prepared to meet your destiny, Hinata- _hime_?" Neji spat. "Today you will lose, as the weakling you are."

"I—" Hinata began, then took a deep breath and smooshed her cheeks together. "I am not weak."

"Begin."

He lunged at her with every ounce of hatred he had.

Their punches and kicks were a blur as they rapidly engaged in a terse battle of taijutsu. Neji definitely landed more blows than Hinata, but Hinata had grazed him successfully more than once.

Neji was slowly forcing Hinata back, and after another minute of fighting, Hinata had to leap away, her breaths ragged. Her right arm dangled listlessly at her side, and I noticed that Neji's own left arm was twitching.

' _She must have grazed one of his tenketsus. Not enough to entirely limit his mobility, but enough to make it difficult to utilize._ '

 **Atta girl.**

Then Hinata smiled at Neji, and said, "Now I know why the Goggle Gods told Sakura-chan to have me practice _that_ for so long."

Neji's glare never wavered, until Hinata's chakra _flexed_ and her once useless arm jabbed out and she clenched her right hand into a fist.

Neji's face transformed into shock, before utter frustration took ahold in his eyes. "How?"

"This is a battle that we should have had a long time ago," Hinata said softly. "I'm sorry that only now I am able to face you."

"It doesn't matter," Neji snapped. "You will lose today because _that_ is your destiny."

"Our destinies are greater than a simple exam," Hinata told him. "Our destinies are whatever we can reach for. I know you can do better th-than worry about a silly _test_. You are so much better than that Neji-niisan." Hinata paused and smooshed her cheeks together. " _I_ am bwettah than that."

My heart melted then and there, I swear.

" _Shut up_ ," Neji snarled, throwing himself at Hinata with renewed strength. His blows were brutal and the sounds of chakra slapping against chakra echoed throughout the arena. He forced Hinata step back, after step—

No.

Wait.

 **He's not forcing her back.**

' _She's guiding him somewhere. She's guiding—_ '

Then Hinata jumped high up into the air and landed a little ways from Neji, relaxing her posture.

Neji's face contorted when he realized her posture, and he shifted his stance, preparing to leap at her again.

"Um, Neji-niisan," Hinata said softly, a spark in her eyes, "fair warning, but… _I helped Sakura-chan plant the explosions_."

Neji's eyes widened comically as Hinata remotely detonated another explosion. Neji had a greater reaction time than Dosu, though (he understood Hinata's warning as soon as she said _helped Sakura-chan_ ) and was already on the move.

Unfortunately for him, the explosion was simply to great to entirely avoid. The force knocked him off his path and he soared through the air uncontrollably.

Hinata took that chance and leapt at him as soon as he landed, disabling the rest of the tenketsu in his arms. She kneeled beside him, smiling softly and warmly. "You did wonderfully, Neji-niisan. I am proud to be your c-cousin, and I truly am sorry for all the h-horrors you had to endure throughout the years. You may not believe me, yet, but I h-hope in time you will. I swear, Neji-niisan, as I have won today, I will win against all those out of date traditions in the Hyūga family. _I will change it for the best_."

Neji continued to glare at the shining kunoichi stonily, refusing to say a word. Hinata's smile took on a sadder turn, and she reached out and patted his cheek. "I will gladly take on your hatred now, Neji-niisan, if that's what it takes. I'm sorry I was not strong enough before."

His glare faltered for a moment, and the wounded child looked away from the bright princess.

Hinata looked up at the proctor. "He will have to be taken to the urgency care to treat his injuries. May I go with him?"

Hayate nodded. "Yes. You have my permission."

When the stretcher took Neji away, Hinata followed after him, the warmth never leaving her smile as she looked after him.

' _Hail the Therapy-no-Jutsu via Hina-chan!_ '

"Hinata's a badass," Naruto exclaimed.

I nodded my head. "Yep. 'At's my girl.

The next match was Naruto against Shino, and I think we all know how utterly unfair that was for Shino. Naruto won, then it was time for Sasuke's match. The Uchiha was still fairly groggy, but luckily for him he was against Ino who was reluctant to _really_ harm him.

That being said, she _did_ honestly try. She knew she wouldn't stand a chance in taijutsu, so she threw kunai after kunai at him, with some bombs added in occasionally. She made him keep his distance for a while, but unfortunately for her that wasn't enough to defeat the determined boy with duck-ass hair. Sasuke won his match, and then was ushered away by Kakashi and several other Jōnin.

Ino pouted at losing, but took it fairly well. Next match was Kankurō against Lee, and that one was actually rather funny after Lee demolished Kankurō's puppet with one kick thinking it was Kankurō. The puppet master forfeited immediately afterwards, which left Lee a little disappointed.

Lastly, was Kin against Tenten, and that fight was much more evenly matched than the other ones had been, with Tenten scoring a solid victory with a few scrapes and bruises. Kakashi came back about halfway through that match and accepted my hug without much resistance, while I continued to talk with those around me.

Our latest talk had devolved into an argument over what was the greatest movie of all time, with the Yuki-hime movies being pitied against some weird dragon movie that had absolutely no romance in it whatsoever. Then again, neither did Yuki-hime movies, but at least she had a nice butt to admire during the entire movie.

When the last preliminary was over, Hayate called for our attention back up on the screen.

 **Round One**

Hinata Hyūga VS Shikamaru Nara

 **Round Two**

Sakura Haruno VS Tenten

 **Round Three**

Naruto Uzumaki VS Kiba Inuzuka

 **Round Four**

Karin Uzumaki VS Lee Rock

 **Round Five**

Uchiha Sasuke VS Gaara

 **Round Six**

Winner of Round One VS Winner of Round Two

 **Round Seven**

Winner of Round Three VS Winner of Round Four

 **Round Eight**

A free-for-all of the winners of Round Five, Six, and Seven.

"The final part of the exam will be held in one month, tournament style. The screen shows who you will be facing for your first match. Further information will be provided by your senseis within a week. Dismissed."

I leapt towards Kakashi, throwing my arms around him and burying my face in his side. I felt him sigh, then proceed to ignore me as he addressed Naruto. "We'll meet up tomorrow around noon, same training ground. Grats on all of you making this far."

"Will you give me private lessons, Kakashi-sensei?" I pleaded, batting my eyes at him. "I promise I'll be a good girl. Unless you would rather I be a _bad—_ "

"Bye," Kakashi said abruptly before substituting himself with Naruto and disappearing in a puff of smoke. I sighed as I began to absently stroke Naruto's fluffy hair. Naruto immediately draped an arm around my waist and started to pet my own hair.

"Well," I began, then cleared my throat, "all beautiful people look my way, please."

Ino's head turned towards me, along with Kiba.

"I said _all_ beautiful people. Shikamaru, Chōji, Karin, Shino, turn your heads my way."

After they complied, I beamed. "Let's have a party at my place right now! To celebrate surviving the exams so far."

"That doesn't seem like much of an accomplishment to celebrate," Kiba said dubiously.

I pointedly look at the blood stain that was all that was left of Gaara's opponent.

"I'm okay to party," Ino declared. "Shikamaru, Chōji, you two better come along _or else_."

"But—" Shikamaru began, but was cut off from Ino's fiery look.

"Can we have pizza?" Naruto asked.

"Of course, dear," I said, "in fact, why don't you go invite Hina-chan for me, and I'll go get the party set up. Everyone be there in an hour, or face my wrath. Muahaha."

"Okay," Naruto agreed, releasing me and hurrying off.

Ino smiled at me. "Will it turn into a sleep over?"

I winked at her. "You can sleep with me any time you want, honey."

"Um," Karin began hesitantly, "I'm really flattered, but I have to stay with my team. Since we don't live in Konoha, we have a curfew while we stay here during the exam."

"Boo. Fine."

"Let's hang out some other time, then!" Naruto declared.

"EVERYONE. MEET UP AT MY PLACE IN TWO HOURS."

* * *

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* * *

A few hours later and the party had started off. We decided to change into pajamas because Ino made a rule that I couldn't pants people if they wore pajamas, so everyone rapidly went back home to grab pajamas. They would be back shortly, though, and while I waited for them I did a few yoga stretches in my bedroom.

Because when they did return, I would initiate a rousing game of Killer (one person plays the serial killer and everyone else has to run away and not get caught by the killer. No one attack the killer, but the killer can man-handle everyone else. Basically like tag and hide and go seek, but with serial killers and victims. Special rules could be added to the mix, such as the killer can place booby traps, and only certain victims are able to disarm them, etc. Or light can "weaken" the killer.).

During one of my poses, I paused, though, because someone special grabbed my attention.

I felt him before I saw him. As soon as I felt his presence, I threw open my window and halfway hung out of it in excitement. "Kakashi-sensei!"

Kakashi, who was crouching vertically on the wall beside my window gave me an eye-smile and small wave. "Evening, Sakura-chan."

"Are you here for the party?" I asked him, twisting my body around so I sat on the windowsill with my back facing outwards. I stretched my arms out to him, in hopes he might accept my hug despite the fact that I had already used up my allotted physical contact of the day.

"Do you have a moment to talk?" Kakashi asked instead.

"Always for you."

He eye-smiled once more before leaning forward. My arms snaked around his neck and he immediately picked me up before leaping off my house and taking us to the rooftop of the nearest tall building. Once there, he released me and I plopped onto the concrete roof, tying my fluffy pink robe tighter. My back was pressed up against the small stone fence that surrounded the roof, and Kakashi took a seat beside me, his legs stretched out.

Entirely unabashed, I leaned into him.

He shoved me off.

I leaned into him again.

He shoved me off, again.

I leaned back into him.

He gave a sigh.

"What did you wanna talk about?" I asked him, my right hand slowly inching towards his left hand that was in his lap.

"Do you know someone by the name of Obito Uchiha?"

"Of course," I told him, nodding my head. "He's a fellow disciple of the Goggle Gods. When the time has come, and I proved myself worthy, he shall descend from the Rosy Moon and share with me the Rainbow Stick Story."

Kakashi turned his head and for the first time I saw a look of genuine disbelief on his face. "What."

"It's true," I told him. "The Goggle Gods whispered it to me in a dream."

" _That's_ how you know him? You… you _dreamed_ about him?"

"Yeah," I confirmed. "I've dreamed about you, too. The Goggle Gods granted me enlightenment through Kishimoto-ue."

"You dreamed about _me_?"

I nodded. "Of course."

He shook his head, looking up at the stars. "Why do I feel like you honestly believe this?"

"I would never lie about the Goggle Gods," I answered. "And I would never lie to _you_ , Kakashi-sensei."

"Really."

"About important stuff," I amended. "I would totally lie to you if it gave me the opportunity to steal your shirts and pants, or for a fantastic prank."

"Thanks for the warning," he muttered dryly.

I gently took his hand, giving it a firm squeeze before releasing it and placing both my hands in my lap.

"Is that all you wanted to ask about?"

He was quiet for a couple of minutes before he gave another sigh and said, "Yes."

"Okay." I gave his arm a quick kiss (since it was the only thing at my eye level and I doubt he would be okay if I kissed his cheek) before I stood up and stretched. I brushed off the bits of dirt that had gotten onto my robe. "You're welcome to come to the party with me."

"I'll have to decline."

"For now," I allowed, then I smiled at him as brightly and warmly as I could. "I love you, Kakashi-sensei. I sincerely hope you have a good night."

"You can't _say_ that so easily," Kakashi told me, finally looking away from the sky and back at me. "You take that word too lightly."

"No, I don't," I disagreed, frowning at him. "I say I love you because I do. I've seen you for who you are, Kakashi-sensei, and I love what I've seen. Even if you return to a rule-obsessed angsty little preteen, I'll still love ya. I'll still be by your side, and I'll support you however I can."

He stared at me, then stood up, clearly getting ready to leave.

"I don't love you the same way I love Naruto," I clarified for him. "Be prepared to be pursued heavily when I'm old enough."

" _What the hell do you call this, then?!_ "

"Harmless teasing," I said with a saucy wink.

He made a funny frustrated noise, then disappeared in a puff.

I gave a woeful sigh. "Well. If it doesn't work out I'll have to find a way for Kisame-sama to agree to be my backup plan, or better yet, live it out harem style."

* * *

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* * *

 **31 Days Until the Tournament**

I woke up in between two warm bodies and I gave a blissful sigh. The girl on my left gave a mumble, while the girl on the right curled closer. My eyes slowly opened, and I looked over to find Ino body hugging a giant fluffy cat pillow on my left, her back pressed against me and only the top of her head peeking out from under the covers. On my right was Hinata, using my stomach as a pillow and curled up into a tight little ball of cuteness.

I relished the moment.

' _Waking up surrounded by awesome and adorable people is how every morning should start,_ ' I thought decidedly.

There was a snort, and a sigh and I looked up to find a curled up Naruto hugging his pillow and snoring lightly.

I knew Shikamaru was likely on the opposite side of him, with Chōji right beside him, relishing being able to sleep in. The poor Nara would never be allowed to sleep in as late as he wanted if he stayed at home (which ws likely why he all too easily agreed to stay over, and encouraged Ino's idea of a sleep over).

I knew Kiba and Shino were sleeping somewhere nearby, but I couldn't see them with my current angle since I was still on the floor being cuddled by two of my dearest friends.

Some time around three last night, everyone realized how late it was and how tired they were. Kaa-chan had stayed up with all of us, creating snack after snack, followed by some cake and brownies, and all sorts of sugary goodness that I would _never_ be allowed to eat so much of in one night if it weren't for having a party. She insisted that all of us stayed over for the night after Ino mentioned a slumber party, and proceeded to grab a plethora of blankets and pillows (more than I even knew we had). We all moved the furniture in the living room around to give us some space, before we laid everything out and tried to fall asleep.

Obviously we didn't fall asleep until, like, five, but still.

The smell of bacon had been what originally woke me up, and I knew the others would be waking up, too.

No one could resist Kaa-chan's bacon with pancake batter poured over them and cooked to a perfect golden brown.

 _No one_.

There was a quiet bark, and I heard some moans slowly fill the room. Ino mumbled and I felt her stretch beside me, tugging on some of the blankets we shared. Hinata sat up slowly, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and yawning widely.

"Good morning beautiful ladies," I greeted, sitting up and hugging Hinata. The princess mumbled a soft reply, groggily hugging me in return. Ino sat up by that point, and leaned heavily on me.

"I smell bacon," Naruto whispered, sitting up and rubbing his face.

"You would be correct," Kaa-chan called out from the kitchen. "Bacon, pancakes, eggs, hashbrowns, toast… I've got breakfast ready for everyone."

"Praise be to breakfast," I heard Chōji declare.

Like one mob of groggy preteens, we got out of our sleeping mats, bags, and nest of blankets and congregated into the kitchen to help ourselves to the buffet-style breakfast Kaa-chan had set up.

Once we had all grabbed food, we gathered on the floor of the living room and ate, quietly talking with one another as we still woke up.

Kiba took a long swig of orange juice before he grimaced. "Last night was crazy. I can't believe how intense that game of Killer got."

"I take everything up to an eleven," I said. "Every night is wild with me."

"I believe it," Kiba agreed, shoving a pancake in his mouth. "Fucking intense."

"Watch that mouth of yours," Ino immediately scolded. "Don't fucking use that foul ass language in the presence of a lady."

She then giggled at her irony, which made Hinata and me giggle, too.

Naruto, who was sitting on the opposite side of me, reached over to grab some of my bacon and I immediately swatted his hand away. He grabbed some more anyway. I gave an offended noise, and Hinata immediately placed some bacon on my plate, and I gave her a bright smile in return.

"What time is it, anyway?" Naruto asked, eating my bacon.

Kaa-chan poured me another glass of strawberry milk. "Almost noon."

"Ah, we have to go meet with Kakashi-sensei," I remembered.

Naruto moaned. "Ugh. He'll probably be late anyway. Even if he isn't, bastard deserves to wait on us for a change."

"I don't want to keep him waiting," I fretted.

Ino reached behind Hinata and patted my shoulder. "Sakura-chan, think of it this way: he'll have to think about you while he waits for you. Don't you want him thinking about you?"

"Ooo. You make an excellent point." I then nodded. "Very well, we'll eat then go meet up with everyone."

"Woo!" Naruto cheered.

* * *

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* * *

We met up with Kakashi about an hour later, and I hug-tackled him per usual. I was surprised that Sasuke wasn't there, but then when I thought about it, it wasn't all that surprising.

Kakashi pried me off him. "I have a sensei scheduled to meet with you both and help you train for the tournament. I will be taking Sasuke away for private lessons."

Naruto glared. "What the hell? Why does he get special lessons while _you_ pawn off on someone else?"

"I'm the only one who can teach him to use the Sharingan," Kakashi began, "in addition, you both know about the Curse Mark so you should understand why it's important for him to be isolated."

I whined. "Kakashi-sensei, I can't go a whole month without you, though. That's too cruel."

"Sakura-chan," Kakashi said, his tone firm, but taking a gentler tone, " You can't come with us, and I need you to _not_ try and find us through your sensing ability. I have no doubt that if you put your mind to it, you could track us down, but the entire point of us leaving is to _avoid_ contact with others. Not only for Sasuke's sake, but yours, as well."

An entire month without Kakashi would _suck_ , but given that it was during the exams, it was fine by me. I understood very well why it was important for Sasuke to stay away from others while the seal had time to mature and properly prevent Sasuke's Curse Mark from spreading. If Sasuke were to completely lose control, Kakashi might have to repress him and I was certain he wouldn't want either of us to see that happen.

In addition, _the_ Jiraiya would be coming into the village and I was beyond stoked to finally meet, hug, and fangirl over him.

So, yes, I could deal with Kakashi running off for a month (even if it would be one of the longest months of my life, and that was counting during my first life when my mother took me off her trial medication to see what kind of symptoms of withdrawal I experienced).

 _But_ I couldn't resist the potential bribery practically _begging_ me to take advantage of.

As a Haggler of Life, I took it upon myself to make the most out of every opportunity given to me. It would be utterly shameful of me to ignore such an easy situation.

I gave him a wide-eyed puppy dog look. "But… Kakashi-sensei! Oh, _fine_ , but only if you give me a kiss on the cheek when you return. I won't accept anything less."

I knew that was probably never going to happen, but I had to highball now with a kiss on the cheek in order to get the perfectly reasonable _two_ hugs when he returned.

"Fine," Kakashi agreed, "now that that's settled—"

I gasped, my heart soaring.

"—Ebisu will be arriving here shortly. Behave. No butt grabs. Don't try to look for us. Bye!"

Then he was gone, and I never felt more happy in my entire life.

"Sakura-chan? Your face is a little red, are you okay?"

"Mm-hmm!"

* * *

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* * *

I chose not to stick around to meet Ebisu. I had nothing against the man, of course, but I knew he would only want to enhance the basics, and I was already doing that on my own. I needed someone who could _actually_ help me in the upcoming tournament.

That, and I didn't want to chance ruining Naruto's meeting with his godfather.

So, off to the library I went in search of ninjutsu I could learn and use for my upcoming fight with Tenten.

The librarian greeted me with a warm, tired smile, instantly recognizing me. I returned a few of the medical texts I had finished thoroughly memorizing before inquiring where I could find ninjutsu scrolls for Genin rank or below.

Elemental jutsus were forbidden from academy students, but some were allowed to be checked out for Genin.

My nature was earth—doton—which was fan-friggin-tastic since I was going for a poison-support-iryo/medical thing. Ideally I could hide behind some bomb-ass walls while peppering the battlefield with poisons and waiting for them to take effect. At least that was the end goal I had in mind for my offense.

I searched the library for any form of wall-like-jutsu I could use, and after an hour of searching I found what I was looking for. I checked out the scroll, and headed to our usual training grounds.

I wasn't too surprised that Naruto and Ebisu were no longer there—likely Ebisu wanted Naruto to "perfect" water-walking (which wasn't a bad idea, since Naruto and Sasuke both still struggled to fight while water-walking at the same time) and took him to the hot springs.

After looking over the instructions for the jutsu several times, I began the process of learning to draw upon my elemental chakra. I had plenty of experience of manipulating elemental chakra, since I had to purge it from my own chakra before I could use Shōsen. It was simple enough to focus on it exclusively.

Of course that didn't mean I mastered the technique instantly, or with a lot of ease. It was something new, and a lot of ninjutsus worked like muscle memory (with your chakra acting as a muscle). It took time and a _lot_ of practice before your body and your chakra could create the technique without much thought.

Not to mention that while I had been steadily increasing my reserves, they were still below average for Genin. My civilian background prevented me from having the genetic advantage like many of my friends; and consequentially I had to work twice as hard to have an "average" amount of chakra. On the bright side, thanks to my amazing chakra control, I could utilize what little I had for maximum impact.

I worked on jutsu throughout the day and well into the night. I decided that I would work on it for a few more days before I checked on Naruto, and hopefully meet Jiraiya.

* * *

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* * *

 **Twenty nine days until the tournament.**

`I knocked on Naruto's door well before sunrise, one breakfast for five (courtesy of Kaa-chan) in hand. There was a minute of silence before the door opened and a groggy Naruto stood before me.

He beamed as soon as he saw me and hug-tackled me. "Sakura-chan!"

"Good morning, my son," I greeted him, kissing his cheek. "How has your training been?"

"It's okay," Naruto said, pulling away from me and ushering me inside. "I'm actually training with this huge pervert now. He reminds me a lot of you, actually, except nowhere near as fun and cuddly."

"Aww. You say the sweetest things," I cooed, holding up the giant bento box. "Kaa-chan made us breakfast. Howsabout ya introduce me to your new sensei today?"

Naruto agreed immediately, all too happily accepting the bento box and beginning to eat three out of the five meals, while I ate the other two.

Hey. Shinobi / Kunoichi metabolisms combined with puberty was nothing short of demanding. Akimichi _literally_ had to be constantly eating extremely fatty foods in order to gain weight, and keep a decent amount of fat in their system.

We ate our breakfast, and Naruto put on a pot of tea for us. Once we were satisfied, he went about getting ready for the day and by about eight hundred we headed off to meet Jiraiya.

It was a bit of walk to get to the secluded forest on the outskirts of Konoha, but it was enjoyable since Naruto had plenty to talk about.

When we arrived, Jiraiya was already there, sitting on a tree stump with his arms folded across his chest.

I squealed upon seeing him, causing him to jump, and then I threw myself at him with my arms outstretched. "JIRAIYA-SAMA!"

"Whoa this is a first," Jiraiya said, accepting my hug-tackle, and patting the top of my head. "Who's the cutie?"

"This is my best friend Sakura-chan," Naruto explained. "She wanted to meet you."

"I love you," I told Jiraiya. "I am a _huge_ fan of yours. I haven't read your _Icha Icha_ , yet, but I want you to know that I am another Mega Super Pervert in the making."

"Really," Jiraiya chuckled.

"It's true," Naruto said, "she has her own harem."

" _Really_?"

"Ah, also, I have a big of a favor to ask you," I began, blushing in embarrassment. "I'm not allowed to leave the village over personal missions since I'm a Genin, and the Goggle Gods told me you would be heading towards that direction when you looked for Boozy Princess."

"What," Jiraiya deadpanned.

Naruto frowned. "What did the Goggle Gods tell you now?"

"I need the Salamander Summons," I explained, pulling out a small map I had drawn and giving it to Jiraiya. "The Goggle Gods told me that Hanzo-sama disowned his Salamanders during a fit of paranoia and hid them away here."

"What," Jiraiya repeated.

"When you rescue the Boozy Princess," I continued, nonplussed, "you'll pass by where he put the scroll. If you could bring that back to me, I can make it worth your while."

Jiraiya squinted at me. "You make absolutely no sense. For starters, why would I agree to this?"

I smiled at him. "I'm the greatest wingman you will ever encounter. You will never be without research with me around."

"I _highly_ —"

Naruto shook his head. "She's not someone you doubt, Pervy-Sage."

"Let me prove it to you," I offered. "I'll come back here around seven tonight, and I'll treat you to a night out. If, for some odd reason, you don't get a swarm of women around you or have the time of your life, then I'll buy you lunch every day until the exams are over. If I do fulfill my end of the bargain, though, you bring me the Salamanders."

"You're a box full of crazy aren't you."

"And fun."

"Okay. If I get bored an hour in, though, I'm taking my food and leaving."

"You have yourself a deal."

* * *

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* * *

 **3 AM the following morning**

"So do we have ourselves a deal?" I asked Jiraiya, looking down at him while he was being hand-fed and doted upon by three beautiful darlings who cooed at him.

He looked up at me, a little drunk, but with a wide, wide smile on his face. "Sakura. You and I are going to get along great."

"I know. Praise be to the Goggle Gods."

"Praise be to the Goggle Gods."

* * *

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* * *

 **Twenty five days until the tournament.**

I sat beside Hinata while she worked on her calligraphy, filling her in on what Naruto was doing for training. Today she was resting from the intense training her father was putting her through in preparation for facing Temari.

"Naruto-kun is amazing," Hinata declared when I had finished. "To be trained by a Sannin, no less. He must be so strong."

"Jiraiya-sama is the super-powered male version of me," I told her.

"Jiraiya-sama must be wonderful," Hinata decided, setting down her brush and turning to face me fully. "How is your training going, Sakura-chan?"

"Pretty well. I've got a sturdy wall, but not sure if it'll hold up under Tenten's attack. How about you?"

"Well," Hinata said with a bright smile. "It is a poor match up for me, since my style is taijutsu dominant and that would make it exceedingly easy for Shikamaru to capture me with his technique, but father has a plan and we've been working on it for a while."

I felt genuinely happy to see Hinata look so at ease, confident, and sincerely happy. She was nothing like she was just a handful of months ago, and the fact that _I_ was part of the reason for that change warmed me like a gentle fire on a cold day.

"Excuse me," Hiashi said, as he opened the door to Hinata's room. He gave me a terse nod, and a thin smile to Hinata. "Will you be accompanying us for lunch and a spar, Sakura?"

"I never say no to free food."

 **Seventeen days until the tournament.**

I gave Karin's hand a squeeze as I guided her through Konoha and gave her the grand tour. We hadn't been able to meet up much, as her instructor didn't want her wandering off without supervision (especially since she was the only one from their village to make it to the finals, which made her all levels of nervous). It took much needling on my part before her instructor would allow her to walk around the village with me.

Karin took every sight in with bright eyes. There were a few times she felt anxious, since Konoha was so big in comparison to Kusa she wasn't use to large crowds of people, but when that happened we always took a break.

I met up with Hinata and Ino with Karin, and the four of us spent part of the day touring Konoha, and the other half of the day doing mock-spars. When it was time to return Karin due to her curfew, we left the young Uzumaki feeling happy and hopeful.

I sincerely hoped she would stay in touch in the years to follow, and that I did _enough_ to keep her happy when (if?) she left with Orochimaru.

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* * *

 **Ten days until the tournament.**

I slept in a bit that day, only getting up when Kaa-chan came up to wake me up with kisses and tickles. I decided to spend the day recovering, since I had been working nonstop on my plan against Tenten. I figured the invasion would probably still happen around the same time as canon—during Sasuke's and Gaara's match—and there wouldn't be much point preparing to fight Hina-chan (I had absolute faith in her ability to defeat Shikamaru).

Even if, for some reason, I did fight her, I would likely forfeit. Winning was way more important to her than it was to me. _Icha Icha_ was nice, but making Hinata smile was priceless.

I had picked up one other ninjutsu to learn for my fight with Tenten, and I found it was pretty easy to get the hang of. It didn't require nearly as much chakra as creating thick walls.

Kaa-chan patted my hair, and motioned for me to sit with her on the couch. "What are your plans today, Sa-chan? More training?"

"I'm going to rest today," I told her. "I need to figure out how to make one of the poisons I wanna use. It's a fast acting sedative that the enemy only has to breathe in."

"Like a sleeping gas?"

"Yeah. I'm not very good at chemistry, though."

Kaa-chan tuttered. "I don't believe that for a second. Cooking is chemistry, you know."

"Cooking is a different kind of chemistry than making _poisons_."

"I bet not," Kaa-chan declared. "Tell you what, why don't _I_ help you with it today? I bet I could show you a thing or two. You may be good in the kitchen, but you still have a lot to learn, little Sa-chan!"

Rolling my eyes, I kissed her cheek. "I know, I know. But, hey, if you wanna help I won't say no!"

Kaa-chan beamed.

And what do you know.

Kaa-chan could make poisons.

Guess it wasn't too different from cooking, after all.

* * *

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* * *

 **Day of the tournament.**

On the day of the tournament, I woke up to a glorious breakfast and Kaa-chan and Tou-chan doting on me. The sheer pride rolling off the two of them made my tummy flip-flop pleasantly, and my chest feel warm with their love. The three of us walked to the tournament together, before I had to go.

"Bye-bye," I told them, kissing each of their cheeks.

"We're so proud of you, Sa-chan," Kaa-chan told me, kissing my forehead.

"Kick some ass for us, okay?" Tou-chan ruffled my hair and kissed the top of my head.

"I will," I promised them. They went off to find their seats, and I went off the competitor balcony where Naruto and Hinata were already waiting for me. Shikamaru arrived shortly afterwards, followed by Karin, then Tenten and Lee. Gaara came next, and I greeted him with a cheerful wave and introducing him to my precious people. Kiba was the last to arrive, and he was as boisterous as he could be.

We talked quietly with one another until Genma called for the exam to begin. He launched into a speech to get the crowd going, and Naruto asked me quietly, "Sense Kakashi-sensei and the bastard?"

I shook my head. "No. They'll come, though, don't worry. It'll just be fashionably late."

Naruto snorted at that.

Genma's voice carried over our conversation, "... our first match today will be against two of our very own. The Hyūga heiress, Hinata, and the Nara heir, Shikamaru."

There was some excited cheering, while said people began to head down.

"KICK HIS ASS HINA-CHAN," I screamed out at her.

"I LIKE YOU BOTH AND SUPPORT YOU BOTH," Naruto shouted.

"HINA-CHAN IS WAY CUTER!"

Shikamaru sighed. "We have loud friends."

Hinata giggled before she bowed graciously to Shikamaru. "Good luck, Shikamaru-san."

"You, too," Shikamaru mumbled.

Genma motioned for them to begin, and right away Hinata danced away from Shikamaru's shadows.

She maneuvered gracefully away from each of his attacks, fluttering about like a butterfly. There wasn't any bit of hesitation from her, and each of her movements were fluid and confident. Several times she would throw an explosive note towards Shikamaru to keep him on her toes, but for the most part she danced.

After many minutes, Shikamaru with his shadows, leaving the princess to stand alone in the center of the arena. Then a smile bloomed across her face and she _moved_ with a speed I had never seen her possess. She crossed the distance between the two in a matter of seconds, twisting her body and shadow just barely out of Shikamaru's reach.

Her hands moved and a flash of light filled the entire arena.

' _She used a flash bang!_ '

When the light cleared, Hinata was already creating distance again, and Shikamaru's arms dangled uselessly beside him.

He gave a low groan. "Forfeit. There's no way I could overcome this without serious damage to myself."

The crowd roared its approval, and Hinata immediately went over to Shikamaru to unblock his tenketsus. The two of them returned to our balcony, where I hugged Hinata and congratulated her.

"The next match-up is against two of our aspiring Kunoichi. Tenten Higurashi against Sakura Haruno!"

I swung over the railing and dropped down into the arena, while Tenten followed behind me using the stairs at a much calmer pace.

I took a bow towards Tenten, and she amicably returned it with one of her own. She looked up and smiled at me. "Let's both have a good fight, ne?"

"Yep!" I agreed. "May the Goggle Gods watch over us."

"Uh, sure."

" _Begin_!"

Right off the bat Tenten threw open one of her scrolls and began to throw a barrage of weapons towards me. Anticipating that, I had already summoned up a decent sized wall to protect myself from the barrage. Within seconds, I pulled out one of the gas bombs I created and buried it inside the ground.

Another few seconds and I leapt away from the wall, just in time for her to toss in a bomb to completely destroy my once-safe spot. She noticed me immediately, and began to focus her long-ranged attacks from me, but I was already calling up another wall.

By the time I planted another gas bomb, she had destroyed my wall again. Our dance continued for three more walls (I was slowly circling her, and now her back was turned to where I had planted my first two bombs), before she let out a growl of frustration. "Enough! You won't be able to hide or defend from _this_ …! _Sōshōryū!_ "

Tenten summoned two scrolls from her side and leapt up into the air.

I gave a wince, knowing I wouldn't be able to entirely hide behind a wall for her attack. I had to do my best dodging on my own, and what injuries I gathered I would have to heal somehow throughout the match.

Using every inch of my reflexes and honed skills, I began to focus entirely on dodging weapon after weapon. They flew with enough force that that they dug into the ground with small bits of explosion, obscuring both our views. Many of them still grazed me, though, and I could feel blood drip down my arms and legs.

I heard Tenten land on the ground, and I knew that she would soon pull upon the wires and begin her second barrage.

I had only a second to react.

" _Doryūsō!_ " I shouted out, creating the bird seal. My chakra lashed out instantaneously to three of the gas bombs I had planted (now behind Tenten). Doryūsō was a high C-Rank ninjutsu that created small spears from the ground that launched themselves at a target. The range and power behind the spears weren't significant enough to use often in combat, but they could be used underneath the user to give them a boost, or to launch something else.

I used them to launch the gas bombs directly at Tenten from behind her.

Her head snapped around, but she couldn't fully dodge the three poisonous explosions that bombarded her. She gave a gasp, dropping to her knees and clutching at her throat.

While she struggled to breathe (it only hurt to breathe in, and wasn't toxic), I called upon my Shōsen and healed the worst of my scratches. By the time I had healed up five injuries, Tenten had effectively passed out.

Genma nodded at her. "Winner, Sakura Haruno."

The crowd roared and I took a bow. Medics came out to carry Tenten away, and one of them turned to me to inquire about the poison.

"Sedative," I reassured them, "she'll wake up in an hour on her own."

When I returned to the other contestants, Hinata and Naruto gave me congratulatory hugs. "Great job, Sakura-chan! I knew you could do it. Hey, hey, that was a poison, right? Does that mean you can make your own poisons now?"

"That poison I actually made with my kaa-chan," I told Naruto.

Naruto gasped. "Your kaa-chan knows _everything_."

I nodded. "She's almost as knowledgeable as the Goggle Gods."

" _Wow_!"

"Our third match will be Kiba Inuzuka against Naruto Uzumaki," Genma called out. Naruto and Kiba both let out joyful yips and jumped off the balcony in a scramble to reach the center of the arena first.

Genma called for it to begin, and Naruto created about forty clones.

Their match was nothing but a slug fest. Not once did Naruto go in himself, but he kept sending clones, after clones, after clones to fight Kiba and Akamaru. Unfortunately for the partnered duo there was no real way to tell the difference between the real Naruto and the clones without the Byakugan or making the clones dispel.

So while Kiba was fighting hoards of clones (and growing increasingly frustrated), Naruto started setting up booby traps (burying explosive tags, for example) and guiding his enemy to them through the clones.

It was rather funny, and a little sad, to watch the entire match. It was completely one-sided and surprisingly cunning of Naruto.

One explosion was enough to throw Kiba off his balance for the hoards to dog pile on him and knock him out.

"Winner, Naruto Uzumaki!"

Naruto bowed repeatedly towards the cheering crowd before making his way back up towards us and giving me a thumbs-up. Kiba had to be carried away in a stretcher.

"You're my little trapper, aren't you," I cooed, rushing towards him and patting his head.

"As the King of Pranks, I can't have you be the better booby trapper," he told me seriously.

"As the Queen of Pranks, I accept your challenge."

He stared at me. "This is a war you won't win, Sakura-chan. I won't have mercy on a rival, even if it's you."

I winked at him. "Honey, you can't handle my level of madness."

"At dawn tomorrow we go to war, then."

"To the victor, the spoils."

"What am I going to do with you two?" Hinata sighed, looking at us both endearingly.

"Love us," we said in perfect unison then grinned at each other.

"Our next match will be against Karin Uzumaki, and Lee Rock…"

All of us turned towards the extremely nervous Karin, and we started to wish her good luck. Lee gave her an encouraging smile. "Not to worry, fair maiden. Let's have a good fight."

"Y-Yeah," Karin stammered, looking sick.

The two headed down to the arena, and Hinata, Naruto, and I moved over to the balcony to watch. Shikamaru joined on the opposite side of Naruto to watch.

"Begin!"

My heart skipped a beat when I sensed Kakashi (and Sasuke, I guess). They both appeared in the contestant booth while Karin struggled to keep pace with Lee. Lee could see his opponent was clearly below his level, and he was taking care not to severely injure her. He gave her time to recover between each attack, while throwing in some encouraging words for her to not give up.

There was a swirl of leaves and a puff of smoke, and Kakashi and Sasuke appeared behind us.

Naruto beamed. "Bastard! You made it."

Faster than what my eyes could follow, I felt a pressure on my right cheek, and then it was gone and Kakashi was giving me an eye-smile. "Thanks for leaving us be."

I spluttered. "Wait—did you—OH MY GOD THAT DOES NOT COUNT. I DID NOT HAVE TIME TO PREPARE!"

"You didn't specify _when_ ," Kakashi told me.

"Damn my inability to be specific," I cursed myself, then I latched onto him and hugged him as tight as I could. "I have thirty hugs to make up for."

Kakashi patted my back. Sasuke cleared his throat. "So what did we miss?"

"Hinata-chan won her match against Shikamaru," Naruto began, making Hinata blush when he gave her an appraising look. "Then Sakura-chan won against Tenten. I, of course, beat Kiba with my awesomeness, and now we're watching Karin fight Bushy-brows."

I nuzzled Kakashi's chest, relishing the fact that he wasn't pushing me away.

Sasuke looked over at Gaara, who leaned against the wall and watched everyone with half-lidded eyes and barely restrained killing intent.

"Winner, Lee Rock!"

Our eyes drifted back towards the arena where Karin was being carried away in a stretcher, entirely unconscious (not not actually looking too bad, considering). Lee gave her an apologetic look before he returned to the balcony.

"Guess I'm next," Sasuke said, hopping over the railing. Gaara was already moving towards the center of the arena, an excited smile on his face.

"Then it will be me and you, Sakura-chan," Hinata said, smiling warmly at me. "Let's both do our best, okay?"

"You're too cute to fight," I protested. "But if you really want me to give it my all, you know I could never refuse you."

"I would appreciate it," Hinata told me.

I turned my face back into Kakashi, already knowing exactly how Sasuke and Gaara's fight would go. Fate-no-Jutsu would strike again, I bet.

Kakashi absent-mindedly rubbed my back, and then I felt Naruto inch towards us and I wrapped him to our hug, and the two of us hugged Kakashi with him patting both of our backs.

"This counts as all thirty hugs," Kakashi told me, "if I let you both hug me for another five minutes."

"Deal."

"Hugs are addictive," Naruto whispered.

"You guys… are really close," Shikamaru commented.

Hinata giggled. "Isn't it adorable?"

"That's one way of looking at it, I suppose."

"It's wonderful to see such passion students have for their teachers," Lee declared excitedly. "I embrace Gai-sensei as often as I can!"

Then the piercing scream of Gaara filled the arena, and hell broke loose.

* * *

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* * *

 _You can't make me write out a serious / long fight scene. Fuck that shit. And yeah, I decided to do the exams in 3 chapters. You'll see why I hadda cut it off right before the invasion in the next chapter._

 _Get your tissues and comfort ready for the next chapter because it's time for that good old angst seasoning._

 _I think I spoiled the three optional endings I'm doing for this story if I decide not to pull a Nao. WHOOPSIE._

 _SarahGarciaDonaire (deviantART) drew the wedding picture of Kakashi and Sakura. Kakashi's expression is priceless._

 _Curlyfryarmagheddon (deviantART) also drew a chibi fanart of Sakura._

 _Both fanart links on on my profile, or you can view them on their deviantART accounts. :)_

 _ **Kakashi**_ _: Making my way downtown, walking fast—_

 _ **Sakura**_ _: Sensei!_

 _ **Kakashi**_ _: wALKING FASTER_

 _I had another episode so I haven't had the time to edit this. Please let me know if you see typos._

 _Reviews are_ _ **love**_ _._


	10. Introducing Brightheart

_**Disclaimer:** I, Darkpetal16, do not own Naruto._

 _ **Warning:** This chapter is 50% angst and 50% comfort. Then we'll be back to happy and love._

 _"I saw a dumbass put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill at the gym."_

 _-Anon_

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* * *

Feathers fell gently around us, and I felt the genjutsu wanting to take a hold of me. I immediately dispelled it out, disliking the feeling of foreign chakra inside of me. Kakashi dispelled it over Naruto, and Naruto lunged away from him, his eyes wide as he watched Gaara begin his transformation into Shukaku.

Hinata dispelled the genjutsu over Lee and Shikamaru, and Kakashi barked orders at Naruto to stay back.

"But look! Sasuke's going after Gaara!"

"Shit," Kakashi breathed, then looked at all of us. "Okay, everyone but Sakura, you need to bring Sasuke back."

' _Why is he sending so many?_ '

 **He might think this is a chance for Orochimaru to attack Sasuke.**

' _Then why won't he go instead?_ '

 **He's a Jōnin. He has to protect the civilians first. Genin don't have that rule, yet.**

He wasted no time in summoning Pakkun, and all of them exchanged glances before they followed the cute pug.

"What do I do, Sensei?" I asked him.

"You're coming with me and you're healing the civilians," Kakashi said. "Stay close. When a medical tent is set up, I'll take you there."

"Okay!"

Kakashi and I leapt off the balcony and climbed up to the massive sleeping population above. There were countless shinobi fighting one another around the civilians, and several enemy shinobi tried to kill the helpless civilians. It seemed like the Otogakure shinobi goal was not to kill the Konoha shinobi, but to slaughter the civilians.

The unfortunate truth was that not every civilian could be perfectly protected by our shinobi.

Chūnin were ordered to begin the evacuation, but they could only carry so many, and civilians didn't have the natural resistance to genjutsus that trained shinobi and kunoichi had. Breaking them from a genjutsu would take time—time we did not have—and even if they were broken, there was no guarantee they wouldn't cause more trouble by panicking.

Gai met up with us soon, and the two of them fought off many nameless enemies while I worked to save what lives I could. When I healed someone, I carried them over to a small pile, so they were all packed tightly together and it was easier for Kakashi and Gai to defend them. It was…

It was very different than any fight I had been in.

I wasn't fighting for my life. It wasn't a glorious battle between two matched opponents.

It was—

It was a _slaughter_. The Otogakure shinobi did everything they could to try and cut our population. In the distance I could hear screams and explosions rock throughout our village and I _knew_ the invasion was going on elsewhere. It wasn't kept to the arena.

The people that I saw today was only a small portion of the people in danger.

The atmosphere was thick and uncomfortable, and more than once I reached a civilian whose heart no longer beat. Eventually, though, all civilians were cleared out (dead or alive) and Kakashi herded me off to a medical tent set up in one of the safe zones.

* * *

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* * *

It was well into the night before I was turned away from the makeshift medical tents that had been set up. Per Kakashi's orders, I had remained on the grounds offering my medical assistances to all those around. Throughout the day, and on into the night, I had remained there.

I did not see either of my teammates since Naruto left after Sasuke, nor did I see Kakashi since late afternoon.

Hanako Suzumi, chief surgeon at the shinobi hospital, had been in charge of my tent. She had taken note of me, and then sent me on my way home since I had been up for well over twelve hours. She said she would send for me, if needed, but otherwise I was to rest and not return until I felt one hundred percent.

My body ached as I made my way through the destroyed streets. It was disheartening to see such destruction. Streets I had become familiar with were badly damaged, with entire roofs gone. I didn't see any bodies, though, which made me feel grateful that the clean up crew had worked quickly. The village would prioritize rebuilding essentials (hospitals, roads, etc) before they rebuilt the houses. Those whose home was destroyed and did not have anywhere else to go would be given shelter at the community center below the Hokage's tower.

Most people, though, had family to turn to around the village and likely only a handful of families would have to stay there for the week or two it took to rebuild their home.

As I neared my home, I stumbled upon seeing the neighborhood.

' _Was Sakura's neighborhood hit in the original story, as well?'_

Suddenly feeling anxious, I hurried to my home and—

My breath caught in my throat.

It was a nice, quiet little home that had been filled with pictures, doilies, and flowers. It was well used, and lovingly cared for.

There was a hole in my home.

There was a hole that left a gaping, angry wound throughout my home.

The front door was off its hinges.

Stepping inside, my boots crunched on broken glass shards. There were gouges on the walls, chunks of wallpaper missing or drooping depressingly, destroyed furniture… I felt as if something icy was clutching at my neck, and my body moved stiffly, as if guided by some unseen force.

There was a smell.

A smell I had grown familiar with.

And stains.

I could see the stains.

Discarded kunai.

Scraps.

Burns.

People fought in there.

I reached the kitchen.

I took a deep breath, and I slowly sat down at the kitchen table.

There was a hole in my home.

There was a hole that left a gaping, angry wound throughout my home.

There was no upstairs.

Moonlight poured into the kitchen from the hole, bathing it in a soft blueish light. I folded my hands together onto the table, a chill settling inside of me.

Time passed.

The moon had risen high enough in the sky that I knew it was around midnight. I could hear people moving throughout the streets, and I could sense their chakra.

A man appeared before me, tired. His Jōnin attire was well worn, with a few scrapes throughout it. He had a large, _large_ black messenger bag slung over his shoulder.

"Sakura Haruno?" he asked, presenting me with his identification.

"Yes," I answered.

He opened his bag and he handed me two scrolls. There were each the size of my palm and they had a black label on it that was the kanji for—

I understood.

"Thank you," I said, and I smiled at the man.

He shifted. "Do you—"

"I'll be fine. I know what to do," I lied, my smile stretching wider. "Have a pleasant night."

He left.

I placed each scroll on the table, and I stared at them.

I—

 _I—_

I took a deep breath.

I took another deep breath.

I took another, and another, and I tried to _breathe_ ; I tried to _breathe, but I couldn't._ I gasped, and choked, the air coming in and out of me too quickly. My shoulders shook, and my hands clenched tightly as I fought to catch my breath.

The world was spinning, and _spinning_ and I couldn't breathe. Everything was tilted and cold, and I—

I—

Couldn't.

 _Breathe._

My hands clutched at my upper arms, and I brought my knees up to my chest, burying my face into them, trying to breathe.

Trying not to feel like I was suffocating.

My lips were turning numb, and my breaths were coming out in hiccups and my body shuddered violently.

There was a hand on my shoulder.

I froze, dread entering inside of me, even as I tried to gasp for air. Shakily, I looked up. Kakashi placed his other hand over my mouth, as he squatted down to meet me at eye-level. "Calm down. Breathe with me. In. Out. In. Out."

It took several tries, but eventually I was able to match my breathing with his. His gaze steadily met my own, and he slowly withdrew his hands. "Do you have family in the village?"

I mutely shook my head, my eyes drifting over to— _to_ —

Kakashi stood up. "Can you walk?"

 **No.**

I nodded my head, and wobbly stood up. My legs were paper, and the moment I put pressure on them, they folded. Kakashi caught me before I hit the ground, and he swung me up to carry me bridal style. I felt wobbly and cold, another violent shudder raging throughout me. "Wh-What about K- _Kaa-chan_ and T- _Tou-chan_?"

Kakashi picked up both of the storage scrolls and placed them into his back pocket before he shushined out of my—

My home that had big, big hole in it like angry wound.

Everything was a blur, and I knew it was because Kakashi was moving too quickly for me to process what I was seeing. When he stopped moving, it was because we had reached some kind of door, and he had to set me down to unlock it. I fell onto the floor, my legs still not working and my mind circling around the fact that there was a hole in my home.

The door opened and he picked me back up and carried me to a bathroom. Then he sat me on the floor, and he summoned Pakkun, and then he left and shut the door.

"Kiddo?" Pakkun inquired, "What are—you reek. And we're in Kakashi's bathroom."

I stared mutely at him.

Pakkun sniffed me over and he looked around before he nodded. "Yeah, okay. Pup, can you undress yourself?"

I nodded, and shakily I reached to pull off my hoodie—

' _Ah. I already took it off at the medical tent._ '

My hands grasped at my white cammie and I tugged it off, along with my sports bra. I sat it on a wooden counter that was half way up the wall. Pakkun sniffed at me, then pulled out the bathroom stool. I finished getting undressed and I sat on the shower stool, Pakkun leapt up and turned on the water.

Hot, hot, hot way-too-hot _-_ but-I-didn't-care-enough-to-protest-water poured out from the faucet above me. The contrasting water to my body temperature caused goosebumps to crawl up my skin and I gave an involuntary shudder. I hadn't realized how cold I was until the water hit me.

Pakkun brought over a brush and some basic body wash. My hands moved robotically, and I did as instructed. While I cleaned myself, Pakkun wobbled over to the bathtub then plopped in three red balls (salt balls, likely), before turning the water on.

"Don't forget to wash your hair," Pakkun told me, nudging a two in one shampoo / conditioner bottle towards me. "Get the blood out."

Blood.

Blood.

 _Blood._

Did they have blood on them?

Did they—

Did they suffer?

" _Oi_ ," Pakkun growled at me, hitting me with his paw. "Stop thinking. Don't think, only do as you're told right now. Focus on cleaning your hair."

I stopped thinking and I cleaned my hair.

By the time I was done per Pakkun's satisfaction, the tub had already finished being filled. Pakkun turned off the shower, and then motioned for me to get in the tub. My body moved obediently, and I sat down in the comfortably warm water. My muscles immediately began to cry in relief as the salt balls worked their magic.

"Okay," Pakkun said, pushing the stool over to the edge of the tub so he could sit in it and be eye-level with me. "Now, pup, it's time to relax. What relaxes you?"

Kaa-chan's cooking.

"I don't know."

Pakkun's eyes narrowed, and he snorted. "Fine. Then we'll talk about what relaxes me."

Pakkun began to paint a pretty picture of some relaxing sceneries. It was hard to imagine them, because I felt like my mind was filled with words of home, fault, guilt, kaa-chan, and tou-chan. There was no more room for pleasantries, I believed.

Everstill, I tried to picture them, and I did try to relax.

His constant talking soothed me the most in the end, though. It gave me something easy to focus on, and a chance to not think about anything else.

After maybe fifteen minutes passed by there was a knock and the door cracked open a tiny bit. No one came in, though, and Pakkun hopped off from his stool to inspect it. After a moment, he opened the door more fully and dragged in a plastic bag. "You ready to get out, pup?"

I nodded, my hands already moving to unclog the drain. As the water rapidly disappeared, I wobbly stood up and grabbed the nearest towel. For a moment, I felt my heart grow a bit lighter at the fact that it smelled like Kakashi. A part of me was instantly comforted by that smell, and I took another moment to sniff it before I used it.

Pakkun opened the plastic bag and dragged out a package of brand new underwear and pajamas.

"Kakashi must have bought these," Pakkun commented, biting the package of underwear and holding it out to me. I took it from his jaws and opened it with ease, pulling out a pair of plain white undies and slipping them on. I changed into the pink pajamas (with little strawberries on it), and then I left the bathroom with Pakkun.

The bathroom was down the hallway, it would seem, and there were two other rooms attached to said hallway. One of them was closed, and I sensed Kakashi in the other one. I went into that room, Pakkun trailing behind me. I found a room that was covered wall to wall in bookcases, with a desk shoved against one of them, and stacks of books covering the floor. In the center of the mess was a futon and many pillows and blankets, and all the other dogs in the pack.

Kakashi was holding a tray of food and (maybe?) tea, that he was trying to set down on the desk that was equally covered in books.

"Um." I shifted my weight to the balls of my feet as Kakashi looked over at me.

He cocked his head towards the bed. "Sit."

I sat down on the mat, and Bull immediately pulled covers over my lap, and the dogs converged around me forming a tight circle. Pakkun crawled into my lap, and Kakashi squatted beside me outside the circle of dogs. He handed me a bowl of fried rice and sat the tray down on Bull's back.

"Eat," Kakashi ordered. "I don't care if you're not hungry. You need to eat. Drink the tea, too, it'll… it'll help you sleep."

I gave a small nod to show that I understood, and I scooped bits of the food in my mouth slowly. Kakashi watched me eat with narrowed eyes. No words were exchanged until I was done eating. Kakashi then took the tray away along with the dishes.

When he returned he told me to lay down and go to sleep.

"I can't," I said softly. "I—I don't—"

Kakashi squatted down in front of me, giving me his undivided attention. "There's more to this than grief. What's wrong?"

"It's my fault they're dead," I whispered, my voice cracking.

"It is _not_ —"

"It is," I stated vehemently. It was a fact, entirely undeniable. I knew with absolute certainty that if I hadn't made it to the finals, they would be alive. They would have—they would have lived, somehow. That was the only difference between me and Canon!Sakura. Her parents lived.

Why did—why did I have to be so, so greedy?

Why couldn't I have waited? Followed the canonical story?

They would be alive.

Two beautiful people, who absolutely did not deserve to die, would be alive.

 **And Haku and Zabuza would be dead if you stayed to canon.**

' _But—_ '

 **Are you really going to say that Kaa-chan and Tou-chan's lives are more valuable than Haku and Zabuza? What about the others you want to save? If you stay to canon, they'll die, too!**

' _Then who else will die because I strayed?_ '

 **If you give up** _ **now**_ **, then their deaths would have meant nothing.**

I buried my face in my hands, as another shudder rocked through me. I felt the dogs move around me, and one of them—Bisque—placed his head in my lap, forcing Pakkun to readjust to make room. Kakashi let out a quiet sigh and whispered, "Words won't stop you from feeling how you feel now, I understand that. But I'll repeat them until they _do_. Sakura: _you are not to blame for your parents' death._ "

I could only shake my head, the cold guilt clawing at me viciously. My heart was frozen in a perpetual moment of despair and for a moment—

I actually hated myself.

When I realized that—when I realized how disgusted I was with myself, I felt a part of me break.

Even when I was poked and prodded at like a lab rat by my own mother, I never saw myself that way. I never disliked who I saw in the mirror. Even when I died and was first reborn as Sakura, I never, ever disliked who I saw in the mirror every day.

If I looked in a mirror at that moment, I would despise what looked back at me.

And that was heartbreaking to me.

Between the guilt and that, I couldn't keep back my tears any longer. They rushed out of me like a dam being broken and I sobbed loudly. Kakashi placed a hand on top of my head, and the pack moved as one to embrace me from all around.

I cried myself to exhaustion.

* * *

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* * *

My eyes felt heavy, and my head throbbed painfully when I woke up. It was light outside, and I could hear movements throughout the apartment. Pakkun was on my chest, snoring loudly, with Shiba sprawled across my lower body, and Bisque partially on top of him and on my legs. I was currently using Bull as a pillow, with Urushi and Uhei on my left, and Guruko curled up on my right.

Dog-lover paradise, right there.

It felt nice, actually.

I felt… well, not _okay_ , but definitely better. There was still guilt (and I knew it would be there for a long time), and a sense of bitterness, but I didn't hate myself.

Mild dislike, yes, but not hate.

Hating myself, I knew, would be the absolute last thing Kaa-chan, and Tou-chan would want for me. They were the parents that would want their daughter to live happily after their deaths.

I wanted to say they were the kind of parents, the kind of _people_ , who would not blame me for their death.

I wanted to.

But, it felt a bit like a cop out if I thought that.

Did I have the right to try and feel better so soon after their death? Was I obligated to wallow for a set amount of time?

I didn't know; I didn't understand.

I had all of her memories. Every part of me believed them to be _my_ kaa-chan and tou-chan. I loved them so much that it physically pained me they were gone. How was I supposed to deal with that? How did anyone deal with that?!

It was unfair.

It was disgusting!  
' _This is why I hate feeling—feeling—this is—this—_ this is _why I don't deal with this kind of thing. I don't know how!_ '

The frustration bubbled underneath me, and I felt like I had to get up, or do _something_. Then Kakashi was in the doorway, and he gave a sharp whistle and all of the dogs rolled off me in one fluid motion. They were up, tails wagging, and sniffing at me and Kakashi.

"Food?" Bisque barked.

"Breakfast is ready: go," Kakashi ordered, and as one the pack ran out of the room. I stared after them before my gaze drifted up to Kakashi's eye smile and I—

My heart settled, and I gave him a small smile. He returned it with an eye-smile of his own and he held out his hand towards me. "Come on, time to get up. You need to eat."

I took his hand, and in a single smooth motion he pulled me onto my feet. He guided me through his decently sized apartment that was way too neat and impersonal. In the living room the pack ate from large bowls—they were eating some kind of cooked meat that actually smelled like steak—not even pausing when we passed by them into the small kitchen. Kakashi pulled out a chair at the tiny table that only had two chairs at it, and he sorta-pushed-but-not-really me into it.

Blinking vapidly, I watched him turn towards the counter, before turning back around and placing a large plate of omelets in front of me.

"This is about all as far as my cooking skills go," he apologized. "Rice, pasta, and omelets."

"Did you already eat?"

"Yeah," Kakashi answered. "When you're done eating, we'll see what we can do about clothes. I imagine you don't carry essentials on you."

"Not today, er, yesterday."

He nodded. "Since you'll be staying here—"

"What?"

He gave me an incredulous look. "Where did you think you would be staying? I'm not a heartless monster that'll dump a girl out on the street because she can't control her hormones."

That made me giggle. It came out a little strangled and hoarse, though. Kakashi eye-smiled at me again, and I felt warmer.

"Naruto and Sasuke are still in the hospital, but they should be released later today if you would like to see them," Kakashi offered. I nodded my head, then hesitated.

"Um… can you not tell them about…?"

"I won't."

* * *

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* * *

After breakfast, Kakashi gave me a three wads of cash, and an umbrella, then sent Urushi and Pakkun to go clothes shopping with me. He told me to get enough for at least two weeks, along with any other essential I needed.

I wore one of his training shirts (it was too big for me, and I had to roll up the sleeves), and extra black sweats (I had to roll up the legs, and tie the waist line with a rubber band). It felt oddly comforting, actually.

Pakkun stayed on my right and Urushi stayed on my left as we walked quietly through the ravaged streets. There were several others who looked like they were wearing borrowed clothes, and when my eyes met theirs, a sense of camaraderie and understanding was exchanged.

I wasn't the only one left homeless.

I wasn't the only one orphaned.

It gave me a sense of comfort, and renewed my guilt at the same time. It was nice to know that I wasn't alone in my suffering, in a twisted sense. That everyone else had struggles, and they managed to make it through them. On the other hand, though, I felt like I could have— _should have_ —done something more to prevent it.

 **But what?** Inner would ask me every time I thought that. **Sacrifice yourself? Go to the Hokage and tell him everything? There's no guarantee it would stop the tragedies. If anything, it might create a larger problem that couldn't be predicted.**

I never had a response for her.

I would never have the perfect answer.

There was no simple solution. The world I lived in now was messy and complicated. I wanted to change what I could, but I had to acknowledge that there things simply out of my reach. Unobtainable.

I didn't want to acknowledge that, though. I didn't want to admit that things were unavoidable no matter what I did. Someone had to take responsibility for what happened, and it felt like it should be _me_.

 _ **How arrogant.**_

Most of the marketplaces weren't hit in the invasion, so the streets and shops were up and running without any issue. There were a lot of shoppers that rainy day, and I had to maneuver through quite the crowd.

Thankfully, Urushi tugged on my pants to guide me so I was never lost, and Pakkun brushed against me repeatedly to provide me with comfort and support.

Still, it was well into early evening before I bought the essentials (and saved the receipts so I knew how much to pay Kakashi back, though Pakkun insisted he wouldn't accept my money) and returned to Kakashi's apartment. I didn't get to see Naruto, or Sasuke since I had been out on the errand all day, but I figured I could hunt them down tomorrow. I was certain they were probably both preoccupied themselves with making sure their homes were taken care of, or attending the Hokage's funeral.

(I did make sure that Naruto's apartment wasn't hit, nor the Uchiha District.)

I opened the door to Kakashi's apartment, and Urushi gave me a sniff-over before disappearing in a puff of smoke. Pakkun headed inside and hopped onto the counter. "Looks like Kakashi isn't back, yet."

"Do you know where he was going?" I asked absently, frowning. "Actually, um, do you know if I'm staying where I slept last night, or…?"

"Yeah, that'll be your room," Pakkun answered. "Let's go put your stuff away, pup."

The-once-office-now-a-guest-room was almost entirely empty when I walked in. All that was in there was a guest futon, a desk with a lamp and chair, and a lounging chair.

I blinked in surprise at that, and then again when I realized there was a closet attached to the room.

"Looks like Kakashi finished putting away all those books," Pakkun commented sniffing around the room. "Ah. He put them in the storage scrolls in the closet, so be careful when you go in there."

I placed my numerous bags on the bed, and opened the small closet. There was a box filled with scrolls about the size of my torso on the floor, and many empty hangers. On the top shelf there was another empty box that I decided to use for my underwear.

Idly, I began to put away the clothes I bought while Pakkun began to tell me a story about a sneaky fox. I remembered that it was a childhood favorite of Sakura's, and it felt pleasant to hear it again from Pakkun while I worked.

Half an hour later, everything was put away and I decided to make dinner for all of us since Kakashi wasn't back, yet.

Preheating the oven to 165 C, I took out three eggs, three-fourths flour, and three-fourths milk. I whipped the eggs until they were fluffy and airy, then poured the milk, and sifted flour into it. I added salt, and other seasonings, then poured the yorkshire pudding batter into a cake pan. After assessing Kakashi's surprisingly scarce fridge, I settled on some ground pork as the meat. I lightly seared the pork, along with butter and many spices before I drained the meat and added it into the batter. Then, I popped it all into the oven and began to work on the vegetables.

By the time I was done chopping the leeks, the front door opened and I heard Kakashi call out, "I'm home."

"Welcome home," I immediately replied, and ignoring the pain I felt in my chest, I offered Pakkun a bit of the pork I had cooked through.

Kakashi stepped into the kitchen, assessing me as I worked. Turning to Pakkun, he asked, "Did she get everything?"

"Yep," Pakkun confirmed. "It's set up in her bedroom."

"Maa. Thank you. Who is available to—?"

"Bull will stay with her tonight."

I turned to Pakkun, frowning. "That's not necessary—"

"It is," they both disagreed with me immediately. Then Pakkun cleared his throat. "Okay, pup, I'll see you later. Take care of yourself."

Then he was gone in a puff of smoke.

Kakashi shifted uneasily, taking off his flak and hanging it on the back of one of the kitchen chairs. "Do you need any help?"

"No."

"Okay. I'll leave you to it."

"Thank you."

* * *

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* * *

Dinner was quiet, but not uncomfortable. I think Kakashi started to realize I found his presence comforting, because after dinner he even sat down next to me on the couch while we read. We didn't exchange any words until it was time for bed, though, and Kakashi summoned Bull to sleep with me.

It was… nice.

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

The day afterwards Kakashi had me sign some insurance forms he collected for me yesterday. Once that was taken care of, he left for the day, and I went off to check on my teammates and friends.

Naruto was the easiest to find, since he was still asleep in his apartment. He greeted me enthusiastically, and swung me around.

When we left to hunt down Sasuke, he offered to hold my arm.

"How gentlemanly of you," I teased.

He beamed. "I bought one of those cheesy romance books girls are always reading. This is the the kinda stuff that's good to do, yeah? If I wanna meet this girl that not only supports my dreams, but thinks I'm _awesome,_ and likes me, I gotta hurry up and become a—a—a perfect gentleman."

"That's right," I cooed at him, then laughed.

We walked through the streets with a companionable air, and I felt—I felt okay.

I had to smile bright for Naruto. I didn't want him to worry about me.

Once I started smiling, though, I found it easier to keep my smile. For moments I could forget about grief and what happened, and I could enjoy the warmth and utter affection that practically radiated off my sunshine teammate.

He told me about his epic battle with Gaara, how amazed he was to find a fellow jinchūriki, and how spectacular everyone else performed. He told me how he was sad about the Hokage's death—the funeral was held yesterday, actually, but I didn't attend in lieu of finding clothes; and because funerals were always for the living more than the dead. Hiruzen would rather see his shinobi and kunoichi moving past his death with strength, than dwelling on his greatest mistake.

Almost an hour passed by of one-sided conversation before we reached Sasuke's home and knocked on his front door. It took several minutes before a tired-looking Sasuke appeared.

"What," he asked, but it came out more like a statement.

"We wanted to make sure you were okay," I answered, giving him a warm smile. "So, you okay?"

"Fine," he answered curtly, then eyed Naruto. "You finished healing, then?"

Naruto grinned cheekily. "No bandages for me. I see you still got your concussion."

Sasuke's right hand drifted towards his wrapped head and he grimaced. "Yeah. Is that all you two wanted?"

"Come have lunch with us," I kinda-ordered-kinda-asked. Sasuke frowned at that, then shrugged and stepped out the house. He shut and locked the door behind him, and shoved his hands in his pockets before he moved to walk on my opposite side.

"Where should we eat?" Sasuke asked.

"Let's have ramen," Naruto excitedly answered.

"Okay," I agreed easily.

"Sure," Sasuke relented after a moment of hesitation. "It's been awhile since I've had ramen. I hate that cup crap."

"For both our sakes' I'll pretend I didn't hear that last part," Naruto chided.

Sasuke sneered at him in response.

I draped an arm around Naruto's shoulder, and an arm around Sasuke's shoulder. Sasuke shrugged me off almost immediately, but gave up after my seventh time doing so. The three of us headed off, perfectly content.

Perfectly okay.

* * *

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* * *

The next day, I trailed behind Kakashi. My eyes roamed around the mostly-rebuilt street.

Today, I felt better.

In fact, if I didn't think too hard about what happened, I almost felt normal. There was still something off, though. There was a pang in my chest at seemingly random times, and brief moments that I felt like I couldn't breathe.

They didn't last long, though, and in every instance they did last more than a few seconds, all Kakashi had to do was speak, or touch my head, and everything was okay again.

I wanted things to be okay and _stay_ okay.

I found that if I kept smiling, it made things a little easier for those around me (namely Sasuke and Naruto).

So when I returned home yesterday to Kakashi's with a big smile on my face, I was a little surprised that he threw a book at me and told me to drop it. Then I started crying for seemingly no reason, and he panicked and it turned into this whole fiasco that ended up with me eating several canisters of whipped creaming and sobbing into one of his shirts, and him awkwardly patting my head and reassuring me that I didn't look like a hideously grotesque monster.

I don't know.

The point was, though, that he didn't want me to smile around him unless I was sincere about it. He told me, flatly, that it would only make things worse for me in the long run.

I called him a hypocrite, then immediately regretted insulting someone I cared for so dearly and started crying again.

 _That_ ended up with me having to take another bath while Pakkun watched over me, Kakashi sitting outside the door reading bits and pieces of a children stories' book, and me reassuring him occasionally that I would not ask the Goggle Gods to hurry up and let me meet Obito.

In my defense, in the heat of the moment I forgot that Kakashi was supposed to think that Obito was dead.

I just really wanted some goofy Tobito humor.

Returning to the day, though, Kakashi had something he wanted to give me. He told me to get dressed for the day, and after lunch the two of us headed out.

My eyes flickered about, and I sped up so I was walking beside Kakashi. He looked down at me for a moment, giving me an eye-smile. I reflexively smiled back at him, which made him reach over and pat the top of my head. "See? _That's_ a good smile."

My cheeks turned red, and I couldn't resist smiling a bit more widely.

Then he stopped short, and I ran into him. Kurenai and Asuma were opposite of him, and they both stopped when they saw him.

"Ah, enjoying a date?" Kakashi inquired harmlessly.

"D-Don't be absurd," Kurenai blustered, blushing and looking down. "I'm merely picking up some dango for Anko when I ran into Asuma."

Asuma scratched the back of his head. "Yeah. That."

Kurenai glared at him.

I blinked, as the scene struck me as familiar.

Then I let out a gasp and my head snapped towards the nearby tea shop where I saw—

The. Kisame.

As in.

 _The_ Kisame.

The one and only Kisame.

The greatest swordsman to ever exist.

The single most amazing person to breathe since the beginning of time.

That Kisame.

I covered my mouth with my hands, my entire attention focused in on Kisame as I tried desperately not to squeal and run over and hug him. I had to make a good first impression.

I had to!

Unfortunately, he seemed to sense my gaze because in less than a minute he and Itachi left and I was left slowly dying on the inside.

I turned my attention back towards Kakashi, but before I could open my mouth he quickly said, "Wait for me here, don't follow."

Then he was gone.

Of course I followed him.

Now, I wasn't as fast as the three Jōnin who chased after Kisame and Itachi, but I was good enough that I came in right after they broke out of Kurenai's genjutsu. I leapt down beside Kakashi, beaming at all the wonderful people around me.

" _Sakura_ ," Kakashi snapped at me, and I knew I would _so_ be in trouble later, but I seriously didn't care at the moment.

"Kisame-sama," I breathed out, my eyes wide and my heart soaring. "I have prepared for this day for all of my life. My name is Sakura Haruno."

Kisame eyed me with a toothy grin, while Kakashi began to drag me behind him. I pulled out a small storage scroll I had carried on me since the day I bought twenty bingo books for the sake of my idol. I threw the storage scroll at Kisame, and he caught it reflexively before looking it over.

"That has a picture of you inside of it," I informed him, "please autograph it and give it back when you can. Please. _Please_."

"Sakura, now is not the time for your craziness," Kakashi warned me.

"My craziness isn't something to be turned off," I responded.

"Enough," Itachi said quietly, his obsidian eyes bleeding away into red. "We won't waste any more time here."

"Look down," Kakashi ordered all of us, "no one meet his gaze. If you look into his eyes for a second, he'll ensnare you in his genjutsu."

Kurenai muttered, "Then how do we fight him?"

"You don't. I will."

I, of course, never bothered to look down because I wanted Itachi to bring me into his fun little world of goodness and love. I knew what would happen if Kakashi tried to fight Itachi with his own Sharingan, and there was no way in hell I would allow anything that painful to happen to Kakashi. What kind of fan girl would I be if I let that happen?

So, nope.

I kicked out Kakashi's back knees, forcing him to stumble backwards and lose connection with Itachi. In the same instant, I leapt over him to stand between him and Itachi and I immediately locked gazes with him.

"Pein," I whispered to him, and his gaze intensified and then—

HOLY HELL THAT BURNS.

I keeled over, covering my mouth with both my hands to fruitlessly repress my scream.

"Welcome, little girl," Itachi greeted me, and then I realized that the world around us had turned red. "It seems you are sensitive—"

"No time," I said in a rush, "Iknowtheabouthemassacre. Ah, holy fuck this hurts! Danzō! Um! ROOT. AH THIS HURTS."

Itachi's eyes narrowed slightly, and he took a step towards me. "Do you work for Danzō?"

"Fuck no," I screeched. "Look I know you had to kill your family to ahhh save Konoha, don't worry I'm your friend and ahhhhh, ahhh, _AHAHA_! I-I know about Shisui and, and ahhh holy fuck can't you just read my memories or something?!"

He blinked. "You're chakra-sensitive. Simply being inside my Tsukuyomi is slowly crippling your chakra system and you want me to further push the genjutsu inside your mind?"

I gave a small whimper as the fiery pain kept intensifying.

"I know about the Akatsuki. Tobi is Madara. Except he's not. He's Obito. I know you're good, please, please believe me. BUT RIGHT NOW AHHHHH. Your brother! Needs help! Sasuke! Has! Curse Mark! F-F-From Orochimaru! Combination of—of—of—senjutsu—-fūinjutsu—!"

"Stop," Itachi berated me. "How do you—"

" _I know the future!_ "

The pain was too much then, and I curled up into a tight ball with my eyes squeezed shut as I tried to deal with it.

There was a heartbeat of silence and then I could kinda-sorta-but-not-really hear Itachi and I barely understood what he said. "Okay. If I keep you here any longer you will become crippled. We shall talk later, Sakura-san."

Then red faded away and I fell into the water as the last bit of consciousness left me.

* * *

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* * *

When I woke up, it was to Hinata holding my hand and humming a gentle tune.

Achiness settled into me and I let out a low groan. "What the fuck."

"Welcome back, Sakura-chan," Hinata greeted me with a warm smile. "Naruto wanted me to tell you that he'll be sure to bring back Tsunade-sama for you, so rest up."

"Wha—"

"Here," Hinata said, reaching at the foot of my—' _Ah, I was in the hospital_ '—bed and handing me a medical clipboard. I analyzed it before I let out a small groan.

' _Shit. Tsukuyomi is something else._ '

After I handed her back the clipboard, and she put it away, then the door opened up and Kakashi stepped inside. "Hyūga-san, would you mind giving me a minute with my student?"  
Hinata nodded and hesitated a moment before leaning over and kissing my cheek. I winked at her reflexively, which made her giggle, before she left.

Kakashi quietly closed the door to the hospital room, and gave me a tired look. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Love me," I joked weakly.

He rubbed at his face. "Have you talked to a doctor, yet?"

"No."

"Do you need to?"

"I know how to read medical boards. I understand that my chakra system is severely strained and that I won't be able to use any ninjutsu until it's repaired. I understand that could take upwards of a year, without Tsunade. Good thing Naruto is going to bring her back."

"I don't even want to know how you can sound so confident," Kakashi muttered. "Sakura, do you understand what you did wrong? You challenged _Itachi_."

"I knew what I was doing," I said confidently. "If you had kept your gaze any longer, he would have ensnared you in his Tsukuyomi. Better me than you, Kakashi-sensei."

" _That's not going to work_."

I only shrugged in response, not budging from my belief. My goals were accomplished.

He shook his head. "You need a reason to take care of yourself. You need a reason to be—to _want_ to be okay. You need a reason to come home, and have a place to call home. You need that, Sakura, because right now—"

"I have plenty of motivation to keep living," I defended immediately. "I'm not suicidal, really."

"Not actively seeking death, and wanting to _live_ are two very different things," he said softly. "I understand this is a hard time for you, and while I cannot know perfectly know what you're going through, I know _enough_ to see the symptoms to look out for. Taking on an _S-Ranked_ _missing-nin_ in place of your _sensei_ is not healthy no matter how you spin it. You're underreacting to how much danger you were truly in; no, you're underreacting to _everything_."

"So?"

He pointed at me in a gesture of frustration. " _That_. That right there is not okay. I've dealt with _that_ long enough to—to not want my own student to go down that path. It's not going to make things easier for you, Sakura. Your emotions aren't going to magically _disappear_ if you ignore them."

"Then how would you deal with them?" I asked, curious.

Kakashi cocked his head at me, assessing me with an unreadable expression for a solid minute before he gave a short nod. "I'm going to take you to where I was originally going to take you before we ran into Itachi."

I frowned at that.

* * *

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* * *

I had to use a wheelchair for the foreseeable future. It sorta stunk, but I couldn't really complain.

Kakashi wheeled us out of the hospital and straight towards the Inuzuka Compound. It was past noon, then, and no one stopped us when we strolled right in. He took us to a large warehouse-looking building in the back, and upon entering I found numerous puppies with their mothers and several kunoichi tending to them.

One of them, I recognized as Kiba's older sister, Hana. She hurried over to us, a smile on her face. Her smile twitched for a brief second when she looked over at me. "Ah. Are you still wanting…?"

"Yep," Kakashi answered with a pop.

"Right this way," Hana said, gesturing for us to follow her.

She lead us down a corridor, away from the puppies and towards a quiet section of the building. She explained while she walked, "Our rehabilitation program is tied into our breeding program. We find that most patients work best when with the young, although we do occasionally get our exceptions."

She stopped short of a gray door.

"If it were anyone else, no way we would even consider it," she told us, her tone somber and brusque. "We know she'll be in good hands with you, Kakashi, and if you trust her to your student we won't fight it. As long as you both understand she will never become a ninkin."

I blinked rapidly at her. "Wait. Are you guys talking about a dog? What's wrong with her?"  
"She's a rescue," Kakashi responded. "Open the door, Hana."

Hana gave a shrug and unlocked the door and swung it open.

It was a small room, with a large water bowl, food bowl, plenty of toys, and a soft bed on the floor.

In the center of that bed was a mass of fur and scars.

Kakashi rolled me into the room, and Hana closed the door behind us.

The mass of fur and scars, which I realized was a brown and black puppy, started to growl at us. She backed up against the wall, and I noticed one of her legs was missing.

"I'm not the kind of sensei who knows how to, how to teach his students how to cope, or deal with loss. I don't even know how to do that. I can't fix you, nor will I ever be able to," Kakashi admitted quietly, kneeling before the snarling pup.

Unminding of how she growled and bit at him, he picked her up and started to carry her over to me.

"I can give you a dog, though," Kakashi said, as he set her in my lap.

She shivered in my lap, snarling at me and Kakashi. Kakashi squatted down in front of me, a hand on the dog's back. With weak hands, I carefully began to run my hands down her back and head. She bit onto my right hand, digging as hard as she could with her gummy mouth and broken teeth. Kakashi removed his hand, as I began to use my other hand to stroke her back, unminding of her grip.

"You're beautiful," I whispered to her, my cheeks feeling wet and cold, "and I'm going to love and treasure you."

Kakashi stared at my face, while I continued to watch the terrified wolf pup. He nodded once, and stood back up. "Are you up for some shopping for dog supplies?"  
I could only nod my head, my throat too tight to speak.

I named her Brightheart. I hoped the name would aptly fit her personality in time.

* * *

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* * *

 **Third Person POV Kisame & Itachi**

Kisame let out a chuckle as he sat down on the porch of a tea house beside Itachi. "What an interesting day."

The sun had started to set, and the duo had already managed to lose the ANBU Hunting team sent after them. They decided to enjoy a decent dinner before they began their journey back to Amegakure to report to Pein about what transpired in Konohagakure.

Itachi blinked slowly at his partner. "Do you still have the scroll that girl gave you?"

"Oh, yeah." Kisame remembered, then laughed again at recalling the girl's plain adoration on her face. "The hell was that about, anyway? Honeypot?"  
"I do not think so," Itachi answered.

Kisame shrugged, and pulled out the delicate-looking pink scroll she tossed at him. After confirming there were no obvious traps on it, he unsealed it and a few things popped out. One, was a picture of him from the bingo books blown up to fit a decent portrait. Another was a letter addressed to him, and lastly was a bundle of large blue mittens, a blue knitted scarf, a blue knitted hat, and a white pillow with a stitched shark design on it. Kisame stared at everything in his lap in disbelief.

He looked over at Itachi. "Oi. You had her in your Tsukuyomi, right? Was she… _serious_?"

"I could only glimpse at her emotions," Itachi stressed, "but, yes, I was left with the impression that she was quite… enamored with you. A self-proclaimed fangirl."

"She's… she's _twelve_. I'm almost _thirty_."

A ghost of a spark entered the Uchiha's eyes. "I'm not here to judge."

"Shut up," Kisame snapped, flustered. "Ugh. I'm never going to hear the end of this, am I?"

Itachi shrugged gracefully. "What does her letter read?"  
Kisame picked it up and looked it over before sighing and reading it out loud.

 _Dear Kisame-sama,_

 _Hi! My name is Sakura Haruno and I have been a_ huge _fan of yours ever since I laid eyes on you. I knew instantly that you were an amazing person, and I have been blessed by the Goggle Gods to have confirmation that you are indeed an amazing person. I know we won't have many chances to interact with one another (yet!), but I want you to know that I do think of you, and I sincerely wish only the best for you._

 _I hope one day we can meet on good terms and you will allow me to shower you with all the love and devotion you rightly deserve._

 _Please enjoy these small tokens of my appreciation._

 _Love,_

 _Sakura_

 _PS: I promise I will_ never _lie to you._

Both men fell silent after Kisame finished reading the letter.

"This is a little creepy," Kisame confessed. "Is—Is this how you feel every day?"

"The women who are attracted to me are attracted to me purely from an aesthetic point," Itachi pointed out. "Sakura is fond of you for who you are."

"How does she even _know_ who I am, then? She can't possibly know me. We've never met, and she's a Konoha _Genin_."

Itachi thought for a moment.

" _I know the future!_ "

"Only time will tell."

A pause.

"The fuck does that mean."

* * *

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* * *

Eyy. I turned 21 yesterday. So here ya'll go.

 _*Okay, so in Japan there's typically two separate "bathrooms". One for the toilet, and sink, and another for cleaning and bathing. You don't get in the bathtub when you're dirty. The bathtub is for people who are clean and want to soak. The actual bathroom is like a shower room, with the floors meant to get covered in water, and you sit on a stool or something and you wash yourself in that room. There is a bathtub that you can then soak in after you clean yourself._

 _In case any of ya'll were wondering wtf was going on during the bathroom scene._

 _I purposely made this chapter feel rushed and awkward. When in grief / shock, at least in my personal experience, time both seems to stop, and move too quickly. One moment you're here, and the next you're someplace else with only a vague idea of how you got there. Sakura's never dealt with negative emotions properly, let alone with something so awful, so it's awkward in her mind._

 _Done with angst, I promise. We'll be going back to happy, fluff, love, funny, crack, and cuddles all the way up to theeeeeee next time Itachi and Sakura talk in person._

 _The third POV at the end was in hopes of bringing a smile on your face after so much angst. Sorry if it made any of ya'll sad. I love you guys, and I wish you the best._

 **Extra stuff in case you're still sad** :

Kakashi: *taking a shower*

Kakashi: *reaches out to grab a towel*

Sakura: *hands him a towel*

Kakashi: *takes the towel*

A pause.

Kakashi: Why am I not surprised.

.

.

.

Sakura: Okay, dear. How would a gentleman flirt?

Naruto: Uh. You. Your face. I like it.

Sasuke: That would be about when the girl walks out.

Naruto: Baby no, come back. PLEASE MAKE BABIES WITH ME.

Sakura: THAT'S MY BOY.

Sasuke: Dear God, why am I on this team?

.

.

.

In the middle of a market place, on a mission, both in disguise as civilians.

Sakura: AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOOUU.

Kakashi: *buries face in hands*

Sakura: *drops down onto her knees*

The crowd: *hushes* *whispers* *excited squeals*

Kakashi: *is mortified*

Sakura: That's why I have to tell you that your shoelace is undone.

Kakashi: This is why I don't go anywhere with you.

Sakura: You love me anyway.

Kakashi: I categorically deny that with every fiber of my being. Now put on a jacket, it's cold outside and I don't want you to catch a cold.

Sakura: *smirks*

 _Reviews are **love**!_


	11. A New Home

_**Disclaimer:** I, Darkpetal16, do not own Naruto._

 _ **Warning** : Angsty beginning, happy ending._

 _"Some call it bitching. I call it Verbal Release Therapy."_

 _-Anon_

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* * *

 **Kakashi's POV**

Kakashi took a deep breath, feeling his heart slowly settle down as the All-Clear signal shot throughout the sky to signify that the last hostile had been defeated. It was well on into the evening and Kakashi felt a little tired. Not enough to warrant any concern; he never encountered an enemy of equal caliber to face. The only thing that provided any significant stress for him was the countless civilians and property he had to be mindful of, in addition to the sheer quantity of pests he had to deal with.

He was entirely unscathed (unsurprisingly), and despite the grim situation, he was content (as long as he ignored the nagging sense of worry he had over his students, he was at least). He felt confident that his students survived the invasion (he knew for certain that Naruto would be next to impossible to kill due to Kyūbi, he personally saw Sakura off to the medical tent, and Sasuke was too cunning to die to the low caliber of Otogakure shinobi).

Still, it would be irresponsible of him not to check in on his students.

And if it assuaged the _tiny_ bit of concern he had towards them, well that was merely a bonus.

Naruto and Sasuke were the easiest to track down, since the ANBU team personally secured the duo as soon as they could and took them to one of the high-security hospitals that was left standing. All he had to do was pop in and the ANBU guarding the duo allowed him to see them without any fuss.

Naruto was covered in bandages, but snoring heavily and looking utterly pleased with himself. Kakashi knew he would be recovered by the next day, if that. Sasuke was a little worse for wear, as he lacked Naruto's two-fold regeneration, and concussions were tricky. A quick glance over his clipboard confirmed that the Uchiha would have to be on light-training for a month, at least.

With that being settled, Kakashi returned to the medical tent in search of his… _spirited_ kunoichi. He was surprised that she had already been sent home, but after a split-second of realizing the time, not really.

' _She's probably already asleep_ ,' Kakashi thought as he slowly made his way towards her home. ' _Her parents are civilians so they're probably a nervous wreck and clinging onto her. I'll make sure her chakra signature is there, then head home. No need to cause a scene._ '

When he entered her neighborhood, a tiny seed of worry settled in the pit of his stomach. A foreboding sense entered his mind, and he unconsciously braced himself for quite a scene.

He did not expect to find Sakura hyperventilating in her destroyed home with two little black scrolls in front of her.

Kakashi was frozen the moment he saw her.

' _Not good. Bad, bad, bad._ '

Despite Naruto's quick temper, _Sakura_ was the most emotional member of his team. Though never one to dwell on negative emotions (Kakashi was getting a sneaky feeling about _why_ that was the case), she was passionate in positive things and prone to openly sharing her affection towards all those around her. Including strangers.

For fuck's sake she was prepared to argue with her _sensei_ over the lives of _two missing-nin._

She was a bleeding heart that endlessly poured out optimism.

When confronted with pessimism, or things deemed "negative" she reacted by not reacting at all. She clearly had a habit of repressing unwanted things, so Kakashi had to conclude that she lacked the experience in dealing with traumatic, or otherwise unfortunate events. In the life of a kunoichi, or shinobi, where death and horrific things were abundant, that lack of experience was highly dangerous.

Naruto, at least, didn't ignore his feelings. He struggled to deal with them, but at least he was doing _something_ about them.

Sasuke openly embraced his anger and used it as a weapon. Strictly textbook, he was behaving like a perfect little shinobi.

Sakura, though, didn't deal. She didn't acknowledge. She didn't do _anything_ except try to smile through.

That kind of behavior, if not rectified early, shattered shinobi and kunoichi.

Kakashi would know.

It's what almost did him in.

Kakashi had _planned_ on setting her up with a Yamanaka psychiatrist after the exams (as Chūnin were required for an annual psychological evaluation), along with her other teammates. Therapy never worked for him, but he hoped it would be enough for her.

Unfortunately, life struck before he had the chance to do that.

So here his student was, having a panic attack, and Kakashi was at a loss at what to do.

' _One thing at a time._ '

Right.

Kakashi flickered before her, and placed his hand on her shoulder. Her body stiffened and her wild eyes moved up to meet his. He kneeled in front of her, placing his other hand over her mouth. "Calm down. Breathe with me. In. Out. In. Out."

It took a solid five minutes before her breathing settled down that Kakashi felt reasonably confident she wouldn't pass out. He slowly withdrew his hands. "Do you have family in the village?"

She shook her head, bits of her hair sticking to the dried blood on her cheek. Her pained green eyes trailed over to the two black scrolls on the table, and sheer agony rippled across her face. Kakashi's chest tightened uncomfortably at that, and he stood back up. "Can you walk?"

She nodded her head, then after a small pause, she shakily tried to stand up. The moment she put pressure on her legs, though, they folded. Kakashi quickly grabbed her before she could fall, and he realized she was shivering slightly.

' _She's freezing,_ ' he thought. ' _Okay, if I were her age—No. What did I want someone to do for me after I saw my father?_ '

' _Away. I wanted to get away from that house as fast as I could._ '

"Wh-What about K-Kaa-chan and T-Tou-chan?" she choked out. Kakashi readjusted his grip on her before he pocketed the two scrolls. Then he shifted his stance and he ran as fast as he could to his apartment. It was in the ANBU district, which was heavily guarded, so it was untouched by the invasion. He had to set her down for a brief minute before he could unlock the door, but it wasn't long before he brought her inside and took her straight towards the bathroom.

' _Hot water. She has to warm up,_ ' he thought before practically tossing her inside his bathroom (and silently thanking himself for doing laundry before today, so there were no dirty clothes for her to… creep on). Then he summoned Pakkun, and hoped his favorite companion would be able to take care of the rest because he sure as shit had no idea what to do.

Kakashi shut the door with a little too much haste than what was otherwise necessary, but he felt distinctly uncomfortable.

Then he summoned the rest of his Pack.

When in doubt, ask the dogs.

"You all know Sakura," he began. "Her parents died in the invasion today."

"Does she have a place to stay?" Urushi asked immediately.

Kakashi scratched the back of his head. "Uh. No. Well, actually she can stay here."

Bull cocked his head. "Do you even have a guest room?"

Kakashi shook his head. No one stayed over at his place. He didn't typically allow people inside his apartment to begin with. He could count on one hand the number of people he would allow to visit him at his place, and even less he would allow to crash on the couch. He never bothered with purchasing a spare futon because of that, or setting up a guest room.

Bisque made a disapproving sound. "Then you better hurry up and buy one. Get her some clothes, too, since she probably doesn't have a spare."

"Don't forget the underwear," Shiba added. When Kakashi's face colored, the pack chuckled at him. "Don't be a prude. She's your student, and she needs help. What would Minato-sama do?"

"Buy her clothes," Kakashi admitted, then sighed. "Okay." He made a clone, gave said clone his wallet, and sent it off. "Now what?"

Guruko sniffed loudly. "Did she eat?"

"I—I don't think so. Right. Feed her. Got it."

"The poor pup will need some affection," Uhei murmured. "She's always so bright, and her kaa-chan was very affectionate, wasn't she? She'll need that affection now more than ever."

The pack, as one, looked at the growing-flustered Kakashi, before they exchanged exasperated looks. Bull answered for them, " _We_ will provide that affection, pup. Don't look so panicked."

Relief settled over Kakashi, along with a mild sense of indignation. He _could_ be affectionate.

Probably.

Maybe.

Then again, given _who_ needed the affection, it would probably be best if he kept his affections to a minimum. It would be tremendously awful if he gave her the wrong impression during such a difficult time.

Besides, the pack was more experienced at this sort of thing than Kakashi was. The pack was the single reason Kakashi was still alive (figuratively and literally). While he would never take his life, like his father, he wasn't above taking on suicidal missions. If his dogs hadn't nursed him ever since he lost his father, he doubted even Minato-sensei's light would have been able to reach him.

The clone returned, then, and he made a couple more to start cooking dinner and clearing the office. Once enough room was made to lay down the futon, he dismissed them and finished up dinner. He brought it back to the room, and before he had a chance to set it down, Sakura and Pakkun presented themselves. "Um."

She stood awkwardly in the doorway, no longer covered in dried blood, but a heavy weight seemingly pressed down on her. There wasn't that familiar gleam of—of— _love_ in her eyes—

Until she noticed him, and for split second Kakashi could see that spark, and he was filled with so much relief his shoulder sagged.

The spark was gone, though, and the worry returned. Kakashi straightened his shoulders, and cocked his head towards the bed. "Sit."

She hesitated for a brief moment before she sat down. Bull pulled the covers over her lap, and the pack converged around her to form a tight circle. A ghost of a smile danced across her lips at that before disappearing when Pakkun sat in her lap. Kakashi squatted beside her, outside the circle, and handed her a bowl of fried rice.

"Eat," Kakashi ordered. "I don't care if you're not hungry. You need to eat. Drink the tea, too, it'lll… it'll help you sleep."

Sakura nodded, and began to meticulously eat. The longer the silence stretched on, the more worried Kakashi felt. Even after losing her patients, she still—she still _talked_ to him. She flirted, and teased, but she did none of that there. She was… lifeless.

Defeated.

Kakashi felt distinctly—distinctly—

He felt very much not okay with that. He didn't like seeing her like that one bit.

' _Minato-sensei would know what to do_. _He'd know the right words to say that would make her smile._ '

' _Obito would be able to make her laugh._ '

' _Rin would be able to comfort her._ '

' _Anyone would be better than me.'_

Shit. He had to rely on his dogs to comfort her because he was so awkward with it. Here he was concerned about _her_ lack of experience dealing with crap like that, and _he_ still refused to deal with it for others. Here was a prime time to earn that experience, and he shoved it off on his dogs.

Kakashi rubbed at his face, putting those unhelpful thoughts away for the moment. Thinking about himself when Sakura needed him was unacceptable. He would deal with his demons eventually, but right now he had to deal with _her's_.

When she was done eating, he put away her dishes and told her to get some sleep.

He didn't know why he was actually surprised when she said she couldn't.

He _definitely_ was surprised when she said _she_ was to blame for her parents' death.

The idea was laughable to Kakashi, in a twisted sense of how he could _perfectly_ understand why she would feel that way. He didn't dig the katana through his father's guts, but he shunned him like the rest of the villagers. He didn't force Obito to take his place, but his carelessness gave Obito the opportunity to sacrifice himself for Kakashi. He didn't get Rin kidnapped, but his lack of strength resulted in her death nonetheless.

He could tell himself over and over it wasn't his fault.

He would never believe himself, though.

The idea that Sakura was about to enter that same kind of cycle as him was simply awful. He wouldn't even wish it upon his worst enemy, let alone his favorite student.

When she began to sob uncontrollably, he instinctively reached out in a vain hope to comfort her. She threw himself into his arms, and for once he didn't feel quite so distressed with her physical contact.

He didn't even mind that his shirt was thoroughly covered in tears and snot within the hour.

All he wanted—all he could think about—was that he wished he could make her smile.

Eventually her sobs subsided to hiccups, and then slowly transitioned into heavy breathing. Kakashi didn't move from his spot for almost another hour, afraid of waking the exhausted girl. The dogs moved around him to give him proper support while he sat with her practically in his lap by that point.

"It'll take at least a week for them to finish repairing her home," Kakashi murmured to his dogs. "Insurance could take upwards of a month to finish processing."

"It might be best if she stayed with you for the month," Bisuke softly replied. "I doubt she'll be functional in only a week."

"Probably," Kakashi agreed reluctantly, then sighed for what felt like the hundredth time that night. "She'll have to go clothes shopping tomorrow, I bet. I'll… I'll see what I can do to get her insurance processed through."

Pakkun shifted slightly in Sakura's arms, licking at the goosebumps that crawled up and down her arms. "Would you be able to? She's legally an adult now, since she became a full-fledged kunoichi."

"I'll figure something out. There's no need to bother her with unnecessary details."

The Pack agreed as one.

Kakashi then began the process of gently tucking Sakura into her makeshift bed. The Pack moved around her, pressing their bodies against her and offering her a kind of warmth that Kakashi couldn't provide.

He left the room, and grimaced upon noticing the time.

' _Already almost five._ '

He made a clone to stay with the Pack and Sakura, and to start breakfast when Sakura would wake up. He changed into a clean uniform, brushed out the bits of dried blood from his hair, then left. He first went to Sakura's home to see if he could salvage any important documents that would help smooth the insurance process.

He lucked out that the Haruno family had had the forethought to bury their important documents in a safe under the house (standard procedure for most families that lived in a shinobi village—houses were typically destroyed _at least_ once a decade). He dug it up without any issue, and grabbed all of the documents.

Kakashi flipped through all of the documents before he found the Haruno Will.

He skimmed it, and felt immediately relieved that the will provided detailed instructions for their funeral arrangements, insurance claims, property, finances, stocks, etc. It included contact information for their lawyer (who lived in the capital), as well as possible guardianship for Sakura (not that that mattered anyway, since Sakura was a legal adult in the eyes of Konoha).

Kakashi made a clone to head to the Messenger Office to contact the family lawyer, while he personally went to the Insurance Department.

He wasn't surprised to find a curvy line wrapped outside of the building. During After-Emergencies the Insurance Department was one of the many buildings that had to remain open 24/7 until the Hokage declared the village had returned to Vigilant Peace.

Unlucky for them a new Hokage would have to be decided upon before they could catch a break.

Kakashi stoically entered the back of the line, noting that many other shinobi and kunoichi were in the line, their faces blank. Kakashi rummaged through his pocket before he pulled out his worn _Icha Icha_ and began to re-read the same page for the next couple of hours while he waited.

When it was finally his turn to meet with an agent, Kakashi lazily entered a small office and sat down across from a tired middle-aged man with enough scars to rival Ibiki. The man, who Kakashi realized was the previous ANBU Lt. Peacock, snorted upon seeing Kakashi. "No fucking way the ANBU Apartments were hit. Get the hell out."

"I'm not here for me," Kakashi responded, resisting the urge to smirk at the obviously irritated man. Annoying others had become a simple pleasure of Kakashi's. His younger self would have hated himself now (for a multitude of reasons), as irritating others was something only petulant and petty people did.

Kakashi didn't care, though. He loved it. It was even better when his comrades tried to unnerve him—tried and _failed_ every time.

Until a certain pink-haired kunoichi entered his life.

Now, Kakashi had a new appreciation for _not_ being annoying.

The "retired" shinobi gave Kakashi a disbelieving look. "Who for, then?"

"Student," Kakashi said, placing the multitude of documents onto the desk. Ex-Peacock picked them up, skimmed through them, and began to mutter to himself.

"It's not legal for you to," Ex-Peacock began, gesturing towards the paperwork, "you know. _Do this_. I take it her parents are dead?"

"Yep."

"Is she alive?"

"Yep."

"Maimed?"  
"Nope."

"Any reason to not return to active duty?"

A slight hesitation. "No."

"Then _legally_ there is no reason for her not to be here to fill out the forms. Sensei, or not, you do not have the legal standing to fill out the appropriate information, or really do _anything_ on her behalf."

Kakashi eye-smiled, feeling a trifle annoyed. "I'm sure she won't press charges."

"The Hokage—"

"I _highly_ doubt the new Hokage would press charges, either," Kakashi pressed.

"It's not right," Ex-Peacock reiterated, shaking his head. "And you should be ashamed of yourself for asking me to do this."

Kakashi continued to eye-smile.

Ex-Peacock gave a groan. "You are _not_ above the law, Dog."

"I would never imply such a thing. All I'm _suggesting_ is that you help me help my student; from one shinobi to another."

He glared at Kakashi, then. "If I say no, are you going to sick your damn Pack on me?"

"I would never use my dogs for such a thing," Kakashi said, mock aghast.

"Not _that_ Pack," Ex-Peacock snapped. "The doey-eyed ANBU that worship the ground you walk on. All, what, _fifty_ of them?"

Kakashi shrugged, not disagreeing with the possible threat. "I can't help it if I make an impression."

He shook his head, sighing again. "Fine. _Fine_. If I get fired over this—"

"You won't."

"If I get fired over this I'll set your apartment on fire."

Kakashi was _so_ impressed. "That's a completely boring threat coming from ex-ANBU."

"Sometimes the simpler things work the best," Ex-Peacock responded, then paused. "Shut up and start signing."

* * *

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* * *

A few days later, Kakashi had gone out to get some food (his cooking skills were limited, and though she didn't say anything, he was certain Sakura was growing tired of his pasta / rice). Kakashi hoped a change of pace would bring a smile back on her face.

Not the fake shit she tried to pull the other day, though.

When Kakashi saw that disgustingly fake smile the other day, he felt physically ill. Hindsight, he wished he had handled it better than immediately throwing his book at her, but he was glad he got the point across.

Kakashi's eyes drifted over towards his Sakura, and he wasn't surprised (no less disappointed) to find her dull eyes staring listlessly ahead. He never thought he would have reached the day where he _wished_ for his twelve year old student to flirt with him. Kakashi slowed his pace, and Sakura immediately matched his speed, her eyes flickering up to his'. Upon seeing his face, a tiny smile stretched across her lips and a spark of affection entered her eyes.

Kakashi reached over to her and patted her head. She reached up to grab his hand—probably to hold it—but as her fingers barely grazed the top of his hand, she seemed to jerk and shove her hands back into the pocket of her hoodie.

Kakashi repressed his sigh, gave her head another good pat, and then continued on. About five minutes later, they arrived at the quaint tea shop that Kakashi knew had excellent sweets (and while he did not have a sweet tooth, he remembered Naruto mentioning that Sakura did). After they had lunch, Kakashi planned on picking up the new pup for Sakura, and hopefully the combination of the two would cheer her up.

When Kakashi stopped walking, Sakura hurried to catch up to him , and when she did, he patted her on the head again. Her smile was a bit bigger than last time, and it reminded Kakashi of her usual smile. He reflexively smiled back at her, his pat becoming gentler. "See? _That's_ a good smile."

Her cheeks transitioned into a rosy complex, and her smile turned into a proper grin. It warmed Kakashi to see a glimpse of his student being happy.

He never would have thought that he would become attached to his students already. Was this what Minato felt like whenever the man was able to make Kakashi smile? It was a surprisingly nice feeling.

His students were the antithesis of his past. They weren't covered in blood, gore, or cynicism. Even Sasuke still had that spark of childish hope in his eyes from time to time. He wasn't lost, like many of Kakashi's comrades were.

Kakashi's precious students were tainted by war, or anything else of that ilk. While they certainly had their struggles, and their own demons to deal with, they weren't overburdened by them. They still had the kind of life and light in their eyes that Kakashi lost decades ago. In an odd way, being with his students was comforting to Kakashi.

So seeing one of his students, his normally most energetic one at that, so despondent was uncomfortable.

Kakashi was pulled from his thoughts when he thought he smelled someone familiar.

Kurenai and Asuma approached him and Sakura, and he casually struck up a conversation as he tried to pinpoint that scent.

His eyes roamed around until—

' _Itachi?_ '

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* * *

Then there was a sudden, entirely unexpected kick to the back of Kakashi's knees. He was so caught-off guard by it that it took two too many seconds long to recover from it, and by that point a pinkette had already leapt over to stand between him and Itachi.

And her eyes were locked with Itachi's.

He barely heard her whisper the word _pain_ and then _she_ fell forward. Kakashi grabbed her before she fell entirely in the water, his mind whirling in disbelief and horror.

"Let's go, Kisame," Itachi said softly, and Kakashi's gaze snapped up in reflex, but Itachi was not focused on him. For a millisecond the missing-nin _was staring at his student_ , and then dozens of crows emerged from him and he and Kisame were gone.

For a split-second, Kakashi's body tensed to follow them, but then he remembered his unconscious— _please don't be dead—_ student in his arms and his attention returned to her. Kurenai let out a quiet gasp, and hurried to kneel beside Kakashi, her right hand glowing a soft green as she placed it over Sakura's forehead.

"She," Kurenai began, then hesitated, "she needs medical assistance. Her chakra structures are strained. We have to hurry."

"What about It—" Asuma began, but Kakashi was already gone.

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* * *

Anger surged through him every time he saw her face.

'Why _would she do that?'_ Kakashi thought, a strange sense of disbelief permeating his thoughts. ' _What_ possible _delusion entered into her head that she thought she could stand up against a_ missing-nin _. She had no trouble letting me fight Zabuza before, so why_ now?'

Was it her way of dealing with grief?

Throw herself into hopeless situations and hope for the enemy to be merciful and end her suffering?

Fuck, that was _no way_ to live. That mindset would ruin her.

One of Sakura's friends, Hinata, passed by Kakashi in the hallway of the hospital. Hinata smiled at him and bowed, and Kakashi returned it with a polite head dip, before continuing his furious pacing.

He couldn't believe Sakura was _that_ stupid.

He couldn't believe he let her get the drop on him.

' _If I—'_

Nope. No, no, no. He was not going to play that game with himself. He did what he could at the time, and he had no way of knowing his student would be such a dumbass.

There was harsh pounding of footsteps and Kakashi was surprised to find one of Naruto's shadowclones racing down the hallway. "Kakashi-sensei!"

"Naruto, what are you doing here?" Kakashi asked.

"It's just a clone, Sensei," Naruto dismissed. "Th-There was this old couple talking about a fight in Konoha with a pink haired kunoichi."

 _Of course the gossip reached Naruto,_ Kakashi thought. _Why wouldn't it?_

"Sakura's alive," Kakashi said. "Is that why you sent a clone? To check on her?"  
"Yeah! I went by her house first, but it's destroyed and I didn't know where she and her family were staying, so I was really confused on where to go to next. But then I realized that if she _was_ in some kind of fight, she would be at a hospital! So I got here and I asked the lady up front of Sakura was here and she sent down up here, and here I am."

"So the real you is with Jiraiya-sama?" Kakashi inquired.

Naruto nodded firmly. "Yeah. Clones are pretty neat! Sakura-chan told me how when a clone gets destroyed I can keep its memories."

"That is certainly true."

Naruto beamed. "It's pretty handy! But, anyway, where is Sakura? How is she?"

Kakashi tilted his head towards Sakura's room, and Naruto practically threw himself inside. "Sakura-chan! Oh, hi Hinata-chan!"

Naruto closed the door behind him, preventing Kakashi from hearing Hinata's response.

Kakashi scratched the back of his head, his irritation still present.

' _Thinking about it won't change anything. If—When she wakes up, I'll talk to her, then,_ ' Kakashi thought.

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 **End of Kakashi's POV, First Person POV OC!Sakura**

Kakashi wheeled us home, and I gently stroked Brightheart while cooing to her. We bought her her own food bowl, water bowl, along with chew toys, a blanket, a bed, and some special shampoo to use for her scarred skin.

As we rounded another corner on our way back to his apartment, we stopped short when an out-of-breath Sasuke leapt down at us from the rooftops. His eyes were wide, with an almost manic gleam in them as he looked us over, before his gaze locked in on me. I gave him a smile and a wave, unintentionally waking Brightheart up from her slumber.

Sasuke's face morphed into mild horror. "Are you—can you walk?"

"I'm physically capable of doing so, but it would be counterintuitive with resting up," I answered him. "Don't worry, it's nothing permanent. Naruto's bringing back the best medical kunoichi the world has ever known, and she'll fix me up good as new."

Relief settled over his face, and Kakashi cleared his throat. "You were looking for us?"

"I ran into Hinata—she—she mentioned that Sakura had a run-in with I-Itachi and was in the hospital," Sasuke stumbled over Itachi's name, spitting it out like a bad piece of fruit.

I reached towards Sasuke, grabbing his hand and giving it a comforting squeeze. I smiled as warmly and as surely as I could. "Don't worry, Duck-Butt. Everything is okay. I'll be fine. Ita-chan didn't do anything that I wasn't prepared for."

That made his eyes narrow (and I could practically feel Kakashi's annoyed glare at me from behind), and Brightheart let out a soft growl, clearly unhappy to be awoken from her nap.

Sasuke looked down at Brightheart, his expression unreadable. "Did you get a puppy, or something?"

"This is our fur baby," I told Sasuke, patting the grumpy Brightheart on the head.

"She is not—" Kakashi let out a sigh. "She is not our fur baby."

I covered Brightheart's ears with a scandalized gasp. "How _dare_ you say that in front of our child."

"So you're both fine," Sasuke interrupted firmly.

"Of course we are," I dismissed. "I wouldn't let anything happen to Kakashi-sensei."

"Even if that means throwing yourself in front of a S-Ranked missing-nin," Kakashi muttered.

" _Especially_ if it means throwing myself in front of Ita-chan and Kisame-sama," I said firmly, then sighed dreamily at the thought of Kisame opening my presents. I wondered what face he made when he saw everything. I really hoped he would wear everything I made for him. I bet he would look absolutely irresistible in mittens.

Sasuke shook his head in exasperation at me. "That man is not someone to take lightly. He—he's a monster."

I held up Brightheart to Sasuke and the puppy protested heavily at being lifted up from her comfy spot in my lap. "But I got Brightheart because of him. How could a monster give me such a cute puppy?"

" _I_ gave you the puppy," Kakashi corrected, clearly offended that I was giving Itachi all the credit.

"So you admit it," I cried out. "She came from you, and since I am her mother, that makes you the father! Ergo: Brightheart is our fur baby."

Kakashi made a funny frustrated noise.

"I'm leaving before I get sucked into your twisted little family," Sasuke informed us.

"You're the uncle. Please provide her with love, support, and treats."

Sasuke stared at me another moment before he promptly turned on his heel and left.

"Pork is her favorite," I called after him. Only when he was out of sight, did I tilt my head to look up at Kakashi and wink at him. "Thank you for having a fur baby with me."

Kakashi flicked my nose.

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* * *

Brightheart was officially the single cutest patootie to have ever breathed.

There was no argument, no contest, absolutely no opposition. She was undeniably adorable and if anyone ever tried to tell me otherwise, I would unleash my villainous mind upon them and inflict unspeakable horrors. Horrors that were so horribly horrible simply thinking about them would horrify someone.

Brightheart gave me another snarl as she tried to gnaw my hand. She stopped putting significant effort into after about an hour of returning home from shopping with Kakashi. She was curled into my lap, alternating between biting my right hand, and simply holding it in her mouth and growling. My left hand kept petting her as gently as I could.

I sat on Kakashi's couch, entirely enamored by the adorable puppy that now depended upon me.

"Your home should be finished with its repair within the next day or so," Kakashi said, entering the living room and taking a seat beside me. My eyes flickered up towards him, before I returned my attention to Brightheart. "I'll help you settle back in, if you'd like."

"Thank you," I thanked quietly, hesitating for a moment before asking, "What do I do about Brightheart when I go on missions? I know we got automatic feeders and waterers, and I'm sure I could hook up a doggy door for her, and build a large enough fence in the backyard that she won't escape, but… I don't want her to be all alone."

"There are plenty of options," Kakashi reassured me. "You can set up a daily D-Rank mission and hire a Genin team to play with her for a few hours, and take care of her. You can have them take care of her for however many times of the day you like. There are hotels for her to stay at if you would rather she receive constant supervision. I'm sure some of your friends would also be more than happy to take care of her."

I felt relieved at the many options. "Yeah, you're right. Hina-chan and Ino-chan would be more than happy to let her stay with them when I'm gone."

Kakashi eye-smiled at me, and I couldn't resist beaming back at him. For the first time in awhile, I felt happy. Between Brightheart's adorableness and Kakashi's sheer amazingness, it was hard to dwell on not-okay things and when I didn't think about not-okay things I felt pretty okay.

Which was spectacular. I much rather preferred feeling okay than—than the other stuff. Like whoo boy, did I not want to deal with that other stuff. That other stuff could stay behind a fifty kilometer high wall, millions of lightyears away from me, please and thank you.

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* * *

It was early in the morning the next day. Hardly past five, really, with the sun barely glimpsing over the horizon and bringing light into the gray apartment. Last night was the first night I slept without dreams, and when I woke up to find Brightheart snuggled against me, I was overcome with emotions that I began to hysterically cry.

Of course that woke up Kakashi immediately and he came running in only to find me laughing while hysterically crying.

" _Wha-Wha-What's w-wrong w-w-w-with me-e-e?!" I had cried out between hiccups._

 _He flailed a bit. "If I knew, we wouldn't be in this mess!"_

Ah, good times.

Anyway, so after I had calmed down it was decided that we would both just get up for the day at three something in the morning. Kakashi moved me to the couch and shoved a handful of adventure novels in my lap before heading off to get food for breakfast (he returned with breakfast dumplings). He also made me promise I wouldn't ask the Goggle Gods to introduce me to Obito while I was gone.

I held the adorable lump that was Brightheart near my face before I began to nuzzle her. I only stopped when I heard three sharp taps on the window in the living room. Kakashi got up from his spot on the couch and opened it to a brown and black hawk with a carrier tube tied to it. It was odd to see it so early in the morning, but I guess five wasn't _that_ early.

Kakashi opened the carrier hawk's message, remarking that it was addressed to me. He read it over briefly, before folding it back up and handing me a small envelope that was attached to it. "Your house has finished reconstruction. Insurance for the house is inside. Your parents' life insurance is also inside. Ah, I, uh, also took the liberty of contacting your family's lawyer. He should be arriving before the week ends."

"Okay," was my response. What else could I have said?

He shifted, and I looked down at Brightheart, who was curled in my lap. Her one good eye constantly flickered around. I ran my fingers through her fur, my touch growing lighter when I ran over the bald, or scarred spots.

"Do you," Kakashi began, then paused, "do you want to see it?"

I nodded my head, even though I didn't really want to see it.

Kakashi got out my wheelchair, and I awkwardly got into it. Brightheart made a small protest in the back of her throat that I had to transition from being on the couch with her to a creaky wheelchair.

Then we headed out.

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* * *

I held Brightheart close to me (as close as I could, at least without making her too uncomfortable), and when the sun hit me, I couldn't resist smiling.

No matter what happened, the sun always came up.

Being with Kakashi was also nice. Fangirling aside, I took great comfort in his presence. The fact that he stayed utterly calm and assured the entire time made me feel _millions_ better.

It helped me shove aside the heart-stopping-gut-clenching-bitterly-cold guilt I felt any time my thoughts lingered too far away from—from anything happy. It was easier to focus on happy with him, because he made me happy.

"That cloud looks like a slice of pizza," I told Kakashi, nodding towards said cloud. He looked at it, moving slowly as he wheeled me towards my ho—ho— _home_.

Kakashi let out a _hmm_ sound. "Looks more like the tip of a kunai to me."

"I could see that. I prefer pizza more than kunai, though, to be honest."

"Can't say I've had the pleasure of eating pizza before."

"I can make you some," I offered immediately, titling my head back and looking up at him.

His dark eyes flickered down towards me, and I felt a sudden surge of happiness in my chest. It was so unexpected, I wasn't able to tone down my beaming smile that ensued. Kakashi blinked in surprise at me, before he let out a quiet chuckle and flicked my nose.

I gave a squawk, and reached up to swat his hand away, but he already withdrew it and continued to wheel me towards my ho-home.

The village looked better. Life had breathed itself into the streets of Konoha again; one could hardly find a damaged street or area. As the sun slowly rose into the sky, the people rose with it and there was amicable chatter and groggy laughter filling the streets once more.

The walk to my home was pleasant because of it.

When we entered the neighborhood, I felt my stomach churn, and when we got to my home, my world titled for a brief second.

There was no garden, nor any cute stone path to lead up to a painted red door and a worn welcome mat. It was a small two-story house that held no personality or life. Kakashi seemed to sense my unease because he placed a tentative hand on my shoulder. I leaned my head against the hand, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath.

I took every bit of grief I felt inside of me, and I shoved it away.

I was not the type of person to dwell on such unhappy thoughts—on things that I could not change.

Kaa-chan was dead.

Tou-chan was dead.

Nothing could be done or said to change that fact.

They loved me. And I loved them. We all knew this, and we never doubted our love for one another for a second.

Nothing could be done or said to change that fact.

There was a house in front of me, though, that I could change. I had their memories, and thoughts, and hopes for me, that I could still act upon. I could honor them—I _would_ honor them—in a way that I was certain would make them happy. I could hope that, somehow, that I could still make them happy.

If I didn't have that hope, I—

I—

I would not give that hope up. No use dwelling on the what ifs.

When I reopened my eyes, the house seemed a bit warmer.

I looked up at Kakashi, a smile on my face and I said, "I'm going to have a lot of work today."

Kakashi stared at me a moment, his single eye widening briefly and then—

—It softened?

He gave me a smile that warmed every part of my body, and filled me with a kind of determined energy. He ruffled my hair and began to wheel me towards the front door. He effortlessly picked up the entire wheel chair over the front two steps. "Maa. Let's take a look around and take stock of what you want, and need. Afterwards, we can shop for furniture and paint. What we don't find, we'll order."

I beamed at my sensei, and Brightheart rolled over in her sleep with a quiet snort, hugging my right hand that I kept on her.

We toured the rebuilt home, and I told Kakashi what I planned to do in each room.

When someone entered our home they were first greeted to a simple hallway. At the end of the hallway were the stairs that lead upstairs. On the left side of the hallway, before the stairs, was an open doorway to our kitchen. Mirroring that on the right side was an open doorway that lead to the living room. The kitchen took up a decent sized corner of the house, and through it (heading towards our backyard) was the dining room.

My family did not typically use the dining room (we preferred to eat in the kitchen at a quaint white wooden table), and instead it was used for Tou-chan's woodwork, or Kaa-chan's painting.

The living room took up the entire bottom right side of our home, except for a small toiletry room in the back right corner. Kaa-chan had _hundreds_ of little knick-knacks she'd collect (all in a flower or cat related theme). She hung her finished pieces on the wall when she didn't want to sell them. By the time I had turned nine, she had covered every inch of the wall and had to start placing paintings in the hallways and in their bedroom.

Out the back door was a small patio Tou-chan made when I was five. It came out from the house about three meters before transitioning into steps towards Kaa-chan's prized lemon and cherry trees.

Heading up the stairs, at the very top there was a door to the immediate left that lead to the master bedroom. To the right was a hallway that wrapped around the staircase and had two doors on it. The first door lead to a small storage room, and the next door at the end lead to my room. My room had an attached bathroom, just as Kaa-chan's and Tou-chan's room did.

That was our home.

Tou-chan painted our kitchen walls the color of my eyes when I was born. He was a hobbyist woodworker, and created beautiful pale wainscoting panels around the house. Unfortunately those panels no longer existed since they weren't part of the original design.

Kakashi mentioned he knew someone in woodworking that he would be willing to talk to for me, and I beamed at him in response.

I wanted to create an exact replica of our kitchen. Quite a large chunk of happy memories came from the family meals, or weekend baking with Kaa-chan and Tou-chan. There wasn't anything I wanted to do differently in the kitchen, and it felt like a nice way to honor those inordinately joyful memories. Perhaps it was unhealthy to want to recreate it. Maybe once it was done, whenever I looked into the kitchen I would feel sad all over again.

But I didn't want that to happen, and I didn't think they would want that, either.

I wanted to make even more happy memories inside that lovely kitchen. Even if it was awkward, or even painful at first, I believed it was for the best.

I decided to turn the dining room area into a workshop for my poisons. Kakashi made a remark about how I probably shouldn't keep toxins so close to food, but I decided that that was all part of the thrill.

I wasn't sure on all the colors I wanted to use, or what furniture I should purchase. All I knew was that I wanted my home to be as bright and warm as I could make it. Kakashi mentioned that he was sure that there would be plenty of helpful employees at the furniture stores that would be more than happy to assist me in that endeavour.

When we went up stairs to the master bedroom, I felt uncomfortable again. Even more so when Kakashi asked, "Are you going to sleep here now?"

"I, I don't know," I admitted quietly.

"You should," Kakashi told me. "The sooner you replace old memories with new ones, the better. Especially if you intend to stay here for any long periods of time."

"I intend to stay here until the day I die," I declared stubbornly.

Kakashi chuckled at that, and onwards we continued. When it was time to look at the backyard, I realized I would have to put in a fence for Brightheart, too. And that—that Kaa-chan's precious trees were long gone.

' _I wonder if I should bother replanting them now, or wait until after Pein's invasion?'_ I wondered.

 **Probably should wait until after Konoha gets destroyed** _ **again**_ **.**

' _Ugh.'_

Once the tour was over, it was nearing noon, but neither of us were particularly hungry. We decided we would eat after shopping.

I hoped to get the essential furniture that day, or tomorrow, so I could move out of Kakashi's apartment. It was incredibly kind of Kakashi to allow me to stay with him, but I understood that Kakashi was a man of intense privacy and having me live with him was likely taxing.

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* * *

After lunch, we began to head out towards one of the furniture stores. To our surprise, though, Sasuke ran into us. I noticed he had a wrapped up bundle in his arms.

"There you are," Sasuke said, then frowned. "What are you doing?"

"We're shopping for furniture for my home," I told Sasuke. "Kakashi knows the best places."

Sasuke's brow furrowed. "Why?"  
"My h-home was destroyed. Reconstruction finished last night, so now I have to fill it back up with furniture and whatnot."

"Ah," Sasuke said, then paused. "Why aren't your parents—?"

Unease.

"They didn't—um—they didn't— _um_ —"

He realized.

Sasuke shifted uncomfortably, his gaze lowered and his head turned away. "Do you guys need help?"

Kakashi eye-smiled. "More the merrier, right?"

"Right," I agreed, holding Brightheart closer to me. The puppy let out a soft growl, but re-settled.

Sasuke looked down at the bundle in his arms. "I, I, was going to return the bento boxes that your kaa-chan loaned to me. Do you—"

"I'll take them back," I told him, "and I'll use them to make your lunches for her."

He gave me what was clearly his hilariously sad attempt to smile.

"Oh, honey," I sighed, gesturing for him to come closer. "Come here so I can pat your cheek and remind you that you are cared for and supported."

"Shut up," Sasuke snapped.

"Children, behave," Kakashi said in an entirely condescending tone.

"Love, I can't promise that," I told him. "Misbehaving earned me a fur baby with you.

What else could I earn by misbehaving, I wonder?"

"Misbehaving did not earn you a fur baby," Kakashi corrected me. "I gave her to you to help you, not reinforce your sheer stupidity."

"You aren't denying she's a fur baby anymore?" Sasuke questioned.

I clapped my hands with delight. "Oh! You're right, Sasuke, he didn't deny Brightheart was his fur baby."

"I shouldn't have to deny it in every sentence," Kakashi immediately defended, "Don't encourage her, Sasuke."

"Why not?" Sasuke asked with a shrug. "If it means she's not bothering _me_ …"

"So you would use your poor sensei as pervert bait?" Kakashi demanded mockingly. "How cruel."

"She also bribes me with pizza," Sasuke added, "So…" He shrugged again, smirking tauntingly at Kakashi.

"I guess the only response to that is: Youthful Course Level Five when you're ready to return to duty," Kakashi said cheerfully.

Sasuke and I winced.

* * *

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* * *

About two and a half weeks had passed since we went shopping for furniture. Sasuke and Kakashi helped me set my home up, with the occasional obligated grumble about it. Most of the furniture I wanted had to be ordered, unfortunately, so it took about a week for everything to arrive. It gave us plenty of time to build the fence in the backyard, though, and paint. Once I had the essential furniture, though, at the end of that week I moved back into my home.

It was awkward getting around in a wheelchair, and the upstairs was essentially off limits for the moment, so I slept on the futon downstairs with Brightheart. Kakashi checked up on me about once a day to make sure I hadn't done a ritual to meet up with Obito (I was _really_ regretting saying that).

To my surprise, Sasuke visited me about once a day, too. He helped me make lunch, typically (I showed him a new tomato-themed recipe every day. He really loved Italian food), and once the food was eaten and he felt confident that I wouldn't die, he left. We didn't talk a lot during his visits, but that was okay. The fact that he made the effort at all meant a lot to me.

Hinata was the next person to find about my, ah, family issue, since she came to visit me as soon as she was able.

It turned into a bit of a crying-fest, so I would rather not think about it.

She visited me every day at breakfast, though. She stayed for a few hours, knitting things with me and indulging in my Kisame-involved fantasies.

On the day Naruto returned with Tsunade, Hinata was planting poisonous plants in my front garden with me. Sasuke had arrived a bti earlier than usual to give me a handful of seeds from his tou-chan's garden, in exchange for a calzone. Hinata came at her usual time with seeds of her own, knowing about the exchange, along with some gardening tools.

The day was warm, and pleasant. I decided to plant the garden in front of the house, so Brightheart could have free reign of the backyard without worry. We had built a privacy fence around the house, then painted it white. I bought a nice dog house out back, along with a sunning mat for Brightheart to lay on (she loved it). There might not have been a patio like before, but that just meant more room for Brightheart to play in.

Hinata patted down the soft earth after she planted the last of the seeds.

I mixed the fertilizer in with the large watering can while she did so, and then said, "I don't suppose you know how often I'm supposed to water these things?"  
"I wrote all the instructions you need to know in here," Sasuke said, stepping outside the house with a perfectly wrapped calzone in one hand. He tossed me a clean small black leather notebook. I flipped it open to find extremely delicate looking handwriting inside.

"Why do you have better handwriting than me?" I whined.

Sasuke sneered at me. "Because I don't rush things like you."

"I can be patient," I protested. "I patiently waited for these seeds."  
"You badgered me for them for days," Sasuke immediately denied.

Hinata giggled at that. "I'm sure Sa-chan didn't _badger_ you for them, Sasuke-san."

Sasuke gave her a deadpan look, which made made Hinata erupt into another fit of giggles. Her contagious happiness actually got a small twitch from Sasuke's lips, and a giggle from me.

"Thank you for the notebook," I thanked Sasuke, flipping through a few more pages. "Oh."

"I wrote down a few extra things," Sasuke admitted. "Not everything from tou-san's garden provided seeds this season, but since they're still helpful I thought you would include them in your garden eventually…"

Sasuke had _filled_ the notebook with detailed explanations on each plant he had in his garden—and a few, I suspected, that he did not have. The gesture was admirable, and it warmed me. I may not have been his favorite person in the world, but I was glad that I had somehow managed to worm my way into his circle of "tolerable" people.

"Thank you," I said again, trying to convey my sincerity.

He shrugged, a sheepish look on his face for a millisecond before he turned his head away so I couldn't see. "It's whatever. We're teammates. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodbye, Sasuke-san," Hinata called after him, and I echoed her. Sasuke gave a small wave without looking back as he exited my front yard. He shut the gate behind him, and was gone in the next moment.

Hinata and I went back to working on the yard in silence for another ten minutes before we were interrupted by a joyous shout. At once, our heads lifted up to find Naruto throwing open our gate and tackling into me. "SAKURA-CHAN!"

I let out an _umph_ as my dear friend knocked the air right out of me. Naruto released the hug and sat on my belly, his sparkling blue eyes lit up with utter adoration and happiness. His trademark grin was endearing, and I couldn't resist grinning excitedly back at him. "My son!"

"I brought you the big-boobed hag," Naruto exclaimed, turning his head to look at Tsunade who was staring at the display with plain amusement. I tilted my head and waved at her and Shizune, who had just arrived on the scene looking extremely flustered and holding the cute wittle piggy wiggy.

"Nice to meet you beautiful young lady," I called out. "I'm Sakura Haruno. And that's my waifu, Hinata Hyūga."

"I'm the waifu of Sakura-chan," Hinata introduced herself.

Naruto pouted. "Wha? How come Sakura-chan gets a waifu? What's a waifu?"

I smiled and patted Naruto's cheek. "Hina-chan can be your waifu, too. You have to treat her well, though. Can you do that, dear?"

Naruto rolled off me as Hinata let out a yip of surprise from my words. Naruto hopped over to Hinata and beamed at her. "Wanna be my waifu, Hinata-chan?"  
"O-Okay," Hinata wheezed, smooshing her tomato-colored cheeks.

"It's a pleasure to meet you all," Shizune responded hesitantly. "I'm Shizune, and this is Tsunade-sama."

"I heard one of you was a dumbass," Tsunade said bluntly, eyeing me.

I sat up. "I am the queen of dumbasses. How may I help you?"

"The brat persuaded me to take a look at you," Tsunade said, entering my front yard and striding towards me. The woman was as gorgeous in real life as she was in the anime, and I openly ogled her. Tsunade squatted down beside me, her right hand flaring to life with soothing green chakra. She gently placed her hand over my forehead and my entire body began to tingle.

A solid thirty seconds ticked by in silence of feeling tingly before she pulled back and smirked. "There. You're training in medical, right? You know how to rehabilitate yourself after being wheelchair for so long?"

I grinned at her. "Hell yeah. Thanks, gorgeous."

She preened. "It was nothing."

"You, my sweet, are the antithesis of _nothing_ ," I purred.

"Can you _not_ flirt with every attractive woman you see?" Naruto wondered out loud.

I batted my eyelashes and gave a wink to Shizune, causing the poor woman to look extremely uncomfortable. Tsunade laughed at me. "Ah. A female young Jiraiya. I've seen it all."

"I bet I can show you more," I teased.

"Call me in twenty years kiddo," Tsunade dismissed, standing back up. "Let's go Shizune."

"Call me whenever you're bored and I will liven your night," I called after her as she and Shizune left. "Alright, now someone help me up so I can start doing my rehab!"

Naruto and Hinata moved at the same time towards me, both grabbing my opposite arm and lifting me up. I wobbly stood on my feet, triumph blooming inside of me. I couldn't resist beaming at my two precious friends, and they both smiled back at me in return.

"This calls for a celebration," I declared. "I demande cake!"

"I'll make it," Hinata exclaimed excitedly, a spark in her eyes.

Naruto's face lit up. "I wanna eat the leftover batter!"

"Only if you h-help me," Hinata told him.

"You got yourself a deal!"

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 ** _Share love to Cantrona who created this gorgeous cover art for me._**

 _1 - I have legit reasons for slow updates. Reason one: Getting married this October and my bridesmaids / maid of honor requested personal stories as their thank you gifts. Only have one story left! Reason two: I started my own original story that I hope to have published. :)_

 _2 - We're done with the angst. Say goodbye to the angst until Itachi returns. Please give a warm welcome back to crack humor._

 _3 - Yes Brightheart is named after Brightheart from the greatest book series in the world, Warriors by Erin Hunter. I can always count on it to turn me into a blubbery mess._

 _4 - There is a reason Sakura knew about the Salamanders despite their location not canonically given. Same reason she knows about the Rainbow Stick Story._

 _5 - By popular request, I will be covering the Princess of the Land of Snow or w/e movie in the upcoming chapter. Preview of it was posted on tumblr a while ago. Still largely inspired by Zeroxydeous's review._

 **Rough Preview:**

I watched the crew work on the set, admiring the scene and the hottie's ability to act despite being so apathetic.

Plus, with her bent over like that, it gave me a good angle to compare her to Kakashi.

His was still better, in my opinion, but she ranked third. Which was impressive considering her competition.

Naruto and Sasuke were below deck eating some rice cakes I had made, and Kakashi took up a position a little ways from all of us on the deck. His gaze was transfixed out to the ocean, and if I didn't have other plans in mind, I would have immediately headed over to him and cuddled up against him claiming I had to conserve my chakra.

However, something far more important was predominant in my mind.

When the scene ended, I headed over to the director and cleared my throat. The director looked over at me, squinting and frowning. "Yes?"

"I am quite the fan," I began, "and I noticed that in all of hime's movies, she has had no love interest."

The man grunted in response.

"I was wondering if that might be because of your own lack of inspiration for love?" I inquired sweetly.

The director laughed loudly. "Somethin' like that. Can't say I've seen any good romances that would match with her."

I bowed to him. "Then allow me to enlighten you on this journey. I shall inspire you with my love for my teacher–"

Kakashi's head whipped around, and wasted no time in shushening to me, and tossing me over his shoulder. I took the opportunity to pinch booty again and he made a funny choking noise. "Please ignore my deranged student."

"You will surrender to my love, Kakashi-sensei. Like hime defeated the villains in the sequel, I will conquer your love and claim it for my own!"

Kakashi slowly inched us away from the group during my declaration, moving more quickly as some of the crewmen began to snigger.

The director smiled coyly. "I look forward to seeing you inspire me, Sakura-chan."

"Challenge ACCEPTED!"

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 **Extra Two: Because why not.**

I sauntered into one of Konoha's bars because I had seen a sexy ass walk in moments before. My eyes were rewarded for my decision upon finding the Nymph of Sexiness, Anko, heading up to the bar with a leer on her face.

I followed behind her, hopping into the seat right next to her and purring, "May I buy you some dango, my goddess?"  
Anko turned her head and her face split into a smirk/grin. She draped an arm around my shoulders. "Ahh. My favorite slave. Why, I suppose I can grant you the _blessing_ of purchasing dango for me."

I mock-shuddered. "Oh. My darling, you're too kind to me."

"Just wait until the clock hits midnight, cutie," Anko responded, pulling me closer and leering at the clock above the wall. "I'll show you a world you've never seen."

I placed a hand over my heart and made a dramatic sigh of joy. " _Oh, Anko-sama._ "

"Just keep saying my name, sweetie."

The bartender gave us a horrified look.

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Ten minutes before midnight, many plates of dango and bottles of sake surrounded us, along with a good portion of drunk shinobi. We were cheering over some form of game that I didn't entirely understand—some form of strip poker—but I was somehow winning because I was the last one still fully dressed (not counting the shoes I had to take off). There was chanting, jeering, and laughter, but most importantly there was a countdown to midnight.

Now, I didn't know what happened at midnight, but I had a feeling that it was going to be awesome because Anko was _really_ excited about it. And anything that got Anko excited _had_ to be fun.

Unfortunately for me, I didn't find out that night.

Because a certain bar tender got in contact with a certain teacher _barely_ in time.

I placed my cards down and let out a smirk of victory when the man across from me let out a cry of despair, because he knew he had to get rid of his pants (but he still had his boxers). The others cheered around me, and just before the man got up to strip—

The door flew open—

And there was a hand over my eyes and away I was whisked. " _Anko-sama!_ "

"No, my slave!" Anko cried out. "Come back to me~"

"No, no, no, no, no, no," Kakashi denied, throwing me over his shoulder and practically sprinting out of that bar. " _Holy fuck, no_. You are _fourteen_."

"But I have the heart of a horny twenty-something year old," I sobbed. "Noo. Take me back to my goddess."

" _Are you drunk_?!"

"No," I lied.

Then I pinched his booty becaues he threw me over his shoulder, and it was totally defenseless.

He threw me into the river.

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 _Eh. Bit of a time skip for that extra, but who cares._

 _Reviews are **love**._


	12. Lights, Camera, Romance!

_"Me: I'm actually happy with my life!_

 _Life: Lmao, hold my beer."_

 _-Anonymous_

 _ **To hell with logic.**_

 _ **Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto. _

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"Alright, you're cleared for missions again," Shizune told me.

It had been a week since Tsunade returned to the village, and the village was beyond joyous to have their darling princess—ah, queen now—back. Tsunade went to quick work in focusing the efforts to stabilize the village after the invasion, in addition to personally seeing to some of the trickiest patients that the standard hospital workers couldn't handle.

Shizune took up as the unofficial new leader of the hospital. The previous head was getting ready for retirement and was all too happy to pass on the responsibilities to Tsunade's protege. Naturally, also being the Hokage's aid, Shizune was outrageously busy. She didn't take a lot of patients (only the patients that Tsunade personally attended to), but she made the exception for me since I was Naruto's best friend (HAHA TAKE THAT SASUKE).

Thankfully, since I had been keeping up with my physical therapy and not over exerting myself while I was wheelchair bound, it didn't take much to bring me back up to speed. After a week of focused care, and light training with my team, I was cleared for missions.

Yippee!

I beamed. "Thanks, Senpai!"

Shizune smiled at me, a light blush on her cheeks. "Always happy to help. It's so nice to be settled down in one place."

I reached over and gave her shoulder a squeeze. "I'm glad that you're happy. I hope that you can think of Konoha as a home."

"I'm sure that won't be a problem," Shizune reassured me.

A grin stretched over my face. "Lovely. Thanks again for walking me through the healing process. I haven't gotten a lot of proper hands-on experience since I did the heart transplant in Wave."

Shizune blinked. "The what in what?"

"On our first mission outside the village I got to do a heart transplant," I said excitedly. "Haku took Kakashi's Chidori through the chest, so he needed a new heart. It was really scary, but I think it was good experience."

Shizune balked. "Wait—you did a heart transplant _on your first mission_?"

"First one outside the village," I corrected her. "And yes. Kakashi and Zabuza helped me find some of the veins and whatnot inside, though. I couldn't have done it without them."

"Were they—did they also use Shōsen and assist you?"

"I was the only one who knew how to use Shōsen."

"So you were essentially on your own?"

"Well, I suppose if you want to get _technical_ about it—"

"Sakura, that's unbelievable."

"You can look at the mission report if you don't believe me—"

"No, no," Shizune said quickly, still stupefied, "it's simply that, that, that it's amazing. You're only twelve and you already performed major cardiovascular surgery."

I shrugged. "To be fair I, _coincidentally_ , studied heart transplants before the mission. And Kakashi and Zabuza were the ones who really helped guide me. I don't think I would have been successful without them."

Shizune's eyes widened. "You were _successful_?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"Oh my. Have you considered becoming a full-time iryo-nin?"

"It is something I have considered, yes," I told her. "But, I also want to be some kind of damage-dealer. If I can't solo enemies on my own, then that's no fun."

"That's not problem," Shizune assured me. "With your natural talent, though, I feel confident you could have the skills to specialize in at least two fields. If you're serious about becoming an iryo-nin, though, you should come with me on my rounds at the hospital."

My eyes grew large and I felt a pleasant flip-flop in my stomach. Excitedly, I asked, "Are you sure? I'm still technically twelve, so wouldn't people be wary?"

"I'll claim you as my apprentice if that's the case," Shizune dismissed. "Perhaps Tsunade may even want to take you up as her last apprentice once she sees what you're capable of."

"Oh, boy! When can I come around?"

"Any time you have free time," Shizune said. "I know you'll be doing a lot of missions for the village to help bring it back on track from the invasion, but when you have time I think it would be greatly beneficial to you to come on rounds with me."

"Thanks, I definitely will. Hey, do you work with poisons?"

"Frequently. It's actually my go-to offense," Shizune admitted.

I grinned. "Me, too! Sorta. I mean, I'm learning. Would it be—I mean would it be okay to ask for a lethal recipe?"

Shizune tilted her head. "You don't have any lethal recipes?"

I shook my head. "No. Only a Chuunin—"

" _Really_?"

"Yeah. So a lot of the good stuff is restricted. Given my team's natural magnetism towards extreme danger, I was hoping to be able to find a good, proper, lethal poison."

Shizune gave a small laugh. "Yes. You do seem to attract danger. Well, if you only want one then I'll give you my favorite. Krait's Kiss."

I blinked. "Krait's Kiss?"

Shizune nodded. "Yes. It's actually one I created myself. The ingredients involved are hard to come by, but I'm sure you'd be able to make do."

"Hard to come by?"

"Yes. For starters, it requires the venom from a blue krait. The snake is extremely dangerous to handle, and a bite can kill even a shinobi in six hours or so. The antidote for such a strong toxin is equally hard to make. The herbs required for it only grow around Uzushiogakure."

My eyes were wide. "Wow."

Shizune smiled. "If you can obtain the ingredients, and successfully brew it, a single drop will kill any enemy (except perhaps Orochimaru) within three hours unless they are administered an antidote within the first hour."

"Holy shit."

"I wish you luck in obtaining the ingredients, though."

"Time to for a trip to the pet store, I guess."

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Konoha did _not_ stock such dangerous pets, apparently. I would have to get a hold of a proper breeder, obtain a license, and then _bid_ for an egg. Talk about unlucky!

I was bemoaning my lack of money when I stumbled upon my favorite Super Pervert in all of existence.

Jiraiya gave me a grin and a wave. "There you are!"

"Buddy!" I exclaimed with glee, throwing myself at him. "I missed you. How have you been?"

Jiraiya patted the top of my head. "I've been fine, my wingman. I've been meaning to talk to you, though. I've got something for you."

I tilted my head curiously, then my eyes lit up. "Oh my Goggle Gods, do you have it?"

Jiraiya pulled out a thick scroll with a dull blue ribbon tied around it. He gave me a thumbs up with his free hand and a shit-eating grin. "I always deliver on my promises."

Squealing, I took the scroll. "I have go try this right away! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"No problem. I can't believe it was actually there, though. I thought for sure Hanzo would guard his summons zealously, even if he has turned into a batshit insane paranoid monster."

I waved my hand dismissively. "His loss, my gain."

"True enough."

"Thanks again, my dear! I'll see you around."

"Of course."

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As soon as I got home I headed straight for my backyard (bringing Brightheart along and giving her lots of kisses). I unrolled the summoning scroll, unsurprised to find Hanzo's name black on it (meaning he was dead, like the previous summoners). Brightheart sniffed at the scroll while I cut my thumb and wrote out my name.

Brightheart then sneezed, decided the scroll was boring, and flopped over into a soft patch of grass to bask in sunlight.

I began to gather as much chakra into my hands as I could while I made the summoning sign.

' _Please let me summon Ibuse. Please let me summon Ibuse. Please let me summon Ibuse._ '

Then I slapped my hands on the grass and there was a puff of smoke.

Two tiny salamanders looked up at me. One of them was bright red, with a blue tipped nostril and tail, while the other was a dark blue with a red tipped nostril and tail. Both salamanders looked up at me curiously.

Despite them not being Ibuse the Badass, I still felt gleeful that I successfully summoned _someone_.

"Hi!" I chirped. "I'm your new summoner. Call me Sakura."

~Hello, Sakura-hime.~ A gentle, serene voice echoed inside of my head, and I wondered if I developed a third personality.

 **Whoa. Whoa. I don't share very well, what the fuck?**

"Are you inside of my head?" I asked, dumbfounded.

The blue salamander stepped towards me. ~Yes. My name is Gedo, Keeper of Cures. Salamanders have difficulty projecting our voices into the physical realm, and so many of us can only communicate directly through our summoner.~

"Oh. Physical realm?"

The red salamander eyed me with unhidden irritation. -Yes. Our tribe lives in the In Between. I am Doku, Keeper of Poisons.-

I frowned thoughtfully at that. I didn't know much about the Salamander contract. I knew about Ibuse in the anime, along with an odd overwhelming desire to form a contract with them. It was curious that they lived in the In Between—I would have to assume that the In Between was the realm between spiritual and physical. Spiritual energy obviously existed in the Narutoverse, since chakra was half spiritual. It would stand to reason that there could be a spiritual realm, since this was clearly the physical realm.

What exactly that spiritual realm entailed (death, or strictly fantastical stuff Narnia-esque) was up for debate, and the idea of asking made me feel oddly uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable like when I thought about how I knew the contract would be where it was, when canonically it was never revealed.

Or uncomfortable like when I thought about how exactly I was able to perform crazy heart surgery without any supposed training.

A shiver ran down my spine and I put those thoughts away.

"If you don't mind me asking," I began, "would you please be more specific in your abilities? And tell me about who else I can summon?"

~Of course,~ Gedo said, her voice like cool water on a hot day. ~Doku and I are creationists. Anything we have ingested, we can recreate into our venom. I specialize in creating antidotes, while Doku excels in poisons.~

Deus ex Machina, I will never doubt you again.

"Can you guys create this?" I asked, pulling out Shizune's recipe for the Krait's Kiss poison and antidote.

Both salamanders looked over the parchment and nodded.

-It takes about an hour to brew poison in our stomachs.- Doku said. -As long as you have a recipe, though, it can be done.-

I clapped my hands excitedly. "Lucky me! What would you guys want in return for the poisons and antidotes?"

~We are here to assist our summoner, however that may be the case.~ Gedo dismissed.

I shook my head. "I can't simply ask for you guys to do that without giving something in return. Do you like certain kinds of foods? Candies?"

The salamanders exchanged bewildered looks.

-We like fruits.- Doku stated, his eyes narrowed as he looked at me. -You're a bit touched, aren't you?-

~ _Doku_!~

"Probably," I admitted, "but I promise to treat you all well, and not to summon such cuties like yourselves into the heat of battle. So tell me about who else I can summon."

Gedo tilted her head. ~I imagine you will only be able to summon a few others. We only have ten available summons, but five of them require the blood of a male summoner to be brought into the physical. Their forms are too unstable to be of use otherwise. Hensou is another smaller summon, like us. He specializes in transformative bonding, though, so summoning him will require as much chakra as Ibuse.~

"Transformative bonding?"

~Yes. He will be able to… turn you into a salamander for a limited period of time, essentially. You will not be able to use chakra, however, as a salamander, and I'm told the ordeal is extremely uncomfortable.~

"That's still pretty handy. Who else?"

-Ibuse. He is our leader and is the only one you will be able to summon for combat purposes. He can vaporize the poisons we create, and increase their effectiveness ten-fold. In addition, he is well versed in earth style ninjutsu.-

"Neato!"  
~Lastly is Shin. He is able to draw upon a more spiritual form while in the physical realm and can pass through any object, or seal. He is extremely talented in fūinjutsu, and knows how to disrupt many seals.~

"Man. Ya'll are crazy useful. I'm surprised I didn't have to fight off prospective heirs."

-Hanzo-sama executed those who knew about us.- Doku stated flatly.

I clapped my hands. "That stinks. How about I make you guys some fruit pies? I have fresh apples, and blueberries."

~Oh, I would love a blueberry pie.~ Gedo gushed, eagerly crawling into my hand. Doku followed behind more slowly, and I could hear faint grumblings in the back of my head.

With a quick glance over at Brightheart, I decided to let the pupper sleep for a bit longer and simply leave the backdoor open for when she wanted to come in and be doted on.

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The next day, I hooked my arm through Naruto's as we exited the movie theatre, Sasuke following behind us quietly. We had watched the latest installment of Gale-hime. It was a good movie, but I wouldn't put it on par with the big-dogs (Batman triology, Avenger's universe, Disney, etc) from my previous life. The action was excellently choreographed, and the acting was amazing, but it lacked in subplots. For starters, there was _no_ romance.

How was I supposed to know who to ship with who if they didn't give us hints?

It seemed like the princess was asexual (which was fine), and everyone else on her squad was equally asexual (which, again, was fine). None of them were overtly attracted to one another, or shared moments that could be misconstrued as anything other than family-like. And while I had an extremely open mind for shipping, I couldn't justify a lot of incest.

Without romance, it took out a lot of the fun after the movie ended. There wasn't a lot to argue/write/draw/etc about, except standard action poses and cheesy movie lines.

"That was great," Naruto exclaimed, his eyes bright. "The princess was so amazing."

"Mm-hmm," I murmured, guiding us to the meeting point Kakashi told us to go to after we watched the movie. It wasn't far from the theatre—about three minute walk via the rooftops.

The boys, of course, were clueless as to why Kakashi insisted we saw the movie before we took our next mission.

I, on the other hand, instantly recognized what was coming up when Kakashi gave us the tickets last night.

I had then rushed over to Hinata's home, kidnapped her, and began to prepare for what was to come.

For starters, I made a mock hex-crystal that I would replace with Koyuki's (currently known as Yukie) crystal. That way, if she made the swap to the Big Bad Guy, he would get a fake. I would personally hold onto the real one for safe keeping, and bring it out for the grand finale.

Next, the reason I brought Hinata: (aside from simply wanting her company): make as many batches of lethal poison, as well as antidotes.

Hinata didn't even question why I needed her to make the antidotes while I worked on batches of the single most lethal poison I knew (recipe thanks to one Shizune). Doku was able to easily create the poison by himself, but I also wanted practice in brewing, so I had him create the ingredients (he could only spew them out in a liquid form, though) while I brewed.

I summoned Gedo, too, because she was cute.

I also learned that the two salamanders required lots of chakra (from me, of course), or _lots_ of food to create the concoctions. I didn't fully understand the science behind it—how they could, essentially, turn an orange into blue krait venom was beyond me—but I gave up questioning the physics of this universe a long time ago.

Hinata and I brewed and mixed everything last night, calling it quits around three in the morning. It was a delightful time, and Hinata confessed to suddenly finding a fondness of poison-making. It certainly made time fly by faster with her, and I wanted her to have practical experience brewing, and using my lab. I was determined to teach her every basic necessity of medical training I could, and knowing how to create poisons and antidotes were essential.

Returning to the current day, though, I sat down on the soft grass outside where Kakashi told us to meet him.

It was a beautiful day, that day. The sun was shining, the sky was a perfect blue with little wisps of clouds above us. It wasn't too hot, nor too cold. Naruto chattered happily about how lovely the princess was in the movie, and how he wished he could find a princess like that.

"Get real," Sasuke muttered, "there's no one like that in reality."

And with timing that only existed in the Narutoverse, Koyuki leapt over us in her entire get up as the princess from the movie, with her white horse. Naruto let out a shout of surprise upon seeing her, but soon enough a handful of goon-looking men in dark samurai costumes leapt over us as well with their dark horses.

"What the—?" Sasuke's eyes widened.

"Gale-hime!" Naruto squealed, wasting no time in leaping into action to save her from the goons.

I laughed. "Time to save a princess! Let's go, Duck-Butt."

It wasn't too hard to capture the "goons" chasing Koyuki. In the process, though, Koyuki escaped with Naruto chasing after her. Sasuke and I stayed to tie up the men.

"You have some gorgeous horses," I told one of the men, tying a rope tightly around his wrists.

"Ah," he mumbled, giving me a dazed look," thank you?"

"Oh, boy."

"Sensei!" I cheered happily. "Lookie, lookie."

"I see," Kakashi said, then flickered before appearing on the opposite end. All of the ropes that we used to tie around the goons were cut. Kakashi then helped up a stringy-looking man with a permanently apologetic expression on his face. "I'd rather you didn't tie up our clients, though, Sakura-chan, Sasuke-kun."

"Where's the fun in that, though?"

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I had accurately predicted that we were brought along for the mission during _Naruto: Ninja Clash in the Snow_. While Naruto was still hanging out with the actress who ran away from her own movie, Kakashi brought everyone back to the set to introduce us to the crewmen. After introductions were exchanged, I made a beeline for the director of the movie.

"I see you are the mastermind behind these movies," I said to the director.

The director, Takano if I remembered correctly, gave me a grin. "Yes."

"I am quite the fan," I continued, "but I noticed that in all of the movies, the princess never has a love interest."

"Mm-hmm."

"I was wondering if that might be because of your own lack of inspiration in regards to love?" I inquired sweetly, doing my best not to insult the man.

The director chuckled. "Something like that. Can't say I've seen any good romances that would match with the movie."

"Then, please, allow me to enlighten you during your journey. I shall inspire you with my love for Kakashi—"

Kakashi's head whipped around, and wasted no time in shushening to me, and tossing me over his shoulder. I took the opportunity to pinch booty again and he made a funny choking noise. "Please ignore my deranged student."

"You will surrender to my love, Kakashi-sensei. Like the hime defeated the villains in the sequel, I will conquer your love and claim it for my own!"

Kakashi slowly inched us away from the group during my declaration, moving more quickly as some of the crewmen began to snigger.

Takano smiled coyly. "I look forward to seeing you inspire me, Sakura-chan."

"I will not disappoint," I promised.

Kakashi sat me down, and I gave him a wink. "Prepare to become the star of our own romance, Sensei."

"I reject you entirely."

"I won't give up," I swore. Then, more loudly so the rest could hear. "Your affection is worth any obstacle; your love worth any battle; and your smile worth any journey."

There were chuckles and a few awws. Sasuke, with a sardonic smirk on his face, started clapping (Kakashi's look of betrayal was beautiful). This caused a few of the actors to join in, and then soon everyone was clapping with a few whoops tossed in.

Encouraged, I got down on my knee, taking a mortified Kakashi's hand. "Don't worry, my love. I will never surrender. We will be together one day, so please wait for me."

Sasuke whistled.

"This is going to be fantastic," the director laughed, clapping with everyone else.

"I'm in hell," Kakashi said in quiet disbelief.

Sandayu approaches us hesitantly. "Sorry for the bother, but we must find Yukie. The ship leaves in a few hours."

Kakashi, relieved at the distraction, yanked his hands away from me. "I'll bring her back. Sakura-chan, Sasuke-kun, help our clients board the ship."

Then he was gone, and I instantly missed him.

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"I'll change and tuck her in," I offered. We had finished loading the ship for departure when Kakashi returns with an unconscious princess in his arms, and a grumpy Naruto.

Sandayu, her manager, gave me a grateful smile. "That would be wonderful, thank you."

"It's not a problem," I assured him. Kakashi's eyes were narrowed thoughtfully. I noticed his look and snorted. "I never take advantage of people unconscious. We slept in the same apartment for _how_ long (Sandayu raised an eyebrow at that) and did I ever sneak into your room, watch you sleep, and gently pet your hair while whispering sweet nothings into your ear?"

"Why is that so specific?"

"No, I did not," I continued, nonplussed. "Besides, as the iryo-nin on this team it's my duty to look after our client."

"Mm-hmm," Kakashi murmured, dubious. "Here you go, then." Kakashi handed me the unconscious princess. I had to channel chakra into my arms in order to carry her bridal style into her bedroom. The door clicked shut behind me, and I placed her on the bed in her private room on the ship. I maneuvered her clothing off, washed off her makeup, and put her in a nice pair of comfortable clothes.

It was impossible not to notice how gorgeous she was, though. A lesser man might have pinched the booty of an unconscious woman, but I would never stoop that low. Unless I was good friends with them, and I didn't think they would mind, of course.

But, I was a stranger to her. I highly doubted she would be okay with booty pinches.

During the process of undressing and redressing her I found the hex crystal necklace. I felt inordinately pleased that my memory was on point and I had accurately replicated it (although my duplicate lacked its shine). I made the switch and safely stored the real necklace in my pocket.

I would be sure to keep it on me at all times.

Now it was time to work on my plan to win over Kakashi by the end of the mission!

First step: Find Naruto.

* * *

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* * *

Naruto gave me another wink while I stood precariously on the railing. The director and a few crewmen were watching me with unhidden amusement. We were all waiting for Kakashi to return to the deck after his brief conversation with the ship's captain.

It didn't take long for my beloved sensei to walk back onto the deck, his eyes immediately narrowing in suspicion.

"Sensei, look! I'm Queen of the World," I shouted, leaning over the railing and stretching my arms out wide.

"Uh-huh." Kakashi was unimpressed.

I then made a great showing of losing my balance before toppling over the railing with a scream.

* * *

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* * *

A solid minute ticked by with Kakashi refusing to go check on his student.

"Won't it look bad in front of our clients if you don't even check on her?" Naruto asked.

"Why don't you?"

Sasuke, deciding to stay out of the current plan, opened up his water and looked pointedly away from Kakashi.

"I'm a humble Genin. If _I_ have to be the one to save her," Naruto trailed off at that point, his eyes locking with Tezano. The director's grin widened and he signalled for his crewmen to begin whispering amongst each other while looking at Kakashi with dislike.

If Naruto didn't know they were acting, he would honestly believe they disliked his awesome sensei.

With much reluctance Kakashi went to edge of the railing to check on Kakashi. He then jumped over the ship's railing and down into the ocean. Naruto couldn't see much after that, and it took a minute before Kakashi leapt back up, a soaked and seemingly unconscious Sakura over his shoulder. Naruto watched, along with everyone else, as Kakashi flopped her onto the deck (and she remained "unconscious").

"Maybe you should give her CPR?" Naruto asked, thinking that was what a perfect wingman would suggest.

Sasuke choked on his water, and turned his head to cough.

The look of sheer " _No_." Kakashi gave Naruto made Naruto want to cackle, but he kept his straight face for the sake of Sakura's honorable pursuit.

Kakashi turned back to Sakura, peered at her face, then promptly dug his fist hard and fast into her diaphragm.

Naruto and Sasuke sympathetically winced as Sakura instinctively retched and gagged, gasping for air. She rolled over onto her side, clutching her abdomen and panting.

"Looks like she's fine to me," Kakashi said cheerily. "In fact, Sakura, you seem to be so fine that I think you should run alongside the boat for a while once you're done coughing."

" _Hurrrk_ ," Sakura wheezed. "Y-Yes, Sensei."

* * *

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* * *

"Doesn't look like he appreciates your advances," Takano chuckled as he leaned over the railing to look at me running beside the boat an hour after my brilliant plan.

"Don't be absurd," I dismissed. "If Kakashi didn't care he wouldn't have punished me."

"Come again?"

"Think about. If your beloved made you think they had drowned, wouldn't you be mad?"

Takano scratched his chin. "Yes, I suppose so."

I nodded firmly. "Trust me, Kakashi-sensei secretly adores my advances. He's a bit of a kuudere, you see."

"Kuudere?"

"Yes, that's the term used to describe a char, er, _someone_ who is cold on the outside towards their loved ones, but on the inside they're as passionate as everyone else. He'll never be the type to be openly affectionate (unless blackmailed into it), but I can see past his mask."

The director looked thoughtful. "I see, I see. The cold teacher, but with a soft spot underneath, eh?"

I sighed dreamily. "That's my Kakashi-sensei."

"Tell me more about these kuuderes. Are there other types?"

"Oh, most definitely! Let me paint you a pretty word picture, my companion."

* * *

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* * *

My legs were lead by the time Kakashi gave me the okay signal to cease running. I crawled my way onto the deck and flopped over, breathing heavily and laying on my back. The night sky was beautiful above me, with hundreds of stars twinkling.

I never really got to see so many stars in my previous life. I stayed at a facility, and only within the past year prior to my death was finally allowed outside of it once a week to go to a library, or a park. I was kept inside, typically within my room. It wasn't bad, per say. Mother provided me with ample entertainment in order to coax me into not wanting to leave the facility (which worked).

I was lonely, sure, but never so much that I actively sought out company. Mother kept me mostly isolated for my own good. My episodes were intense and sporadic, and no matter what medications, therapy, or general treatment I was put under nothing seemed to consistently work.

It was always best if I kept to myself.

In the Narutoverse, though, I didn't feel lonely. Sometimes it was nice to relax, take a deep breath, and realize that I had proper friends. I wasn't confined to a facility, nor treated like a pity-party.

What a lovely feeling.

There was a soft padding to my right and I turned my head to find Naruto approach me, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He yawned. "You done running?"

"Think so," I said, a little breathless. "Do me a favor, please?"  
"Sure."

"Help me sit up."

Naruto gave a small smile and flopped onto the deck next to me, He pulled me upright and I leaned heavily on his shoulder. He placed an arm around my back to support me, and keep me up.

Wincing, I slowly began to drawn upon the last bit of my chakra into my hands. After a full minute of concentrating I was finally able to call forth Shōsen. Naruto quietly watched me as I began to pour my gentle chakra over my tired legs and flush out the toxins. It was a skill I was intimately familiar with after long training nights with Hinata. By flushing out the lactic acid, and coaxing my muscles to stay relaxed, I wouldn't be in for a hellish day tomorrow. Undoubtedly, I would be a bit weak-kneed, but I wouldn't be in any pain.

Once that was done, Naruto helped me get to my hammock and pull out one of my medical scrolls. I took a small dose of chakra regenerative pills (not the same as chakra pills, as chakra pills gave you an instant burst of chakra at the cost of straining the nervous system. Chakra regenerative pills slowly gave back chakra, but made you lethargic for a few hours after taking it), and finally went to sleep.

* * *

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* * *

The next day, I woke up a little earlier than everyone else. I was pleasantly surprised that Kakashi let me sleep in (as normally he would be the one to wake me), and felt a rush of affection toward the man. After rolling out of the hammock, I felt a rush of goosebumps crawl around my skin at the cold. Immediately, I flushed my chakra and began to regulate my body temperature until I could finish getting dressed. Regulating body temperatures was one of the finer chakra control techniques most people didn't learn until they were Chuunin. It required A-rank control, and even then it wasn't something that should be maintained in the heat of battle (there was always a risk of accidentally inducing a high fever and causing brain damage).

Still, it was something that I thought every shinobi and kunoichi should know how to do in case of emergencies, and there wasn't a lot of opportunities for me to practice.

I slipped on my warm red leggings (because sweatpants weren't the best to move around a lot in in cold environments—if they got wet they got heavy and uncomfortable), and black shorts. I put on my black under armour, and a thick red sweater. Then I slipped on my standard cloak, long red gloves and black boots and I was good to go.

It was pretty cold out on deck, but not not enough to hinder my movements. I was surprised by how warm I felt, actually. The cloaks didn't feel heavy, but I wasn't cold underneath them.

"Director! Director this is terrible," I heard an anguished shout.

The director came out onto the deck, clad in his pajamas, sunglasses and a pajama director's hat and gave a gasp.

In front of the ship was a _giant_ iceberg.

One of the crewmen was staring worriedly at it. "What do we do, director?"

"This is it!" Takano exclaimed. "This movie is gonna change everything. Look at this perfect location! How can we _not_ shoot here? When things like this happen, we say _the Movie God has descended_. Everyone, prepare to disembark!"

The crew exchanged unenthusiastic looks but began to do as ordered.

I looked around and found Kakashi on the perch of one of the boat posts, watching everything with mild interest. I beamed upon seeing him and leapt up to him. "Good morning, sensei!"

Kakashi raised his left arm in preparation for my daily hug. I hugged him tightly, snuggling underneath his arm and letting out a contented sigh. The director looked up, noticed us, then gave a grin.

Kakashi promptly shoved me off him and I backflipped to land gracefully back onto the deck, a smile on my face.

"Affectionate when no one looks, huh?" Takano inquired teasingly.

"Yes," I said, not telling him that Kakashi and I actually had a mutual agreement for daily hugs in exchange for less butt-pinches and catcalls. Then, looking back at the iceberg, I remembered that the first fight of the mission was coming up, so I ran back to my room and pulled out my pack.

I grabbed the vials of Krait's Kiss and headed off to find my teammates.

Naruto wasn't hard to find, since he was still moving groggily. Sasuke took a little effort since he was adamant about avoiding social interactions he did not have to be a part of. Kakashi was remained on his perch (but it took some stubborn persuading for him to go anywhere with me).

Once I gathered my team and ushered us into a semi-private area I proudly held up my vial of poison. "The Goggle Gods tell me the first battle will commence on this iceberg. I made this poison extra special for it. I want you guys to coat your weapons in it."

Naruto stared tiredly at the large container. "What kind of poison is it?"

Sasuke paled. "You didn't perfect the hallucinogen to make people want to strip, did you?"

"She's doing _what_?" Kakashi asked, aghast. "Sakura-chan, I forbid you from ever using that poison on your comrades."

 **Ha. Like that'll stop us.**

"Psh. I haven't perfected it _yet_ ," I dismissed. "No, this is a lethal poison. I have the antidotes, so don't worry if ya'll accidentally cut yourselves."

Sasuke and Kakashi looked immensely relieved. Naruto gave me a grin. "That's neat. So how much we gotta use?"

"It only takes a drop for it to be effective," I explained proudly. "They'll be dead within a few hours if they don't get an antidote."

"Wow," Sasuke said, looking _actually_ impressed. "You managed to brew a poison that potent?"

I puffed up proudly. "I was successful on my fifteenth attempt."

"Fifteen, huh. _Very impressive_ ," he said sardonically.

"Shut yer pie hole, Duck-Butt. Now c'mon, I really wanna see this in action!"

My teammates exchanged glances before simultaneously deciding _why not_ and offered up their weapons. The poison would only last for about three hours before evaporating entirely off the weapons, but I figured that would be more than enough time to deal with the henchmen.

* * *

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* * *

I stood near Kakashi as the crew continued to work. We were close enough that when I turned to look over at Naruto, or Sasuke, our arms brushed. When I first stood so near him, he took a long, scrutinizing look at me. I knew he could assess me without me noticing him do so, so the fact that he made it a point to let me know that he was watching me greatly amused me. To think that a "twelve" year old girl could make an ex-ANBU so cautious!

Kakashi also decided to discard his cloak, choosing instead to wear a raggedy pale yellow scarf.

I think he was hinting towards me to make him a bomb-ass scarf like I did for Kisame.

I would not disappoint!

We watched as Koyuki and her coworkers took on the role of Gale-hime. Her acting was phenomenal, per usual. It was ironic that the princess of the Land of Snow was acting out as the princess of the Land of Light. Gale-hime, also, was a princess forced into exile after an evil villain killed her family and took over her country.

I wasn't sure about Gale-hime's ending, but I knew for a fact that Koyuki would get to retake her country with the help of our rag-tag team.

Pretty exciting stuff.

Kakashi stiffened beside me, and he shot out an explosive tag towards one of the towering peaks of ice. An explosion echoed across the glacial, drawing everyone's attention towards Kakashi.

One of the actors called out, "What's going on?"  
"Everyone back to the ship," Kakashi ordered.

Our clients stared in stunned fascination at Kakashi before they collectively looked back up at where the explosion hit. A young man with long silvery hair stood up, crossing his arms and smirking. Nadare, if I remembered correctly. "Welcome to the Land of Snow."

Kakashi's eyes narrowed, " _You.._?!"

"I," and all eyes turned towards a voluptuous woman with pink (though more purple tinted than mine) hair and a smug attitude, "welcome you, Koyuki-hime. You did bring the Hex Crystal, didn't you?"

That would be, ah, Fubuki? Yeah, Fubuki.

Kakashi's head snapped around towards the lead actress. "Koyuki-hime?"

There was a laugh. Again, eyes turned towards the opposite direction of Fubuki and a large man with beady eyes hopped out of the snow—Mizore. "I gotta hand it to you, Kakashi, but you won't get any further."

"Return to the ship, now," Kakashi barked out.

"Naruto, make thirty clones of Yukie and have them personally carry her back to the ship," I ordered him. "Make enough clones to get everyone onto the ship asap. Sasuke, you get the girlie, I got the fatso."

Naruto blinked in surprise. "Wha—oh. Yeah, that's a good idea."

"Consider it done," Sasuke grunted, leaping up towards the lady and breathing out a small ball of fire towards her.

I happily jumped and dashed towards Mizore. I heard many puffs of smoke and from my peripheral vision I could see about a hundred Naruto clones grabbing people, stuff, and of course Koyuki (who was pounding him on the head in protest, screaming how she didn't want to go back to the Land of Snow). There were of course thirty Koyuki's doing this all at once, so it was quite a scene.

Mizore, the large man, made a dash towards the boat, but I leapt in front of him. He raised his right fist, and I channeled chakra into my own fists, calves, and feet, and caught his first fist. He swung his other fist, and I caught it with my free hand.

' _Holy shit!_ '

My arms and legs quivered from the sheer weight of his chakra-fused blows. Mizore leered at me, knowing that he would eventually overcome me.

Thinking fast, I pushed almost half of my chakra reserves into the bottom of my feet. The chakra lashed out against the snow and launched me into the air. I still clung onto his fists, forcing him to face upwards and follow the direction as I arched over him.

With speed that came from months of training, I released hold of his right first and grabbed a poison-laced kunai. I threw it as his face.

Mizore tilted his head, and the kunai cut his cheek, drawing blood.

Sheer pride and victoriousness bloomed inside of me. Even when he threw me hard into the snow many meters away (and I rolled several times before stopping), I couldn't keep from grinning.

I popped back up, then felt a rush of dizziness at the blood rush and stumbled.

"I did it," I exclaimed happily.

Mizore laughed boisterously. "Congratulations, you managed to _cut_ me."

"You're my first kill, ever," I told him. "This is a special moment. Kakashi-sensei is going to be so proud of me. You know he was ex ANBU!"

"Right," Mizore snorted, then took a step towards me and stumbled. He blinked and shook his head. "What the—?"

The effects were immediate? That was an important fact! Shizune didn't give me the details on symptom, and how quickly they worked. Only that it targeted the nervous system, and part of the chakra network. Eventually it would induce brain death, but the process of getting there was relatively unknown to me. When I asked Shizune, she only gave me a smile that reminded me of Anko and patted me on the head with a, "Oh, it's something you'll have to see for yourself."

"Wh-Wha-at did y-you do t-to me?" Mizore wheezed, seemingly having difficulty breathing. His right arm started twitching.

I pulled out my field notebook and pen, writing down what was happening. "Would you say that you you're having trouble breathing, and that's what makes it hard to talk, or is your tongue starting to swell..?"

"Fuck you!"

There was a giant explosion, and the entire glacial rocked. Cracks started to form on the ice, and I looked around. The boat had managed to take off (which was rather quick, but considering a small hoard of Narutos was rushing it to do so…), and Sasuke was running towards me. I tilted my head at the action, but he grabbed my hand and shouted, "Kakashi's shattering the glacial—do you have _no_ spacial awareness?"

"I have some," I protested, allowing my friend to drag me onto the water. "Did you get the girl?"

Sasuke pursed his lips. "She didn't get close enough."

"That's a shame. I got my first kill ever!"

"Congrats?" Although it came out more like a question. "Wait, you didn't kill anyone during the invasion?"  
"Nah-uh. Kakashi escorted me to the med tent after the arena, and him and Gai personally guarded me while I healed people before then."

Sasuke let go of my hand as we leapt onto the boat. "Oh. Do you, uh—"

"I can't wait to tell Kakashi-sensei," I said excitedly. "I'm an official kunoichi now, right? First kill is like popping the cherry."

"I, I guess?"

Naruto ran towards us, grinning brightly. "That princess sure hits hard. How'd you guys do?"

"I got my first kill."

"Congratulations!" Naruto exclaimed. "I felt like such a badass after mine. I protected Iruka-sensei, you know. It made me a bit sad, too, though. Are you sad, Sakura-chan?"

' _So Mizuki was Naruto's first kill? I could have sworn that Naruto didn't kill him canonically, though.'_

 **But again, that didn't make a lot of sense. Naruto was fueled by rage, thinking Mizuki had killed the first teacher to ever acknowledge Naruto. In addition Mizuku had lied, and manipulated Naruto into breaking the law. Naruto** _ **literally**_ **beat him with nearly a** _ **hundred**_ **clones. Would Naruto even know when it was okay to stop? When enough was too much?**

' _I don't think he would—I don't recall him getting into any life-threatening situations prior to then. If Mizuki was his first kill, how would he know which blow would be the final punch? The final kick?'_

I cocked my head. "Why would I be sad? Sasuke, were you sad?"

"No," Sasuke admitted. "This is what we trained for at the academy."  
"Exactly!"

' _Besides, I have confirmation that death really is the next great adventure.'_

Naruto nodded.

Kakashi hopped onto the boat behind us. "Hello my cute minions."

"I got my first kill," I told him, awaiting praise with a smile.

Kakashi patted my head. "Good job, Sakura-chan. Let me know if you need to, ah, talk about it. A few can have trouble adjusting."

"Keep on praising me and I'll be a-okay."

He eye-smiled. "Good to know. Now let's head into the dining hall, we need to have a few words with our client."

"You mean how Yukie is really Koyuki-hime? Next in line for the throne in the Land of Snow?"

"Spot on, Sakura-chan."

Naruto gaped. "No way, she's only a hime in the Gale-hime movies!"

"Yukie is an alias, then," Sasuke said.

"Correct," Kakashi and I said in unison. I gave him a wink and he snorted.

Our team stepped into the hall. The director, his assistant, and Sandayu (the man who originally hired us) were already sitting down at the table. Sandayu looked extremely apologetic.

I sat down on the table, crossing my legs and scooting so I was directly at the center. Naruto and Sasuke took seats like perfectly normal people, and Kakashi stood at the far end, his hands in his pocket.

Kakashi began, "Sandayu, you knew what brining her back here meant."

Sandayu didn't look up, but nodded his head. "I first came to serve her when she was a small child. I don't blame her for not remembering. I served her and the former daimyo, Sosetsu Kazahana. The Land of Snow was small, but peaceful. Sosetsu-sama doted on the princess and lived his days in peace. But, ten years ago, his younger brother—Dotō—hired shinobi and revolted. The magnificent Kazahana Castle burned to the ground and I thought the princess had perished, too."

"Until a certain devilishly handsome ANBU Captain rescued the princess and whisked her away to safety," I said, giving Kakashi a knowing smile.

I didn't even _see_ the kunai coming, but the blunt end hit my forehead with enough force I rolled off the table and into Naruto and Sasuke's laps.

Sandayu looked up in surprise to find me clutching my forehead and whining pitifully. Sasuke shoved me off his lap, while Naruto held onto my legs in an effort to keep me from hitting the floor. The result was my head hitting the floor with my lower body still in Naruto's lap, and I whined.

"Continue," Sasuke instructed the man.

"I—okay. I happened to see her acting on stage," Sandayu said, his eyes watering and voice wavering. "I was so overjoyed." He openly began to sob by that point. "She was alive. _She was alive_!"

"I should have died then," Koyuki said coldly from the doorway.

We looked over at her. Naruto glared at her (likely because her words were the antithesis of his own views). Sandayu shook his head. "You mustn't say such things. Our greatest hope was that you were still alive!"

"I am alive, but my heart is dead. After that day my tears dried up."

I wiggled and Naruto released his hold. I rolled out from under the table and hopped up, heading towards Koyuki.

Sandayu wiped his tears away. "After I found her, I became her manager and bided for the time to escort her back to the Land of Snow."

The assistant gaped at Sandayu. "Then all this time you were using us?"

"I apologize for fooling you, but this is for the sake of the people of the Land of Snow." Sandayu stood up and went over towards Koyuki. He got down on all fours and bowed his head. "Koyuki-hime, please overthrow Dotō and take your place as the new rightful leader of this country! I will give my life to protect you! Please, take up arms and rise with us."

"No thanks."

He looked back up in surprise.

I put my hands up. "I got this guys. C'mon princess, gonna kidnap you for a bit."

She sneered at me, and then let out a shriek when I liberally picked her up, threw her over my shoulder, and shushened us onto the deck and onto the tallest post I could find. I plopped her down and she snarled at me, "Put me back down there this instance!"

"Nope," I said. "You need some Therapy-no-Jutsu."

" _What_?!"

In the original movie she was a traumatized woman. Sandayu originally died for her, and she had to watch even more people risk their lives for her before she was so overcome with guilt that she wanted it all to end. The woman wasn't truly apathetic, and she _did_ have happy memories of her father and the country.

She was, however, terrified of Dotō, and losing more people she cared about.

I sat next to her and placed my cloak around her. She glared hatefully at me, but took it regardless.

"We're going to kill Dotō one way or another," I told her flippantly. "He and the last remaining two shinobi are the only real threats. The rest are civilians, or thugs, and that's easy-peezy."

"I don't care," she snapped.

"You do, though," I disagreed. "You love your father."

"No, I do—"

"You remember those pillars he made?" I asked her, and her eyes widened.

Koyuki's bottom lip quivered. "How do you know about those?"

"The Hex Crystal," I told her, "will activate them. It'll show you a miracle that will bring you to tears."

"That impossible—"

I smiled at her and patted her cheek. "Beautiful, let's make a deal. One way or another Dotō will be killed, and his henchmen destroyed. Our team has a history of liberating countries from tyrants, and Naruto's gonna wanna be the hero again and save everyone."

She snorted at that. "That squirt?"

"That _squirt_ is going to be our future Hokage," I told her. "He's got a heart of gold, and he's strong. Stronger than anyone else I know, and that's including my dear Kakashi-sensei."

Koyuki turned her head away.

"Back to what I was saying, though. Dotō's going down, one way or another. That's not to say you have to take up as leader, though. No one can force you into doing that."

"Good because—"

"But you're going to anyway," I continued, "because I'm going to show you that miracle, and you'll cry. You'll know when you see it, that your father loved this country and you'll realize that _you_ love this country. All those tears that you say dried up, well, they'll all come pouring out then."

"That will never happen," Koyuki said stubbornly.

"Then let's make a deal," I said. "I'll take you to those miracle pillars. If you cry, you become the next daimyo, no arguments given. If you don't cry, I will personally see to it that you get to remain as an actress and no one will bother you again to become the daimyo."

"Can you even promise that?'

"Sure. Because I know I'll win."

She laughed haughtily at that.

I bit my thumb and summoned Doku and Gedo. Her laughter died off as she looked at the two salamanders curiously.

~It's quite cold, hime.~ Gedo told me, crawling underneath my shirt.

-Why would you summon us here?- Doku complained, following behind his sister.

"Because," I began, "Doku can create poisons. Alcohol _is_ a type of poison."

"You're going to make alcohol for me?" Koyuki asked curiously. "How do I know it's not really poison?"

"Do you even care? I thought you believed it best if you were already dead," I pointed out rather cheerfully.

"Point. So he can make anything?"

"Just about. Takes an hour to brew, but we got at least five hours until we reach port. I can't drink because, you know, mission and all, but I figured if it'll help you keep from having a panic attack _and_ get you to agree to my deal—"

"You drive a hard bargain."

I summoned a clone to go get a shot glass. Then I smirked at the princess and blew her a kiss. "Plus I'm hoping to get on your good side, so when I pop another question you'll be more open to saying yes."

' _And if I get her tipsy enough—obviously won't let her get drunk because hello that's spelling trouble—she might be more open minded to talking about her traumatic past. Talking through some tough shit can help process, and she_ clearly _needs help._ '

* * *

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* * *

We arrived at the port, and I dismissed the summons. Koyuki's cheeks were red (from the alcohol _and_ cold), but she wasn't terribly uncooperative. I did get her to talk about a few things from her childhood, but not a lot about Dotō, or the heavy shit.

She even thanked me for the booze and accepted the proposed deal.

I brought her down and put her back in her bedroom before heading off to find my team. I found Naruto first since he was waiting for me. He offered his arm and I linked my own through it and we went off to find our antisocial teammates.

Then, as a team, we schemed.

"Obviously we have another Gato on our hands so I say we kill him," I said cheerfully.

"Seconded," Sasuke said immediately.

"Thirded," Naruto added.

Kakashi sighed. "It's _not_ that simple—"

"It is," I told him. "The Goggle Gods tell me that he will make a personal appearance riding a metal snake."

They didn't even look at me oddly anymore.

Naruto flippantly said, "Then we take him out there. Sakura-chan already got one of the three henchmen, and these people _clearly_ aren't on par with with Zabuza and Haku."

"Well, no," Kakashi admitted. "The only reason the ANBU that saved the princess wasn't able to take them all out then was because he had a crying little girl to deal with and was under orders to protect her above all else."

"What was an ANBU doing there in the first place?" Sasuke asked.

"Who can say," Kakashi said, giving me a warning look.

"Who can say," I also said, deciding to behave and not spill the beans. "But Koyuki-hime remembers, so if you really want to know ask her."

Both boys were decidedly against the idea of asking the whiny princess.

Kakashi cleared his throat. "Okay. So you're sure Dotō will be coming personally?"

"Yes. He will bring a bunch of civilian thugs on the snake," I told him. "He'll have some strong armor, too."

Kakashi scratched his chin. "Hm. I suppose I could take him out if you three can handle the last two."

"The girl is adept at long range," Sasuke said, "but I've reflected on the fight and I know how to get close to her."

"Nadare," Kakashi began, "is extremely skilled in ninjutsu. A-Rank, at the very least."

"I have some gaseous sedatives. It won't be enough to knock him out, but it will inhibit his movements," I said. "If Naruto can handle Nadare, which I know he'll do fine, I can protect the crewmen and handle the civilians. Ah, actually, Naruto should probably make at least thirty clones to help me."

"I can do that," Naruto declared.

"I'll take care of the woman quickly then, and help Naruto," Sasuke decided, nodding his head.

"I'll finish Dotō off."

"Oh Dotō will be able to fly, but his armor won't absorb impact if, say, he's brought down from a great distance."

Kakashi cocked his head. "Mmkay. Anything else?'

"Hmm. The metal snake is very dangerous to civilians. Oh, and Dotō is ugly as hell."

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

I sat in Koyuki's cabin in the caravan/car/thing. The alcohol was starting to wear off on her, and she looked despondently out the window. "As cold as ever."

"For now," I agreed.

"Why are you here?"

"You'll run off otherwise," I told her. "If you run off, we waste time searching for you and we won't get to kill Dotō as soon as possible."

"You honestly think you can?"

"Kakashi-sensei is S, almost SS. Dotō barely scrapes by as a C."

"What?"

"Kakashi-sensei is a boot, and Dotō is an ant."

Koyuki snorted, drawing her legs up to her chest. "You haven't seen anything, you can't possibly understand."

"Actually I can probably relate pretty well to you," I said, scooting closer to her and pressing my back against the window. "Our village went through an invasion a couple months ago. A lot of homes destroyed, and people died. My home was demolished. My, my, my kaa-chan and tou-chan also died."

She turned her head, a slight frown on her face. She didn't look at me in pity, though, like some strangers would have. There was a kind of understanding on her face, and reluctant sympathy.

A smile stretched on my face. "I'm okay now, though. I have Kakashi-sensei, Naruto, Sasuke, Hina-chan… a whole bunch of friends and people that care about me. I love them so much, and I love my village, too."

"Hn."

"Sandayu loves you, too," I said to her, placing a hand on her shoulder (she shrugged it off, but I kept putting it back until she gave up). "This country loves you. Your father adored you. He made the miracle as much for you as he did for the country. He wanted to show you something precious, something he thought you wouldn't get to see otherwise."

Koyuki buried her head in her arms, hugging her legs. " _Stop saying that_."

"He loved you," I said again. "It's okay to miss him."

" _Shut up_."

"It's okay to feel sad."

"Stop talking," she snarled, curling into herself.

"But it's okay to feel happy, too."

She raised her hand and glared seethingly at me, her eyes shining. "You don't get to say that. You don't get to tell me how he felt. How I felt—feel—whatever. _You_ understand _nothing_."

"Kaa-chan would want me to be happy. Your father would want you to be happy, too."

She shoved me off the bed and turned her back towards me.

I pulled my legs to sit criss-cross, and I gave her some time. Mother always said it took time for the brain to process things. Emotions were especially hard. Even two months after the invasion, I still had moments were my brain blanked out and for a split second I couldn't feel anything.

Grief, I was beginning to learn, was hard. It was an intangible thing that had no specific feeling, or action tied to it, but rather a rainbow of different reactions. People felt and acted differently. People healed at unique rates, and sometimes they didn't heal at all.

Grief caused pain that couldn't be seen. It wasn't a wound to be stitched up and medicated. It was a scar that people had to live with, and people dealt with it differently.

Naruto, for example, would take a day to mourn. Then he would find a new strength in it; a new resolve. He didn't want any death to derail his plans, but he didn't want anyone's death to lose impact. It had to have meaning to him—a purpose. Death without purpose was unthinkable to the hero.

Sasuke bottled and repressed. Sometimes he let it out in bursts of anger. Sometimes it lashed out in the viciousness of combat. He would tell himself it would harden his resolve, but really, he simply didn't know what to do with it.

Kakashi was a hot mess with grief. He took self-loathing to a whole new level when grief became involved. He would try to add it to his resolve, like Naruto. Try to give it a new purpose and meaning, but really he would hang it on his wall of shame and have it drag him down whenever he felt like he was getting too happy.

Me?

I didn't know yet how I dealt with grief. I _wanted_ to move on with my life, but part of me felt guilty for doing so. As if I was obligated to be in pain for a long, long time. It was conflicting, but I hoped in time I would know what to do.

Koyuki, though, repressed and denied. It was high time for her to move on, though, because I knew that she _could_. Naruto made her confront her feelings after more horrible things happened. I was hoping to actively prevent those horrible things, so _I_ would have to make her confront her feelings instead.

There was a tap on the door. I got up and opened it to find Kakashi standing there.

I leapt at him, throwing myself into his arms.

Kakashi caught me and then immediately set me back down. "Sakura-chan, is the metal snake a train?"

"Yeah! How'd you guess?"

"We're stopped at a cave and there are tracks under the snow," Kakashi answered.

"Dotō will come to us here," I said.

"You're certain?"

"If I'm wrong I forfeit a week's worth of hugs. If I'm right I get another kiss on the cheek."

"I'm definitely not making that deal," Kakashi said firmly.

I pouted.

Kakashi patted my head. "Alright, I'll tell everyone to prepare."

I turned back towards the princess. "Come on, gorgeous. Let's go."

"I want more booze," she muttered stubbornly.

"I'll give you more booze if you come with me," I promised her.

* * *

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* * *

The crewmen set up a few hidden cameras, and we sacrificed a couple vehicles as decoys. Sandayu insisted on bringing in the resistance to help us, but Kakashi categorically denied that, citing they would get in the way.

Koyuki sat by Sandayu, clutching the single bottle of sake I had Doku make for her and staring out at the vast snow. For brief moments I could have sworn I saw fondness in her eyes when she looked out at her homeland, but they were gone too quickly to be certain.

Three Naruto clones sat around them to make sure she wouldn't try to run off.

Sasuke and Naruto both had three balls of gaseous sedatives Hinata made the night before the mission when she had stayed over. I had the last three. We had also used up the last bit of my Krait's Kiss on every bit of weapons we had.

Kakashi summoned the Pack and had them scattered around the film crew to keep watch and help protect in case any enemy made it passed us.

We waited in tense silence for half an hour before a train came roaring through. It came to a roaring stop after crashing onto our decoy vehicles; and out stepped in his ugly glory, Dotō. "Koyuki-hime, I know you're out there. Come, let me see your face. After all… it's been ten years."

The train was at the bottom of a snowy hill, and behind it was a sheer cliff drop. We were at the top of the hill, and a little behind it. Kakashi leapt up to the top. "Yo!"

Then he slapped his hands onto the ground, no handsigns needed, and a giant slab of earth underneath the snow hit the train and effectively knocked it over the cliff. Nadare managed to grab Dotō before the train went over board, but surprisingly I didn't see Fubuki.

I tried to sense for any other chakra signals nearby, but I still couldn't find her.

"Insolent bastard," Dotō snarled. "Deal with him!"

Nadare smirked. "Of course."

Sasuke, Naruto, and I shushened out of our hiding spots and began a mad dash towards Nadare. "I bet I kill him before you guys!"

"Fat chance," Naruto declared. "I'll beat his ass first."

"Get behind me, losers."

Nadare scoffed. "As if you brats."

Naruto summoned up roughly a hundred clones. Sasuke shamelessly leapt over the head one of one of them, breathing out a wall of fire that would force Nadare to jump away from Dotō.

I heard the familiar crackling of Chidori as Kakashi moved quickly behind us, closing the distance between him and Dotō in under a second.

I threw two of my poison balls toward Nadare, and he deflected both of them. They exploded in a purple haze, but he wasn't close enough to have breathed any of it in. Then Naruto and Sasuke were constantly on him, working surprisingly well together. Sasuke kept using Naruto's clones as launch pads, and Naruto kept trying to predict where Nadare would go in order to dodge Sasuke.

Nadare summoned a wall of snow in between us and him, but then Kakashi was suddenly flipping over it with his Chidori in full bloom.

We heard an anguished cry from Nadare, and (curious why Kakashi was already helping us) I turned my head over to find Dotō, headless, on the snow.

"Oh," I said.

The snow wall collapsed, and Kakashi ripped his hand out of Nadare's chest. "Good work, minions."

"Kill stealer," Naruto muttered petulantly. "I totally had him."

"You did not," Sasuke immediately disagreed. " _I_ had him."

"As if, broody!"

I scratched my cheek. "Where's the lady?"

"We'll have to hunt her down, although I doubt she'll stick around," Kakashi said. "No one here is going to sign her paycheck for avenging her former client."

"Too true," I agreed. Then remembering that we had a camera on us I rushed towards Kakashi. "Sensei, are you okay, though?"

Kakashi blinked at me. "Yes?"

I clutched at my chest. "Oh, thank goodness. I was so worried that the love of my life would be harmed going against such a fearsome tyrant."

Naruto chortled and Sasuke turned his head away to cough.

Kakashi's eyes narrowed. "I'm fine, Sakura-chan."

"I-I can't believe it," I said, reaching over and touching his chest. "Truly, no wounds, my love?"

Kakashi grabbed my hands like they were offensive things and pushed them away from him. " _I'm fine_."

I sniffled. "Thank the Goggle Gods. I don't—I don't know what I would do without you."

"You won't have to worry about that," Kakashi said uneasily.

I dropped to my knees and let out a mock relieved sob.

Kakashi stared at me for a long moment then let out a tired sigh. "One hug if you stop." Immediately I leapt into his arms, squeezing him. He patted my back. "There, there."

Sighing with content, I pulled away and beamed. "I love ya."

"I know," he said, placating me.

"Aww," Naruto cooed.

Sasuked clapped. "What a happy ending."

"Youthful course level six when we get back, I think."

The boys blanched.

Then the three of us marched back up towards the crewmen. I gave the director a thumbs up and he grinned and gave me _two_ thumbs up.

* * *

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* * *

With the largest threat immediately eliminated Sandayu was so overcome with joy he sobbed. Koyuki was indifferent at first glance, but I caught her lips twitching in an urge to smile a few times.

Sandayu insisted that he informed the loyalists of what happened, but I asked him if he could first take us to the stone pillars that Koyuki's father had been working on prior to his death. So grateful for our help, Sandayu said he would be happy to. The director then asked me if it would be worth the trip for everyone to go and I told him that we'll see a miracle there and that Koyuki will cry.

 _That_ got the director's attention right away and off our merry band went.

It took a solid six hours of traveling through the heavy snowfall to reach the valley. The five pillars encircled us, and I took Koyuki's hand and dragged her towards the center. I gave her back her real Hex Crystal, not bothering to explain I swapped them out in case she gave it to the big bad guy.

Everyone else stood far back, outside of the pillars.

I patted the smooth marble, pointing at the small insert for her to place the Hex Crystal.

Koyuki, still clutching her bottle of sake, shoved her crystal inside of the hole.

There was a sudden _whoosh_ as the pillars powered up. I began to make my way back towards Kakashi, while Koyuki watched the crystals light up in a rainbow effect.

It took five minutes, but then they let out a large burst of light.

Then, defying every law of physics I knew, following the light every inch of snow was replaced with green grass and flowers. The temperature rose considerably instantaneously, and butterflies burst forth from who the hell knew where.

Goodbye fragile echo system of a tundra, hello spring time.

Everyone gasped, looking around at the valley in disbelief.

Then a projection began to play. The crystals dimmed to a solid white light and Koyuki's father appeared in the center.

Deciding that the moment was a bit too tender, and a bit too private, I focused on Kakashi.

"We should probably remain in the lands for a while," I said quietly, marveling at the beautiful scenery. "Make sure that woman doesn't try to get revenge, ya know."

Kakashi glanced over at me, cocking his head. "Is that what the Goggle Gods tell you?"

"The Goggle Gods have no more information to give to me for this mission," I answered. "It's gut instinct now."

"Mn. I would agree with your assessment. Two will stay with the princess, and the other two will track down the kunoichi. If we have definite proof that she is gone, and will not seek out vengeance, we'll leave. Otherwise we'll stay for the duration of our contract: until the movie is done filming."

A frown marred my face. "What if we don't find her before the contract is up?"

"We give them ample warning, and advise they hire hunting-nin, or bodyguards."

"I'd rather not leave such a loose end. I hope we find her."

Kakashi didn't respond to that, but took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. I peeked up at him, admiring his features and adoring the fact that my teacher actually looked relaxed.

When the tender moment ended, the projection faded away, and Koyuki shamelessly cried.

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

It was decided that Sasuke and I would stay with the princess while Kakashi took Naruto out for tracking. Naruto had a natural aptitude for hunting down things, even if he couldn't explain accurately how. Plus, Koyuki was fond of me by that point. She even _smiled_ at me after tossing away her half-way empty sake bottle!

On the way to the capital of the land, the filming crew stopped a few more times to act out certain scenes, or capture a particularly beautiful landscape. Sasuke and I stood at a relative distance from the group, circling them and watching for any signs of hostility.

Kakashi and Naruto met back up with us when we reached the capital.

While the princess was greeted with hundreds of cheers, a parade, and an exorbitant amount of sheer _joy,_ my little team remained in the background, ever watchful.

Kakashi and Naruto _did_ find the woman. She was hiding away in one of Dotō's numerous hideouts, viciously planning an elaborate act of revenge. She was obviously deeply disturbed by the loss of her client and teammates, and attacked Naruto and Kakashi without reservation.

Kakashi likened it to putting down a rabid animal.

There were still some loyal to Dotō, though, that we had to hunt down. All civilian-level, though, so they weren't _too_ high priority. We would hunt them down in our spare time, and capture them instead of killing them. They weren't enough of a threat to warrant taking their lives, and the people did deserve the right to judge their fellow countrymen.

Koyuki ascended as the daimyo within three days of arriving at the capital. The people celebrated their newfound leader, in addition to the climate change.

A week after becoming the daimyo, the filming ended (which seemed ridiculously fast to me, but whatever) and we were officially released to go home.

Before we left we made sure to say our goodbyes, though.

Koyuki handed each of us a signed autograph. She, and her entourage, had met us at the docks. Sandayu stood slight behind her, beaming like a proud dad.

She patted Naruto's cheek before handing him a signed autograph. Naruto beamed at her, clutching the treasured thing and letting out a whoop.

She did the same for Sasuke, but he merely gave her a small nod.

Koyuki gave a wink at Kakashi, wicked smile on her face. Kakashi returned it with a curt nod, and then she reached me.

She cupped my face and kissed my cheek. "Thank you for the miracle, Sakura."

Blushing, I bowed to her. "Of course. I'm glad to see you so happy."

Her eyes crinkled when she smiled. "Mm-hmm." Koyuki then pulled out a small script. "This is my next film, I hope you'll support it."

On it read _Icha Icha_.

"Oh, I definitely will," I promised her. "Would you care to join my exclusive harem?"

Koyuki laughed. "Why not?"

I yipped with delight as the lovely lady stepped away.

Kakashi stared after Koyuki, disbelief on his face. "She's—she's in _Icha Icha._ "

"Wow, so Sakura was right, the princess is gonna star in a porno!" Naruto exclaimed.

Kakashi's head snapped around to me, and then he quickly said, "Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura and I will be right back."

I squealed. "Alone time at last!"

"Safety first," Naruto chimed.

Sasuke's look of disgust was delightful.

Then Kakashi threw me over his shoulder and hopped up onto the nearest tall building. He dropped me down onto the rooftop, then squatted down in front of me. I beamed at him, a wide smile on my face. "Kakashi-sensei! How can I help you?"

"You gave an extremely accurate prediction of this mission," Kakashi said softly.

"The Goggle Gods blessed—"

"Sakura, have you heard of newbloods?"

I broke off, and wracked my brain for the term. "The… first person in a family to activate a kekkei genkai?"  
Kakashi gave a slow nod. "Sakura, do you think you're a newblood?"

"What—you mean in regards to the Goggle Gods?" I asked, my brow furrowed.

 **Hello easy explanation.**

' _But that's not right. I know things because—because—um._ '

 **How did you know how to perform heart surgery?**

' _Because I studied. And Kakashi and Zabuza, of course. Well, and I guess my hands kinda moved on their own._ '

 _ **Moved on their own**_ **. You can try to explain away that Kakashi and Zabuza guided you, but you** _ **successfully performed open heart surgery**_ **. With supposedly no prior experience.**

' _Um—?_ '

 **You knew where the Salamander Contract was, despite never being told it.**

' _Uh—?_ '

 **You have a** _ **perfect**_ **memory of all the events coming up, despite not having an eidetic memory in your last life.**

' _I—?_ '

 **Something isn't right. Maybe we** _ **have**_ **developed a kekkei genkai.**

That explanation didn't sit well with me. In fact, it did the opposite: it made me incredibly sick to my stomach. There were warning signs going off in my head. Whatever explanation there was for my knowledge, kekkei genkai was _not_ it.

And for some reason, the idea of telling people it was, _terrified_ me.

My emotions must have reflected on my face because Kakashi placed a reassuring hand on my head. "You don't have to register if you choose not to. Being a newblood will provide you with certain rights, but it's not illegal to keep it hidden."

"I don't—I mean—can we not talk about this, please?"

Kakashi nodded. "Okay."

"P-Promise you won't say anything until I do?" I pleaded.

There must have been a look in my eye because Kakashi relented without an issue.

The journey home was quiet.

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

Home sweet home.

I dropped onto the living room floor, laying on my back as Brightheart raced to me and tackled into my side with a happy yip. I was grateful that Hinata had been able to take care of her while I was away (and on the three days she wasn't, Hanabi stepped up with much glee).

I kissed and hugged the growing puppy, delighted to be welcomed home with such joy. I had truly missed her, and it warmed my heart to be with her again.

It also felt nice to put the ending of the last mission out of my mind.

"Okay, little one," I cooed, "I need to get some work done. I promise to play with you once I'm done, though."

Brightheart yipped in protest, but I wouldn't be persuaded so easily.

I carried her over to the dining room table (where I had set up much of my brewing supplies) and pulled out the stationery items.

Then I set to work.

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

Dear Haku,

How are you?

How's your heart? Any sign of rejection? Did you guys end up staying in Wave, or are you back on the run? How's Zabuza? Has he admitted his love for Mei, yet? If he says no, tell him I say it's only a matter of time before he relents.

The harem is growing! As the first members, though, you'll both always have a special place in my heart.

Take care of yourself, and let me know if you need anything.

Love,

Sakura

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

Dear Gaara,

Hi darling.

You might remember me as the pink haired girl that gave you a tour of Konoha. If not, oh well.

I hope you're doing well. Naruto told me you two got into a little bit of a fight, so I hope my best friend didn't rough you up, too much. You're too much of a cutie to have a damaged face!

Anyway, the point I'm writing is because I would like us to be friends. Naruto already considers you a friend, and as his first best friend that automatically makes you my friend, too!

As my friend you have to be a part of my harem, though. No exceptions.

Lots of hugs and kisses,

Sakura

P.S. Tell Shukaku-sama that I love him.

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

Dear Takano,

I hope I was able to properly inspire you with my romance in regards to Kakashi. Please see the attached sketches and stories I had made in case you need more inspiration for your next movie.

Yours,

Sakura

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

 **Extra (as in no longer follows this chapter):**

I scooted closer towards Kakashi, my entire focus on The Booty.

Kakashi outwardly did not react to my advances. He instead continued to nod along with whatever Asuma and Kurenai were talking about. Gai threw in a few Youthful statements, but I wasn't paying much attention.

My hand twitched and I slowly began to reach out—subtle like a proper kunoichi, of course—towards The Booty.

Then I received a proper punch to the gut and I doubled over in pain, coughing.

" _Kakashi_!" Kurenai shrieked, rushing over to me and rubbing my back. "What is wrong with you?"

"You don't hit your student like that," Asuma added, his eyes narrowed as he actually _glared_ at my teacher.

Kakashi blinked. "She was going to grab my butt again."

"As if such a sweet girl would do something like that," Kurenai snapped, positioning herself in between the two of us. "Apologize this instant."

"But she was going to grab my butt," Kakashi insisted. "I've tried words, but physical action is the only way to stop her."

Kurenai snarled, "You're unbelievable—" She then screamed and shoved me away from her when I patted her bum.

" _See_!" Kakashi pointed at me, smugness in his tone. "She's a dirty old man in disguise, I swear."

Kurenai gaped at me. "Sakura why would you—?"

"Anko-senpai said your booty was better than Kakashi-sensei's, so I had to see for myself," I explained to her, unashamed. "I disagree, though. Kakashi-sensei still has the best booty."

Gai gave out a booming laugh. "How Youthful! Ah, to be young again."

"Damn Anko," Kurenai muttered crossly. "Corrupting such an innocent—" Kakashi snorted. "—child"

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

 **Attempt One:**

I didn't think it would take much effort. There was no way I told anyone about what I was planning to do that night, not even Anko.

When I returned from my C-Rank with Kakashi, I headed home, took Brightheart for a long walk, made dinner, set up a poison to brew overnight, and read in bed for a while. I even got a small nap in.

Then, at the ring of my alarm clock, I hopped out of my bed at exactly 11:50. With glee, I launched myself out of my bedroom window and merrily skipped over towards the bar Anko had told me about.

I would be a part of the Magical Mysterious Midnight Madness one day!

Anko wouldn't tell me the details, insisting that it was something I _had_ to experience for myself. The way she lovingly caressed the words as told me about it, I felt a strong sense of awe and desire to find out.

Somehow, deep inside of me, I knew that going to that bar at midnight would be the greatest thing I could ever experience. Possibly even countering any encounter with Kisame-sama.

Two steps away from the bar and a minute away from midnight, I was flabbergasted when I was suddenly flung over someone's shoulder and beginning to move rapidly away from the bar. "The fuck?"

"Nope," Kakashi denied cheerfully. "I am not going to sit by and let that place fuel your insanity."

"I will paint this world in the hues of my madness," I cried out in defiance, struggling out of my teacher's hold. He already had chakra-restricting handcuffs on me. "BDSM doesn't slow me down, darling."

"Oh, _I know_ ," Kakashi whispered, and despite having my face smashed firmly against his lower back, I could practically see the thousand-yard stare he was giving.

I tried to knee him, but his arm was wrapped tightly around my legs. "Let me go! I will succeed eventually. You won't be able to stop me every time."

"We'll see."

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

 **Attempt Five**

Anko ran as fast as her legs could carry her, while I was paralyzed and helpless in her arms. My explosion of poison backfired when Kakashi accurately predicted it, and I was left immobile for another hour.

Anko ducked behind a corner, the bar a mere couple blocks away. "My slave has earned the right, you cock-blockers!"

"Never," Kakashi said firmly.

Then Kurenai was in front of us, her arms crossed and eyes narrowed. "Anko-chan."

The cry of betrayal from Anko made my heart ache for her. "No. Kurei-chan!"

"I'm not going to let you corrupt such a sweet girl. Even if she is a dirty old man on the inside."

I grinned at that, taking it as a compliment.

Anko gave me a long look. "Not tonight, my darling."

I cried on the inside.

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

 **Attempt Twenty-Nine**

"MMm-MMMPH!" I struggled in vain to free myself from Kakashi's makeshift prison. He then pricked me with my own damn poison while I fought with the bounds.

"I'll be back from my mission in two days," Kakashi told me, smug as fucking hell. "Asuma will feed you and take care of Brightheart."

I wished, so dearly, I could flip him off.

Or at least pinch the booty.

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

 **Attempt 36**

Gai was outside my door.

Gai and Lee were outside my door.

Gai gave me at thumbs up. "Come, Kakashi's maiden. Let Us Commence in Midnight Youthful Frolics. I promised Kakashi I wouldn't take no for an Answer!"

"If he wasn't so goddamn hot," I muttered, deciding not to fight the Youthful Explosion. I could use the endurance test, anyway.

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

 **Attempt Seventy-Two**

"I will literally give up daily hugs for a month."

"No."

"Year."

"No."

" _Forever._ "

" _No_."

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

 _The return of Gedo and Doku, yippee!_

 _All hail the one-sided KakaSaku that is slowly driving Kakashi insane._

 _I made a My Hero Academia fanfic (titled Hail Friendship!) that main character is strikingly similar to this OC. Hmm._

 _Thank you for all the congrats! ^-^_

1\. Sakura's parents did die at the stadium. The neighborhood was simply one of the areas that enemy shinobi fought with Konoha. And ya'll know how shinobi battles tend to fuck up the surrounding area.

2\. I will not have the same three endings as the first story. This is a rewrite, so I want to do different endings. I think it's pretty friggin obvious what two of those endings will be (hint: one's in the title).

3\. The third / surprise ending will be voted upon by you guys, of course. Want her to end up with a girl? Sure thing. Want a threesome with her, Naruto, and Hinata? Why not. Want her to cruise it solo style with Ibuse? Yolo. You want Maddie-hime? Save it for the rewrite of the sequel, please (but if ya'll really want it, I'll finagle a way).

4\. I have considered five possible endings, yes.

5\. I am not gonna write Sasori until I finish this story. Then I will rewrite Sasori to match this story.

6\. Start thinking about the next movie ya'll want in. 'Cause Shippuden is coming up faster than you might think. Ya'll want another pre-shippuden movie in, hmu.

7\. Movie villains never make sense to me. Too strong in the beginning, then suddenly the heroes are evenly matched with them at the end? Please.

8\. Kakashi is op. Why in the heck canon doesn't have _him_ actually go all out and act like a damn ANBU Captain is beyond me. Laziness can only excuse so much!

9\. I always viewed Konoha as a village with excellent indoctrination. No one _really_ pauses about killing a "bad guy", so clearly they don't give much of a shit.

 _ **Question:**_ _What movie would you wish you could be apart of? What role would you want to play?_

 _Reviews are_ _ **love**_ _!_


	13. So a Gender-Fluid Doctor Walks Into a

_"I hope one day aliens read our ancient text and how we exploded the Samsung Galaxy."_

 _-Anonymous_

 _Hope this will ease some of your stress. It's okay to feel stressed at times, but don't let it consume you, my friends._

 _ **Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto._

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Naruto stepped into my kitchen and I looked up from cutting a slice of the cake I had made to greet him with a smile. My teammate hadn't bothered to knock on the front door, simply using the key I had given him to hop on inside (a habit I encouraged 'cause Goggle Gods knew I would never ever knock on the front door of my friends now that I knew how to jimmy a lock).

Naruto grinned back at me. "Hey pretty lady. Whatchya make?"

"Opera cake," I answered, giving a slice to Gedo and Doku before cutting off another piece.

"What's an opera?"

"Something that doesn't exist in this world and may never."

"Then why does it have a cake?"

I paused. "Because it exists in the Goggle God's heaven."

Naruto nodded his head, accepting my bullshit as fact. He pulled out a plate for himself, and I put a nice slice of the chocolatey goodness onto it. Naruto grabbed a glass from the top cabinet before filling it up with milk, then he took a seat at the table and dug in.

I cut off another slice and put it at Brightheart's seat at the table (because dogs apparently could eat chocolate in this world and who was I to deny chocolate to my darling angel?). The puppy sniffed at it delicately before nibbling on it, her short tail wagging.

Brightheart's fur had mostly grown over her previously bald patches. Her right side of her face was still unfortunately maimed enough that no hair would grow back, and a chunk of her right shoulder blade was the same, but everywhere else had fluffy puppy fur.

Mindful of her injuries and sensitive skin due to said injuries, I gave her a bath about once a week to provide treatment. The result was a happy puppy who no longer chewed on her itchy skin, but threw bigger and bigger temper tantrums when I dragged her into the bathroom.

Puppy did not like baths.

 _~Thanks you for the treat, Sakura-hime,_ ~ Gedo murmured in my head, nearly finished with her slice already.

I kissed my index finger then lightly brushed the top of her head. The blue salamander leaned into my touch, closing her eyes in a show of affection (not unlike a cat). Doku, meanwhile, merely gave a _harrumph_ in my head while shoveling his cake.

Naruto took a long swig of milk. "This is really good. Who taught you to make this?"

' _Father when he was on a sane day,_ ' I thought fondly. "A crazy man. It was quite an adventure. Involves a padded room on fire."

"Huh," Naruto responded, tilting his head a childishly cute way. "Care to share?"

"Maybe on a drunk night," I answered. "You won't believe me otherwise."

"I have yet to come across any reason _not_ to believe you," Naruto rebutted.

I grinned wickedly. "Has your sanity fled you, little sunrise? No more whispers of logic to guide you away from the Dark Side?"

"I'm fully corrupted," Naruto said confidently.

"Then I shall grant you the right to worship the Goggle Gods alongside me if you pass a test."

Naruto gave a crooked smile, a glint in his eyes. "What kind of test?"

"Make Kurama-sama smile."

Naruto blinked. "Who?"

I reached over and patted his cheek, then kissed the top of his head in fond affection before leaving the kitchen to grab a book I had purchased. It required forfeiting booty-grabs for a month, but it would hopefully be worth it.

Fūinjutsu I.

There were three written texts on fūinjutsu that was allowed to be purchased in any hidden village. It was agreed upon all that such books would be restricted to Jōnin in purchasing, simply due to how dangerous it was to teach fūinjutsu to children. While there was no _law_ against it, it was highly discouraged.

Learning fūinjutsu required numerous things that very few people could obtain.

1\. Excellent calligraphy skills

2\. _Outrageous_ chakra capacity

3\. Patience

4\. Creativity

5\. A certain level of genius

6\. An honest to Goggle God's natural talent for it (rarer than a blue moon to find outside of the Uzumaki Clan)

Expecting most of those traits to be found in someone under the rank of Jōnin was unheard of (especially the chakra capacity), and given the extremely _large_ fatality rate of people who have _tried_ to learn fūinjutsu—

Well.

Returning to the point: there was no _law_ against teaching a Genin fūinjutsu, but it was highly discouraged by all villages. It made no sense at all to risk their precious cannon fodder on something that likely wouldn't work out.

I handed the book to Naruto and he scrunched up his face.

"Finish this book," I told him. "It will be your first step to making him smile. In addition, if you finish this book: I will tell you who has a crush on you."

That got the boy to straighten his back. "What? _Really_?"

"I swear on my love for Kakashi-sensei and Kisame-sama," I swore.

Naruto's eyes widened. "Oh, wow. Do you—Do you really think I can read this, though? It looks pretty hard."

I cupped both of his cheeks. "My dear, you are going to be Hokage one day. Becoming a master in fūinjutsu will assist you in this dream, and the Goggle Gods told me that if you can become a master: you will achieve true greatness unlike any have ever seen."

"Really?"

"You have my word, darling. I know you can do it. Besides, the Uzumaki Clan is renowned for their fūinjutsu skills. It's in your very blood to do this, my sunrise."

Naruto beamed, his cheeks flushed. "Okay! I'll do it."

"Good. Now take a slice of cake to Hina-chan for me, dear."

"Okey dokey!"

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Once Naruto left, I headed to the hospital to do rounds with Shizune. Since we had returned from the Land of Snow—about two weeks ago now—our team had been delegated to training or easy missions morningside, then free time for the rest of the day. There had even been a couple of days that had been entirely left up to us.

The reason for rather slow couple of weeks was because Kakashi had been frequently called out to go on S-Rank missions. The first few only took a couple of days, but the last one (the one he was currently on) he estimated would take a solid week.

So he told us to make sure we kept up on our training, and I wasn't able to do it often, but when I had the free time I headed over to the hospital. The entire experience gave me an odd sense of nostalgia (which was _weird_ because I knew I hadn't trained at the hospital before), but overall was a pleasant experience. The staff became acquainted with me and I was allowed to supervise all surgeries with Shizune, which was inordinately useful.

Shizune was a pleased pickle to have me as her temporary slave around the hospital, forcing me to do a vast majority of paperwork and recite illnesses/treatments she would quiz me on. She even let me suture patients on good days, or diagnose them under her supervision.

We talked a lot about poisons, too. After I introduced her to my two summons—and explained what they did—Shizune was keenly interested in having them create new poisons she wanted to test out, as well antidotes. In the process, I got to learn a _lot_ more recipes (which I dutifully took notes on).

Despite having two excellent summons who could create the poisons / antidotes for me, I still decided to keep up with my garden and practice brewing on my own. It was a good skill to have, and I felt like the better I understood the process, the better off I would be.

The two of us were currently in her office. I was updating a few charts after we had performed successful surgeries on the patients.

A sharp beeping sound filled the office and Shizune let out a groan of annoyance. I gave her a sympathetic smile. "I can take care of it so you can finish your paperwork."

"Oh, would you? Thank you," Shizune said, handing me her beeper. "Take care of my patients for bit when you're done. I need to get caught up."

I saluted. "Consider it done, Senpai!"

Shizune smiled warmly at me, taking another dainty sip from her green tea. "Thank you, Sakura-chan."

The first time I called Shizune senpai instead of sensei she insisted I called her sensei until Tsunade accepted me as her apprentice, but I declined citing that she was far too young to be a sensei. That got me a cute giggle and head pat, and I finally got to call someone senpai and have it be accepted.

With a skip in my step I made my way towards the front desk.

' _Wonder what would warrant an urgent beeper? Maybe someone needs to get amputated!_ 'I thought with glee. That would be fun. Not for them, obviously, but fun for any surgeon. I never quite got Grey's Anatomy with their obsession with surgeries, but there was _quite_ the rush when suturing someone while their life hang in the balance. Since death didn't scare me risking my life no longer provided the pleasant rush.

Saving someone's life, though?

Nothing compares.

Quite selfish of me, I knew, but it wasn't like it hurt anyone for me to sincerely enjoy my job. I loved being a doctor-in-training!

If the whole kunoichi thing didn't work out, I was A-Okay with being the sexy doctor who was almost always in surgeries.

I approached the front counter and was surprised to find none other than Anko there. She didn't look banged up or injured, so I didn't understand why the receptionist paged for Shizune as an emergency.

Anko noticed me right away and leered. "Hey, cutie."

I winked and sauntered up to her. "My venomous goddess, however may I assist you today?"

" _Mn_ ," Anko purred, "a little boy wanted to act like a man, but couldn't handle it." Anko gestured to the catatonic man on the floor that was seizing. "Think you could fix him up so the big baddie in the hat doesn't bother me?"

"I would be delighted to," I told her, honestly excited to try and create an antidote all by myself. Then, realizing that quite a few patients and staff members were warily watching Anko and me, I reached out and took her hand. I brought it up to my lips and conjured my best teasing voice.

"Anko-sama," I murmured to her, whispering against the back palm of her hand, "if you come back to my place after work I'll show you the pleasure of an Opera delight."

"How could I say no to that?" she purred, her eyes dancing with mirth.

We both smiled privately to each other as we felt the horrified and disgusted looks the surrounding staff and patients gave us.

Making people uncomfortable was always fun.

The man below Anko gave a groan.

Ah, right. Time to play with my new patient!

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Kakashi's current mission had him out of the village for _at least_ a week. It was absolutely heartbreaking to be without The Booty for so long, but I persevered for both our sakes. I even went by his apartment (since I now knew where he lived) and left a sticky note on his door each day he was gone that read: I missed you today.

I even had Naruto sign it with me, and Sasuke signed a few with successful food-bribes.

I had caught a few glances from the ANBU passing by in the hallway when I left the notes. My beaming smile in return made them scurry away quick enough, though.

Our team still met up every morning, however, in spite of Kakashi's unfortunate absence. I made breakfast every morning, and Sasuke and Naruto came over to eat with me. The three of us would enjoy the meal before we headed out to the training grounds. We didn't particularly train _together_ (except for the rare free-for-all spar that was _not_ fun for me since poisons were banned), but rather beside one another. I exercised my chakra control and change of nature, while Sasuke worked on perfecting the Chidori, and Naruto tried to get his Rasengan down with only one hand (there were massive amounts of shadow clones covering the field). A couple hours before noon we would either end the group training for the day, or grab a D-rank mission and then end it.

That gave me a chance to work at the hospital, and Sasuke could only take socializing so much in a day (even if we didn't really talk with one another) before he got grumpy and needed to "recharge". I wasn't entirely certain what Naruto did every day, as sometimes he followed me home to have lunch before disappearing, and other times he left the training grounds in quite the hurry.

Regardless, my days ticked my in relative peace despite Kakashi's cruel abandoning.

Hinata approached our training ground fairly early the day after Anko's visit to the hospital. She looked a little dirty—likely only returned from a mission an hour or so ago and hadn't gone home to change, yet—but no less beautiful. Her shoulders were set straight, and there was a spark of determination in her eyes that made me smile.

I paused in my training, letting the pathetic dirt wall I had formed crumble in front of me. I hopped over the dirt and skipped over to Hinata, raising my arms in an obvious invitation to embrace. Hinata's beaming grin lit up the entire field as she eagerly returned my hug, even squeezing me.

"Hi, Hina-chan, what're ya doin' here?" I asked her, pulling back enough to properly talk with her, although I kept my arms still around her.

Hinata's grin softened into a smile. "Tsunade-sama is requesting your team; she has a mission for you."

"Another stupid D?" Naruto muttered, heading over towards us with his hands shoved in his pocket.

Hinata shook her head. "I think C."

"We get to leave the village?" I asked, excited. "Does that mean Kakashi-sensei has come back?"

Hinata gave a small shrug.

"We should go, then," Sasuke said.

"Duh! I miss my—I mean I miss Kakashi-sensei," I exclaimed. "Thanks, Hina-chan."

I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, which made Naruto squawk in surprise so of course I kissed him on the cheek, and so Sasuke didn't feel left out I tried to do the same to him.

He kneed me in the gut in a way that reminded of me Kakashi.

"We need to you get some Kakashi-sensei and soon," Sasuke muttered with disgust, dragging me to the mission desk while I tried to regain my breath from his brutal shut down.

I wheezed. "I miss him so much."

"We know," Naruto told me sympathetically.

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In the Land of Tea, every four years, the families held a race in dedication to the Todoroki Shrine as part of a ceremonial ritual.

Team Seven was given the B-Rank mission of escorting the runner throughout the race. Tsunade gave us the order to reach our client by the end of the day, or else face her wrath.

Needless to say we were out of Konoha within ten minutes (I had Naruto send a clone to Hanabi that Brightheart would need attention while I was away). Our team traveled at a decent pace, not enough to break a sweat, but certainly making good time.

Come noon Naruto's stomach let out the first growl with mine following soon afterwards. Thankfully our team was near a tea shop so we decided to enjoy a pleasant meal before running the rest of the way to our destination. We took a seat at a table and the waitress brought each of us strong-smelling black tea.

I noticed immediately that our soon-to-be client was seated at the far back table and seemed to be glaring at us.

' _Morino Idate. Disgraced younger brother to Ibiki. Hates all shinobi and kunoichi. Loyal to the family that "adopted" him._

' _Backstory: Failed the Chūnin Exams, was forced to remain a Genin forever. Depressed, he fell to Aoi's trickery (almost exactly like Naruto and Mizuki) and was forced to flee the village. Ibiki went to rescue him, along with two ANBU, but Aoi had signed an agreement with Amegakure and Ame sent their own ANBU team to secure Aoi and the stolen Konoha treasures. Ibiki was tortured, building caught on fire and Idate had to flee the burning building in order to survive._

' _Idate believed his brother died in the fire, along with Aoi. Wandered the streets as a homeless kid for a while before Jirōchō (who was paying us for the mission) picked him up and "adopted" him, so to speak._ '

"Welcome," she greeted us with a practiced smile. "What can I get for you?"

"Sweet bean soup," Naruto answered first, grabbing his tea and taking a big gulp.

"Dumplings would be nice," I told her.

"Takayoki."

The waitress gave a shallow bow before leaving and Naruto leaned onto the table and placed both his head in his hands. "Been awhile since we've had another escort mission, huh? Think it'll be another secret princess?"

"No," I answered for him. "We're going to get a whiny brat."

Both boys grimaced.

Like a puppet at play perfectly in tune with his unknown script, Idate approached our table. In a loud, arrogant voice he said, "Having sweet bean soup when it's so nice outside, shinobi sure are carefree. Things must really be peaceful for Konoha to send out such dense-looking guys."

With a growl Naruto stood up and slapped his hand on the table. "What the hell is your problem?"

Completely ignoring Naruto, Idate looked down at me. "Hey, I didn't know there was such a cutie here. I take back that previous comment. I'm Morino Idate, what's your name little lady?"

I smiled at our client. "First, I'm a boy, but thank you for the compliment."

Sasuke buried his face in his hands and Naruto looked away to hide his shit-eating grin. Idate was thoroughly surprised.

"Second, you're the younger brother to Morino Ibiki, yes? I'm sure he'll be quite happy to know where you are."

Idate's face paled. "What? My brother is alive?"

"And head of T&I," I responded. "Please allow me to introduce my teammates: Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke, and I am Haruno, ah, Ku. Haruno Ku."

Idate still looked absolutely thunderstruck that his brother was alive. He actually stumbled back. I motioned for Sasuke to scoot over and the avenger complied. I made room on the bench for Idate to sit with us, and I patted the seat next to mine.

"We are actually going to be your guards," I told him. "The old man hired us to protect you, and I'm sure Ibiki would want us to do an excellent job on his behalf."

Idate dumbly took a seat beside me. "I can't believe he's alive. All these years I thought I—I thought I failed him."

"What happened?" Naruto asked, decidedly less hostile now knowing I was pulling a fantastic prank on our client.

"He was tricked by a traitor named Aoi," I answered on his behalf, knowing Idate likely wouldn't be willing to share such information. Then I turned towards our client and gave him the most reassuring smile I could muster. "Your brother doesn't blame you for what happened. Aoi was Chūnin of Konoha, and you had no reason not to trust him. That being said he _does_ blame you for not letting him know you're alive and well after all these years."

"I had no idea he was alive," Idate confessed quietly. "I thought—I thought—"

"I know," I told him sympathetically, patting his shoulder. "The Goggle Gods wanted me to grant you this relief: perhaps you were not meant to be a shinobi, but that does not mean you weren't meant to be a good man. In doing so, I'm sure Ibiki would be proud of you."

Idate stared at me for a while longer, then buried his face in his hands. "You know everything, then?"  
"Yes," I responded. "Aoi, the man who tricked you, was hired by the other family you're going to race against. Aoi brought along help, and they want to kill you, Idate. My team won't let that happen, of course."

Idate's brow furrowed. "How can you say that? He's a Jōnin."

"Only in rank. Skill level he's barely a Chūnin," I dismissed airily. "We've faced _actual_ Jōnin before and won."

"Yeah, don't worry, Idate," Naruto said confidently. "Sa—I mean Ku's really strong, and so am I. The bastard over there is okay."

"I can kick _your_ ass," Sasuke informed Naruto.

"I know you can _try_ ," Naruto stressed.

The waitress brought over our food and I offered a dumpling to Idate. Idate took it quietly, chewing on it thoughtfully. "Can you tell me about my brother?"

"Of course."

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After enjoying an amicable lunch the four of us walked to Jirōchō's estate, since he was the one who technically hired us. We were let in and we all met with the middle-aged man. Jirōchō greeted us with friendly smiles. "Hello, Konoha shinobi. I'm glad you have already been acquainted with Idate."

"We're to escort him throughout the race, yes?" I inquired.

Jirōchō nodded. "Yes. I'm afraid our enemies, the Wagarashi, would wish to play dirty. Keep him safe for me, please."

"We will, don't worry," Naruto reassured him. "We've never failed a mission."

"I have faith," Jirōchō responded confidently. "The race is tomorrow morning, so please make yourselves at home until, then."

"Thank you."

Come morning the entire village gathered at the bay to watch the race start. Idate began his stretches and he muttered, "Keep Aoi off my back and we'll be golden."

"He won't survive long," I promised him, deciding not to mention that I was beyond stoked to have another chance to test Krait's Kiss on someone. Anko also gave me a recipe that would make people simultaneous retch and shit their parents until they threw up actual bits of their stomach and shat out their intestines. While that seemed interesting to watch, I thought it would be best reserved for emergency or for someone I _really_ hated. Or as an incentive to get someone to talk, since the poison lasted about seven hours before it reached a fatal stage. Sure would hurt, though!  
Naruto and Sasuke were equally decked out with poisons and sedatives I made last night. I gave them strong antidotes Gedo recommended using when facing Amegakure shinobi, and each had them at the ready for when we inevitably faced them.

And as the sun barely rose over the top of the horizon the announcer signalled for the race to start. Idate took off in a burst of speed before veering harshly to the left. The three of us followed behind him.

Deciding it would be best to play it safe so I could keep up with him, I released the seal on my weight-wristbands and ankle-bands. The immediate relief followed soon afterwards gave me a significant burst to my speed. After all, each weight had gathered up to fifty pounds (23 kg), so I felt two hundred pounds (90 kg) lighter.

Could I take a moment to appreciate the absurdity of those weights?

Because no way a normal thirteen year old would be able to lift that much, yet I was able to do so in my everyday life. Sure, it was a constant strain on my muscles and when I took it off to sleep my muscles cried in relief, but still. That was some crazy weight.

To be fair, though, I had also been consistently regulating chakra throughout my body in order to keep up with that. Without chakra I would have been down to maybe twenty pounds (9 kg) in each appendage, _but_ I had depressingly small reserves so Kakashi recommended that I slowly increased the weight and channel chakra throughout my muscles to simultaneously increase my reserves and how much I carried.

There were some days I couldn't do that (such as long shifts at the hospital), but for the most part I tried my best to keep up with what he recommended.

Still blew my mind.

I easily kept up with Idate, though, not even needing to use bursts of chakra at the bottom of my feet to give me boosts. The first time I felt the genjutsu fall over us, I immediately released before tapping my hand on his shoulder and giving him a burst of chakra to release it on him, too.

I called back to Sasuke, "Make sure Naruto's out of it, too."

Sasuke gave a sigh before slapping Naruto on the back of the head.

We continued on our way without an issue, and within fifteen minutes Idate reached his goal point and hopped onto a boat to begin sailing across the bay. We got on it with him, and I climbed up to the post. "As soon as I see the enemy, two of us should hop over to their boat and take care of them. Who wants to volunteer?"

"Whoever is left will have to deal with Aoi," Sasuke said.

"Yep."

"Any of us could hold him off, I think," Naruto said, "but we should probably have whoever goes over to the enemy boat be strong enough to take them out quickly so we can regroup."

Sasuke nodded shortly. "I agree. I'll go over."

"Naruto should go with you, then. I'll deal with Aoi," I responded, then hopped off the post and approached Idate. I pulled out a glass bottle with sludge purple liquid. "I need you to drink this. It's the antidote to my poison. When I see Aoi, I'm going to throw down as many poison bombs as I can, and it'll be impossible for you not to breathe them in. Don't worry, the antidote won't harm you."

Idate took it gingerly before uncapping it and gulping it down. "Urk. Tastes like piss."

Naruto and Sasuke both took their own antidotes. Naruto grimaced. "I always thought it had a more monkey butt taste."

"Rotten eggs," Sasuke admitted.

"Life without Kakashi," I answered loyally.

"You're such a fangirl," Naruto teased.

"I'm Kisame-sama's fangirl," I corrected him. "I am merely Kakashi-sensei's Butt Advocate. It demands to be treasured like the precious gift from the heavens it is."

"Right. That's nothing at all like a fangirl," Sasuke snarked.

"I'm Kisame-sama's fangirl," I insisted.

"Kisame-sama or Kakashi-sensei. Who would you choose?" Naruto asked.

"I refuse to ponder such a cruel question."

"Kisame's a missing-nin, that shouldn't even warrant pondering!"

"But he's _Kisame-sama_ ," I exclaimed, as if that explained everything. To me, it did. "You haven't even met him, yet."

"Um. I thought you said you were a boy," Idate pointed out.

"My sexual identity is fluid," I dismissed.

Idate didn't really know what to say to that.

"I see the boat," Sasuke said, and low and behold there was a boat trailing behind us. Without another word Sasuke leapt over the railings and ran on top of the water towards the boat. Naruto followed soon afterwards and I waved goodbye to them for the moment.

Idate and I continued sailing in relative peace and quiet for another half an hour before we spotted the land up ahead. Idate gave me a grin. "We're nearly there."

"Making good time, too," I commented, noticing the gathering storm clouds. In the anime Idate and Team 7 were frequently side tracked and caught unprepared. The genjutsu in the beginning cost them an hour, and the attack from the Amegakure team cost them another two hours. The enemy runner barely made it to the shore a little before Idate, so that meant they were at the very least over an hour behind us.

Aoi likely didn't leave his client to try and get ahead, misbelieving we would be successfully delayed and he would be able to get ahead. As it were, our team would reach the shrine first.

Idate reached the shore, and docked the boat. "Your teammates gonna be okay?"

"Don't worry about them. Let's get you to the shrine first," I told him.

Idate nodded firmly. "Okay, try to keep up."

"I won't let you out of my sight," I promised.

Idate took off in a sprint. We travelled for about half an hour, and the storm finally arrived. It rained heavily, but I never sensed any chakra inside of the rain, so I wasn't worried. Idate arrived at the shrine, climbed up the stairs, and grabbed the item required to complete the race.

Idate shot me a grin and a thumbs-up, and then off we went again to bring the item to the finish line.

To my complete and utter surprise Idate and I never ran into Aoi, and I didn't see my teammates again until after the race.

Idate crossed the finish line without any more fuss and his entire adopted family, and the villagers, cheered with much joy. Since the race was over, and our contract was technically complete, I decided to leave only a single clone with Idate before heading off to find my teammates.

I backtracked along the race and ran into Naruto and Sasuke talking amicably and walking slowly.

Naruto waved his hand excitedly and cheered. "Hey, Sakura-chan! Lookie, lookie!"

He held up Aoi's head.

I whistled. "Wow. I was wondering why we never ran into him."

"He was guarding the other racer," Sasuke explained as he approached me. He held out a slim notebook over to me. "They caught up to us after we dealt with that Amegakure team. He thought he could take us out and then catch up to Idate."

"He was an arrogant prick," Naruto stated firmly. "Thought the gas bombs were smoke bombs and actually stood in them."

"Oh my."

"I took notes for you," Sasuke said. "It was quite the process. He died within the hour, though."

I opened the notebook and found Sasuke's neat and detailed handwriting. "He cried blood?"

"It was gross," Naruto confided.

"That's interesting. Wonder what part of the poison caused that," I murmured. "Thanks for the notes, Sasuke!"

"It wasn't a problem. I know it's important," Sasuke admitted. "K-Kaa-san had piles of notes on poisons she made."

I smiled at him. "Thank you again."

He shrugged.

Naruto scratched his cheek with his free hand. "Did Idate win?"

Nodding my head, I responded, "Yeah. Did you guys recover Aoi's weapons?"

"Weapons?" they repeated. "He didn't use any weapons."

"Oh, boy. He's got some legendary artifacts and weapons on him. Including a sword of lightning made by Tobirama."

"Shit," was all Naruto said.

Sasuke sighed. "I'll be right back."

"Honestly, you two should know by now to strip the bodies," I scolded. "You remembered to get the head for the bounty, might as well get some free supplies out of it, too."

Naruto gave a grossed out noise. "We didn't _take_ the head off. It fell off."

" _Really_?"

"Yeah, it was _super_ gross."

"Ugh," I moaned with unhidden envy. "I really gotta see the full effect next time."

With a mission complete our team headed back to Konoha, with Idate promising to write to his brother. Thankfully Sasuke was able to recover the sword and our trip back was completely uneventful.

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" _Kakashi-sensei!_ " I screamed with utter glee. For too long I hadn't been able to see my beloved sensei, and _oh_ I hadn't realized how much I missed him. I threw myself at the young man with enough force that I felt his chakra spike to dig into the ground so he didn't topple over. My arms circled around his neck and my legs wrapped around his waist. I nuzzled into the crook of his neck, perfectly content for the moment.

Kakashi placed an arm around my waist, offering me a surprising amount of support while I body-hugged him. With his other hand he patted the top of my head. "Hello, Sakura-chan. How're my favorite minions?"

"Welcome back, Sensei," Naruto greeted, a bright smile on his face. "How long will you be back?"

"Please say forever," I murmured.

Kakashi gave me a consoling pat on the back. "For today and tonight, at least. I thought I'd check on your guys' progress before I get called away again."

Sasuke gave a small shrug. "We've been training on our own, and recently finished another C turned B mission."

"Sounds like quite the story," Kakashi commented.

An idea popped in my head and I leaned back from my pent up nuzzles. "We need to have dinner together tonight. All of us! My place. I will make the food. Naruto, Sasuke, you guys have to be there by five. Kakashi, I'm telling you to be there by one so you will show up at five. If you're later than five I will cry."

Naruto beamed. "Dinner sounds great! I love your cooking."

"Tonight is my designated rest night," Sasuke allowed. That vaguely surprised me because I thought for sure Sasuke would be the type to constantly over work himself every night, despite that being crazy unhealthy and detrimental to the long term. He always struck me as the obsessed type with his training.

I beamed and then looked pleadingly at Kakashi. The man in question was certainly uncomfortable, so I decided to help ease him. "Our safe word can be Spotty. You say Spotty and I guarantee to play safe and nice. I swear upon my devotion to the Goggle Gods."

"Spotty for my food indefinitely," Kakashi immediately said.

"So you'll come?"

"I'll come," he promised.

I released my hold on him so that way I could jump up and down in excited glee. Then I grabbed onto Naruto and made him jump and hug with me. I pulled away from him after a minute then took off. "I gotta start getting ready!"

"What about training?" Kakashi called after me.

"I'll train at midnight instead," I dismissed.

* * *

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* * *

My kitchen table was too small for our whole team, and the dining room was set up as my brewing lab. I decided to stop by the furniture store before I headed home to cook (I created two shadow clones, which left me to a lowly quarter of my chakra left, and sent them to go grocery shopping). I picked out a low-sitting dining table (a light-wooden colored one with a smooth finish) that would be plenty big to seat each of us. I got red cushions to go with it, and went ahead purchased a matching futon.

It took a couple trips to carry everything to my house (and it was _so_ nice to be able to carry such a heavy table by myself. I felt so proud of my muscles!), and about ten minutes to set it up in the living room, but it was worth the effort. I had my clones clean up the living room while I set to work in the kitchen.

I wasn't a messy person, per say. I had a routine around the house, and breaking that routine left me uncomfortable, so it was easy to keep things relatively picked up. I had many hampers and trash bins scattered about the house so I never had to worry about leaving messy stuff on the floor, but I was lazy about putting away books/notes/sewing supplies. Not to mention Brightheart shed _a lot_.

I minced and chopped up onions and let the sirloin rest inside of them while I worked on other aspects of the dinner. I made fresh dough to use as the wrap for the wellingtons, and with the leftover dough I added sugar and extra butter to turn it into a pie dough. With meticulous and happy focus, I worked on the dinner.

Cooking always made me happy. It reminded me of baking with Father, and cooking with Kaa-chan. I felt a little pang in my heart when I thought about them, but it wasn't enough to wipe off my smile. Maybe it was silly, but when I closed my eyes I felt like they were with me, telling me what to do for the next step.

The door swung open and I heard Brightheart let out a soft yip of a greeting. Brightheart had alternated between laying on her bed in the kitchen and watching me work, and going outside in the backyard and playing with her toys. For the moment she had returned to the kitchen and managed to persuade me into giving her a strip of steak.

I looked down at the puppy, and she looked back up at me, licking her chops.

"Smells _amazing!_ " Naruto crowd. "Is that a new table?"

"Yeah, there wasn't going to be enough room in the kitchen, so I got another table. Can never have enough table space," I responded, pulling out the wellingtons from the oven. Naruto let out a groan of appreciation at the smell. I placed them on the cooking rack and turned around to greet my guest. "Thirsty?"

"A little," Naruto responded, stepping into the kitchen and taking everything in with wide eyes. "You made all of this? _Wow_."

I beamed with pride. "It's the first dinner we'll be having as a complete team. I wanted it to be nice."

"Good thing I skipped lunch," Naruto exclaimed. "Man, this looks great. Did you bake a pie?"

"It's on the window," I responded, pulling off my apron and hanging it on the kitchen hook by the doorway. "Let me put the tea on and we can head into the living room."

Naruto gave a nod, following behind me as I set up the kettle, then headed into the living room. He sat at one end of the table, sprawling out his legs and leaning back. "Your home smells so good, Sakura-chan."

"Aw, thanks. Did you get any reading done?"

Naruto smiled and nodded. "Yeah. It's really hard, and I have to re-read the same paragraph a couple times to get it, but I won't give up."

"I'm sure you'll do great," I reassured him.

The front door opened as Brightheart hobbled into the living room. The puppy flopped into my lap, and Sasuke popped his head. "Smells nice."

"Thank you," I responded, beaming at him. "Come sit with us, the tea's almost done. When Kakashi-sensei arrives we can eat."

"He better get here soon," Naruto said. "I'm _starving_."

Sasuke took a seat beside Naruto. "What's for dinner?"

"Beef wellingtons, mashed potatoes, inari sushi, cabbage rolls, fried curry buns," I began listing off. At their expression, I offered them a sheepish smile. "I wasn't sure what everyone would want, so I made everything. Whatever isn't eaten I can use as leftovers for my lunch."

"What's a wellington?" Naruto asked.

"Try it and find out," I told him. "I think you'll like it."

There was a polite knock at the door. I hollered, "It's forever unlocked, come in."

Kakashi entered my home, and stepped into the living room. "Smells delightful."

"Finally, we can eat," Naruto cheered, hopping up from his seat and making a mad dash towards the kitchen. Sasuke and I followed behind him at a slower pace, with Kakashi behind us. Naruto grabbed a plate and began to shovel a mountain of food on it. While he did so I turned towards the others and said, "I made green tea and lemonade. Do you have a preference?"

Kakashi answered, "Green tea."

Sasuke nodded. "Me, too."

I got their drinks and brought them over to the table, along with a teapot and pitcher, while they grabbed their food. By the time I grabbed my plate of food and made it back to the table, everyone was seated and waiting. I grinned. "Dig in!"

"Thanks for the food," they chorused.

And what a perfect dinner it was.

* * *

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* * *

Dear Sakura,

Zabuza and I are fine. He insists that he does not love Mei and if you bring it up again he will leave the harem. I promise to remain a part of the harem regardless, though. Thank you for your recipe on brownie cookies, we both love them.

On a side note, it seems that Mei actually found us and has become the new Mizukage. She wanted to personally invite Zabuza and I back into Kirigakure. Zabuza was exceedingly polite with her.

Zabuza is never polite with women.

I believe I must join you in shipping them together.

Yours,

Haku

* * *

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* * *

Dear Sakura,

Hello. I remember you. Naruto fought well against me. Thank you for the compliment. I would like us to be friends. I will join your harem.

Sincerely,

Gaara.

* * *

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* * *

Dear Sakura,

See the enclosed script I have for an upcoming movie about a forbidden love between a teacher and student.

Interested in going to the premiere?

Thanks for the sketches,

Takano

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

 **Extra:**

Kakashi stared at his sticky-noted covered apartment door and felt a combination of embarrassment, annoyance, and affection. He wasn't used to having such, ah, openly affectionate people in his life and it would still take a while before he was completely comfortable with it. That being said, part of him enjoyed it _a little._ It reminded him of simpler times.

Times before he took his first life. Before his father. Before Obito. Before everything went to shit.

It nice to think about those times. It'd been a long time since Kakashi thought about _happy_ memories.

So despite it being an annoyance, and despite being thoroughly embarrassed, Kakashi took down the notes with care. He wouldn't throw them away, he decided. He'd put them in a box and hold onto them.

It'd been a long time since he got to keep something that made him happy.

Maybe it was finally okay to do so?

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

 _ **I will not do Road to Ninja movie for this story**. Because let's be honest: I would have to bring the rating up to M if it was a world based on Sakura's wishes._

 _And for anyone who wanted to know about my original story: I have the prologue and first chapter done. It'll probably be around fifty chapters for the first book._

 _ **Answer:** Any Pokemon movie. I want to be a Pokemon trainer and forever live in the Pokemon world._

 _ **Question:** Who would be in your harem? No more than ten._

 _Reviews are **love**!_


	14. Saving Princess Duck-Butt

_**This chapter is dedicated to dear Cantrona. ^-^ Thank you for your support and once more happy belated birthday.**_

" _Today I will be as useless as the G in lasagna."_

 _-Anonymous_

 _ **Disclaimer**_ _: I do not own Naruto_

 _ **Warning**_ _: This is a crack story, with a morally ambiguous protagonist._

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* * *

"Well, I wasn't there for the exams, but there were many opinions of support for you all," Tsunade began.

I stood in between Sasuke and Naruto, with Hinata next to Naruto, and Shikamaru next to her. We were all in Tsunade's office, bright and early a few days after our team had returned from the mission in the Land of Tea.

Tsunade's amber eyes swept over each of us before they settled on Sasuke. "Sasuke, you were clever in the first part of the exam, using deceit to steal the answers. In the second part your team cleared the stage within twenty four hours, a feat not to be dismissed so easily. You were decisive in your preliminary match, and displayed combat skills of at least Chūnin rank. While it was a shame the final round concluded before we could see more of your skill, your teacher gave enough of a recommendation for you that the council agreed with your promotion. Congratulations.

"Sakura. You saw through the first exam, barely phased from Ibiki's intense psychological warfare. You single-handedly eliminated half of your competition in the second stage, and showed tactical planning and impressive combat skills in your preliminary match, as well as in the final rounds. You have earned your promotion. Congratulations.

"Naruto. Luck got you through the first round, but you proved your combat skills were Chūnin level when you faced against Kiba. You did not sustain a single injury in the final round because you did not need to reveal yourself to your enemy. I have personally seen you in combat, and you certainly have the charisma to lead a team. With Kakashi's recommendation, and my own, it is agreed you will be promoted. Congratulations.

"Hinata. Your boldness and loyalty for fellow shinobi is impressive, especially as it contradicts academy reports. Your growth has caught the eyes of many, and the fact that you were able to lead your team through the second stage was not unnoticed. You dealt with an opponent that, on paper, should have easily beaten you. You won, though. You have a critical mind, impressive taijutsu skills, and the courage and loyalty to lead. You have earned your promotion. Congratulations.

"Shikamaru. You saw through the first exam, and lead your team to victory in the second stage. You were decisive in your preliminary match, and you understood when it was time to surrender in the final round. Asuma highly recommends you for a promotion, citing that you have already lead your team through difficult missions, and are more than ready for the responsibility of Chūnin. You have been promoted. Congratulations."

The sheer amount of pride that rolled off of everyone in that room was stunning.

Tsunade waved her hand over to a stack of flaks on her desk. "Take your flak and leave. Ah, Sakura, stay behind."

Naruto and Sasuke glanced over at me and I gave them a big smile. "Let's meet up for breakfast, okay?"

"'Kay." Naruto gave me a thumbs up. "C'mon, angsty boy. Let's have ramen for breakfast!"

Sasuke slugged Naruto. "We're not eating ramen for breakfast."

As my teammates filed out—and Hinata gave me a beaming smile before she left—I turned back towards Tsunade. "How can I help the pretty lady?"

"Shizune has been talking up a storm," Tsunade said slowly. "I'm not in the mood for another full-time apprentice, but I suppose I can train you during free time. Shizune will oversee your training the rest of the time."

I bowed to her. "I would love any assistance you can provide, Tsunade-sama."

"Good. It's not for free." Tsunade then gave me a rather evil grin. "Since your entire team has been promoted to Chūnin, team 7 is technically dissolved. You'll still go on missions, of course, because you were trained to work well together, but I have something different in mind. You told Shizune you wanted to continue training with Kakashi no matter what, yes?"

"That's correct," I agreed. "I love him."

"We know," Tsunade dismissed, her smile no less evil. "So you would not object to a permanent partnership with him?"

"Absolutely not!"

"Good. When he gets back you can tell him the good news youself."

I squealed. "This is like a dream come true."

"It'll teach him to report late to _me_ ," Tsunade muttered under her breath. Then she smirked. "When he gets back I'll have a mission for you two to go on."

"Just the two of us?" I asked, utterly delighted.

"Yep."

Shizune coughed to try and cover up her laugh. "Ah, I do hope you tell that porn-reading per—I mean, Kakashi the _great_ news while near a camera."

"I'll see if I can rope Naruto and Sasuke into helping me with that. It's the least I can do," I told her.

* * *

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* * *

I met up with my teammates at Ichiraku, unsurprised to find Naruto's stubbornness won out in the end. I slid into a seat beside Naruto, and waved cheerfully at Teuchi. Naruto slurped loudly before greeting me. "Hey Sakura-chan!

"What did the Hokage want to talk to you about?" Sasuke asked me.

"Well, since we're all Chūnin Team 7 is technically disbanded," I answered. "So Tsunade-sama, in her great wisdom, decided to partner me up with Kakashi-sensei indefinitely."

Both boys choked on their food, then Naruto started howling with laughter. He pounded the counter and clutched at his gut, and even Sasuke was struggling to suppress his wheezing laughter.

"Please," Naruto begged me, "let me be there when you tell him."

"Tsunade-sama requested a recording of it. What say you two assist me in such?"

"We certainly can't deny a request from our Hokage," Sasuke said with a small grin.

The three of us enjoyed a good laugh, anticipating Kakashi's return. We spent the rest of the breakfast setting up a grand plan of how to get the whole thing on video, and what to do for maximum impact.

We merrily chatted for a couple more hours after that before we decided to head our separate ways to train. I headed home to check up on Brightheart and try brewing a new recipe Anko so kindly gave to me.

When I came through my front door Brightheart gave a happy bark and hobbled over to greet me. I bent over and kissed her nose. I scratched the good girl behind her ears then changed into some stretchy and comfortable clothes so I could do yoga in between brewing processes.

It felt like one of those good days. I got a promotion. I got to be partnered with Kakashi for the rest of our lives. I got to enjoy a wonderful breakfast with my friends.

And now I got to relax at home with my puppy, and make poisons.

What a great day.

* * *

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* * *

My forehead woke me up that night.

It itched and burned to a rather significant degree that it jolted me awake from my sleep. I reached up a hand to scratch at it, confused why the center of it felt so incredibly uncomfortable. My scratching did nothing to appease the itch, and then after another minute of solid discomfort the sensation went away.

 _That's weird_ , I thought.

Brightheart stirred beside me, the sweet puppy nuzzling deeper into my side and giving a tiny bark in doing so. My gaze softened and I reached out and pulled the covers further over her. She slept in the same bed as me, and loved it when I tucked her into bed. A quick glance at my clock told me it was a little before midnight.

Despite it being so late I felt wide awake. There was a nagging thought in the back of my head.

Something was definitely off.

' _Did I leave a burner on_?' I carefully got out of bed, taking mind not to wake up my little heater. I put on my fluffy bunny slippers and an even fluffier robe before I headed downstairs into my dining room-turned-brewing room. I examined my equipment with sharp eyes before confirming that nothing was amiss with them. I headed into the kitchen next, then to my front garden.

Nothing at home seemed off.

So why was there a wiggling thought worming its way through my mind?

What was wrong?

I decided to go for a run around Konoha. Maybe I would see something that would catch my eye.

I changed into my training gear (flexible and breathy shorts with a comfortable training bra—perfect for dealing with the crazy hot summer days in Konoha), then tied my headband in the same manner as canon!Sakura, and slipped on my worn sandals then headed out.

Nothing immediately caught my eye.

I jogged at an easy pace, my gaze sweeping across the street in search of an explanation to why I felt so odd. My forehead itched again, and I ignored it. I circled around Naruto's apartment before heading to Kakashi's, then Sasuke's place. I felt Naruto sleeping soundly in his home, and of course I didn't sense Kakashi in his apartment.

Oddly enough I didn't sense Sasuke at his place, either.

For some reason that bugged me.

So I tried to reach out with my sensing ability and search for that familiar staticky feeling I got from Sasuke. I sprinted as I searched, trying to cover as much ground as I could.

I almost missed him.

Maybe if I hadn't been so perturbed about his absence I wouldn't have been so hyper focus to his signature.

When I found him, I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, releasing the seals in the process.

I stumbled to a stop when I saw him.

He had a backpack slung over his shoulders, and his hands shoved into his pocket.

I recognized immediately what was happening; a keen sense of sadness fell over me before I brushed it aside. I ran up to him, placing a hand on his shoulder and causing him to pause and look at me.

I smiled at him. "Going to Orochimaru?"

He looked up at the stars. "Goggle Gods?"

"Something like that, I guess," I allowed, finding it odd I had coincidentally awoken on the night he left. "I know you have to go. At least for a little bit. The Curse Mark you have isn't fully complete, and you need to finish it before it kills you. The Sound Four will take you to him."

Sasuke nodded slightly, closing his eyes. "I have to go."

"Sort of," I admitted. "I have to tell Naruto and the others when dawn hits. They have to procrastinate your arrival, because if you arrive too soon then Orochimaru will take over your body and you will die. You'll never see your brother again."

Sasuke turned towards me, a slight frown on his face. "And then?"

"Orochimaru destroys Konoha." The words came out of my mouth and I grimaced.

' _How do I know that_?' I wondered.

 **Kekkei genkai.**

' _It's_ not _a kekkei genkai._ '

Sasuke's face paled a little at that, but he did an impressive job of displaying apathy.

"You don't have to go to home," I continued. "When we delay the Sound Four, you will get a chance to fight Naruto for real. When that battle is over you'll have the choice to come back home, or go to Orochimaru."

"What happens if I go to him? What happens if I stay?"

"If you go to him, you will get the training you want," I admitted. "You will become strong. Naruto and I will find you in about three years, and you will get your fight with Itachi. But those three years are going to be hard on you; Orochimaru is every bit the mad scientist the world makes him out to be. He's going to want you to do things you don't want to do, and you'll never be comfortable there. You won't be happy. Stay here, though, and you get the training you want, but it'll take longer. You will get to face Itachi though, _and_ you'll be happy."

Sasuke shifted uneasily, his eyes drifting back up at the stars. Silence fell between us, as I wondered how such a lovely day had taken a rather sour turn.

"Sasuke, you understand best what you need," I finally said. "What you've been through—I have no way of truly understanding your pain. Of course I _want_ you to stay, but I can't honestly say it's the best choice for you. Yes, Orochimaru is a mad scientist, but he's a genius. Maybe you need a different perspective, maybe you need that immediate gratification for power. I don't know. What I _do_ know is that no matter what you choose: I'm still here for you. I will support your happiness as best as I can, Sasuke. And I may not love you like I love Kakashi-sensei, or Kisame-sama, but I _do_ love you.

"All I want is for you to be happy. I want you to live comfortably, and happy. I want you to be able to smile. I want you to be able to _want_ to have a family again. I know right now it's hard, and I get that, really I do. I can't force you to be happy, or take an approach that _I_ think is best. Only you know what you need," I finished softly. "I hope you come home, though. I hope you choose to come back, but if you don't I won't hold it against you, because I'm your friend. I'll always be your friend."

Sasuke didn't respond for a while, his gaze downcast and his hands shoved deep into his pockets. He shifted his posture, rocking from side to side as he took in my words. I patiently waited, knowing that time was something he needed. I never hid my affections for my friends, but it was the first time I verbalized the fact that I loved him like a dear friend, and what I sincerely hoped for him.

Sasuke finally mumbled, "Will you take care of Kaa-san's garden?"

"I promise," I swore to him.

"Her notes are in a room beside their bedroom," he continued quietly. "I don't want them to go to waste."

I gave him a soft smile. "I'll take good care of them. Thank you."

He swallowed. "Their—their—their _graves_ —"

"I'll keep them clean, and visit them as often as I can."

Sasuke shifted again. "Do you, I mean, is there anything—?"

Quickly understanding what he asking, I gave a nod. "Promise me a couple things. The biggest one is that you _have_ to listen to me before you fight Itachi. I _will_ find you right before you fight, and I—I'm going to have some information you need to hear. It'll be unbelievable, and hard, but you have to promise me you'll listen."

"I promise," Sasuke agreed with ease.

"Try to find Kabuto's weakness for me," I added. "He's the one person I can't forgive. I mean you don't have to if you don't want to, but—"

Sasuke gave a wry smile. "Consider it done."

"Lastly, don't forget about us. Naruto and I care a lot about you, and when we see you again in three years you better not be a dick and try to kill us."

"I promise I won't try to kill you," Sasuke said with a frown. "Why would I—?"

"If you break that promise I _will_ use you as my first live test subject for when I complete my poison to make people strip," I threatened. "Cameras and fangirls will be involved."

"I promise I won't try to kill you," Sasuke reiterated quickly.

I gave him a smile and held out my arms. "Good."

Sasuke hesitated for a split second before he stepped into them. I hugged him tightly, placing a small kiss on his cheek in a familiar manner. Then I took a step back as to not pressure him and said, "It'll make my life easier if you knock me out for a few hours so I can wake up at exactly dawn and not get in trouble for not preventing you from leaving."

Sasuke's lips twitched. "Okay. I'll—I'll see you later?"

"I'll see you in a few years," I promised him. "Watch out, I'll probably be one helluva sexy lady by then."

"I don't think pigs will learn to fly that soon."

I stuck my tongue out at him, and he took that chance to deliver a decisive chop to the back of my neck.

* * *

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* * *

I awoke at dawn, impressed with Sasuke's skill to accurately time it. My neck was stiff, and I took a couple minutes to stretch out the worst of the kinks before I headed out to Tsunade's office. I climbed up the outside wall, drawing more than a few gazes my way, and knocked on her window. Tsunade barely spared me a glance before rolling her eyes and gesturing for me to come in.

Hopping inside, I said without missing a beat, "Sasuke has been manipulated into leaving the village and is currently being kidnapped by Orochimaru's Sound Four. Permission to send a retrieval team after him?"

Tsunade's eyebrows shot up. "Elaborate."

And so I did.

By the time I was done Tsunade's expression went from anger, to irritation, back to anger, and now settled on sheer annoyance.

"It's interesting how Orochimaru knew the passcode to the sealing barrier around the village _again_ ," I commented.

"Your Goggle Gods know something about that?"

"That's a story for another day. A day that involves Jiraiya-sama, then-created privacy seals, and a few other individuals," I answered vaguely. "And as far away from this tower as possible."

That got a raised eyebrow. "You don't think my office is secure?"

I mouthed: _I know it isn't._

Her eyes narrowed. "Interesting. We'll discuss it further when you get back from your mission, I'm sure."

"I'd love to," I answered honestly. "May I please form a team to retrieve my silly teammate?"

"Of course. We certainly can't let Orochimaru get his hands on one of our own," Tsunade agreed. "That being said, I don't have any Jōnin to spare for you—"

"I was thinking about myself, Naruto, Team Eight, Team Nine, and Team Ten."

Tsunade made a small humming sound. "If you think you can deal with elite guards of Orochimaru with them, by all means. This mission is ranked as S, so no one should give you grief."

I saluted to her. "Roger!"

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* * *

"Naruto, my darling!" I cried out, swinging open his front door. Naruto sat up with a snort from his bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

He blinked blearily. "Wasn't that locked?"

"Yep," I responded. "Let's go. Orochimaru kidnapped Sasuke."

" _What?!_ "

"Yeah, we gotta go. Make a bunch of shadow clones and gather everyone on Hina-chan's team, and Shikamaru's team. I'll get Gai's team. Meet me by the front gates in half an hour."

"R-Right!"

* * *

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* * *

Half an hour later we had our tired team members.

I assessed the group and then gave them a splitting grin. "Alright, we're going to be facing some opposition. The Sound Four are going to prioritize getting Sasuke to Orochimaru, so they'll likely follow a plan of sacrificing one at a time to slow us down. We'll leave two behind each one to defeat them, while the rest carry on.

"Hina-chan and I are going to be the first ones to stay behind," I told them. "This way I'll be able to follow behind you guys and provide medical assistance after you've won your battles—and you are going to win, because losing is not an option and ya'll are too amazing and precious. I want Hina-chan to stay with me because she'll be my heavy hitter. You okay with that my sweet princess?"

Hinata smiled at me adoringly. "I'll protect you, m-my queen."

I awed at her and couldn't resist patting her cheek. "You're such a cinnamon roll."

"Did the Goggle Gods tell you more about these Sound Four assholes?" Naruto asked me.

"The what?"

"Who?"

" _What_?"

I ignored the majority of the questions, choosing instead to answer Naruto's. "Yes. The first one we will face—Hinata and I—is a berserker style and brainless brute. He'll be easy to outmaneuver, and I'm hoping Orochimaru didn't give him immunity to poisons because he seems like a great candidate to _finally_ see Krait's Kiss in person."

Naruto looked properly grossed out at the mention of my favored lethal poison. "Urk."

"The only girl in the group is a genjutsu specialist, and Shikamaru and Chōji should do well against her. Neji and Tenten would be best against the archer/spider boy—he's the one with the dark hair in a ponytail—and Kiba and Shino will be _fine_ against the twins. That'll leave Lee to handle the fifth member who will show up towards the end as a pleasant plot twist."

Naruto blinked in confusion. "Wait, what about me?"

"Sasuke's Curse Mark is going to make him extremely aggressive by the time we get to him, so you'll have to bitch slap him down to make him come home," I explained cheerfully.

"How can you know this?" Shikamaru asked.

"Sakura-chan always knows about this stuff," Naruto answered flippantly. "The Goggle Gods see the future and tell her about it."

Hinata nodded her head. "It's true. Sa-chan specially prepared me to fight Neji-niisan, even if I did not know it at the time."

At that, Neji's eyebrow rose. "They knew you were destined to fight me?"

Hinata actually _narrowed her eyes at him_. "Neji-niisan, what did I say about using that word around me?"

Then—and holy smokes it must be a cold day in hell because— _pre-time skip_ _Neji winced at Hinata_. "I apologize, Hinata-sama."

Hinata smiled in return, the misplaced annoyance gone from her face in that instant. "Accepted, Neji-niisan. I'll forget about it, too, since Sa-chan's knowledge can be hard to take."

"You get used to it, though," Naruto said. "And she's _never_ wrong."

Shikamaru steepled his hands together in his signature pose, his eyes darting between the three of us before settling on me. "Kekkei genkai?"

A shot of panic made me jump at his words, color draining from my face and my heart starting to pound. " _Hush_! Please! Not a kekkei genkai!"

The group as a whole seemed surprised at my outburst—to be honest I was, too—but Shikamaru didn't push for more than that. He raised his hands up in a gesture of peace. "Okay. Let's simply treat what you have as—as given information. The source is unknown, but has been reliable in the past. As a group, do we trust this information enough to rely on it?"

"I trust it with my life," Naruto immediately said. "Sakura-chan has never been wrong before."

Hinata nodded firmly. "I trust Sa-chan."

Lee gave the group a big thumbs-up. "I'm sure our beautiful cherry blossom is reliable! I trust the information."

"Obviously I trust the information," I put in. "I'd like to add that Kakashi-sensei has also relied on my source on previous missions. One of them involving the safety of the now feudal lord of the Land of Spring."

That got some more raised eyebrows in the group.

"If that guy trusts it, then so do I," Kiba said reaching up and scratching Akamaru's head. "Kaa-chan always said he had the instincts of our best hound."

"I will trust this source of information. Why? Because an elite member of our village has relied upon it in the past, and our comrades support it now," Shino stated firmly, his soft voice carrying an impressive weight on the group.

Shikamaru nodded. "Despite the, ah, absurdity behind it, given the track record—and I suppose my own instinct plays a part in this—I vote to trust, as well."

Chōji immediately added, "I'll vote to trust the information, too."

The last members to hold out exchanged looks of varying levels of reluctance. Tenten and Neji both looked like they very much did _not_ want to trust my information, but with the majority of the group on board their protests would likely be drowned out. Still, Tenten tentatively said, "I'm not familiar with Sakura-san, and a good track record doesn't mean perfect."

Naruto glared balefully at her on my behalf. I placed a hand on his shoulder to prevent him from losing his temper. The sunrise was a naturally happy individual, but when it came down to his friends his mother's temper came a'knocking.

I turned towards Tenten. "I can't make you believe, but I can ask that you let me prove it to you."

Then I took a deep breath and began to give physical descriptions of each of the Sound Four members, as well as their strengths and weaknesses. I was as detailed as I could be, pulling information I didn't even know I had in order to give them all a solid impression of each of the members. Then I went on to describe _why_ I suggested each duo for fighting them; because I had seen some members fight individually and come out on top. The only fight I didn't see clearly was the fight Hinata and I would be facing, one of the reasons why I wanted to place myself in that fight so I could actively control the outcome.

By the time I was done, the group was silent. Shikamaru was the first to break the silence by saying, "That's extensive knowledge."

"It's not a kekkei genkai."

He held his hands up again, likely realizing how uncomfortable that association made me. "It doesn't matter at this point, anyway. We'll proceed as if the information is reliable, and go from there. We don't have a lot of time, so we'll cement a plan as we move. Let's go."

As a group we turned and sprinted out of the gates of Konoha.

Our group moved as one as we took off into the trees. We leapt from branch to branch, with myself and Shikamaru in the lead. It went unsaid that I was in charge of the mission, but I appointed Shikamaru as second in command. Naruto looked like he wanted to protest, but seemed to think again and didn't. I was impressed by such, recalling how boisterous and rash canon!Naruto was by that point.

Did I really influence him to grow differently?

It was interesting to see what I had already effected; Hinata was the biggest point. The once shy girl was brimming with confidence and looked far more like her adult counterpart than her pre time skip counterpart. Her shoulders and back were kept straight, and her stutter virtually vanished when it was only us two. She was still perpetually kind—I doubt anything would ever take away her kindness—and soft-spoken, but there was a fire in those eyes that I knew I put there.

Naruto was another obvious change. As I thought before, his canonical counterpart was brash, loud, and thoughtless at times. While my ball of sunshine was most certainly still loud and blunt, he was considerably more thoughtful and showed off a surprisingly keen mind under all that boister. I wasn't sure _how_ I had changed him to be more strategic than punch-happy (I never thought in a million years he would have fought Kiba without ever personally stepping in, but low and behold he did), but it was a pleasant surprise.

Sasuke was a bit harder to see any difference. He _seemed_ happier than his canonical counterpart, but it was hard to be certain. I knew he was definitely more open-minded to teamwork, and frankly relied on me more so than canon!Sakura (purely because of the Goggle Gods, I was sure).

That being said, he still got his Curse Mark, _and_ he was still heading off to Orochimaru.

Well, I knew he would definitely go to Orochimaru if he got the Curse Mark since that's what he did the last ten—

Ten—

Fifteen—

Thirty—

 **Um.**

' _Um._ '

My brow furrowed as I tried to finish that thought.

… _since that's what he did the last…_

' _Last what? Last time? Last ten/fifteen/thirty times?_ '

 **That doesn't make sense. Why would you think that?**

' _Um…_ '

"—Sakura? Oi, Sakura?"

I blinked, jolting out of my thoughts. "Huh? What?"

"I said," Shikamaru drawled out, "can you explain why we should split up again?"

"Oh—ah—yeah. They're going to leave behind one person at a time to slow us down regardless," I answered him. "They're goal is to get Duck-Butt to Orochimaru by any means necessary. They'll gladly sacrifice their lives for that goal; they're zealous for him. Leaving behind one person to prevent us from going on is a no brainer for them."

Shikamaru gave a slow nod. "It would make the most tactical sense. And you think you and Hinata should stay behind to deal with the first threat?"

"I'm the only authorized medic on the team," I answered. "I need to stay behind the group."

"All the more reason you should stay _with_ the majority, then," Tenten pointed out.

I shook my head. "Then those that we leave behind will be without assistance. It makes the most sense for me to stay behind for the first target, then follow up. That way I'll be able to reunite with every duo that stayed behind and tend to their injuries before moving on. If I stayed with the group I'd have to back track to help; or worse they'd be entirely without medical assistance. Hina-chan should stay back with me, since she's one of the only two people on the team that has experience fighting with me, and she'll be able to help me track you guys down."

"It'd make the most sense to do that," Hinata said. "I-I'm sure Sa-chan and I will be able to deal with Jirōbō."

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* * *

It took us longer than I cared to admit before we came across the Sound Four. As a team, we dispersed around the four, planning on flanking them in a pincer attack. The "elite" guards of Orochimaru, however, noticed us straight away and threw explosive tags at each of us.

It forced us to tumble away from the tags and out into the open for a proper confrontation.

"There's too many," Sakon snarled out. "Detain them—we have to get Sasuke to Orochimaru."

Jirōbō slapped his hands on the ground, and surprisingly quickly summoned forth his infamous dome.

The dome rose up around us. Immediately a few of us pulled out our glow sticks and illuminated the darkness. I heard Neji and Hinata silently utter _Byakugan_ , followed by Hinata's sharp intake of breath.

"The entire structure is laced with chakra," Neji explained, examining it with narrowed eyes.

"How about below?" Naruto immediately asked.

Hinata hesitated a moment. "The ground is saturated with Jirōbō's chakra, as well."

"Sakura-san said this thing self-regenerates, right?" Tenten inquired, pulling out a kunai and slicing at a portion of the wall. The wall immediately began to heal the cut close. She let out a whistle at that. "Wow."

Naruto shot her a smug look. "Sakura-chan is never wrong."

Tenten was abashed. "I—so far you're correct. I'm sorry if I insulted you."

"It's fine," I reassured her quickly. "I'm hard to insult. Anyway, let's get out of here quickly. Hina-chan and I will take care of this fellow, and we'll catch up with the rest of you."

"Okay," Shikamaru agreed. "How do we get out of this thing?"

"It can't regenerate indefinitely. Naruto, repeated Rasengans should do the trick."

Naruto gave me a boyish grin and saluted. "On it!"

As soon as we burst through the dome, Hinata and I threw down some heavy smoke screen upon Jirōbō. "Go my future sex-slaves-minus-Naruto-because-he's-Hina-chan's-future-husband!"

"Future what?" I heard Naruto call out in the mist.

" _Nothing_!" Hinata practically screamed,

"I thought you said future husband? We're getting married?"

" _Go,_ you dumbass!" Kiba shouted at Naruto before I heard a resounding smack and Naruto curse.

"At least let me propose first, Sakura-chan! Don't spoil it!" Naruto called out, his voice starting to sound distant.

Hinata started wheezing.

When the smoke cleared, the two of us stood facing Jirōbō, who was glaring at us. "You think you two are enough to deal with me? I'll clean you up quickly before hunting down your friends."

"That's unlikely," I disagreed. "If you renounce Orochimaru-senpai, though, we'll let you live."

"Senpai?" Hinata asked me, still red-faced and wheezing.

"He's crazy. I admire that."

"How dare you!" Jirōbō blustered. "Orochimaru-sama is a _genius_ , not insane. Mere plebeians such as yourselves simply can't appreciate him."

I squawked at that. "I am a dedicated lover, I'll have you know. I can appreciate _everyone_ and _anyone_ fine and dandy!"

"Even Kabuto?" Hinata asked.

"Shh," I told her, surprised she remembered my outburst towards the bastard who defiled my future harem. " _It_ is a thing, not a person."

"Of course," Hinata placated me.

I relaxed. "Glad we have an understanding. Ah, here drink up, dear." I pulled out two vials of antidotes and passed one to Hinata. Hinata uncapped it and sucked it down in one gulp, wincing at the after taste. I followed suite, then the two of us turned to Jirōbō. "Okay, say hi to Death for us!"

Jirōbō sneered. "That's—"

I threw down one of three biggest poison smoke balls I had and the entire area flooded in thick, heavy, purple smoke. Hinata's Byakugan activated in that split second and she dashed towards Jirōbō. I sprinted with her, knowing Jirōbō would try to escape the massive explosion of poison gas, and that we needed him to stay in it for a bit longer.

I wasn't relying on the poison to really affect him—though that'd be great if it did—so much as obscure his visibility to the point that he couldn't see Hinata at all. Hinata would be able to see him perfectly fine, though, and all she needed was one jab to the heart to take him out.

Throwing down my second explosion, I knew I had covered enough of the area that it would take a solid minute before he could escape the gas. I lost Hinata in the process, unfortunately, but I had faith in her abilities. There was a sudden grunt up ahead and I moved towards it. Another grunt echoed across the clearing, followed by a loud masculine shout of pain.

The ground rumbled underneath my feet, and I steadied myself.

Then a giant dirt wall shot up in front of me and I immediately jumped onto it. It climbed high up out of the smoke, and I could see Jirōbō standing at the top of it, panting heavily. His left arm dangled uselessly, and sweat covered his face.

Jirōbō wheezed. "Wha—what kind of poi—poison?"

I gasped. "No way! You're actually bothered by it?!"

Hinata was beside me in that instant. She gave me a smile and held up her wrist, showing me how swollen it was. "He caught my second attack. I think I may have broken something."

"I'll take care of it," I promised her, walking up the wall towards Jirōbō who was starting to gasp for air. "Would you mind terribly if we watched for a bit before ending him? I've never gotten to see Krait's Kiss work on someone before."

"We have time," Hinata responded. "Right?"

"We do," I agreed. "I thought for sure it would take us at least half an hour to deal with him. I never suspected Orochimaru-senpai wouldn't have conditioned them to be resistant to Krait's Kiss. Then again, Shizune was the one who invented the poison, and she only did so a few years ago, so—"

Hinata approached Jirōbō, who was starting to convulse and bleed out of his eyes. She delivered a quick jab to the back of his neck. "I went ahead and paralyzed him. Just in case."

"Good call," I told her, holding out her hand. "Let me take care of that wrist for you."

She smiled cutely at me, gently placing her dainty wrist in the palm of my hand. A few minutes later I had the hairline fracture sealed up and the swelling was nonexistent.

Unfortunately by the time that was done Jirōbō went ahead and croaked.

"Ugh," I said, disgusted. "He didn't even last the full hour. What the fuck Orochimaru-senpai, why wouldn't you condition resistance in your minions?"

"He's not that much older than us," Hinata pointed out. "Perhaps O-Orochimaru hadn't had enough time to install the resistance."

"Or he got arrogant and thought his stupid Curse Mark would cure the poison?" I murmured. It felt like it had a ring of truth to it, but I couldn't be sure. "Oh well. Help me put his body the corpse-scroll. Maybe Tsunade-sama will let me dissect him! I bet Anko-sama would be happy to learn more about the Curse Mark."

Hinata smiles adorably. "Okay!"

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* * *

Hinata and I held hands while we hopped from tree branch to tree branch. I had complete faith in our teammates to overcome their battles, and Hinata had complete faith in my complete faith; so neither of us were concerned.

Hinata asked me, "Will we save Sasuke-san?"

"Not this time around, I think," I answered her honestly. "He always—I mean. With the Curse Mark, he alwa—I mean. He's going to go to Orochimaru-senpai."

' _Why do I keep wanting to say always?_ '

 **Kekkei genkai?**

' _It's not a damn kekkei genkai!_ '

"When will we be successful?" she asked next.

"After we save the broken-hearted crow who lives under the red clouds. That will take many steps."

"Such as?"

"I have to talk to the Boozy princess," the words spilled out. "I have to deal with the tired man in the shadows. We have to save the tsundere-yandere-mix and his insomniac buddy, the panda-prince. I need to use Therapy-no-Jutsu on my number one boy-toy immediately after that. We'll talk to Duck-Butt again, but he's _never_ ready to come home then, so it's mostly a hi-how-are-you-damn-it-you-promised-not-to-try-and-kill-us thing."

Hinata's big pretty eyes looked over at me. "What's it like knowing all of this?"

I didn't really have answer, because half the shit I said I didn't understand. I could guess what most of it was, and what I had to do, but how in the hell I knew what to do was beyond weird.

 **Ke—**

' _Finish that and I will start visualizing the most disgusting things I can._ '

 **Urk.**

But, frankly, _now_ was not the time to be wondering how in the hell I knew things I really shouldn't have known. Sure I was a dedicated fan girl who obsessively read every data book, Wikipedia entry, and all manner of fanfictions; but, that stuff didn't tell me where the Salamander Contract would be.

It didn't tell me how to transplant a heart.

And it most _definitely_ didn't tell me what I had to do in order to get Sasuke back (aside from faithfully following the canonical story, but I was in the middle of shooting that story to pieces).

Yet I somehow knew it.

Words spilled out of my mouth like a river, tumbling over my teeth and tongue like they had a mind of their own. I could scarcely believe the information came from myself—it almost seemed like someone else was talking. It was such a strange phenomenon.

At first I could have dismissed it—stroke of luck, or some such thing—but I really couldn't anymore.

Inner wanted to call it a new genetic ability—a kekkei genkai—however I couldn't agree with her. The very idea of declaring it as such, acknowledging it, made me feel sick to my stomach. I was honestly _scared_ of calling myself a newblood. I didn't scare easy, and my instincts for self-preservation were borderline nonexistent, but every inch of me was screaming against that matter.

I didn't understand why, or how, but I knew with every fiber of my being that if I said I had a kekkei genkai to see the future then something terrible would happen to me.

Not death—because who gave a hoot about that?—but something much, much worse.

What that would be, I didn't want to know. I could only think it would involve some sort of pain, because I was still fairly averse to pain, but I honestly wasn't sure.

What I had—whatever it was—wasn't genetic. It was something unique to myself, and not something I could pass on or teach. My beloved Goggle Gods were simply a badly put together cover, and—

 **What if they aren't a cover?**

' _I literally made them up on the spot thinking about Obito._ '

 **Okay. What if you didn't?**

' _What?_ '

 **I mean—look if it's not a kekkei genkai, then it's** _ **something**_. **This information wasn't obtainable in your fir—ni—first life. It could only be learned by someone from this world.**

' _Are you_ honestly _trying to suggest that someone is, what? Implanting information in my head somehow? That this person was—is—someone who has lived through this before? Like a time traveler?_ '

 **I don't know.**

' _That is the biggest bully pooey I have ever heard. That doesn't sound even close to the truth._ '

 **Yeah… I mean I don't know what else to think, though.**

' _Neither do I. If I didn't know any better I'd say_ I _had lived through all of this before._ '

Inner and I shared a quiet laugh at that.

 **And you, what? Died at the end and got sent straight back? Pfft.**

' _I know! Hahaha, oh man._

The sheer absurdity of that put a smile on my face.

 **Maybe that's why you're so scared of a kekkei genkai! First time around you said it was and—and maybe ROOT or Orochimaru wanted to experiment on you.**

' _That—_ '

A chill ran down my spine.

' _That sounds disturbing. Let's change the subject!_ '

Inner, likely sensing my unease, agreed with me. We turned towards putting together a list of who had the Best Booty in the Narutoverse, then we went on to put together a multiverse list of the Best Booty. It was a nice enough topic that by the time the sun started to set, I felt chirper.

Hinata and I traveled in the dark for about half an hour before we stumbled upon Neji and Tenten.

The two were sitting back to back, out of breath and surprisingly banged up. We landed into the clearing beside them and they both looked tiredly up.

I cocked my head. "Did you guys actually have trouble?"

"What is Hinata-sama's little brother's name?" Neji inquired.

"I do not—I only have a younger sister, Hanabi," Hinata answered.

Both of our companions relaxed, but I frowned at their question. "Did they try to trick you before?"

"It's happened before on a mission with Gai-sensei," Tenten explained. "Someone—someone tried to impersonate Lee."

That made me laugh. "Oh my goodness! Did they scream of youthful fires as well?"

"No. That's what gave them away," Neji answered, his lips twitching. "I take it your fight went well?"

"Ridiculously easy," I answered with a sigh. "He had no resistance to my poison. So unfair! I didn't get to use any of my signature moves with Hina-chan, like Harem-no-jutsu."

Hinata blushed. "I-I don't think that would have been a good plan, Sa-chan.'

I pouted. "It's a great plan, but the jerk butt died way too soon."

The princess shook her head in fond of amusement before she kneeled down towards her cousin and his teammate. "Let's tend to our comrades."

"As the princess commands," I answered her with a bow.

It took about an hour to heal up Neji and Tenten to the point where they could comfortably move, and we decided rest a few hours before we began our pursuit once more. I had to deactivate my weights so I could conserve my chakra, which kinda stunk, but I was still proud of myself for being able to go so far with the weights on.

Hinata hunted us some fat rabbits that I turned into a delicious stew (I always carried dried herbs and spices with me since starting up my own garden because Fuck Rations). We ate in a companionable silence that was broken only by quiet murmurs as Neji and Tenten retold their battle with Spider Boy.

Unfortunately for them Spider Boy went straight away into the second stage of his Curse Mark in hopes of preventing the entire group from escaping. It was thanks to Shikamaru's quick thinking, however, that let the majority of them slip away while Neji and Tenten kept his attention focused. From there on it was a blur of Tenten trying to carrel him into Neji's range, and Spider Boy deftly maneuvering through her traps and tricks. She managed to catch him with her wires, though, and it slowed him down enough for Neji to pounce.

That had taken over an hour, though, thus leaving both of them pretty exhausted. They had planned on resting for a few hours before moving back out, but thankfully Hinata and I had caught up to them.

"It would have been a lot more difficult if you hadn't given us such details about his abilities and personality," Tenten commented, sipping down the rest of her rabbit stew broth. "Mn. Thanks, Sakura-san."

"No need for honorifics for me, Tenten-chan," I answered cheerfully. "I'm happy to be of service, though."

"How exactly do the, ah, _Goggle Gods_ speak to you?" Neji asked me, his face twisting like he bit a sour lemon when he said Goggle Gods.

"They don't, um, speak like you and I are speaking." I gulped down the last of my soup. "I just know, and I know it's because of them. Like—like you look up at the sky and you'll know if it's going to rain, or stay sunny."

"I know that because I learned how to read cloud formations, though," Neji pointed out.

I scratched my head. "I don't know how else to explain it. Words pop into my head and sometimes right outta my mouth before I can even think about it."

"That sounds kinda freaky," Tenten said. "Does it ever scare you?"

"Only when people say I'm a newblood."

"Why? Wouldn't that be amazing?"

"It's not," Hinata and Neji cut in sharply.

Tenten's eyes widened. "Why wouldn't it be? Newbloods are crazy rare, and you can even start your own clan from it. I know a lot of civilian families that would be beside themselves with glee if they had any Newblood members."

"If the Newblood is a minor without a guardian, or is a registered shinobi of the Village then—then the Council owns them," Neji explained quietly. "On paper it seems nice, but Newbloods are extremely regulated. If Sakura were claim herself as a Newblood—and given this particular power—I'd be more than willing to bet money that she'd be kept under a tight lock and key at Konoha."

"The village would essentially imprison her," Hinata whispered softly. "Until she could produce an heir, at least, and pass on the bloodline. She has no political standing, and no political force, or tradition, to protect her from that."

"That—but surely Konoha wouldn't—"

"It would," Neji interrupted her again. "Konohagakure will always view the forest over the single tree. To have a power that gives perfect clarity of the future, to provide such detailed reports of the enemy… It would be too valuable to risk."

"As long as Sa-chan keeps denying her ability as a kekkei genkai, the village won't be able to easily hold her," Hinata finished. "Especially since they don't have confirmation that her ability could be passed on to the next generation."

Tenten let out a quiet _oh_ , while I wondered if perhaps I knew about all that information already and simply didn't connect it, and maybe _that_ was why I was so scared.

Maybe?

Ugh, this was getting too confusing.

Our group didn't have much else to say after that. We put out our campfire and headed out once more shortly afterwards. We traveled in thoughtful silence—with Hinata and Neji leading us through the dark—as we tried to catch up with the main group once more.

Nearing dawn we met up Kiba and Shino who required light healing (and by that point I had to take a chakra-replenishing pill since my stores were starting to pretty low) before moving on. We took a break at noon, eating a light lunch and recouping our energy before moving out again. Kiba was all too happy to spend the time regaling us with the "epic" battle he and Shino fought in.

By early afternoon we found Shikamaru and Chōji who were only just then putting Tayuya in a body scroll. Unsurprisingly they were only a bit winded and low on chakra, so we were able to easily move on.

It only took about two more hours before we caught up with an extremely battered Lee and the stunningly handsome Kimimaro.

Our group immediately leapt into the clearing to stand beside Lee. I moved to begin healing the bruises and scratches he had already gained from his one on one fight with Kimimaro, while Hinata and Neji stood in front of him.

Kimimaro's eyes narrowed. "More against Orochimaru-sama?"

"Oh, honey," I sighed. "You're too pretty to be a minion. He's crazy sick, my friends, so let's try to knock him out instead of killing him, okay? I wanna take him alive."

"Why?" Shino inquired.

"Hello? I have a harem to build."

"Oh my goodness, Sa-chan," Hinata giggled. "There are more important things than your harem!"

"Don't be silly. Nothing is more important."

"Taking a lackey of Orochimaru _alive_ would provide invaluable information for Konoha," Shikamaru pointed out. "He might know where Orochimaru is hiding."

"Oh, that, too," I agreed.

"Who cares! This guy is between us and Naruto and Sasuke. Let's kick his ass and move on," Kiba growled.

Kimimaro's eyes narrowed. "I will not allow any more of you to pass. The Uchiha belongs to Orochimaru."

"The Uchiha belongs to Konoha!"

"Duck-Butt belongs to Duck-Butt," I added. "Darling, won't you surrender? I promise I take care of all of my harem members."

"I will fulfill Orochimaru-sama's wish. No matter the cost."

"Pooey." I sighed and went back to healing Lee. I had all of his bones fixed up, and the boy was nearly vibrating with excited energy at being able to fight alongside so many of his comrades. I, on the other hand, would likely be depleted of my meager chakra reserves after finishing him up. I reluctantly decided to sit the battle out and try to recover what little chakra I could in case Naruto get more banged up than anticipated.

I patted Lee on his back. "There you go, sweetie. Have fun."

Lee leapt up and gave me a thumbs-up. "Thank you, my cherry blossom! I will endeavor to take this man alive for you!"

"Thanks," I said, blowing a kiss at him. "You're a cutie."

The poor boy turned ten shades of red and stammered something that was inaudible. It was hilariously adorable.

"I'm going to sit this one out and, um, I guess get started on dinner," I said, half to myself. "I'm about outta chakra."

"I could go for some venison," Chōji sighed.

"I'll see what I can find. Ta."

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 _o_o I already rewrote the first two chapters of Sasori. Talk about jumping the gun._

 _Nearly 80 pages in my original story. Shooting for at least 300. When I finish my first draft I'll publish the first chapters so anyone who's interested can see what I going for it._

 _Raise your right hand if you want Kimimaro to live and be apart of the harem. Five hand-raises and I'll make it happen. Somehow._

 _ **Answer:**_ _Strictly for the Narutoverse: Obito, Kakashi, Hinata, Sakura, and of course Madara._

 _ **Question:**_ _Top three universes you want to be a part of, go!_

 _Reviews are_ _ **love**_ _!_

 _ **Side note:**_ _I decided to do an Omake of RTN because a lot of you made some pretty fantastic suggestions for it that I cannot resist doing hahahahahaha! Oh boy. Probably going to do alternatives to do it, one that follows the canonical movie, and one where Canon!Team 7 comes into this world. Huehuehue._


	15. In Which Kakashi Knows

**Important Authors Note at the bottom of this chapter. Please, _please_ read. **

" _They say don't try this at home, so I'm doing it at your place."_

 _-Anonymous_

 _ **Disclaimer:**_ _I do not own Naruto_

 _ **Warning:**_ _Transition chapter._

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With care I sprinkled in a bit of my dried cilantro into the pot. The broth let out a happy bubble-burp at that, and I took my scoop and stirred it around. The dinner was coming along nicely. It was filled with venison, wild mushrooms, dried herbs, and a touch of honey. The broth was a pretty light gold and the meat was at that perfect medium-rare.

Behind me I heard the resounding smack of earth being cracked open along with Hinata's shout of surprise.

The fight against Kimimaro was going rather well. Naruto was able to run on without us to pursue Sasuke while the rest of us—minus me, and now Chōji who was being a sweetie and helping me grill the fish we caught—dealt with the poor boy. Kimimaro wasn't making it easy by any means, but the sheer number he faced (along with top-notch strategy and teamwork) spelled disaster for the kiddo.

Chōji flipped over the fish skewers over the crackling fire. "I think it's about ready."

"Okay, thank you, honey," I told him. Raising my voice I called, "Dinner's ready!"

There were some sounds of relief and Kimimaro's frustrated shout, but it seemed it was too late for him. Shikamaru had him bound by his shadows and Hinata and Neji worked flawlessly together to render him unconscious and disable his Curse Mark chakra. With a merry skip I wandered over to my future harem member and thanked Hinata for being so gentle with him.

Hinata smiled at me. "Of course. I'm sure Hokage-sama will be happy we were able to take at least one of them alive for questioning."

"Mm-hmm. Why don't you all get some food while I tend to him? He has a debilitating illness that requires near-constant treatment."

The group said their thanks and went over to Chōji while I slapped on a heart-pumping seal over Kimimaro's chest (courtesy of one Jiraiya after I promised to take him out on the town next time he came to visit). The seal would last 12 hours and keep his heart pumping, which should be plenty of time to get him to Tsunade.

I went ahead and tied him up and carried him over to our merry group. Kiba and Chōji were happily slurping away at the soup while tearing off bits from the fish. Hinata, Neji, and Tenten ate at more lazy pace. I sipped on my own soup and struck up a delightful conversation about the joys of what having a future harem will be like.

"I'll never be lonely," I listed on, "and every day will be a new adventure."

"Yeah, I mean, what's the point of monogamy anyway?" Tenten muttered.

"Monogamy is fine for some," I told her, "but I love too many people to be happy with only dedicating myself to one. And I want everyone I love to be happy and share their love, too. I think everyone would be happy if we all were one big harem."

"You've never felt jealous before have you?" Tenten asked me.

"I have," I told her. "But not when it comes to love. Love is love."

"That's certainly a progressive viewpoint," Shikamaru commented.

Lee slurped down the rest of his soup. "What a delicious meal! You'll make someone a happy wife one day."

"Aw, thank you. I do enjoy cooking," I hummed. "All of my good childhood memories come from a kitchen."

' _Or padded room on fire. Ahh, Daddy. You could set a pot of water on fire and make it taste like it came from a unicorn._ '

Our group chatted for another half an hour, easily finishing the food, and then we headed out in search of Naruto. In comparison to the canonical storyline, we were a few hours ahead than normal, so I honestly wasn't sure what to expect. While we as a group moved faster, Naruto probably still got an equal amount of time with Sasuke. The real question would be if we arrived there before or after the princess left.

Three hours of sprinting and we broke through into the Valley of the End. I immediately sensed Naruto, but I couldn't find Sasuke's familiar static. Feeling surprisingly unsurprised, I headed down to my ball of sunshine.

I scratched my cheek, leaning over my unconscious friend and poking his cheek. When he didn't stir at my probing, I squatted down and placed a glowing green hand over his forehead. I could feel Hinata stirring beside me with obvious worry. "I-Is Naruto-kun okay?"

"He's dinged up, but he'll be fine," I reassured her.

Kiba approached us, a frown on his face. "I can't make out Sasuke's scent. All I smell is Naruto."

"That's odd," I murmured, looking around. "I suppose it's possible someone else came to get him and masked his scent—or—hmm."

' _Zetsu? He watched the battle. He definitely doesn't want a lot of Uchiha around since they could pose a threat to his precious Kaguya's return. He might be actively helping Sasuke get to Orochimaru in hopes the Sannin will kill him._ '

 **It's possible, but seems like a stretch.**

' _I don't think we'll find the answer any time soon; not enough information to draw a conclusion. What I do know is that I delayed Sasuke's return_ enough _that he should be safe with Orochimaru for at least three years._ '

 **Sort of a mission success.**

' _Sort of indeed. We won't be able to catch him at this rate, not if Kiba can't find his scent—which is really weird._ '

"Okay," I said out loud, drawing the team's attention towards me. "We're going home."

" _What!?_ " Kiba demanded. "We can't—"

"We've lost our lead, we're all tired, and I'm nearing chakra exhaustion," I explained. "Frankly I won't even be able to tree-hop all the way home. We're in no shape to go across countries which is what we'll have to do to pursue Duck-Butt. Naruto needs medical attention, too, the kind that I can't provide with my chakra level. _And_ we have a live hostage."

Shikamaru sighed. "She's right. It'd be too risky to try and continue. Let's regroup and take care of our allies."

I nodded. "Thank you for your support. In case I happen to pass out on the way home: Shikamaru's in charge in my absence."

Kiba still looked ready to protest, but Hinata placed a calming hand on his shoulder. Hinata nodded towards me. "Sa-chan is right. W-We have to think about this carefully."

"Then let's head out, dearies. I'm 100% ready for a shower and some sweet, sweet, Kakashi-sensei Booty."

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The return back to Konoha went by quickly.

Probably because I passed out about a quarter away from the village and Hinata ended up carrying me the rest of the way. Chakra exhaustion was _annoying_. In all of my lives I had never felt so exhausted; the drain of having practically no chakra was debilitating and incredibly unpleasant to feel.

When I woke up I was at the hospital, and I went ahead and discharged myself so I could give my verbal report to Tsunade. Shikamaru had already given the brief report, but since I was the original leader of the mission I was obligated to give my own verbal report.

Once I was done Tsunade made a _hm_ sound and commented, "Jiraiya will be coming back to Konoha in a couple weeks."

I reflected my previous conversation with her. "Ah, good. There's a lovely BBQ over on Shata Street."

Tsunade nodded. "I heard about it."

"Would you do me the honor of joining me for lunch there? I think Jiraiya would enjoy it, too."

"Yes. That sounds like a good idea."

We smiled pleasantly at one another and I said my goodbyes.

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* * *

 **How Kakashi Found Out About the Partnership:**

Kakashi was tired. He was covered in dried blood, bits of gore, and exhaustion weighed heavily upon him. The mission he had been on for the past week and a half had turned sideways by sheer dumb luck. All he wanted to do was go home, shower, and take a much needed nap before reporting to the Hokage.

Unfortunately his sour luck persisted because he smelled two familiar people in his apartment the moment he reached the door.

Sakura and Naruto.

Under better circumstances Kakashi would have hogtied them and tossed them into the Forest of Death with orders along the lines of _wanna break into someone's home? Spend the week here_.

As it was, though, Kakashi was honestly too tired. A part of him was strongly irritated by the intrusion, but the other part of him was beyond caring. He knew Sakura visited his apartment nearly every day to leave endearing notes, so he wasn't surprised she went ahead and let herself in. There had even been an occasion where Kakashi returned home to find a hot meal waiting for him with a note saying: _Eat well, love_.

It was the best meal he had ever eaten, but he told Sakura he fed it to Pakkun. Her devastated look was pretty funny.

Kakashi hesitated at his front door, wondering what sort of surprise they had in store for him. He _really_ only wanted to take a shower and nap, but something told him that wouldn't be happening any time soon. He debated on going to a hotel and renting a room, but then recalled that Sakura was a sensor and she probably already sensed him. If he left suddenly, she was bound to follow.

' _Then it'd be best to get it over with._ '

So, with great trepidation, Kakashi entered his apartment.

Rose petals were scattered everywhere. There were rose scented candles lit up and placed on nearly every surface he could see. There was a large concentration of rose petals on the floor, leading to his bedroom.

Naruto was also dressed in all black and holding a video camera. Kakashi could see the little red dot that meant it was recording.

' _Those things are expensive. Where'd he get it?_ ' Kakashi immediately wondered.

"Where'd you get the camera, Naruto?"

"Requisitioned. Pretend I'm not here."

The temptation to leave and rent a hotel room was getting stronger, but Kakashi knew if he did that then Sakura would retaliate in some manner.

Reluctantly, Kakashi started to make his way to his bedroom. Naruto moved a pace a head of him, camera directly on his face.

' _So they want a reaction? I'm pretty well adapted to insanity that is Sakura by this point, though. What could she possibly do to make me react in such a funny way that they have to record it?_ '

Kakashi entered his bedroom, unsurprised to find Sakura lounging on his bed in a nightdress meant for women much older than herself. She had a rose in her mouth and upon seeing him she started to wiggled her eyebrows up and down.

Kakashi resisted the urge to snort at the display. "Hello, Sakura."

"Dearest," Sakura returned, plucking the rose out of her mouth and holding it out to him. "I have the _best_ news."

"Oh, really?"

"Oh, yes. You see, everyone on team 7 was promoted to Chuunin," Sakura said, a wicked smile on her face and a devious gleam in her eyes.

Kakashi wasn't surprised in the least about that. He recommended each of them for the promotion, and they all did exceptionally well in the exams. "Is that it?"

"Oh, no. You see, since everyone on team 7 is now a Chuunin, the team is officially dissolved."

Kakashi knew that would be the case, too. They would still go on missions together, but he was officially done being a Genin instructor. Record time, too.

"So Tsunade-sama, in her infinite wisdom, decided to assign me to a Jōnin… for life."

Okay. Made sense. Sakura was a budding iryo-nin, so it would make sense Tsunade wanted her to stick with a Jōnin. All of that was good news, so he could understand why his team wanted to celebrate, but he didn't see why the camera—

Oh.

 _No._

Kakashi felt a cold sweat on the back of his neck. He didn't want to ask her, because he was terrified of the answer.

"Who's the lucky Jōnin?"

Sakura's smile split across her face. "You, of course."

That was the last thing Kakashi remembered before his mind blanked out and he stood catatonically in his bedroom for five hours straight. Sakura and Naruto, he later learned, taped him for another half hour while giggling before they took their leave.

His thousand-yard stare was apparently "priceless."

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 _Short chapter because the next one will be another movie. Either Stones of whatever or moony island. Plus I've been doing a lot of big chapters these last updates and sometimes it's nice to have a little breathing room._

 _Hahaha. I like your guys' guesses about the Goggle Gods, but so far no one's guessed the whole truth! Boy you guys are in for a good ol fashion plot twist._

 _ **Answer:**_ _Pokemon, Harry Potter if I get to go to Hogwarts same year group as Harry, Overlord if I get to be a Supreme One._

 _ **Question:**_ _Dream house from a movie / show / anime / book that you would want to live in for all of eternity._

 _Reviews are_ _ **love**_ _!_

 **Important Note:** As some of you may or may not know I have been working on publishing my own original story (titled Dawn of the Rose). I've gotten to 150 pages so far, with a little more than half the plot left to write. I hope to have the original first draft done before winter this year.

I've published the prologue and the first chapter of the story on Wattpad. Link here: www **dot** wattpad **dot** com / story / 140846002-dawn-of-the-rose

I would _really_ appreciate any and all comments / reviews / feedback / interest on it. The whole reason I started fanfiction is hopefully become a published author, and I've finally reached the first big milestone, so any support given would be truly, truly appreciated.

Thank you for your time.


	16. Something About A Rock

"Son: Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: …

Dad: …

Mom: Don't you fucking do it.

Dad: …

Mom: _Don't. You. Fucking. Do. It._

Dad: Hi Gay, I'm Dad."

-Anonymous

 _ **Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto._

 _ **Warning:** Language / Innuendos. This OC is a perv with no shame._

 _Side note in case anyone wants to know: at 192 pages in my original story rough draft. :')_

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Dear Haku,

Please see the attached fanart I drew of Zabuza and Mei. As a fellow shipper I feel it is my obligation to share with you such treasured things. I have already hung up your own fanart of the two on my fridge, and I must say I'm very proud of you, my dear!

On a side note, I'm glad that you two are being welcomed back to Kirigakure. I really hope you enjoy your new life there. Please be sure to send me some Kiri exclusive food! I'll send you more Opera cake once you give me a permanent address to send these letters to.

I'll keep this brief since I know you and Zabuza are busy with the move. Keep up that smile, honey.

With love,

Sakura

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Dear Gaara,

Will you pretty please take me sand surfing when I come to Suna? Pretty please with a cherry on top. And whip cream. And chocolate.

Also! I drew a picture of the two of us. Since we're now besties, we obviously need pictures of one another. This one is for you to keep, and I'll keep another one at my place.

No, I haven't had Suna-Buns before, but I'm always happy to try new things. Send some my way, okay?

How's the weather today? Did it rain again? Do you like to go spelunking? Let's have dinner next time we meet.

Lots of love,

Sakura

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Dear Duck-Butt,

You won't be getting these letters for like three years, I know. But I thought you might enjoy staying in the loop, so I'll write to you when I can and store it in a scroll to give to you next time we meet.

Naruto's sad you're gone. He misses you. I may be his best friend, but you're still like a brother to him. Kakashi bemoans the fact that the only sane person on the team is gone. I miss ya too, I guess.

I cleaned up your home, and I saw the papers you left for me. Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

Naruto and I recorded Kakashi's reaction when I told him we would be partnered forever and ever. I drew a picture on the back of his face. You were right, he did go into the Thousand Yard Stare! It was pretty funny.

Hope you're having fun,

Sakura

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Life without Sasuke wasn't terrible. The biggest downer (aside from obviously losing a friend for a few years) was that Naruto was pretty sad he wasn't able to convince Sasuke to go back.

Ah, that was actually worth mentioning.

Sasuke _didn't_ try to kill Naruto. In fact, Sasuke didn't use the Chidori at all against Naruto. Sure they hammered away at one another, but all of Naruto's injuries were put-down-focus rather than kill-focus. Sasuke knew it would take quite the beat down to make Naruto fall unconscious, so he didn't hold back much, but he refused to honestly try to kill Naruto.

Naruto said that Sasuke was more upset that Naruto wasn't more understanding like me, actually! He said that going to Orochimaru was something he had to right now, but it didn't mean he was outright abandoning Naruto and me—which was what Naruto accused him of doing—and that in time we would all be reunited. After he killed his brother, of course.

Then Naruto got all huffy and pissy, and the two fought with Sasuke coming out as the victor.

Gotta admit I felt a little proud of how well that turned out. The fact that Sasuke didn't try to kill his best friend felt pretty damn swell. The fact that _I_ somehow was the reason for it? Even better.

Who knows? Maybe we'd get a happy ending.

Returning to the point.

Naruto was bummed about Sasuke, but he didn't let it keep him down. He trusted me when I said we would get a chance to bring him back home.

Kakashi took the news surprisingly well (then again we told him after the whole partnership ordeal, so he was probably still in shock).

And life went on.

It was actually about a week after the whole ordeal before I got sent out on my very first mission with Kakashi as my partner. It was a minor thing—nothing major or all too difficult—but Tsunade wanted us to start small before giving us the big stuff. Likely because she was under the impression that we both needed practice working side by side, and Kakashi had to get used to not having anyone else around to provide a buffer between us.

Silly man.

So we were sent out on a mission to retrieve a pet.

Not just any pet, though, because Team 7 had a lovely curse called Everything-C-And-Above-Turns-Into-An-S. It was great fun, of course.

This particular mission happened to be the mission for _Legend of the Stone of Gelel_ or the second Naruto movie.

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After only a day of tracking we found the missing pet. A ferret with the softest fur and the cutest wittle nose. It had been running about in a small forest near the outskirts of the Land of Fire. Kakashi was able to hunt it down with ease and he explained his process of tracking to me while he did so.

With Jōnin ease he grabbed the little creature as it darted out from underneath the trees, easily picking it up by the scruff and holding it away from his face so it wouldn't scratch him. I hopped down from my perch in the tree tops and applauded him. "Man, why didn't you ever help us with Tora? Would have taken half the time."

Kakashi tossed the ferret to me. "Jōnin typically don't have to deal with pets."

I got the little critter, easily handling him and placing him in the carrier. I took another look at him, though, since he seemed oddly familiar—

' _Oh!_ '

A wide grin stretched over my face and I looked up at Kakashi. "Kakashi!"

"Mn?" Kakashi looked back over me, his only visible eye narrowing when he saw how excited I looked. "Did you have an epiphany for your strip-poison?"

"Well, no," I admitted, a little sad about that. "But the Goggle Gods have blessed this mission."

A look of disdain flickered over his face. "Oh. Great. What is now? Another evil tyrant about to take over the whole country?"

"Yeah!"

" _Seriously_?"

"Yeah! Let's go save the world, Kakashi. Looks like I'll get to add someone else to my harem, too."

"Fantastic," Kakashi muttered dryly.

"Don't worry, my love," I soothed. "You will always be the first."

"I'd rather I wasn't part of it at all," Kakashi said mournfully. "Are we going to need back up?"

"Nah," I dismissed. "We've got this easy-peezy."

Kakashi sighed. "Okay. Let's get this over."

I bit my thumb and summoned Gedo and Doku. Both salamanders crawled onto my shoulder. Gedo nuzzled into me, giving me a brief kiss on the cheek with her adorable little tongue.

~How might we assist, Sakura-hime?~

I scratched both of their heads. "I'd like a strong dose of Drunken Bliss and its antidote. A fellow we'll be meeting soon is a long lost boy about to reunited with his people, but he'll want to fight an ugly piece of poo first. We can't let him do that, so I want to make sure he's nice and inebriated when we drop him off with his people. Enough that he won't be able to go anywhere on his own, but aware enough he'll be able to talk with his people. I'll give the antidote to the Wise Old Man."

-Fine.- Deku's tail slashed in the air. –We expect a cake in return.-

"Whatever you want, baby."

Both salamanders tucked themselves away into my hoodie pocket and I slung the carrier (that had the ferret inside) over my shoulders. Kakashi and I moved towards the village we were supposed to drop off the ferret and I gave him a brief rundown of the situation.

"So evil guy—henceforth codename Evil Piece of Poo—wants to rule the world," I began, "and he and his follows run on this energy that's _not_ chakra."

"What?"

"Yeah, no, it's great. Medical mystery for us iryo-nin and I'm super pumped to learn more about it. A-ny-whore, so we'll be fighting blond cutie patootie soon who is actually a sweetheart. He'll be easy to persuade on our side and I want him as a member of my harem."

"Okay. Don't so _don't_ kill the blond?"

"Don't kill the blond," I agreed. "Kill everyone else, though. After we clean them up we'll head to the temple and restore life to the surrounding lands."

Kakashi took the information in stride. "So kill bad guy, and then head to some kind of temple and restore life?"

"You got it. We'll need the blond fella to do it, though. Therapy-no-Jutsu time!"

"Ri-ight."

"The first kinds of enemies we face will be puppets. Gotta shatter them completely to keep 'em down. They're essentially walking suits of armor."

Kakashi inclined his head at that. "Is there a puppet master nearby, then?"

"Not really. They're being controlled by a bunch of orphans trapped in the fortress. Sort of. It's complicated, but you'll see what I mean."

"O-kay," Kakashi said slowly, drawing out the word.

I beamed. "This is gonna be a lotta fun!"

"Sounds like it."

The trip to the nearby village was nice. It was one of those beautiful days where the sun was shining, the wind blew often enough to keep the warm day from getting too hot, and the pollen count was fantastically low. Hopping from tree to tree, then sprinting down the dirt road only gave me more time to appreciate the scenery.

In my previous life I wasn't allowed outside a whole bunch, and the mental institution was in a city, so I had never been to the country, or any place with more than one tree. The Narutoverse really was utterly gorgeous, and brimmed with life. Sure it might have been "brutal" or "murder-happy", but damn was it pretty to look at.

It also helped that I got to sneak peaks at one of the hottest shinobi the world had to offer.

Kakashi adamantly pretended not to see me ogling him. He made sure to keep pace with me so I wouldn't be behind him, unfortunately.

"One of these days you're gonna piss off the wrong person with your blatant staring," Kakashi commented.

"I have faith in my wooing abilities to persuade them to let me off the hook," I said confidently.

"If by _wooing_ you mean stalking until you grow on them like a fungus, then yes. You're _wooing_ abilities are remarkable," Kakashi said dryly.

"You're sassy today, ain't ya," I giggled.

Kakashi gave me a deadpan look.

Winking, I blew him a kiss. "I adore you."

"I tolerate you."

" _Progress!_ "

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Predictably we came across Haido's group of soldiers as we neared the village. They shambled out of the bushes; big bulking black suits of armor. Kakashi dove towards them with impeccable speed and precision. He didn't bother wasting his chakra with ninjutsu, as he was fully capable of destroying them in completely one-sided bouts of taijutsu.

I stayed largely out of his way, dancing around the suits and throwing out explosive tags. I aimed for the spaces between the helmets, and took out several of them with some nicely aimed attacks.

Nerugi squeaked and squirmed in his pack, clearly afraid of the attack.

Spinning around to avoid one of the armors, I leapt backwards and threw down another explosive tag.

' _Ah. Explosions are truly beautiful. I wonder if there's a explosive tag that explodes in color?_ '

 **Oo! Rainbow explosions!**

' _We could really make an art show!_ '

I made a mental note to ask Naruto—once he inevitably became a fūinjutsu master—to create multi colored explosive tags.

It couldn't have been more than five minutes before Kakashi and I thoroughly destroyed all the empty soldiers, and then along came the cutie-patootie, Temujin.

He approached silently, with a regal air about him. He was dressed as a knight, and wore a helmet to cover his adorable face.

I squealed. "My future honey!"

Kakashi leapt down to stand beside me, giving Temujin an assessing look. "This him, then?"

"That's him. Please be gentle."

"Mn." Kakashi dashed towards Temujin, and the cutie did a good job dodging at first. Then Kakashi, with his Jōnin speed, abruptly turned back around and dug his knee _hard_ into Temujin's back. It completely dented Temujin's armor and sent the poor boy careening away. Kakashi flickered towards him before he could even touch the ground, and kicked him so hard into the ground it left a little crater.

He did all of that with his hands in his pockets.

"Sweetie, huh," was all Kakashi muttered, kneeling down towards the unconscious boy.

"You're so brutal," I sighed dreamily, skipping over towards them. "That's why you're the topper."

"Please stop."

"You can't ask me to stop flirting with you when you read porn in public in front of children." I smiled sweetly. "Speaking of which, when I went down to the bookstore to buy my complete set of _Icha Icha_ , they were mysteriously out."

Kakashi innocently looked away. "Really? What a shame."

"Mm-hmm. Sold out barely an hour before I went in. Quite the coincidence, I'd say."

"Or it's a sign from the Goggle Gods for you to _not_ read it."

"Don't be absurd. The Goggle Gods adore my perverseness. They relish in making people uncomfortable. Why, one of our High Priests, Deadpool, would be thoroughly ashamed of me if I didn't make _someone_ uncomfortable on a daily basis. It's how I show my devotion."

"Of course it is."

I tied Temujin up with ease, squatting down beside him and healing up his scrapes and bruises. I popped off his helmet, and wiped away the blood that he had coughed up when Kakashi completely kicked his ass. He had a sweet angelic face. Nowhere near as adorable as Hinata, but definitely in the same ballpark.

Kakashi squatted down on the opposite side of me, assessing the teenager.

I cracked my knuckles and placed a glowing green hand over his forehead. Temujin snapped awake, his body stiffening and his eyes wide with disbelief. He tried to speak over his gag, but it was hard to make out what he said. "Shh. Time to listen, sweetie."

He glared at me with bright red eyes.

"You're name is Temujin," I began, "and you've been tricked. That man that you serve—Haido—has been lying and manipulating you for years."

The look of outrage on his face was entertaining.

"I want you think back," I continued, "think back to when your village was destroyed. I want you to remember the face of the man who killed everyone."

Temujin only continued to glare at me.

I looked up at Kakashi with a shrug. "He saw him killing his parents, but it looks like he repressed the memory."

"If only Sasuke had that level of deniability," Kakashi remarked. "I might not even be on this mission."

I snorted. "Nah. She'd stick you with me regardless."

Kakashi sighed. "Probably."

"What did you do to make her so pissed?"

"Maa. Who can say?" Kakashi scratched the back of his head. "We can try EMDR. Know his trigger words?"

"Kakashi, I didn't know you knew about EMDR."

"You mean there's something you _don't_ know about me?"

"Well we can always fix that," I purred, winking at him. "How about a date when we get—"

I didn't even see the kunai coming but the blunt end of it slammed against my forehead and I rocked backwards. With a whine, I clutched at my poor forehead and gave Kakashi a mock wounded look. He was entirely unabashed. "Do you know this kid's triggers?"

"Um—maybe? I can guess."

"Alright. We'll give it a shot."

Kakashi took off Temujin's gloves and placed his hands carefully on top. Temujin eyed both of us warily, his red eyes flashing.

"Hmm," I hummed, peering at him. "Let's try… Father?"

Electricity danced off of Kakashi's hands, gently shocking Temujin. Not enough to harm, but plenty to jolt him.

The prince glared at us hatefully.

"Okay. Mother? No? Village? Huh. Oh my goodness… don't tell me… _Stone of Gelel?_ "

Of course it was the movie title that triggered Temujin's memories, because irony was a beautiful mistress that would not be denied.

Temujin's eyes glazed over as he reflected on his memories. Then a look of horror washed over his face and all the color drained away from him. Tears pricked at his eyes and he rapidly shook his head as if to deny his memories.

I cut loose his gag, and Kakashi pulled out his porno, perfectly happy to read while I tried Therapy-no-Jutsu.

I wrapped an arm around his shoulder, gently patting his back. "It's okay, my dear."

"He— _he_ —"

The poor boy bowed his head in grief and betrayal, and Kakashi and I politely pretended to ignore his tears. I continued to rub his back, though, since I enjoyed it when Kakashi did that to me while I was grieving. After a couple of minutes passed by Temujin looked up abruptly, his brow furrowed. "How did you know—? I didn't even—"

"Sakura is a special case," Kakashi absently answered for me.

"It's okay now, though," I soothed Temujin. "You don't have to go back to that evil man. Kakashi and I will take care of him."

"No—he's too strong and I— _I need to confront him_ —"

"Then we'll bring him to you all tied up with a little bow," I cooed. "Right now, though, I think you should meet with your people. You're the last of the royal life, after all."

" _Of course he's a long lost prince_ ," Kakashi muttered under his breath. He looked up at the sky in despair. "There's no such thing as a _normal_ mission with her, is there?

"My—people—?"

"That's right, darling. They're good folk. You'll be safe with them," I said.

Temujin's head snapped in, his eyes widening in sudden realization. "Wait! My friends—that man has other orphans. I must rescue them."

"Leave that to me and Perfect-Butt-sensei," I soothed him. "Right now we need to take you to your real people, and you ought to learn about who you really are."

"I cannot allow that—"

"Either you comply or I knock ya out and strip you," I threatened sweetly.

"She will, too," Kakashi added blithely.

"Mm-hmm. I don't want to stress our relationship like that so early on, though, so why not comply? I give you my word that we'll save everyone. I swear on Madara's Sexiness."

Temujin was clearly conflicted. "I—I cannot allow that. I must face him. I—"

I gave him a good ol' throat chop and knocked him out. "Yeah, no. The whole point of being blessed with the future is to _avoid_ unnecessary drama and death. And _you_ sneaking off to fight the big bad guy on your own practically screams Deus Ex Machina for added suspense."

Kakashi let out a snort, bending over and tightening Temujin's ropes. "Let's drop him and the rodent off at the caravan."

"Yeah, good call. Then we'll go save the world."

"Fun." Kakashi looked up at the sky with unhidden exasperation.

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* * *

It didn't take us long to find the caravan, and it only took us a couple of minutes to have the Wise Old Man—aka Kahiko—in front of us.

I happily handed over Nerugui, and the man's face lit up. "Nerugui! Oh, thank you for returning him. Why didn't you give him over to the nearby village, though? "

"It was ransacked and destroyed."

"W-What?!"

I bowed towards Kahiko, and Kakashi unceremoniously dropped the unconscious Temujin onto the ground. "I'm so sorry to cut this short, but an Evil Piece of Poo is currently on the hunt for the Stone of Gelel while using the Book of Gelel. He's the one that destroyed the nearby villages."

Kahiko's eyes widened at the fact I blurted out such a zealously guarded secret of his clan. "Wh-What?!"

"Yeah, so we're gonna go stop him before he can do that," I explained to him quickly, straightening back up, " _but,_ " I pointed towards Temujin, "that guy's important. He's of royal blood for you guys, if you know what I mean. Well, you'll figure it out when he wakes up, Nerugui will be able to confirm it."

"W-What?"

"So would you mind taking care of him for a bit? He's completely clueless about the clan history and whatnot," I went on. "He also wanted to go after the Evil Piece of Poo, and we can't have that so I gave him a little bit of poison so he'll stay put. Here's the antidote. Don't give it to him until we're back, please, unless some kind of emergency pops up."

"Wait!"

I tilted my head at Kahiko's flustered outburst. "Yes?"

"How can you—how do you know all this? Are you really who you say you are?"

"I've been blessed by the Goggle Gods," I told him. "They sometimes let me see the future. Don't worry about it. Temujin will probably be able to explain more when he wakes up. Now if you don't mind, we really gotta go kill an Evil Piece of Poo."

Then I turned on my heel and took off, not giving the Wise Old Man a chance to refuse. They'd take Temujin in and once the cutie woke up Nerugui would be all over him. That alone should satisfy the Kahiko's beliefs _enough_ to tell Temujin their history. Then once I returned when the Book of Gelel that should confirm everything else.

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* * *

Kakashi and I moved quickly, Pakkun in front of us as the adorable doggy backtracked Temujin's scent all the way to the fortress. As we moved, I explained what I could about the enemies.

"Evil Piece of Poo is technically called Haido," I told him, "and he's pretty much like Lord Ugly from the Land of Snow. All those armored things are basically puppets. Once we free all the orphans they'll collapse. He's got three knights that I'd place around Chūnin level. There's bat lady, who can turn into a bat hybrid and is decent at genjutsu; wolf lady, who turns into a werewolf; and monster lady, who discharges lightning out the ass. Uh, figuratively and literally. Bat lady is agile, but pretty weak. She can fly, though. Wolf lady is… bloodthirsty. And monster lady is easily countered with lightning rods, because for some reason they also hurt her."

Kakashi took everything in, nodding briefly. "Mn. Okay. You and Pakkun focus on freeing the orphans. I'll summon the rest of the Pack to accompany you. You deal with whoever gets your way, and I'll assassinate Haido. We'll clean up the rest afterwards."

Raising my hand, I gave him a salute. "Yessir."

Kakashi scratched his cheek. "Once that's taken care of I'll send out a runner to Konoha and let them know about the fortress and the strange energy that's not chakra."

"Think of all the experiments we'll get to do!" I exclaimed happily. "If Konoha can replicate the energy source—I can only think of that being a good thing. Clean energy is always good. Energy that can also power some crazy powerful fortress? Even better!"

"Mm-hmm."

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* * *

Three hours later the walking fortress was in sight, and the two of us split up—okay well I had the pack with me, so it wasn't _exclusively_ the two of us. I lead the pack around the back, and we climbed up the wall and snuck into one of the windows.

' _Time for some sneaky stealth like Batman,_ ' I thought, flipping up onto the ceiling. The pack followed me up, but Pakkun allowed me to carry him.

No one could resist holding such an adorable puppy!

Bisque took the lead, already catching the scent of a bunch of kids. We ran down the hallways, easily avoiding the mindless suits of armor that lumbered below us. None of them bothered to look up.

I felt like a rogue in Skyrim with Stealth at 100, sneaking around Whiterun and stealing everyone's clothes. Despite being so ridiculously close to my victims, none of them saw me.

' _This is fun,_ ' I thought gleefully. ' _I wish I could get hired to steal something. I bet I would make a kick ass jewel thief._ '

Bisque lead us into the room with the orphans. As soon as I saw them, I backflipped off the ceiling and landed onto the metal flooring. The pack spread across the room, sniffing at all the unconscious children.

"Are they gonna be able to walk?" Pakkun asked me.

"Probably not. I can make three earth clones, though, and each one can carry two. Bull could easily take four. We only gotta figure out how to move the other eight."

"I could take two if someone ties them to me," Akino offered.

"I can handle one," Shiba added. Uhei and Urushi both agreed to that.

"So all that's left is three… Hmm. If I tied them to my earth clones, they could carry three each instead of two. Let's shoot for that, then."

The pack and I went about destroying the glass spheres that contained the children, catching each of them before they fell and hit the floor. We moved as fast as we could, hoping to avoid unnecessary conflict since we now had live hostages to worry about.

Pakkun let out a soft growl. "Someone's coming. They're moving slowly, and they're alone so they likely don't suspect anything."

"We stay together," I instructed. "Let's see if we can take 'em by surprise."

The Pack moved as one, leaping up onto the walls then onto the ceiling, with most of them carrying children strapped to their backs. My clones followed suit, two kids tied on the back and one in front.

I almost laughed at how ridiculous my clones looked carrying them like that. It was like a was a pack mule, or something.

I grabbed my own two designated kiddos, moving them out of the way so that way I could deal with whoever was coming.

I stood above the doorway, poison-coated kunais in each hand.

Then in walked one of Haido's knights—specifically, the lady that shot out lightning.

' _Ranke?_ ' I thought. ' _Damn she's hot. Why must the bad people be so attractive? It must be a law in this universe. The Madara Law._ '

Ranke took one step in the room, then gasped in surprise at seeing all the empty spheres. Her head swung around, looking for an explanation, and that was when I dropped down on top of her.

My legs landed on her shoulders and I dug my kunai deep into her eye, and straight to her brain.

She collapsed, and I ripped my kunai out of her.

' _Oh, movie goons,_ ' I thought fondly. ' _Never change._ '

"Okay," I said with a big grin. "Let's head out of here and meet up with my future husband."

The pack snickered at that.

* * *

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* * *

Kakashi met up with us at the rendezvous about half an hour later, carrying a tattered book that he tossed over to me. "This what you need?"

"Ah, yes, the Book of Gelel. The Wise Old Man will be happy to have this back," I said happily.

Kakashi glanced around at the pack. "You already send Bisque off to Konoha?"

"Yeah. Let's drop these kids off with the caravan and give my future harem member the good news. Then we can go home, and I can see if I can find a copy of _Icha Icha_ for sale."

"Perfect."

I politely ignored his sarcasm.

* * *

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* * *

Dear Sakura,

I've sent you a package of baked goods. They should be arriving shortly. I have to keep this brief since Zabuza needs me, but I must thank you for the fanart. I'll treasure it and try to keep it out of Zabuza's sight for as long as possible.

Love,

Haku

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* * *

Sakura,

Okay.

I will frame it.

Okay.

Dry. No. I don't know. Okay.

Do you have a thing called a hobby?

Gaara

* * *

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* * *

Dearest Sakura,

I must thank you for my very own Harem Waifu sweater. Your knitting skills are certainly impressive, as it's incredibly comfortable and form fitting. Side note, my Best Bae sweater with matching underwear has gone missing. Would it be too much trouble to ask for another pair? They were favorites.

I have begun negotiations with Tsunade about a proper alliance between your village and the Land of Spring. The talks have begun in earnest, and I'm positive we'll be able to form a proper contract that leaves both parties happy. I've made sure that Tsunade knows she has you to thank for this.

I'm looking forward to trying that new recipe! I've sent it off to the chefs and they promised to have it made for me by the weekend. Opera cake sounds fascinating, wherever do you come up with these words?

I'm sorry to hear about your teammate. I hope he recovers from Broodavengeritius and rejoin your team.

Many congratulations on your promotion, and your partnership.

Eager to hear from you,

Lady Yukie

* * *

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* * *

 _Movie wrap up in the next chapter._

 _Dude, like. Knowing the future is OP._

 _I love all these guesses! I'll give you guys one hint that won't be given in the story until the plot twist. The Goggle Gods are/is an actual group of people/person._

 _ **Answer:**_ _Hogwarts._

 _ **Question:**_ _Anime you're current watching?_

 **Extra: (Took this from my tumblr)Oh yes. It's time for the Icha Icha pick up line madness. Keep in mind that Icha Icha is essentially porno, so the pick up lines are nsfw!**

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* * *

Kakashi: -is grumpy-

Sakura: -slides in to stand beside him and wiggles her eyebrows.- "Is Little Kakashi in poor health? Shall I give him some mouth to mouth?"  
Kakashi: -mortified- _No._ No—that line—don't tell me—

Sakura: -holds up the first installment of _Icha Icha_ with a wicked smile on her face-

Kakashi: -is inwardly crying-

* * *

Kakashi: -is helping Sakura stitch a wound on her back she can't reach-

Sakura: -winks at him- Do you work for the postal service? Because I see you checking out my package."

Kakashi: -jabs the needle violently into her back-

Sakura: AHHH. OW. OW. I'M SORRY. I TAKE IT BACK.

* * *

Sakura: -is awaiting Kakashi outside his door for their next mission- "Kakashi-kun! Don't keep me waiting!"

Kakashi: -eyebrow twitches-

Ten minutes pass

Sakura: -breaks open the door.- "Only latex should stand between our love!"

Kakashi: -squeaky horrified noises-

* * *

Sakura: -eyeing Kakashi across a campfire on a mission.-

Kakashi: -giving her a look of disgust and reluctance-

Sakura: "Why don't you let me come over there and sit on your lap, and we'll discuss the first thing that pops up?"

Kakashi: -uses a suiton jutsu- "Drink some water, thirsty girl."

* * *

Sakura: "Man all these pick up lines are hard to do without a dick! Kakashi, why can't you use them?"

Kakashi: "I cannot say _no_ enough to that."

Sakura: "... Was your daddy a baker?"

Kakashi: " _Oh my God stop._ "

Sakura: "Because you have the _nicest buns_. _Hehehehehehehehe_."

Kakashi: -is banging his head against a wall now-

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* * *

 _Reviews are_ _ **love**_ _!_


	17. Wild Tree Baby Appears!

_**Me:**_ _I'm sending good vibes your way. They're coming. There's nothing you can do to stop them._

 _ **You**_ _: That's the most threatening way I've ever been cheered up._

 _Anon_

 _Tripe update 'cause it's my birthday :D Special birthday wishes for all my fellow July babies and Cancer buddies._

 _ **Disclaimer**_ _: I do not own Naruto._

 _ **Warning**_ _: This story has no place for logic._

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* * *

I scratched at my suddenly itchy forehead, feeling vaguely annoyed.

Well, maybe a teeny tiny more than vaguely annoyed.

"It happens," Kakashi tried in vain to soothe me.

"It doesn't happen," I disagreed. "Name one other time it's happened."

" _I've_ —"

"I haven't officially asked you, so you can't include yourself," I retorted with a huff, scratching furiously at my forehead.

"You're going to make yourself bleed," Kakashi pointed out.

With great reluctance I forced my hand back to my side, trying (and failing) to ignore the intense burning itch on my forehead.

"Maybe he'll come around," Kakashi tried again to comfort me.

"Who would reject a formal invitation to join my harem after I've saved their life? _And_ everyone they love. _And restored their country and culture!_ Who does that?! Rude people, that's who!"

Kakashi gave me a pitying look.

"Stop," I ordered him. "You do not get to pity me, mister Perfect-Ass."

The look went on and my glare turned into a smolder. "Y'know, if you _really_ wanna cheer me up…"

Oh, sweet, beautiful glare, how I have missed you. Kakashi abruptly took off ahead of me, choosing not to respond to my hilarious flirtations.

The trip back home was silent.

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* * *

I wiped the grave clean, then dipped my towel into the soapy bucket. I pulled it back out and wiped more firmly against Mikoto's grave, doing my best to get a shine out of it.

Brightheart rolled over onto her back, her eyes closed as she basked in the sunlight beside me.

A couple days after Kakashi and I had returned from our latest mission and I we were placed on temporary standby. Tsunade said that Jiraiya would be coming into town soon, which meant it would soon be time for our super important meeting.

So, to bide my time, I went ahead and started cleaning up the Uchiha District.

Since the massacre the whole district had been kept pretty empty. All the furniture and personal belongings were cleared out except for Sasuke's family home.

No one had moved in.

It's not that there were blood stains everywhere, or it had a bad feeling to it. Frankly I don't think some people would really _care_ about what it used to be.

It's simply that everything went to Sasuke, per Clan Laws.

And Sasuke didn't have the heart to open everything up for sale.

Once more, it wasn't that he didn't _want_ to sell the land. A part of him really did because then maybe living people would chase off the ghosts. He had all the paperwork filled out, had everything ready to close off the Uchiha District for good and open it up as a Residential District (but he would retain his family's home for obvious reasons).

But when it came down to submitting the paperwork he couldn't bring himself to do so.

So I did it for him.

Granted I used my own name as his temporary proxy since he was partying up with Orochimaru-senpai, but I didn't think he'd mind. He left the paperwork laying out for me on the kitchen table, anyway, so I assumed that's what he wanted.

I used some of the money he had so kindly set aside to hire a realtor to do the legwork for me, so hopefully I'd only have to pop by every once and while to sign some crap. I'd set aside any money I made to give back to Sasuke.

Unless he tried to kill us when we met up for him. Then I'm taking that money and building a strip club.

I'd call it: Bakakashi.

It'd become a temple of the Goggle Gods for all those worthy to come and pray in honor of Madara's sexiness.

Second thought I might do that anyway.

Meh.

We'll see.

* * *

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* * *

A week since we had returned from our last mission, Kakashi swung by my place and asked me to have lunch with him and the Hokage.

It was, at long last, finally time to bullshit my way through the ever important meeting.

I followed Kakashi towards the chosen restaurant, doing my best to refrain from taunting him too much. I didn't want to get him riled up before I dropped such big bombshells.

Within minutes of arriving the two of us were seated in a secluded booth, and I was squished in between Shikaku and Kakashi, Jiraiya and Tsunade on the opposite side of us. I sensed Jiraiya trigger a multitude of seals.

Tsunade then looked over at me. "I believe you had something you wanted to tell us, Sakura."

"The Goggle Gods have blessed me with some critical knowledge," I began. "Knowledge about the future."

"Goggle Gods," Tsunade repeated, incredulous.

"I can—I can vouch for some of it," Kakashi said quietly. "Her knowledge when it comes from them has… never been wrong."

"Shikamaru told me some of it," Shikaku added, voice low. "You were able to give detailed and accurate information about the Sound Four prior to ever meeting them."

Jiraiya and Tsunade both still looked dubious, so I took a deep breath and said, "Jiraiya, you trained three orphans in the past war. Konan, Yahiko, and Nagato. Nagato had the rinnegan."

Jiraiya's face twitched once before smoothing over, while Tsunade raised an eyebrow. The Hokage said, "Orochimaru and I didn't report about the orphans."

"I didn't talk about them with anyone who's still alive," Jiraiya said, staring intently at me. "How do you know about them?"

"The Goggle Gods have blessed me," I bullshitted. "I can go on, if you'd like, to prove my knowledge. I can tell you who Naruto's parents are. I can also tell you who was _really_ behind Kurama's attack that night."

"Kurama?" Shikaku repeated.

"You know him as the kyūbi, but his real name is Kurama," I explained. "Kushina, Naruto's mother, was his previous jailer. Then the man known as—as Tobi attacked her immediately after she gave birth. A jinchūriki's seal is weakened when giving birth, you know. Tobi kidnapped Kushina and extracted Kurama before releasing him on Konoha. He wanted to frame the Uchiha Clan, because he needed them gone for his ultimate plan. He succeeded in seeding sows of doubt and distrust in those that knew about his attack. Every ANBU who saw him saw his Sharingan eyes and thought someone from the Uchiha Clan was behind the attack. This caused a lot of distrust between the village and the clan, and since the clan was already antsy about previous incidents…" I trailed off, looking up at Tsunade with a meaningful gaze. "I'm about to tell you all something that's gonna drop one hell of a bombshell. Only Jiraiya knows part of the truth."

At that, Jiraiya frowned.

"Go on," Tsunade said.

"The Uchiha Clan was planning a coup," I said. "Danzō ordered Itachi to eliminate his clan to prevent civil war. Itachi did as he ordered, but in exchange Sasuke was to be left alive and unaware. Itachi would go down as the big bad villain, so the Uchiha Clan would be remembered with honor, and Sasuke would be spared."

Pure, cold, and brittle silence filled the booth. Everyone there was an expertly trained shinobi, so each wore masks to hide their genuine horror and surprise.

"Itachi is your mysterious contact, Jiraiya-sama. He's the one who's been tipping you off about the Akatsuki," I told him.

"Hold on," Shikaku cut in. "Are you seriously saying that a council elder ordered the massacre of an entire clan?"

"There's a secret archive room hidden underneath the hokage's office," I said, words falling out of my mouth without me even thinking about it. "Hiruzen kept every unofficial mission there, documented, in case evidence would be needed later on. You can't access it without the current hokage's approval. When Tsunade-sama wrote her name down in blood on the hokage scroll after her orientation, she keyed her blood into the seals that keeps the room hidden."

" _What_?" Tsunade exclaimed.

"Oh," I said. _How the fuck do I know this? This is starting to get a little creepy._ "Um. I mean, _yeah_. Totally. You can—you can access the room by putting some of your blood on the seal. The seal is kept underneath the potted plant in the corner of the office."

Once more silence fell between everyone.

"We need to confirm this first," Tsunade declared, standing up from her booth. "Let's move, people. Jiraiya, do you have more privacy seals prepared?"

"Quite a bit, actually," Jiraiya muttered, still giving me a look of genuinely disbelief.

As a group, the five of us headed out. As soon as we arrived at the office Tsunade barked at the guards to stand back and allow Jiraiya to place up more privacy seals.

As soon as her old friend gave the clear Tsunade moved the pot aside, cut her thumb, and dabbed a bit of her blood on the spot where the plot used to be.

There was a flash of light and seals glowed around the spot, forming a neat square. When the glow died down a trapdoor opened up in the center of the room.

"Cool," I said. "Am I badass, or what?"

 **How in the fuck do you know this.**

' _I'm just going to roll with it._ '

Kakashi leaning over the trap door, staring down at it with such a look of incredulous—

 _Kakashi looked down at the trap door then he looked back at me. "This is insane."_

" _It is what it is," I muttered tiredly._

 _Hiruzen bowed his head. "I am glad I prepared for such a day, but… I wish it had not come."_

" _That is something we can all agree on," Minato muttered._

 _Obito clapped his hands, a look of determination on his face. "Alright. Let's do this."_

The scene was gone, and I was left staring at an empty space—the others had all jumped down it seemed.

 **Was that an episode?**

' _It didn't—it didn't feel like one of my episodes._ '

As a prior schizophrenic patient, I had gotten used to experiencing hallucinations. They were typically reserved for more horrific things, but there were times where I would "imagine" a friendly person sitting beside me and enjoy a lovely conversation with them. It was hard, incredibly so, to be able to differentiate what was true during the episode and for a time afterwards.

The fact that I could distinctly tell that it did not actually happen made me think it wasn't a genuine episode.

It didn't _feel_ fake, either.

' _A… memory?_ '

 **But whose?**

The person I thought was me was definitely not me. That memory didn't belong to me—if it was in fact a memory. The fact that I had seen Kakashi's team in it may have lead me to think that it was Rin—who was the only person not there, though a part of me felt it was not her memory—but Obito was much older in that vision.

The memory did not line up with the canonical timeline I knew.

Obito became Tobi before the age of fifteen, but he definitely looked almost eighteen in that vision.

And Kakashi didn't have his scar, in fact, _he had both of his eyes._

What I say could _not_ have happened in this—

In this—

 _In this_ —

 **STOP.**

I clutched at my head, sharp pain piercing through it. The intensity of the pain was so severe, my knees buckled and I bowed.

And just as quickly as it came, it left.

Kakashi's head popped up from the trapdoor. "You following?"

I blinked away the spots in my eyes and gave him a shaky smile. "Yep."

Deciding to put all those thoughts to the side, I hopped down the trapdoor and entered a room that reeked of mold and dust.

"Well. Ya'll probably have a lot of reading to do," I said, looking around the many rows of dusty scrolls. "I'm gonna grab lunch."

"You," Tsunade said, turning towards me and jabbing a finger. "You are not to leave this village under any circumstances. Kakashi, accompany her at all times until we get this mess sorted out. If you really are capable of learning all of this—"

"At all times?" I whispered, my eyes widening. "Does this mean we get to live together again? Sleep together?"

Kakashi gave Tsunade simultaneously pleading and terrified look.

"At. All. Times," Tsunade snapped out.

I squealed with delight, but then—

"If you keep me locked up, you'll kill me," the words tumbled out. "Danzō will find out and kill me. He has spies in every corner. Over half your ANBU is compromised with his ROOT soldiers. I have to keep leaving on missions or he'll get suspicious."

"She's—she's not wrong," Shikaku said quietly. "If Danzō—if everything she's said is true, which I'm getting the feeling is the case—then we have to proceed carefully."

"Definitely no solo missions," Jiraiya said. "Kakashi should stay with her, and we should assign someone else."

"Tree baby?" I asked hopefully.

"Tree—you mean that fellow?" Tsunade gave a thin smile. "Heh. If I didn't know any better I'd say you read my mind. Kakashi, take Sakura out of here. Shikaku, we need to put a team together—"

I hopped out of the hole, Kakashi following behind me.

"You are not sleeping in my apartment again," he told me flatly.

"I have an extra room," I offered.

"I'm putting explosives around my bed," he warned. I had a feeling he really would.

"I'll behave."

"Then let's go. You're buying me lunch since you're so determined to ruin my days."

"Ah, come on. Don't be like that. You know I love you."

"You're buying dinner, too."

"Okay, okay."

"Any more bombshells you want to add?"

' _What would you say if I told you I would be the mother of your future_ _children?_ ' I wondered. I decided against asking that, since I felt like he might overreact a teeny tiny bit and the poor dear already looked so exhausted from all the other bombs I dropped today.

Better to give him time to recuperate before I had my fun again.

* * *

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* * *

About three hours later there was a knock on my front door. Kakashi got up to answer it, and when I arrived I found myself giggling with glee when I saw who it was.

"Tree baby!" I squealed, throwing myself at Tenzō. "I'm gonna love on you now, okay?"

"Um," Tenzō said, awkwardly patting my back while I nuzzled into his chest. "Senpai?"

"You'll get used to it," Kakashi said airily. "It's better to go with the flow than fight it. She's tenacious."

I pinched Tenzō's butt and the tree baby screamed like a little girl and threw me away from him. Kakashi caught me before I hit the ground, idly swatting the back of my head. "Don't do that. You'll give the poor baby a heart attack. He's not used to your level of crazy."

Tenzō put both of his hands over his butt, looking at me in abject horror. "You—You— _You're thirteen!_ "

"With the heart of a horny old man," I said proudly. "Don't worry, I just had to see where your butt placed on the scale. Solid 6/10, so not bad. A little too stiff for my tastes, but with a little work I think you could make it up to 8/10."

"What," he whispered.

"Kakashi is 10/10. I'm his Butt Advocate," I said with a grin.

"My butt doesn't need an advocate, and if it did why can't I be it?" Kakashi asked.

"Because you don't appreciate your butt like I do," I explained with a roll of my eyes.

"I suppose that's true. No one appreciates my butt like you do."

"Don't forget it, darling."

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

 _Sorry for the transitional chapter, but we're getting in towards the time skip. Next chapter will be a montage of events leading up to Shippuden, and likely filled with many jokes at Kakashi's expense. And now Tenz_ ō _'s._

 _ **Answer:**_ _Overlord III. Hail Nazarack._

 _ **Question:**_ _Favorite fanbase?_

 _Reviews are_ _ **love**_ _!_


	18. Time Skips for the Boy Toy

"The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian."

-Anonymous

 **This is a Time Skip chapter so it's hella choppy since I'm only writing the scenes that are important or funny enough to warrant being brought to life.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto!**

 **Warning: There is no logic. This is a parody / satire.**

* * *

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* * *

Dear Sakura,

Kirigakure is coming along very well. Mei is an excellent kage and the village looks completely different than what I remember it. There are actually children playing in the streets now! I never thought I'd see the day that I could walk down Kirigakure without fear and see children laughing. It's wonderful, and I hope you get the chance to see it.

Mei really liked your cookies, by the way. She wants me to tell you that she'd be more than happy to arrange accommodations for you if you visit. "A friend of Zabuza and Haku is a friend of mine. Especially one with such a magical touch in cooking," were her exact words, I believe.

I really hope you take her up on it. I know you're busy at the hospital, but please think about it?

While the people here are nice, and much friendlier than what I remember, it'd be wonderful to have an actual friend here.

And I miss you.

Yours,

Haku

* * *

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* * *

"Here you go, Tree baby," I said, gesturing towards the mostly empty room upstairs. "You can stay here."

"Please stop calling me Tree Baby," Tenzō sighed. "Thank you for the room, Sakura-san."

"You can drop the san, darling," I said with a chirp. "Let me know if you need anything, okay?"

"Uh-huh."

I patted Tenzō on the shoulder before turning back around to address Kakashi who was standing a solid meter away from us and eyeing me like I might jump on him at any moment. With a big smile I said, "This is great. I love having roommates."

"Great is not the word I would use to describe this," Kakashi informed me.

"You're right. Perfect is a better description."

* * *

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* * *

My sweet little Haku,

I'd LOVE to visit Kirigakure! I talked to Tsunade-sama about it and she mentioned she was already planning on sending a delegation to discuss renewing the non-aggression pact between our villages. There's a good chance she'll let me tag along. I mean it'd only make sense, right? I _am_ her apprentice and it'd be a good show of respect and trust to send me along.

Plus, ya know, I know how to bribe her.

(her weakness is rum cake)

Of course when I do visit you'll have to show me around. ;J

I'm sending along some pictures of me and Brightheart because she's an adorable puppy and the world needs to see how cute she is.

Tell Zabuza that he better be dating Mei by the time I get there!

Lots of love,

Sakura

* * *

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* * *

Naruto left with Jiraiya scarcely a couple days after Tenzō moved in. There wasn't much warning. One morning Naruto showed up at my door carrying his plants and shoved them into my arms with a quick, " _I gotta go, love ya, bye!_ "

I barely got out a goodbye of my own before the ball of sunshine was racing away in pursuit of pervert teacher.

I set up his plants beside my own before a saddened Hinata showed up two hours later, gave a big woeful sigh, and flopped herself onto my couch.

Taking a seat beside her, I patted her squishy cheeks. "Do you need chocolate, sweetie?"

"Yes, please," she said. "I'll have to work extra hard to impress Naruto-kun when he gets back, but—"

"But you'll miss him?"

She nodded glumly. I leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Don't worry, honey. He'll come back before you know it."

"Promise?"

"Pinky promise."

* * *

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* * *

Dear Gaara,

See attached recipes. Naruto's off on a training journey, so I won't be able to pass on any letters for you to him for a while. Sorry, honey! But, hey, we still have each other so we'll be okay.

Congratulations on your promotion! I bet you'll be Kazekage in no time at all. Who can resist your adorable face?

That council guy sounds like a complete ass. I'm all for Shukaku-sama crushing him like a bug. Tell him that I love him, by the way. I also love you, of course.

Thanks for the pictures! They're hanging proudly on my bedroom ceiling so I can look up at them before I go to sleep and imagine seeing it beside you.

Things are getting a little crazy around here since I started my apprenticeship with Tsunade. I still work at the hospital a lot, and I've had to cut back on my missions a whole bunch. Brightheart says hi!

Sending you lots of love and imaginary cuddles,

Sakura

* * *

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* * *

"You'll be spending a lot more time at the hospital," Shizune informed me with a gentle smile. "Tsunade and I are both impressed with your talent and we'd hate to see it squandered. Working more at the hospital isn't a problem for you, is it?"

I shook my head. _Also will keep me in Konoha in case Tsunade wants to ask me more about the Goggle Gods, I bet. The hospital and medical training is probably just a really nice cover._

My new schedule now went something like this: Mondays through Thursdays I worked at the hospital for 10-15 hours, but I was on call at all times during those days. I mean, I was originally scheduled only to work 8 hours at a time but when you work at a hospital as _one of the doctors_ (which _whoa_ that's weird because I was thirteen but apparently being Chūnin made it all okay) you never only worked for eight hours. Some surgeries would _last_ eight hours and then there'd be another emergency.

I also came to understand the burning hatred nurses and doctors harbored for shinobi and kunoichi who did not get the appropriate amount of bedrest before nearing getting themselves killed again.

Like, I worked for _twelve hours straight_ to get your damn heart to pump on its own again and you go off and get it ripped out again!? You motherfucker!

No wonder it was standard practice to tie flight risks down (like Kakashi).

An-y-way come Friday was a designated day off to train or sleep. Saturdays sometimes were the same, Sundays we (almost) always took a very brief mission. The three of us would leave at four in the morning and be back by evening that day. Tsunade definitely wasn't going to let me take any long term missions for a lo-ong time, that's for sure.

It was pretty nice to have a routine, though. It made me feel normal.

And then there were mornings like this one that threw normalcy out the window.

" _What did you do to my underwear_?!" Tenzō hissed out, stomping into the kitchen with an expression that was a perfect mix between mortification and pure rage.

I didn't even stop from mixing my apple pie filling, merely glancing up at him—and the clock which read as 5:13 AM. "Uh, what?"

Kakashi, who was sitting at the kitchen table, and enjoying his morning coffee briefly looked up at Tenzō. He looked over at me. "What did you do this time, Sakura?"

"I didn't do anything," I insisted, genuinely wondering if I sleep-walked and stole his underwear again. "At least I don't think I did."

One time and they will never let it go!

Red-faced, Tenzō shakily held up a pair of lingerie. "Everything has been taken except this. You _cannot_ expect me to think you weren't behind this."

At this, I paused in my stirring to examine the silky undergarment. "That's some nice undies. I feel like I've seen them before, though—"

" _Where is my underwear_?!" the ex-ANBU demanded.

"This is why I told you to booby trap your drawers," Kakashi told him.

"Yeah, that makes it way more fun when I do mess with you. Makes me feel like a kick ass art thief or something," I said, nodding my head in agreement. "I mean… booby trapping totally deters."

"But it slows you down," Kakashi pointed out. "And we'll eventually find the right trap to stop you entirely."

The thought made me smile in amusement.

"Returning to the main issue," Tenzō hissed out, "Sakura, where did you put them?"

"No clue," I chirped, "Want some pie?" I held out my filling-coated wooden spoon.

He glared at me. "Food doesn't solve everything."

"I'll make you another baked alaska," I sung.

Ah. The anger wavered.

"Don't give in," Kakashi urged him. "If you always accept her bribes she'll never learn."

That made Tenzō snort. "You have _no_ room to talk."

"Letting her buy the collector's edition of _Icha Icha_ for tiramisu cake every weekend was perfectly acceptable and not at all applies to this conversation," Kakashi bullshitted.

Tenzō sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Look, just give them back okay?"

"I would if I could, sweetie," I assured him, "but I really don't know—"

Anko threw herself into the kitchen through the open window over the sink. "I AM HERE FOR THE PIE BABY."

"My goddess!" I cried out, placing the bowl down and throwing myself into her arms. Anko whirled me around, nuzzling the top of my head. I gave her butt an affectionate pat which made her laugh and ruffle my hair. "I'm sorry, nymph, but the pie's still being made. I told you it'd be ready at seven."

"But everything smells like heaven when you bake," Anko sighed dreamily, taking a seat at the table beside Kakashi. She noticed the underwear Tenzō was holding out. "Aha! I see you got my gift."

Tenzō was scandalized. " _You_?!"

"Me!" she cried out. "Why else do you think Sakura's baking me a pie?"

" _You set her up to steal my underwear?!"_ Tenzō whirled back around on me.

"I told her I would bake her a pie if she got you to wear a thong," I explained cheerfully.

"Yeah and I want that pie," Anko said. "So either you put it on or I will make you."

The poor tree baby glared balefully at Anko before turning on his heel and marching out of the kitchen. Anko's standard leer appeared on her face and she hopped up from her spot and skipped after him. "Oh I love it when they play hard to get."

"Don't destroy my house," I called out after her before returning to baking. I looked back over at Kakashi and beamed at him. "Want me to make you breakfast, Sensei?"

"Hotcakes sound good."

"Coming up, dear."

* * *

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* * *

Sakura,

Thank you for the recipes.

I am sorry to hear about Naruto.

Thank you.

No, I will not let Shukaku crush anyone. Shukaku says hello, and thank you for the worship.

I'm glad you like the pictures.

What do you do in the hospital? Are you a doctor?

Thank you for the love and imaginary cuddles.

Yours,

Gaara

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

I woke up with sharp burning pain in my forehead. It was significant enough to make me sit up with a lurch and wake Brightheart up who was sleeping on my legs. The puppers gave a whine of protest, lifting her scarred head up to look at me with concern.

Even if she would never be taught how to speak human she was _still_ a bred ninken and was wickedly smart.

The pain resided, replaced with an itchy feeling.

Confused, I scratched at it for a moment until the feeling faded away entirely. "What the heck?"

I wiggled free of Brightheart, my sweet puppy making another noise of concern for me. "Don't worry, pumpkin, I'll be right back. I just want to see my reflection."

She lowered her head back down, giving a soft sigh.

Quietly, I crossed my bedroom to the attached bathroom. I flipped on the lights, blinking away at how bright it became, before I approached my bathroom mirror.

Then I stared.

And stared.

 _And stared_.

Because _what the gosh darn dilly dally heck_?

There, center of my forehead, a pale green, was _the strength of a hundred seal_.

I stared in disbelief at the diamond on my forehead, poking at it. I could definitely sense the chakra inside of it when I focused on it, but that was just _insane_. I hadn't even started training with Tsunade, how do I have her seal?

What the hell was going on?

' _Inner? Any suggestions?_ '

But the voice inside of my head was oddly quiet.

' _What am I supposed to do? Cover it up with makeup?_ '

I started rummaging through my medicine cabinet, wondering if I even had any make up.

Nope.

' _Okay I'll buy some cover up tomorrow. Mean time I'll cover it up with my hitai-ate._ '

I'll keep it covered for… for… well until I came up with a reasonable explanation because damn did I not have any.

' _Do I even know how to use this thing?_ _Why do I have it? I haven't been in this life for more than a year! How is this possible?_ '

* * *

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* * *

Come morning I immediately got dressed in my room, tying my headband around my forehead to cover the seal. I still hadn't figured out what to do about it since I doubted my usual explanation of the Goggle Gods would cover it.

They had only ever given me information, why would they suddenly grant this onto me?

I decided to give myself more time before I could come up with a good enough bullshit reason. Something told me claiming ignorance (even if it was true) wouldn't work.

Although it did become increasingly important to started training under Tsunade. I was technically under her apprenticeship, but she hadn't given me one on one training yet. _Maybe_ if I trained under her a year I could squeak by with being a "prodigy" or whatever and _then_ show off my seal.

Ideally I'd wait as long as possible before showing it, but I could probably get by with a year of training because in _that_ case I could say the Goggle Gods helped me.

Maybe?

Ugh.

After I got dressed I helped Brightheart downstairs. Her prosthetic was decent—certainly more advanced than my previous world's life—but it could still lock up on occasion.

And I knew I wouldn't be able to carry her around forever, so I tried to do it as much as possible while I still could.

(Who was kidding? Even when she'd get up to 200 lbs I'd still carry her around.)

Unsurprisingly Tenzō and Kakashi were already downstairs and drinking coffee. Kakashi knew how much I loved cooking, so he largely left that task up to me (but he'd do the dishes because whoever cooked didn't have to do the dishes).

"Good morning," I said cheerfully, setting Brightheart down. The cutie patootie let out a yip to let me know she was hungry.

"Morning," my bodyguards greeted me. Kakashi reached over and patted Brightheart on the top of her head, earning a small tail-wag.

"Any requests for breakfast?"

"Nope," Kakashi answered on behalf of the two of them. "We'll be taking a mission this afternoon, though. Nothing too dangerous, so we should be back by tonight."

I saluted. "Yes, sir!"

* * *

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* * *

Since training with Tsunade became a top priority I planted myself in her office that evening after coming back from the mission and begged for training.

She was all too happy to oblige.

When Tsunade taught me she was completely unlike Shizune.

Shizune was patient, thoughtful, and encouraged conversation. Every time we went into surgery together she would ask me questions about what she was doing, and even at times allow me to take direction. She was a good teacher.

Tsunade, on the other hand, was nothing at all like that.

She was brash, quick, and if I didn't know the answer I got a hard slap on the back of my head that left my ears ringing.

She didn't offer direct instruction, but rather if I wasn't being berated or hit then I knew I was doing it right.

And _boy_ that physical training was something else.

I thought Gai's training courses were cruel.

Clearly he didn't have Tsunade's imagination.

Whenever Tsunade taught me I definitely wasn't taking any missions that week. I would spend my entire time recovering from her brutal teaching style.

 _But_ , damn did it show results.

* * *

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* * *

Dearest Sakura,

Oh that cake recipe is divine. I'm tempted to request you for a month as my personal chef, but unfortunately I think my actual chefs might take offense to that.

Land of Spring is beautiful, of course, but I am glad I will be able to get out for a while. All the diplomacy and paperwork gets suffocating, and I can't ignore my acting career. The _Icha Icha_ movie will be coming out soon, as we've already finished filming—don't worry you'll get your tickets—but I've recently taken up another script. This movie will actually take me in the Land of Fire for a couple weeks, and near Konoha. I'm trying to see if the director will allow us a small detour into Konoha so I can visit you. You'll _have_ to make your croquembouche for me.

Congratulations on your apprenticeship, and your new position in the hospital. I'm sure you'll be running the whole thing within the year.

You live with your sensei now? Is this the same silver-haired man that the director ships you with? He sent me over the script you helped him with and I found it _interesting_ that the teacher _also_ has silver hair and the student has _pink_ hair. Not nearly as interesting as the sharkman fellow rival, though? Where did you come up with that?

Thank you for the wool socks. My feet are absolutely delighted.

With love and kisses,

Yuki

.

I sat outside in my backyard one weekend, half a dozen fruit pies on my right and dozens of fruit tarts on left. Kakashi was out on errands, so only Tenzō remained as my bodyguard, but he remained inside.

Apparently he could only take me in small doses. How weird was that?

Brightheart lounged in the warm sunlight behind me, her feet and prosthetics kicked up into the air while she wiggled her back into the soft grass. A quick glance behind showed me that her tongue was lazily hanging out and she had a doggy smile.

' _Could my dog be any cuter? No. She couldn't be 'else she'd melt the entire world._ '

 **Um, what?**

I ignored my Inner's disbelieving tone, choosing instead to focus on the positive things.

After all, today would the day I met the rest of the salamanders if all went well.

There were three salamanders I could summon that I hadn't, yet. Shin, Hanso, and Ibuse.

Shin, according to Gedo, was keeper of the Salamander Spirit Prison. He was extremely well versed in fuuinjutsu, and was able to "de-summon" himself enough to the point to pass through anything physical. Including seals!

The Spirit Prison, I had learned, was something unique to the Salamanders. The Salamanders were one of the rare summons who resided in the In Between, the place between the Physical and Spiritual Realm. I currently lived in the Physical Realm.

The Spirit Prison captured and held the physical bodies of prisoners and pushed out their spiritual energy. In short, it turned people into ghosts! The summoner—me—could then bring those "ghosts" over into the Physical Realm for an indefinite period of time.

The Spirit Prison was made a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, _long_ time ago by someone the Salamanders won't talk about. I guess she was some kind of billy bad ass in seals and had a connection to the Spiritual Realm because the Spirit Prison drew upon the Spiritual Realm itself to make all this possible.

An-y-way, Shin was the keeper of the prison. He made sure the prisoners didn't waste away while inside, I guess.

Hanso was the youngest of the Salamanders who could be summoned, and he had a unique ability of being able to transform the summoner into a salamander. As a salamander the summoner's chakra was completely repressed, so it'd be super ideal for spying and whatnot. Geod also said he was super adorable.

Lastly, there was Ibuse.

Ibuse was the boss of the Salamanders. He could use earth style ninjutsu, swim through earth and rock like it was water, and transform any poison ingested into a toxic gas bomb.

All around a pretty useful guy.

Once I got the hang of summoning him, he'd probably the one I summoned the most in combat. Gedo and Doku were largely used for preparation, not for heat-of-the-moment battles like Ibuse. Shin seemed better suited for in case I needed a fuinjutsu master, and Hanso… Hanso seemed really great if I wanted to spy. Not sure how often I would need to spy—or want to—but who knew where life would take me?

I took a deep breath, summoning as much chakra as I could, and then slammed my hands onto the ground.

There was a massive amount of smoke, and as it cleared three salamanders stood in its place.

The most obvious one to see was Ibuse. He was as massive as I remen—as I thought he would be from his debut in the anime. He was a pale shade of brown, covered in smooth skin, and looked down at me without eyes.

Shin was the next easily spotted since he was bone white and had piercing red eyes that seemed to glow. He was about as big as Brightheart, with a crooked tail.

Hanso was hard to spot, since he was apparently no bigger than my index finger and sat squarely on Shin's head. He was dark brown and gold with brilliant yellow eyes.

! _-Hi!_ -!Hanso exclaimed, his voice mirroring that of a young boy. !-I'm Hanso-!

"Hello, Hanso. Hello, Shin, Hello, Ibuse," I greeted. "I've prepared food for you all. It's really great to finally meet you."

v- _Yes_.-v Shin nodded his head, approaching me slowly, eyes unreadable. v- _It is good to see you, my summoner._ -v

There was a tone in his voice that struck me as odd. He sounded like—

'— _Greeting a friend whose forgotten him?_ '

' _Whoa. What a weird thought._ _I think I read too much Icha Icha last night._ '

I gave him a grin then looked up at Ibuse. "Let's work well together, yeah?"

_ _Yes._ _ Ibuse said, his tone soft and surprisingly gentle. _ _I look forward to working with you again, hime._ _

"Awesome. Help yourselves to the pie, then, my friends!"

!- _Woo hoo!_ -! Hanso shouted, jumping off Shin's head and dive bombing into one of the pies. !- _It's pie paradise_.-!

* * *

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* * *

 _v-What is this?_ -v Shin asked me, the tiny white salamander looking up at me with wide, wide eyes. Barely a week after hatching and already he was ready to experience the world.

"It's pie," I told him, giggling.

v- _There's so much_!-v

"Yep. It's a pie paradise!"

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

A shudder ran through me after the memory, a sudden pang in my chest. One moment I was clutching my head from the odd vision, and the next everything was gone and I felt perfectly fine.

I received a few glances, but I smiled and said, "Sorry, blood rush. I'm okay. C'mon. Let's eat!"

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

To my beloved Gaara,

OH MY GOSH. So today at the hospital I'm doing my rounds like no big deal, right? RIGHT! BUT THEN an ANBU squad bursts into my office—because I share it with Shizune—looking for Shizune. That part isn't so unusual because some of the ANBU prefer to get rushed patch jobs so they don't have to stay in the hospital overnight and only a handful of doctors can—and will—do that, Shizune being one of them. But Shizune was gone so I'm like, "Can I help you?"

AND THAT'S WHEN I NOTICED THEY WERE ALL HOLDING THEIR INTESTINES.

I screamed.

They pass out.

I, of course, call a code while still screaming and trying to shove their organs back inside.

Nurses come running, we get them pumped full of drugs, and rush them to a surgical room. Unfortunately only one room was available so we put all five of them inside of it—not at all okay, but you gotta do what you gotta do—and then I find out I'm the only available person who can perform surgery.

Naturally this freaks me out for a moment, but I manage to calm down and I get to work. I mean, what choice do I have, right?

So I'm working on these guys for sixteen hours and BOY what a madhouse that surgical room turned into. But guess what?

I SAVED THEM ALL.

It was AMAZING. Even Shizune—when she finished her own surgeries—said she might not have even been able to do that. Tsunade said I had the natural talent of someone who's been doing this for a hundred life times! Isn't that crazy?

It was an awesome day.

The fellows even bought me dinner afterwards. Kakashi was totally jealous of my poly date.

An-y-way, so after that whole fiasco there was a lot of discussion by the higher ups and I got a promotion. I'll be getting my own office and I'll be able to take on my own patients and surgeries SOLO.

Isn't that great?

I know this is earlier than what I would normally send a letter but I just _had_ to tell you.

With all the love,

Sakura

* * *

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* * *

A week after I turned fourteen I decided to show Tsunade and Shizune my forehead seal. It was only little after a year since they both started training me so it wasn't a real stretch that I would have it already, and I knew I couldn't keep it hidden forever.

Showing them made me nervous, of course. Both knew it should have been nearly impossible for me to receive it prior to three years but I was in a difficult spot.

I wasn't even sure _how_ I got it.

I could assume it was related to how I knew things I shouldn't have known, but I didn't have much to go on that, either.

The morning I decided to show the two of them I got up extra early and told Kakashi and Tenzō that I was going to talk to the Hokage about something important. Both were instantly interested in what was going on, but since I wouldn't divulge anything further than that they settled on escorting me.

Tsunade and Shizune always did paperwork together from 5 to 8 AM. 6 was the best time to talk to them since they both would have had that extra hour to wake up and not be so grumpy.

I was let in the office without any fuss, and both of my teachers looked up in curiosity at my arrival.

"Morning," I greeted, trying on my usual grin. I held up a basket of freshly baked blueberry muffins. "I brought peace offerings."

"Rum muffins?" Tsunade asked hopefully.

"Blueberry," I apologized, causing a smile from Shizune and a sigh from Tsunade. I placed the basket on the desk, and glanced back at Kakashi and Tenzō. "Well, uh, guess I'll go ahead and start with my news."

I lifted up my hitai-ate. "Lookie what I got."

Both women dropped their muffins as they stared at me in plain disbelief.

"I, uh, I, uh, I guess the Goggle Gods blessed me?" I tried out. "Honestly I have no idea how I got this so soon."

"O-One year?" Shizune squeaked out. "Y-You managed to condense enough chakra in a _year_?!"

Tsunade immediately stood up from her desk, her right hand covered in green chakra. She placed it over my forehead while Tenzō asked, "What happened?"

"Sh-She has the seal on her forehead!" Shizune stammered. "It took Tsunade three years, a-and I haven't even been able to do it, yet."

Tsunade withdrew her hand, a spark in her eyes. "Unbelievable. My grandmother, Mito, was able to do it in a year, so it's not _unheard_ of per say, but—this is definitely impressive. The really odd thing is that the chakra you gathered to that point is disproportionately spiritual energy. You won't be able to safely use it until you bring in enough physical energy to balance it out, but I can help you with that."

"Spiritual energy?" I echoed and—

" _I've always been more_ there _than_ here."

I blinked as the words whispered to me slipped away. The voice was familiar, but I couldn't place it.

"Yes," Tsunade confirmed, either not noticing my dazed expression or not caring. "That—That could actually explain your knowledge. There's always been a correlation with divination and spiritual energy. It's extremely odd to find someone whose chakra is disproportionately filled with spiritual energy, as most have the perfect ratio of 5:5. I'd put your natural state at 7:2, though."

"Spiritual energy is a lot denser than physical energy. It would make sense if she were able to create a seal so soon if her chakra is naturally inclined like that," Shizune observed, approaching me and also examining the seal.

"Why is my spiritual energy so much stronger?" I asked. "Does it—I mean I get that it's uncommon but how uncommon are we talking here?"

"Maybe one person in half a century?" Tsunade mused. "Due to its rarity it's not something a lot of research as been put into. There are a lot of wild theories about it. Some say those with strong spiritual energy have a connection to death and can share the memories of those who have passed. Another theory is that the mark of strong spiritual energy means they were recently reincarnated. The most popular one is a connection with divination, it can be said that they can see the memories of past and future while they sleep."

"I, uh, I don't remember what I dream about, though."

"But the knowledge slips out when you least expect it," Tsunade reasoned, "through your subconscious, perhaps? What you refer to as the Goggle Gods may very well be your dreams."

All of those reasons sounded… _plausible_. Certainly better than kekkei genkai since none of them made me cringe with anxiety.

It'd explain the seal at least.

Kakashi cleared his throat. "So what does that mean now?"

Tsunade made a _hmm_ sound, assessing me. "Her knowledge hasn't been wrong, yet. Having an explanation for it gives it more credibility, but—but it's all still very unknown. I'd feel a lot better if I knew exactly how you were getting this information."

"You and me both," I admitted to her.

"I'd _like_ to run tests but that'd be hard to do without drawing Danzou's attention," Tsunade continued, "so for now we keep on the same course."

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

Sakura,

What a story, that is certainly impressive. Congratulations on your promotion, I'm very happy for you.

I also have big news, but it's not attached to such an interesting story. I was chosen to be the next Kazekage. The ceremony will be held in a month.

I hope you will be allowed to attend. It would be good to have a friend there.

Yours,

Gaara

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

"I wanna take the Jōnin test!" I declared to Kakashi and Tenzō one odd morning "The jacket's cooler."

"You want us to nominate you?" Kakashi asked, and I nodded. In order to become a Jōnin you had to recommended by two other Jōnins. Anko would do if she could, but she technically couldn't. Thus, I asked Kakashi and Tenzō.

Tenzō took a drink of his tea. "It's a lot of responsibility. You haven't lead a lot of missions."

"But I've lead shifts and gone on multiple solo surgeries," I pointed out. "Shizune-senpai said I could pass on my medical skills alone. Besides, it's not like I'd be leading a team any time soon anyway. This is purely so that way I can take on more administrative work at the hospital for Shizune-senpai. Tsunade-sensei also said that there was some kind of project she wanted me to work on but couldn't do so until I was Jōnin, ergo…"

The two exchanged glances before Kakashi nodded slowly. "Okay. I'll nominate you."

"I'll do it if you promise not to leave any more lewd fanart around," Tenzō offered.

"Psh. Fine. I'll just keep all the Kisame-sama artwork to myself, then."

"Please do," Kakashi remarked.

"But his beauty is too great _not_ to be shared. It feels like a disservice to the world to not—"

"You want Jōnin or not?" Tenzō asked, raising an eyebrow.

I sighed woefully. "Stinker."

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

The actual Jōnin test took barely more than a day. Lot of questions, lot of spars, and a lot of exams. Thankfully I passed on the first try and sported my new jacket the very next day. Hinata gave me a whole bunch of praise, squealing about how proud she was of me.

This, of course, got me to encourage her to take the test and roped Kurenai and Tenzō (I had to bribe him with promises of not hiding under his bed for a month) into giving her a recommendation.

Unsurprisingly she passed.

The two of us went out to celebrate and had a genuinely good time. We didn't get home until around five am, but it was absolutely worth it.

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

GAARA

OH MY GOSH I'M SO PROUD AND HAPPY FOR YOU AND OF COURSE I WILL BE THERE EVEN IF I HAVE TO SNEAK OUT.

Giddy with love and happiness,

Sakura

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

"You have a project for me?" I asked Tsunade one morning.

Tsunade gave a short nod, tossing me a file. "Yeah."

I flipped open the file, surprised to find it was none other than Kimimaro's file. I looked up at her with wide eyes. "You cured him?"

"Of course," Tsunade said with a huff. "Orochimaru has _nothing_ on me when it comes to healing. It was tricky, of course, took me a whole month to figure it out."

" _A month_?" I squawked in surprise. "Orochimaru was working on Kimimaro for _years_."

Tsunade grinned cockily. "Oh? _Years_? And he didn't cure him?"

"Not even close," I said, impressed. I bowed to her. "You truly astound me, goddess of the heavenly pillars."

"What did I say about talking about them?"

"Not to," I admitted sadly. "But they're so magnificent."

She threw her stapler at me. I knew better than to dodge it, so I let it hit me square on the forehead. Dodging the first thrown item always meant she'd break the desk next, and then proceed to kick my ass up and down a training field for the next hour.

I placed the stapler back on her desk, meekly keeping quiet as my forehead throbbed.

She tossed back her pigtails. "Kimimaro has been healed, and thoroughly interrogated. The issue is… what to do with him. He has a valuable kekkei genkai, so it'd be a waste to kill him. And after all the shit I've been reading about what the past Hokages had done..." her face grimaced briefly into rage and disgust, "I refuse to hand him over to Danzou. I'm not going to be like the second, or third Hokages. I want to keep my grandfather's vision of peace for this village and resolve what I can without bloodshed. This world has seen enough of it already."

Tsunade tapped her fingers on the desk. "But that doesn't leave me with a lot of options. We can seal his chakra away and make him… _safe_ - _ish_ , but simply keeping him locked up—"

"Is something the other Hokages would have done," I finished. "Your grandfather was the type of guy who would have given Kimimaro a chance."

Tsunade nodded, glancing out the window and continuing to tap her fingers on the desk. "Your Gods… do they have an answer?"

"I can help him," I said without thinking.

Tsunade smiled at that. "I somehow thought that might be what you'd say. Okay. We'll seal his chakra and discharge him into your care. The official reason is that you'll be researching into replicating his disease to be weaponized. That'll keep Danzou off our asses. No one else aside from those listed in the file know he's healthy, and I want to keep it that way until… certain factors are taken care of."

I saluted. "Leave it to me."

Tsunade waved me off. "Then take care of it. He's in Cell Block B."

Ooo, boy. Cell Block B was underneath T&I which meant I'd get to say hi to Anko before picking up Bone Boy.

"There is one other thing," Tsunade said as I turned to leave, "due to history and what we found, it was decided that it would be for the best if all of his memories of Orochimaru were locked away once we were done. Unfortunately since Orochimaru was a large part of his life this became a substantial loss to his memories. I'm sure you can understand the effects this would have on him."

I turned back around, scratching my cheek. "If he's not loyal to Orochimaru anymore, then, how come ya have to repress his chakra still?"

"Disloyal to Orochimaru doesn't mean loyal to Konoha."

"Good point. Alright. Well, no worries, I'll take care of it."

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

T&I was deep underneath the HQ—where the Jōnin, Chūnin, and Genin commanders worked and a lot of paper shinobi—and required a lot of clearance to get to. As a loyal Chūnin I was allowed to go to the first level, but anything more than that would require special permission. Or, you know, working there.

Which I had to admit was tempting if only for the fact of being able to work beside Anko.

Speaking of which as soon as I entered the first floor the goddess herself stepped off the elevator from the floors below to greet me. She gave me a wicked grin. "A little birdie told me you'd be coming by. Bring the goods?"

I held up the croquembouche.

She mock-shuddered. "Oh. You spoil me."

"These offerings are the least I can do when I get to gaze upon your beauty," I shamelessly flirted.

Anko laughed boisterously at that. "You're always so funny. Alright, follow me."

I gave her a salute, and she took the pastries before leading me through T&I.

"So," I drawled out, "any good ones spotted?"

Anko has been keeping a tally on prisoners with the best asses. As a fellow butt fan I kept an interest in her tally.

"Nothing new. No one's been able to top X, though."

X was a pretty dang famous S-Ranked thief. He was "captured" around the Chūnin Exams but escaped during the chaos. Anko swears he has the best ass she's ever seen.

Obviously I had to disagree with her on that because _hello_ Kakashi existed, but whatever.

"Pity."

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

Kimimaro, dressed in a plain white shirt and gray pants, looked up at me with tired, scared eyes.

' _Orochimaru was a big part of his memory. He's lost years worth of his time, so he's… he's gotta be scared shitless. What's the last thing he remembers? What does he know? Not to mention locking away those memories doesn't mean deleting them. He's probably got some subconscious horrors that he'll have to deal with at one point or another,_ ' I thought, my heart going out to him.

It was a shame, really it was. I'd rather his memories weren't locked away, but I could understand why they chose to do so. Even if Tsunade didn't want to be cruel, she had to put her village first. A loyal member of Orochimaru walking amongst her populace simply wouldn't abide.

Maybe if enough time passed and I could prove he wouldn't harm Konoha she might release the blocks.

I could only hope. It'd definitely help a lot once Orochimaru was dealt with, one way or another.

I gave him the warmest smile I could, wanting to convey my sincere affections. "Hi, Kimimaro. I'm Sakura. I'll be taking care of you."

Kimimaro nodded slowly to show he heard me, but he still looked deeply concerned.

I held out my hand towards him and he flinched back. A glance back at Anko showed her shrugging. "He doesn't remember what happened, but he knows _something_ happened. We took away the worst, but this kiddo's been through a lot."

"Is he scheduled to see a therapist?" I inquired.

"Not at the moment, but I'm sure you can arrange something," she said. "Inoichi still does counseling, even if he's retired from T&I."

"That might be good," I responded, wondering if Inoichi was also the one who put the blocks on Kimimaro. He was the best in the field, so it wouldn't surprise me. "Yeah, I'll set him up for weekly visits."

I knew the importance of seeking professional help. Especially over PTSD, which is what Kimimaro will likely be dealing with. I may not be one to easily seek help, but I wasn't stupid. I knew what I did wasn't healthy, and that I'd probably pay a price for it later but that was a problem for future me.

There was no reason for Kimimaro not to get the help he needs. Obviously I'd do my best, but I wasn't a professional at it. Maybe if we had access to Naruto 24/7 we could do it on our own, but without Therapy-no-Jutsu? Regular therapy would have to do.

I squatted down beside Kimimaro, offering out my hand once again, palm up. "It's okay. I promise I'm not going to hurt you. I'm here to take you away from here, and you're gonna live with me for a while."

Kimimaro watched me warily, his eyes flickering between my hand and my face. I kept up my smile, doing my absolute best to convey how non-threatening I was to him.

After several minutes Kimimaro took my hand, and I easily pulled him up. I gave his hand a good squeeze. "C'mon. I've got plenty of sweaters and comfy clothes that'll fit you at home. I'll whip up dinner and we'll have a grand time."

Kimimaro once more slowly nodded. I gave a slight tug on his hand, and he followed behind me.

He didn't speak no matter what I asked. He nodded, or he shook his head. He flinched when people got too close, and he looked at everything with wild eyes. When we finally got to my home the poor thing was trembling from overstimulation and anxiety, and I took him to our final spare bedroom. Tenzō, Kakashi, and I occupied the bedrooms upstairs. I had set up an extra bedroom in the basement in case Naruto, or Hinata, ever needed to stay with me.

Or, ya know, it was always good to have a basement room in case of tornados and whatnot. Since Land of Fire was in the equivalent of the American Midwest we got wild weather and plenty of tornadoes. Konoha hadn't been hit by one in decades but it didn't hurt to be prepared.

Kimimaro didn't argue when I took him to the basement. He actually looked relieved to be in a more secure room, rather than out in the open.

I showed him his bed, gave him a fresh pair of comfy clothes: a white hand knitted sweater along with dark green sweaters, and thick wooly socks.

"Mine?" he whispered, looking at the clothes.

"All of this is yours, honey," I assured him, gesturing towards the entire bedroom. It wasn't immaculate since I was, you know, _on a budget_ , but it was decent. A twin bed with nice blankets, and a good memory-foam pillow. There was a dresser off to the side, along with a desk and chair. I kept extra books down stairs—mostly texts I didn't want to get damaged in case Brightheart ever got into a teething or destructive phase—along with storage boxes.

I sheepishly scratched my cheek. "I know it's not much, and you're welcome to move stuff out if you don't want it here. We'll get you better stuff later on, I promise."

"N-No, this is fine," Kimimaro said quietly, running his hands over the sweater. "Th-Thank you."

"Any time, sweetheart. I'm going to head upstairs to make dinner. Let me know if you want anything in particular."

Kimimaro nodded at that, but didn't voice any preferences.

Luckily I had his data memorized and knew what his favorite foods were.

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

Given my ties to Gaara, my apprenticeship to Tsunade, my status as a badass Jōnin doctor, and my "oddly charismatic charm" I was elected as the leader of the delegation team sent to Sunagakure for Gaara's coronation.

Coming along as my escorts were Kakashi, Tenzō, and at my recommendation Hinata's team.

(Hinata was primarily chosen because Kakashi pointed out that she apparently could "leash me in". Pfft.)

The six of us headed off, easily making the journey to Sungakure in less than three days.

And there… awaiting us at the gates…!

"Gaara!" I squealed with delight as soon as I saw the familiar mop of adorable red hair. I sprinted away from my group, running straight towards the Kazekage-to-be and throwing myself at him. Some of his escorts tensed up, scowling at me with open distaste, but Temari only rolled her eyes and motioned for them to relax.

Gaara awkwardly patted my back as I nuzzled him. "I missed you."

"It is good to see you again in person, Sakura," Gaara calmly remarked. "You must all be tired from your journey."

The rest of my group met up with us, Kakashi politely answering Gaara, "We're honored you invited us to attend, Kazekage-sama."

Gaara waved him off. "I am glad Sakura could come. It is good to have a friend there."

"I'm so happy for you, Gaara," I told him.

"Thank you. Temari, please escort our guests to their lodgings. Sakura, come with me. I believe I promised I would take you sand surfing when you got here."

I squealed with delight.

"Sakura-chan, don't stay out too late," Hinata chided me.

"Of course, sweetie," I reassured her. "Gaara will have me back before curfew, right?"

"No."

The delegation laughed, thinking he was joking.

He was not.

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

We could only stay in Suna for a week, unfortunately, but what a delightful time we had while there. Or at least me and Hinata had a blast.

Gaara or his siblings were our main escorts—with Gaara escorting me as often as he could in between his duties—and we really got to see the beauty of Sunagakure through them. Gaara was finally able to show me his favorite little spots he briefly described in his letters, as well as his garden, and food stalls he liked. The big sweetie was obviously unused to socializing, and was more than happy to let me do most of the talking. Hinata accompanied us on most visits—likely to make sure I didn't do something too crazy which I would _never_ —and I knew she had fun doing so.

The actual coronation was lackluster and filled with dry speeches. The party afterwards was an alcohol-filled blast—not that I was allowed to have any because Kakashi was a stinker butt—and then we had to head back to Konoha.

Not before Gaara made me promise to come back when I could.

All in all 10/10, would sand surf again.

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

Kimimaro was a silent shadow in the home. He didn't like to leave his room too much—forcing me to come down and eat dinner with him to make sure he had _some_ socializing—and getting him to go to therapy was like taking a toddler to the dentist.

When he did venture out of his room, it was only to sit quietly and watch me work on poisons, do yoga, or cook. Sometimes he would bring up one of the old texts I kept down there and read it beside me, or Tenzō (who he had magically bonded with. Tenzō also took a liking to Kimimaro, which I had to wonder if maybe the tree baby was sympathetic towards another person whose life was wrecked by Orochimaru).

Brightheart adored him, though, doing sweet little yips every time she saw him and wagging her stubbed tail. This always got a small smile out of the pale boy.

He never initiated conversation, and was never rude when someone did try to talk to him. It seemed like he simply didn't know what to say most of the time.

But that was fine. He needed time, and that was something I could give him.

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

The last six months before Naruto came back was spent in a blur of training, letters, and taking care of Kimimaro. I worked a ton at the hospital, coming home to a shy Kimimaro trying to make dinner (he eventually learned not to set the food on fire). Kakashi, Tenzō, and I would do some light training in the back and then off to bed I went.

On the weekends I alternated between training with Tsunade to balance out the ratio in my Strength of a Hundred seal, and taking care of Kimimaro after his therapy visit (he did indeed go see Inoichi, so I chatted with Ino during the appointments).

And then, low and behold, we got the letter that would be the start of changing Shippuden for the better.

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

Dear Sakura,

I know you're a good doctor, and you've done an excellent job running Konoha's hospital for the past year and a half. Sunagakure has undergone a lot of training, especially in our medical department and right now I think they could use your assistance. I would like for you to help them.

Yours,

Gaara.

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

Dear Gaara,

I'm already on my way.

Love,

Sakura

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

 **BONUS**

Dear Kisame-sama,

Happy birthday! While I wish I could be with you in person to shower you with love and affection, I hope you will accept these presents in my absence.

Always faithful,

Sakura

Kisame stared down at the letter he was reading, temporarily ignoring the two neatly wrapped boxes beside him. He and Itachi were currently resting on the porch of a small tea shop on their way to their next destination. It was odd Sakura's hawk had managed to find him at all, but that line of questioning didn't really matter to him. Kisame wasn't one for hiding his intentions so it was _possible_ someone had spotted him nearby and she guessed where he was going.

The hawk really only needed an approximate destination and a description of the target in order to deliver.

Still…

"Is she insane?" Kisame asked Itachi, completely serious.

"No more than you."

Kisame didn't know how to respond to that, so he sighed. He opened up the first package carefully, genuinely baffled and curious as to what was behind that odd girl's motives. Itachi said she was sincere in her affections, but _why_?

He was a thirty something year old missing nin from an enemy village, and she was, what, thirteen? He was more than twice her age. And, you know, _her enemy_.

Inside the first box was a beautifully decorated cake with the words _Happy Birthday, Kisame-sama_ written on them.

Kisame peered at the cake, noting its delectable smell. He couldn't smell any poison coming from it—not that it mattered much since he had acquired an impressive poison resistance from being a Kiri ANBU, and he had an assortment of antidotes in his bag—but that didn't mean it was safe.

He thought about simply throwing it out, but, well… where was the fun in that?

Deciding it might fun to try, he stuck his finger inside and pulled out a small piece. He licked it off his finger, and his eyes widened. "What the fuck, this is great? Itachi, you gotta try this."

Not knowing about Itachi's weakness to sweet food, Kisame held out his birthday cake. Itachi eyed it with a look of disdain for a moment before taking a small piece of it to try. He ate it thoughtfully. "It is acceptable."

"Acceptable my ass, this is fantastic! I'm going to see if I can get a fork for this, but first…" Kisame set aside his birthday cake and opened up the other box.

The first thing he saw was dark blue cloth that he pulled out. It was incredibly soft to the touch, and when he pulled it out entirely he realized it was a sweater that looked like it would fit him perfectly. He fingered the material for a couple more seconds, marveling at how soft and warm it felt.

He set that aside for a quick second to see what else was inside. There were two more sweaters, one black and the other gray with a sewn shark on the front of it. There were a couple hats, several pairs of socks, and—

"Oh, sweet," Kisame breathed out, reaching inside and pulling out a see-through box filled with delightful treats. "Wow, look at these Itachi."

Itachi definitely wanted to try some of those sweets, but wouldn't dare admit to such. "They look fine."

"Fine," Kisame repeated, "Fah! Here, you check all the food for poison. I'm gonna try on this sweater."

Kisame got up from his seat, and headed a bit off into the forest to change out. When he came back he found Itachi idly munching on some of the goodies inside, and a couple slices of his birthday cake already laid out for him. Kisame patted his incredibly soft sweater. "Fits perfectly."

"That is good," Itachi remarked. "There aren't many clothes that fit you."

"Yeah," Kisame admitted, looking down at the sweater. "This'll come in great when we go to those damn snowy mountains next week."

"Mm-hmm."

Kisame sat back down next to Itachi, a sliced up birthday cake in between them. "So… she was serious?"

"From what I could tell."

"Huh."

Itachi took a sip of his tea. "Indeed."

Kisame blinked, then tossed his partner a half-hearted glare. "Don't get the wrong idea, Itachi. Accepting this stuff doesn't mean she's won me over, or anything. I'd kill her in a heartbeat if she got in our way."

Itachi looked back at his partner, blinking once slowly. "I'm not here to judge."

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

Next year on his birthday Kisame was once again to surprised to find two more packages awaiting him. The first one had another birthday cake that was just as great as last year, and the second was filled with more handmade clothes, goodies, and a tiny little plush doll of himself in his Akatsuki uniform. There was even a Samehada attached to it.

Amused, Kisame decided that a thank you might not be so out of place this time.

The next post office they they passed by Kisame sent back the plush toy to one Sakura Haruno… except he signed his name on the Samehada along with a brief thank you.

Itachi only raised an eyebrow at the action, so Kisame snapped at him to shut up to which the Uchiha replied: "I'm not here to judge."

When Sakura received her gift, her scream of joy and delight along with her prompt fainting from being overly excited scared the living shit out of her roommates.

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

 **OHO BUT THE CHAPTER AIN'T OVER YET! Part two: BOY TOY!**

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

The trip to Sunagakure went by quickly. Tenzō, Kakashi, and I were able to move pretty quick, so we got there in under three days.

Unfortunately we still got there a tad too late.

At the entrance of Sunagakure was a plethora of armed guards, something completely out of the ordinary and causing us to approach them cautiously.

One of the guards recognized me—pink hair pays off—and shouted at someone in the back to get Baki.

When the tree of us reached the gates, the guards stopped us from entering and asked us to wait for Baki. I had a good feeling about what was going on, but I bit my inner cheek to keep from jumping the gun. THere was always the chance that something different played out, after all.

Baki came to us barely a few minutes later, pale, and anxious. Not that it was easy to tell because he was a professional and all, but I knew him well enough to spot the tells. Baki said, "The Akatsuki have come for Gaara. We cannot let you into the city until our Kazekage is retrieved."

"THen we'll go bring him back," I said, glancing over at Kakashi who gave a slow nod. "Don't worry. The Goggle Gods have blessed us."

"We'll head out immediately," Tenzō assured Baki. "If you would please send a message to Konoha for us?"

"Of course. Thank you—"

"Psh. I'd do anything for someone in my harem," I dismissed, turning on my heel and sprinting off.

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

Kakashi summoned his good puppies to track down the Akatsuki. Within eight hours of running we came across where Sasori, my Boy Toy, had completely bitch slapped Kankurō down.

I kneeled in front of Kankurō, gently touching his cheek as I sent in probing chakra.

A few minutes of silent examining and I had my conclusion. The answer actually came into my head without much thought, and I bit down on the tip of my thumb before I summoned Gedo and Doku.

~How may we assist?~ Gedo inquired gently.

"Gedo, please make an antidote combining recipes G and S. Doku, please make the poison for Boy Toy," I instructed, pulling out some packaged berries. "Then give the poison to Ibuse for him to mix up. Let him know I'll be summoning him in about five hours or so. Ah—but have him first prepare K Trap."

The salamanders nibbled on the berries given. Doku disappeared in a puff of smoke to make his poison, while Gedo hung around. It took her three minutes to mix up the concoction in her belly before she squirted it out into a glass tube from a single tooth on the roof of her mouth. She filled up the glass tube I held out for her before she took her leave.

"Alright puppet boy, time to take your medicine," I said to myself, pulling Kankurō up into my lap. I pulled out from my fanny pack a reach tube—what was used to make sure patients could take oral medicine without choking—and easily shoved it in. He gagged and reflexively struggled, but he was too weak to do much more than shudder and wheeze.

I poured the antidote down the tube, then pulled everything back out.

"Ta-da. He's all better now," I declared. "My beloved, won't you please summon Bull to carry this tired baby home?"

Kakashi made an acknowledging noise as he summoned Bull. "Should you prepare any extra antidotes?"

"Not necessary. I'm going to defeat Sasori within the first ten seconds."

"You aren't going to flood the area with Krait's Kiss, right?" Tenzō asked worriedly, undoubtedly recalling the time I accidentally bombed a civilian zone with the poison and we had to spend the next hour administering antidotes to seizing victims.

Whoops.

"No, no, that won't be needed," I reassured him. "In fact, nothing I use will affect the living so please be at ease."

"Is Sasori a zombie?" Kakashi asked, a part of him wondering why he wasn't surprised by that possibility.

"Yes and no."

"How?"

I only grinned in response.

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

Since we were definitely gonna make it to Gaara before the summoning was complete it was no surprise the Akatsuki sent out a clone of one of the members to slow us down.

Given who was pursuing Gaara (me!), it was obvious about who to send out to stop us.

Sadly for them they didn't realize the depth of my fangirl devotion.

"KISAME-SAMA!" I screamed with delight, sprinting headlong towards the greatest man to have ever existed in the history of forever. I threw my arms open, tears in my eyes.

"Hello, Sakura-chan," Kisame greeted cheerfully. "The cake was great, thanks."

I swooned, fanning myself with my hands. "Y-You like my cooking?"

"Yeah. Sweater fits good, too."

"I will make a hundred sweaters for you if you asked," I declared passionately, throwing myself at him and hugging him. He was too big to hug properly, and he was only a clone, _but still_.

"Sakura, can you try not to hug the Akatsuki?" Kakashi tiredly asked. Tenzō was rubbing his temple, trying to comprehend my level of absurdity.

"He's only with the Akatsuki for now," I dismissed, starting to nuzzle into his side.

 _That_ got some raised eyebrows from my companions.

Kisame absently patted my head. "You'll be good and stay here, won't you?"

I whimpered. "I can't. I have to save you!"

Kisame blinked. "Save _me_?"

"If I don't do this, then you commit suicide later," I told him. "I have to save my boy toy now, and Gaara, so I can save you later."

Kisame scratched his cheek. "I don't need saving, kiddo."

"It's okay to be a damsel in distress, honey," I soothed. "I'll be your prince charming."

Kisame laughed at that, picked me up off him. "You're funny. I'd hate to have to kill you, but if you aren't going to stay put—"

"All my best friends try to kill me at least once," I comforted him. "Kakashi tries to kill me on a daily basis. I won't hold it against you for trying to kill me, I promise."

"What a good sport you are."

"If you _do_ manage to kill me can I haunt you?"

"Sure, kiddo."

"You won't hold it against me if I stop you, right?" I asked him worriedly.

"Nah," Kisame said. "I'd be impressed if you did."

"Oh, good!"

I promptly substituted myself for a nearby log— _sorry for logging you, Kisame-sama!_ —and slammed my hand down onto the ground to summon Ibuse.

My Big Boy immediately belched out a thick white poison that covered the _entire_ area. It was thick enough I couldn't see in front of my face, but that didn't matter. It also stank like rotting flesh, but that was fine too.

When the smoke cleared—which took a solid three minutes given how dense it was despite the fact that we were outside—Kisame was frozen stiff and my fellow comrades were coughing.

"What was that?" Tenzō asked. "Do we need to take an antidote?"

"Not unless you're a corpse," I told him, approaching Kisame. "Sorry, Kisame-sama. This is a poison mostly comprised of saprotrophic fungi, and it applies through contact. Since you're not the real Kisame-sama and just a corpse being possessed by chakra…"

Kisame couldn't speak, so he settled for staring at me.

I apologized again. "I'm sorry. I promise I'll make it up to you later. Tell the others I said hi!"

I slit the clones throat to cancel the jutsu, and boy did that feel awkward.

With a sigh, I watched the clone dissolve away. "Silly Akatsuki. Don't they know I'd do anything for the betterment of those I love? Even if that means kicking some ass."

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

We eventually made it to our destination. It was in a secluded section with tall trees, big beautiful cliffs, and a running river that glistened with sparkling water. The Akatsuki, Sasori and Deidara, had kidnapped Gaara and brought him into a large cave prepared special for the extraction of Shukaku. The cave rested at the bottom of a large cliffside with a shallow river running in front of it.

Blocking the cave entrance was a massive boulder, bigger than my house, and a seal no bigger than my hand.

Of course it wasn't a simple seal, though, as Kakashi and Tenzō would soon realize.

"This is a five point seal—" Kakashi looked over at me. "Did you prepare for this?"

"I did," I admitted, summoning Shin. "Shin can disintegrate seals."

v- _How may I help, Sakura-sama?_ -v Shin inquired as he appeared.

I gestured towards the seal high atop the boulder and with a wag of his tail he walked up the boulder and placed a clawed hand on the seal. Since it was a pretty strong seal it'd take him at least half an hour to destroy.

"Get your stretches in, everyone!" I warned my teammates. "I'm going balls deep immediately."

"Or you could _not_ ," Tenzō suggested.

"How long have you known Sakura now?" Kakashi questioned, looking at Tenzō in disbelief.

"I can still hope that one day sanity will return to her," Tenzō pointed out.

"That's impossible."

"Nothing's impossible," I argued. "People would say a fifteen year old girl having a harem would be impossible, but I'm living proof."

"I try hard not to think about that little fact about you," Kakashi politely informed me.

"Why? I think it's great."

"You think _everything_ is great."

"That's not true—"

"He's right," Tenzō agreed, causing Kakashi to nod. "You would think the resurrection of Uchiha Madara was great."

"Well, _duh_. How is that not the best thing in the whole dang world?"

The two gave me a very, very tired look.

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

When Shin dissolved the seal he disappeared in a puff of smoke. I took a running start before I leapt up at the boulder, gathering a decent amount of chakra into my fist.

I slammed through the boulder, jumping in as the pieces fell to the ground. I greeted the Akatsuki with a big smile and a wave of my arms. "HI EVERYONE!"

The cave was massive on the inside, and completely dark. The only light filtering in was from the hole I only just made. Ten Akatsuki members—only two of them physically here with us in the cave—stood atop some rock formations, surrounding Gaara as they forcibly dragged out Shukaku's chakra.

"Goddamnit, Fish Face, fucking control your fangirl!" Hidan howled.

"Fangirl, please control yourself," Kisame deadpanned.

"I can't," I insisted, "I mean I see you and I just lose control."

"Sasori… Deidara…" Pein drawled out, "deal with them."

The sealing now disrupted—Gaara fell to the ground, unconscious—the Akatsuki holograms disappeared.

I summoned Ibuse promptly, and he bellowed out purple gas that filled up the whole cave. "Sorry for cheating, Sasori-chan!"

"You really think your lame poison is gonna work on me and Sasori-no-danna?" Deidara taunted through the poison, his voice coming through distorted. It sounded like he had equipped a breathing mask on. Which was pretty impressive how quickly he got it on.

"That's just rude. I know for a fact my poison is not lame," I brilliantly retorted, uncaringly marching through the smoke towards Sasori. "And I also know for a fact it already did work. Isn't that right, my sweet little boy toy?"

But of course Sasori couldn't move. This was a poison made _just_ for him that I had been working on for the past couple years.

The beautiful combination of necrotizing fasciitis (flesh eating bacteria), armillaria spp (honey mushroom), conium maculatum (hemlock), consolida subgenus (larkspur), and a whole bunch of other fun stuff.

Inventing poisons was fun!

Unfortunately for Sasori the poison was literally made to paralyze corpses made of flesh and wood. All of the main herbs had been mutated enough not to be harmful to live flesh, so it was fine for us to breathe in. But for Sasori?

By the time the poison cleared I had arrived at my destination: right in front of Sasori. Deidara's eyes were wide when he realized how close I had casually walked up. I gave Hiruko an affection pat on the cheek and winked at Deidara. "See? Not lame at all. I've already immobilized Sasori."

"H—"

"Now you're facing a poison mistress who out-poisoned your partner, and two S-Ranked Jōnin," I said cheerfully. "I think, if I were you, I'd run away now."

"As if you'd—"

"We won't stop you," I promised him. "We're only here for Sasori and Gaara. Fly away now, little sweetie, and tell Kisame-sama I said hi."

Deidara glowered at me, his cheeks flushing before he clicked his teeth and said, "I'm not about to leave my partner."

"You're so admirable," I complimented sincerely. "Ibuse?"

Ibuse leapt up from the ground underneath Sasori, eating him whole before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

Deidara only had a split second to stare at the spot where his partner used to be, before he leapt up into the air and summoned one of his clay birds.

We watched him soar away for a moment, Tenzō casually approaching me. "Why are we letting him go, again?"

"He needs to escape now so he can slow Duck-Butt down later," I explained. "Otherwise he gets to Itachi too soon and if that happens I can't always save them."

"We've eliminated one of the Akatsuki members and saved the Kazekage," Kakashi said, shoving his hands in his pockets, "without really expending much effort. Deidara is a volatile enemy with a very dangerous suicide jutsu. We want to avoid fighting him whenever possible."

"That, too."

"I guess I can't argue with Kakashi-senpai's logic," Tenzō allowed. "How's the Kazekage?"

"Let me see," I said cheerfully, skipping over to the cutie patootie that was Gaara. I squatted down beside him, probing his chakra with my own. There was a definite reaction from his chakra… and Shukaku's chakra. I grinned widely. "Oh, yay, we saved my Tsundere-Yandere!" This deserved a small round of applause, so I clapped for myself. "Yippee! Both are gonna be fine, but they'll definitely be tired for a couple weeks. Let's get 'em back to Sunagakure."

"Shukaku is still with him?" Kakashi questioned, frowning behind his mask. "Won't they come back for him?"

"No," I immediately answered. "They took enough for their silly plan. Poor, sweet, Shukaku… must have been very painful." I gently reached down and kissed Gaara's forehead, knowing Shukaku was still aware of what was going on outside of Gaara's body. "Don't worry, sweetheart, we'll keep you safe."

The trip back to Suna was uneventful, although we had a grand celebration upon returning. Gaara woke up halfway through the festivities and tiredly joined in. He thanked us in private, but I told him that was completely unnecessary because I would always have his back.

We had a great time, and then the following morning we headed back to Konoha, where I knew Naruto ought to be waiting for us.

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

Not that we got a chance to really visit Naruto when we got back since we got back around two in the morning. We dropped off our initial mission report at the office before heading home. Kimimaro was still awake and reading in the living room. The gentle boy gave us a tiny greeting before retreating back to his room. Tenzō and Kakashi headed off to bed (after taking a long bath—separately of course because they were party poopers).

I, on the other hand, stayed up in my kitchen.

Not because I wasn't tired and couldn't sleep. Not even because I was hungry.

I was waiting for someone.

So I got myself a cup of strong tea, took a seat, and patiently waited.

One hour, twenty-two minutes, and seventeen seconds later my guest arrived.

Sasori appeared in my kitchen between one blink and the next. He was still in his Akatsuki uniform, though.

The red-haired man looked around my kitchen before his gaze settled on me. His expression remained stoic even as he coldly said, " _You_."

"Me," I said in return, smiling sweetly at him. "Hello."

"Who are you, really? What game are you playing?" Sasori demanded, his voice coming out in a frosty growl.

"I'm Sakura Haruno," I introduced myself, "and I'm here to save your life."

" _What_?" he hissed out.

"I'm Sakura Haruno," I repeated, "and I'm here to save your life."

"I heard you the first time, you insane brat," Sasori snapped. "Are you delusional? I don't need saving—wh—where are we?"

"This is my kitchen." I gestured. "I'm here in my kitchen, and you… Well, you might be a bit harder to explain."

Sasori's eyes narrowed.

"Physically you're in the realm of the In Between, where the Salamanders live," I explained, "and they placed you in something called the Spirit Prison. You'll body will stay in a perfect stasis there while your spirit may join the Salamander Summoner: me."

I placed my head in my hands as I smiled at Sasori. "Don't worry. You'll be safe and sound there. I won't let anyone hurt you."

"You'll keep me captive against my will, though? What for? What do you want?" Gosh if looks could kill Sasori would have me dead ten times over.

"Only for a year," I reassured him. "I'm doing this to make sure you stay alive. I don't need anything from you, except your time."

"You honestly expect me to believe you?" Sasori demanded.

"No. But that doesn't matter," I dismissed. "I'll always do what I can for the people I love."

 _That_ got an incredulous look.

I blew him a kiss. "Welp. I'm off to bed, my boy toy. Love you!"

Ooo boy did he wanna kill me, judging by that delicious killing intent oozing off him.

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

And that's how I do a time skip.

The boy toy is back bay-beh! Let's give a warm round of applause for Sasori, the Best Boy Toy.

A couple things before I head off…

One – I'm closing my fanfiction inbox. The harassment was starting to get out of hand and FanFiction doesn't offer a good way to filter / block those kinds of messages, so I said fuck it and closed it. I will be keeping my tumblr open for all those who want to contact me.

Two – My first draft of my story is done! I hit 345 pages and right now it is currently being edited. I hope to have it ready for publishing in the spring. The first three chapters are posted on Wattpad, and all concept art for it is on my tumblr Magic-of-Dawn-Official.

 **Answer:** Mass Effect, actually. Andromeda got some ridiculous hate upon release over things that were fixed up soon enough. But the amount of hate it got from critics caused the company to stop updating the game for patches, DLC, sequels, etc… But the ME fanbase hasn't given up and fans are keeping the game alive by making their own patches, fixes, and updates for the game. The real fans of Mass Effect are keeping it going, and that says a lot. Side note: Dragon Age was a very close second, but they haven't had to literally keep the game alive on their own so…

 **Question:** What kind of story would you like to be a part of? Action? Romance? Who would you want to be? Villain, Hero, or the side character that gets his/her own happy ending? What would be your story's twist?

Reviews are **love**!


	19. Food Bribes

"My week:

Monday

Monday #2

Monday #3

Monday #4

Friday

Saturday

Pre-Monday"

-Anonymous

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto. I don't make money off this either.

 **Warning: P-A-R-O-D-Y**

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

The next morning I got to wake up to the beautiful face that was Sasori's. The puppet master had been at my bed, glaring with icy hatred upon my sleeping form, waiting for me to wake up.

"Good morning!" I chirped, smiling adoringly at him. "How was your night?"

"Filled with boredom," Sasori snapped. "You will rue the day you trapped me, you insufferable, petulant brat."

"I'll leave the T.V. on downstairs tonight then, okay?" I offered. "I'll purchase some audiobooks, too. If there's anything you want, let me know."

"I want my freedom."

"You'll get that in about a year," I dismissed, hopping out of my bed and pulling my shirt off. He made a disgusted noise at that, but refused to turn away. He was likely trying to show that he didn't give a flying hoot—which was very possible. "Ready for today? You'll get to meet one of my teammates and then we're gonna go on a super duper fun mission."

Sasori sneered. "Planning on kidnapping more people?"

"Always."

"You're insane."

"So I've been told."

I finished getting dressed and headed downstairs to make breakfast. Then I sensed a delightfully familiar chakra at my front door, and I hurried to let him inside.

"My child!" I squealed with delight, throwing myself at a sheepish Naruto. Naruto laughed, catching me and pulling me into a tight hug. "You're back? Do you want breakfast, honey?"

"Breakfast sounds great," Naruto chirped, pulling back. "How've you been?"

"Oh, you know. Worshiping the Goggle Gods, making everyone around me uncomfortable, standard stuff." I waved my hand dismissively. "Is Jiraiya with you?"

"Nah. Perv took off as soon as we got back." Naruto shoved his hands in his pockets. "Kakashi-sensei with you?"

"Yep. We live together still."

"He go insane, yet?"

"Not _yet_ ," Kakashi answered tiredly from behind me. "Naruto, come on in. We've gained a couple more roommates."

Naruto stepped inside, curious about who else had joined us.

"Kimimaro—you remember him, right?—lives downstairs now," I said, "but he's pretty shy so he doesn't like to come up often. He's also suffering from a lot of memory loss, so watch what you say around him. Don't mention anything about the snake fella."

Naruto was momentarily surprised by this, but nodded along. "O-kay."

"We also have a tree-baby—"

"Is this like your fur baby?"

"No, no. Although Brightheart does still live with us. Our tree baby is named Tenzō and—"

"I am _not_ your tree baby," Tenzō corrected, poking his head around the corner of the kitchen to glare at us. His glare softened when he looked over at Naruto. "I'm _Tenzō_. A friend of Kakashi's."

I made an offended noise. "But not mine?"

"Definitely not," Tenzō informed me.

"Aw," Naruto said, slinging an arm around my shoulder when I pouted at Tenzō's cruel words. "You don't need that jerk. I'll find you a million friends who are ten times better than he is."

I sniffled. "You're so good to me."

Naruto grinned brightly at me. "Yep! So how about some pizza?"

I laughed at that. "Okay. But once we're done eating we all gotta go to Tsunade. I have… some fun information to give her."

Tenzō and Kakashi groaned at that.

* * *

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* * *

Once everyone who was important in Tsunade's office—Tenzō, Kakashi, Naruto, Shizune, Tsunade, and myself—I decided to cut straight to the chase. "We have a chance to hunt down Orochimaru and bring Sasuke back."

The responses were immediate. Naruto's eyes were wide, while everyone else tensed and prepared for the rest of the information. Sasori snorted from the background.

"Sasori had a spy within Orochimaru's organization, and a rendezvous was scheduled," I continued.

From the ever so slight twitch from Sasori, I knew I caught his attention. If he were an emotional man he might have started yelling at me about how I knew that information. But Sasori was a careful man. It was starting to become clear he couldn't intimidate me, and the fact that I knew information only he and his spy ought to have known was bound to catch his interest.

"The thing is, the spy double crossed Sasori a long time ago," I said, ignoring the narrowing of Sasori's eyes. "Sasori had used a seal to control the spy's mind, but Orochimaru found the seal and broke it. Since y'know, Orochimaru and Sasori used to be partners in the Akatsuki, so Orochimaru knew what to look for."

Tsunade leaned forward on her desk, steepling her fingers together. "What are the chances of success on this mission?"

I shrugged, the answer spilling out of me with ease. "Around 25% for complete success. No chance of failure since I'm prepared, but there's a good 75% all parties escape. It's still important to make contact at this point because Sasuke requires some of my information in order to safely… _not_ kill his brother."

"We're going, right?" Naruto demanded. "We gotta save Sasuke!"

Tsunade and I continued to stare at one another, as she considered my information. The past couple of years had given her ample amount of evidence of how accurate I was.

As in I was literally never wrong before.

I wasn't entirely certain how she was handling all the information found under the office, in addition to my future knowledge, but I knew she trusted what I said. She wouldn't have accepted me as her apprentice, or appointed me as hospital second director if she didn't trust me.

Tsunade finally gave a slow nod. "Fine. Get ready to leave in an hour. Naruto, start packing. Sakura, Tenzō, Kakashi… all three of you stay."

Naruto was perturbed by having us stay, but he left without a fuss. He wasn't going to complain about getting a chance to rescue one of his friends, after all.

Tsunade leaned back in her chair. "Tell me everything that's going to happen, Sakura."

With ease, the answer came. "We're going to meet with Orochimaru, go back to his base, and then he is going to take Sasuke and leave. We will get to talk to Sasuke, but he will remain adamant in his pursuit of Itachi."

"Will the Akatsuki show up, or Danzō?"

"Akatsuki, no," I said, doing my best not to look at the extremely interested Sasori. "Danzō is going to insist that we fill our spot on the team with one of his ROOT members, but he is easily persuaded to our side."

"How easily?"

"Naruto can Therapy-no-Jutsu him after an hour of talking," I stated firmly. "If that fails, then I can do it myself."

"Will Danzō provide enough information to incriminate himself here?"

"No, but Orochimaru might be interested," I said, and then more words came out without my permission, "Since Danzō was the one who hired Orochimaru to kill Sarutobi."

Oh.

My.

God.

I gaped.

Tsunade was gaping at me.

Shizune gasped.

Tenzō stared at me in disbelief.

Kakashi was… well he remained largely unaffected but I knew he was equally as surprised as me.

I mean I knew that information already, but I didn't expect it to literally slip out.

"He _what_?" Tsunade howled, slamming her hands on her desk and utterly smashing it.

"Yeah," I said, "how else did you expect Orochimaru to get up to date security codes to slip through the barrier? His main spy was Kabuto, and Kabuto wouldn't have that kind of access. Orochimaru lost all his spies in the ANBU when Minato took over and did a purge."

Bits of killing intent started to leak off Tsunade, and Shizune was quick to try and soothe her, "It'll be okay, Tsunade-sama! We'll stop Danzō. We've already almost finished identifying all the ROOT agents."

' _Neato,_ ' I thought.

Tsunade took a deep breath, raising her head to glower at the three of us. "Kakashi, Tenzō, make damn sure that old shithead doesn't get Sakura. Sakura, you really think Orochimaru will give us evidence against Danzō?"

"Orochimaru already knows the complete list of all of Danzō's ROOT agents. He'd be delighted if we took care of them for him," I said with a shrug. "He also knows where all of Danzō's bases are."

"Get that information from Orochimaru whatever the cost," Tsunade ordered. "All of you are dismissed."

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

An hour later—Sasori had been giving me a _look_ the whole time, but refused to say anything—I was packed and ready to go at the entrance. Tenzō had been called back into Tsunade's office barely ten minutes after we left, so only Kakashi was with me when we arrived at the gate.

Naruto showed up shortly afterwards, a tan bag slung around his back, and his hands shoved into his pockets. "So… happy reunion?"

"Happy reunion," I said with a smile. "When we get back we'll have a proper welcome party for you."

"No strippers," Kakashi immediately denied. I opened my mouth to suggest something else, but Kakashi also added, "And you can't jump out of any cakes. Same for Anko."

"Ugh. Sour puss. Lucky I love you so dang much."

Kakashi shrugged, unrepentant. "Uh-huh."

Naruto scratched his cheek, his face scrunching up as he considered any suggestions for the party. "What about a pool party? That way Sakura still gets to admire some booties, and everyone loves pool parties."

This got a squeal from me, and a tired look from Kakashi. He said, " _No_. Stop encouraging her."

"I mean, I'm her best friend. If I don't enable her, what's the point?" Naruto asked, shrugging.

"To keep her from driving your favorite teacher insane," Kakashi suggested lightly.

"Nah. That sounds boring."

Our poor teacher sighed.

"Yo," Tenzō said, flickering over to join our group. Behind him was Sai, who smiled with fake politeness. "This is… Sai. Our new team member."

I waved at him. "Are you a boobs or butt kind of guy?"

Sai continued to smile. "Neither."

"Wait does that mean you like dick?" I asked. "Or nothing at all? Hmm. Oh, um., I'm Sakura! Nice to meet you. This is my son, Naruto."

Naruto didn't bat in an eye at the introduction, choosing instead to salute to Sai. "'Sup. I guess I'm her son, Naruto."

Sai blinked once at that, his smile dropping. "Hello. I am Sai."

"This is Kakashi. I'm his Butt Advocate," I introduced, gesturing towards Kakashi who accepted my title with a tired sigh.

"What's a Butt Advocate?" Sai questioned.

"It means I speak on behalf of his butt," I explained. "Because he has the best booty in the whole wide world, and humanity deserves to admire it."

"Run while you can," Kakashi advised Sai. "Far, far away."

"I don't believe that will be necessary," Sai said. "The ugly pink haired lady, and her son don't seem to pose much of a threat."

I made an offended noise while Naruto squawked and made a move to give Sai a good black eye. Kakashi easily held him back, though.

"I can tell this is gonna be fun," Tenzō said dryly.

I looked down at my attire: a long-sleeved red shirt with a wide enough collar to keep my shoulders exposed. I matched it with a pair of black leggings, knee-high boots that doubled as shin guards, and thick black gloves. "I don't think this looks ugly."

"You're beautiful Sakura. Don't listen to that freak," Naruto immediately consoled me, being the super supportive best friend that he was.

"Thanks, baby boy."

"This is only going to get weirder, isn't it?" Sasori muttered to himself.

I started to whistle innocently.

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

Tenzō was right about one thing: it was lots of fun.

Sai kept making remarks to bait Naruto, and Naruto fell for each one of them. It was getting more on Tenzō's nerves as time wore on—Kakashi and I didn't give a flying hoot because we were chill like that—and he finally broke down and ordered all of us to take a break at a luxurious hot spring in hopes of getting Naruto and Sai to get along.

He even made Naruto and Sai share a bedroom!

Obviously I got to back with Kakashi since he was my bodyguard. He did make me promise that if he bought me all the dessert I wanted I would keep my hands off him and his equipment for the rest of the mission.

Completely worth it. Those sweet dango sticks were _the bomb_.

An-y-whore Tenzō was about to lose his shit with all the bickering going on between Sai and Naruto so I decided to take pity and work my magic.

After I chugged down a buffet of dessert, of course.

"Hey, Naruto," I said, grabbing my friend and dragging him into his assigned room. "I need you to do me a favor."

"What's up?" Naruto asked.

"I need you to use Therapy-no-Jutsu on Sai," I told him, shoving him into the boys' shared bedroom.

"What? No way! He's a dick."

"He was forced to kill his own brother by an evil asshole called Danzō, and he's now on a mission to kill Sasuke. If you don't Therapy-no-Jutsu his bott and make him start to feel things again, then I'mma be forced to poison him," I said flippantly.

"What," Sasori deadpanned.

"I don't want to," Naruto whined.

"You're doing it," I told him, throwing him into the bedroom before heading back out to get Sai. "Don't even try dodging out of it, mister. That's the price you pay when you dump your plants on me and abandon me with no letters for _years_."

"I'm sorry!"

"Not yet you're not!"

"Please don't lock me in here with Sai!"

"It's happening," I sung, spotting Sai heading towards us from down the hall. I sprinted over to him, grabbed his arm, dragged him into the bedroom then slammed the door shut behind him. I promptly sat down on the hallway floor, and called out, "If either of you try to sneak out before everything is peachy I'll make you both trip _so_ hard you'll start stripping in the streets."

Naruto's groan of frustration was pretty funny.

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

Three hours, and a thoroughly destroyed room later, Sai confessed to working with ROOT by showing us his tongue tattoo.

"I-I didn't believe in Therapy-no-Jutsu," Tenzō apologized to Naruto afterwards.

"That's okay. Everyone doubts it at first," Naruto said, forgiving Tenzō for his heresy.

With Sai now on board he no longer kept trying to bait Naruto.

But he _did_ talk about dicks a lot. Namely Naruto's, but _whatever_ _floats your boat, honey_.

We got back on the road for another day, and when we reached the point where we were supposed to meet Orochimaru, Tenzō had us stop for a break to confirm the plan.

Ignoring Naruto's objection to the location, Tenzō used his wood style to summon up an empty wooden house.

We entered it, heading up the stairs and checking it out. Finally we settled on a room, dumping our stuff along the walls. Tenzō lit a candle and placed it in the center of the room, asking all of us to gather around.

"Alright, so give us the rundown again," Kakashi ordered.

I cleared my throat. "So we're going to be meeting a spy of Sasori's, who works for Orochimaru. Tenzō will have to mimic Sasori at first in order to get the drop on Sasori."

Tenzō said, "I have a file about him from Suna, but I need you to tell me his personality, speech pattern, gestures and mannerism, in as much detail as you can."

"Very well. Where to begin… Sasori is impatient. He _hates_ to keep people waiting, and he hates to be kept waiting. He repeatedly notes it, in fact. He's quite proud of his puppets—referring to them as the perfect art. Though I must admit, art _is_ eternal… Anyway… Sasori is rather indifferent in actuality, but while he hides inside of Hiruko he can come off a bit dry…" I then began to launch into a lengthy explanation for what I knew about Sasori.

It was actually quite a lot. Sasori was staring at me in complete horror when I got into his secret desire to be with his parents, and his bitter loneliness and whatnot. By the end of it, Naruto was even starting to sniffle and said, "I wish I had a chance to talk with him."

"O-kay then," Kakashi said slowly. "Thanks. I'm sure Tenzō got plenty of information."

Tenzō had a dead look in his eyes. "How much… how much do know about all of us?"

"You really have no privacy as long as I'm around," I admitted to him.

This made the tree baby groan and rub his forehead for a while. "Okay. _Whatever_. The strategy is simple. First scenario: I successfully restrain the target. Second scenario: if I fail at restraining the target and we fall into battle, you three get into battle formation. I will signal when to do this."

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

At noon two days later, we all gathered at the bridge. Naruto, Sai, Kakashi, and I crouched in the shadows of the forest at one end of the bridge. Sasori had drifted off in the center of the bridge.

On one end of the bridge was the spy, who slowly walked towards the middle.

At the other end, I could see Yamato—disguised as Hiruko—approaching.

I let out a soft sigh, preparing myself.

* * *

 **(** **｡◕‿‿◕｡** **)**

* * *

 **(Third Person POV – Sasori)**

Sasori drifted to the center, staring impassively at the spy.

Sasori was a little miffed, to say the least.

The fact that he had been outsmarted by a brat and forced prisoner, did not bode well with him. He had believed himself to be a clever man—he had to be in the business he ran. But to be outsmarted by a mere _child…_

And worse, his original plans of escaping were dashed by this prison that now held his physical body. Even if he killed her, it would only cause more harm than good. A nuisance, really.

Perhaps if Sasori had even heard of this prison, things would have been different. There was always a way to escape cells—it was simply a matter of finding the key. But how could Sasori hope to find a key, when he did not even understand the lock?

It was a vexation, truly.

But it would only require time and patience before he _did_ understand his lock and he found the key. While normally Sasori was not a patient man, he could be patient when needed. And this situation certainly required patience.

For the moment Sasori was free, he had the intentions of ridding himself and the world of this girl. His normally uncaring heart decided to make an exception for this situation. A strange thing indeed, when Sasori once again felt irritation.

Perhaps though, it was only because he was not physically attached to his body anymore that he could feel such things again? It was an interesting thought that would require further investigation.

However… Sasori allowed himself to be thankful that he was bound to this _..._ _girl_ and not rotting away in a prison. How dreadfully boring that would have been. At least while following her, she proved to be entertaining.

At least she did not grate on his nerves like his previous partner. No, she was not audacious and seemed inclined to think ahead. Something of which he was slightly pleased about. Had she been as bad as Deidara—or worse, _Tobi_ —Sasori wasn't quite sure what he would do.

Over all, it could have been worse, but not much.

And then there was how she knew things…

Sasori never told _anyone_ about his childhood, or his likes and dislikes. Even his wretched grandmother didn't know what foods he used to like, or what songs he enjoyed.

She was supposed to be Kisame's fangirl, why did she stalk Sasori to such an extent?

' _How can she see straight through him?_ '

How bothersome.

Sasori was pulled from his thoughts as he noticed the approaching spy and the approaching mimic of him.

It was a little odd to see himself walking towards him.

Finally, Hiruko had reached the spy, stopping before him.

"It's good to see you again, Sasori-sama," came the soft voice of the spy. The spy slowly turned around, revealing his face towards Sasori's imitation.

Kabuto, was the name of the spy if Sasori could recall. Which, naturally, he could.

"It's been five years, hasn't it?" Kabuto asked, his voice coming out slightly muffled from the harsh winds of the bridge.

"Were you followed?" the imitation asked.

"No, we're fine."

"How are you holding up?"

Sasori's eyes narrowed. A pointless question. Something in which he would have never bothered to ask. What difference did it make what the spy _felt_? Kabuto was merely a tool, used as his subordinate. What did it matter if he was ecstatic or depressed? His mimic was doing a poor job of imitating Sasori, even with all that bombardment of information Sakura gave him.

"I still feel a bit shaken from when your technique was released and remembering who I really am," Kabuto answered, seemingly thrown by the question. He shook his head. "My mind is a bit clouded, as well."

Preposterous. The mind seal placed inside the tool eliminated all doubt, all emotions, all hindrances into serving Sasori the moment it was released.

' _Was she correct about Orochimaru unraveling my mind seal?_ '

She was unnervingly right about everything else.

"I've got a few questions for you," the imitation began. Once again, Sasori had to restrain himself from shaking his head. He would never bother with introductory at such a meeting. This… _fake_ … was being far too polite. He did not understand Sasori at all.

"We don't have much time, please keep it brief."

A flash of annoyance raced through Sasori. How _dare_ a traitorous subordinate speak to him in such a manner! Even if it was to an imitation to him…

"I'm risking my life just by being here," Kabuto went on.

Had Sasori been able to do something at that moment, he would have killed Kabuto then and there.

Damn shame he couldn't.

"Tell me what you know about his hideouts, and Uchiha Sasuke."

Sasori shook his head in disgust. Why would he care about Uchiha? While having the Sharingan implanted in a puppet would be most useful, he had no intentions of going out of his way to hunt down a mere boy. It was hardly worth his effort. Furthermore, he already _knew_ where Orochimaru's bases were.

Did they honestly suspect that Kabuto was his _only_ spy inside Orochimaru? Granted, he was the closest spy to the former partner, but did they really believe Sasori so inane that he wouldn't come to the conclusion that he needed more spies?

' _Imbeciles_.'

Nevertheless, Kabuto answered the imitation, despite the wrongness of it all. "There are several hideouts. He switches from one location to the next each week to keep his whereabouts hidden. Of course, he has them in many countries, not just the his village land. Orochimaru's spies sneak in, set them up and manage them in his absence. But he makes use of many different methods to switch locations, so tracking him isn't easy."

"Where is he now?"

"Currently, he's concealed himself on an island in a northern lake and will move in three days."

Sasori's gaze snapped towards Kabuto.

That was incorrect information. Sasori knew Orochimaru's patterns for switching hideouts. At this point he would be residing in his hideout in Kusagakure, a few hours run from this very bridge. He would switch in _five_ days to his southern hideout, six days away from this bridge.

This spy was lying to him, on purpose.

Clouded mind… emotions… disrespect… and now lying.

Briefly, Sasori's mind wandered back to what that girl had said.

Had Sasori not been staring right at it, he would have said impossible.

Not only had Orochimaru destroyed his seal, but this spy was a _traitor._

For a moment, Sasori was overcome with the strong desire to murder the little vermin. He was overcome with frustration and resentment to how he couldn't. But it was only for a moment because Sasori did not allow such folly things to guide him.

Soon, he was calm again with mild irritation, mixed with curiosity.

How _had_ the girl known?

Curious, indeed.

Sasori's eyes flickered back towards the girl. She had hidden herself well, but Sasori knew where she was. He could feel her pulling him in softly, the same sensation he had felt the moment he realized he truly was bound to her for the time being.

It was annoying for the most part, but useful at times like this. His eyes flickered to hers and they locked. Green meeting brown.

Her eyes dance with amusement, and his reflected nothing.

She was _amused._ At his annoyance, no less.

The brat.

"Uchiha Sasuke is there as well," the useless ( _What good was a traitor?!_ ) spy finished, pulling Sasori's attention back towards him. "By the way…"

The arrogant little prick was interrupted from his statement, his gaze swinging over to a bush on the other side of the bridge. A brown rabbit hobbled out.

Sasori almost snorted.

"Oh? Just a rabbit?" The ex-subordinate murmured.

The expendable _boy_ turned back towards the imitation. "Anyway, about the matter you ordered me to look into—" Sasori resisted sighing aloud. He ordered no such thing. It was clear the unpurposed miscreant was merely trying to test the imitation.

"The body that Orochimaru transferred out of had protective wards surrounding it, so I was unable to obtain the cell samples you requested."

Cell samples? What good would _cell samples_ be of use to him? Sasori already knew the basics of Orochimaru's technique, and he was not interested in such fleshy and unstable jutsus. It did nothing to prolong his life and it showed no artistic value. Besides, he still had plenty of Orochimaru still stuck to some of his puppets swords.

"I see."

"If you would please, hurry up and give me the item," the _apostate_ said. "I can't afford to stay here any longer." He then had the gall to hold out his hand in expectation. "I'll be killed if he finds out I'm here with you."

"Fine."

The imitation then prepared to rush forward, pulling out a kunai in the process… only to stop right where he was.

Orochimaru appeared right behind the ignorant boy. A thick snake wrapped around the Sannin's waist, hissing at the imitator.

"Interesting conversation, mind if I join you?" Orochimaru smiled.

The incompetent boy jumped away from Orochimaru, landing in front of the imitator, taking up a guarding stance as if he actually intended to defend the imitator.

"Sasori-sama, if you hadn't drawn your kunai, I wouldn't have been able to dodge in time!" Abortive trash declared. As if Sasori would have wasted his time in saving its life.

"That outfit… it reminds me of the old days, Sasori," Orochimaru commented.

"You followed Kabuto?" the imitator inquired.

"Don't be rude, I thought I'd come and thank you. This child you sent me was truly a blessing. When I developed new techniques, I used to go through over a hundred test subjects for each one I created. But thanks to this boy's medical abilities, I was able to use the same subject over and over again."

"So glad to be of assistance," Sasori replied dryly, despite knowing his words fell in deaf ears.

"I had been running low on them recently, you see."

The unusable juvenile's right hand flickered blue with chakra. He held it up, his face set into determination—and then had the nerve to attack his imitator.

Even though it wasn't _actually_ Sasori, it was the principle of the matter.

A subordinate—ex or otherwise—should _never_ attack his master. Sasori didn't bother trying to reign in his moment of sheer annoyance at the situation.

The fake's disguise crumbled away and the man inside leapt back and away.

And that was when things got a little more interesting.

* * *

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* * *

 **(Sakura's POV)**

"I have an ever better idea," I said, walking across the bridge with a skip in my step. "How about we all take a nice lovely walk back to your base?"

Orochimaru's eyes lit up with amusement. "Oho? And why would I allow that?"

"Well, we could get ourselves all covered in blood, sweat, and dirt, and you'll be forced to retreat there," I said slowly, "because _you know_ you're dealing with the kyuubi jinchuuriki, a devoted fangirl who has had years to prepare to face you, two S-Ranked nin, and an artist with an odd obsession with dicks."

"Hm. That does sound like a hassle," Orochimaru commented on.

"Doesn't it? Then we'll follow you back to your base, which is exactly one kilometer away in that exact direction," I said, pointing to where exactly his base. "I mean it's a nice looking base, all surrounded by rocks that remind me a bit of what it would look like inside a stomach."

Kabuto's eyes widened at my knowledge, and he glared balefully at me. Orochimaru only had a smile that stretched a bit too wide on his face, and eyes that gleamed with unhidden curiosity.

Orochimaru casually asked me, "Were you prepared for me in the forest?"

"I was," I admitted honestly.

"Fascinating!" Orochimaru chortled. "Yes, yes… a pleasant walk there does sound rather nice, doesn't it? I'm sure Sasuke-kun has missed you all terribly."

I clapped my hands together and beamed. "Ri-ight? I mean how could he _not_ miss us? We're, like, amazing."

Orochimaru's lips twitched and he inclined his head. "Do try to keep up."

Then he took off at a speed that would definitely put me to my limits. I knew he could move a lot faster, but the fact that he chose to move at a speed we could keep up was oddly kind.

Or eccentric might be the better word. Kind was not a word I would normally describe Orochimaru.

"I am curious about something, though," Orochimaru drawled. "I'm sure you'll answer me honestly, Sakura-chan, since we're being… cooperative."

I saluted him. "Sure."

"How exactly do you know the future?"

This immediately caught Sasori's attention, too. The ghost of the puppet master stared at me intensely while I answered Orochimaru's question.

"I worship the Goggle Gods," I explained to him, "they grant me knowledge of the future."

Orochimaru genuinely wore an expression of surprise at that. "Goggle Gods? You know, I actually knew a fellow who had a stick that was blessed by what he claimed was the Goggle Gods."

I gasped. "The rainbow stick story! Then you met the High Priest, Obito?"

"I don't believe his name was Obito," Orochimaru disagreed, "but I don't know his real name, anyway. It's very interesting that you both mention such a curious name, though."

"Not at all. The Goggle Gods always watch over us," I said loyally. Then more words that did not belong to me came from my mouth, "They always visit me when I sleep."

"Truly remarkable."

"Why are you telling Orochimaru so much?" Naruto muttered beside me.

"Because he's going to help save the world," I answered him. "And say what you want about his experiments, but his research _has_ saved countless lives. He's invented more cures, procedures, and techniques than almost any iryo-nin—except Tsunade—that are still in use to this very day. Although his methods are unnecessarily cruel, in my opinion, but that doesn't make him any less of a genius scientist that deserves respect."

Orochimaru seemed pleased by my answer. "I've rarely encountered someone so civil. Why are with Konoha again?"

"Because my loved ones are there," I said with a shrug. "Besides, I don't really have room to judge you when I literally test painful poisons on people I face in battle. And have killed a lo-ot of people. Like a lot. Like I think I've lost count by this point."

"You're only at fifty-nine," Kakashi supplied for me.

"Oh, thanks," I said, smiling back at Kakashi with adoration. "You're keeping count for me?"

"Unintentional side effect," Kakashi said, tapping where his Sharingan was hidden.

"Fifty-nine," Orochimaru repeated, clicking his tongue, "so innocent still."

"Hey!" I protested, "I _so_ popped my kunoichi cherry, like, two years ago. I'm a hardened killer."

"A hardened killer with bubblegum pink hair?" Sai wondered.

"Don't mock the hair. Makes it easier for people to remember me _and_ it gives me main character plot armor," I said, tossing my long hair over my shoulder. "You can't kill someone with pink hair."

"Huh." Orochimaru blinked. "I've now realized I actually _haven't_ killed anyone with pink hair."

I gestured towards the snake Sannin. "See? Plot armor."

Naruto tugged on his bangs. "So should I dye my hair pink?"

"Nah. You can use Therapy-no-Jutsu, so that gives you plot armor."

"Sweet," Naruto said, nodding his head.

"Oh!" I remembered what was in my pack, and I reached around and pulled out a bento box. I held it out to Orochimaru. "I promised you lunch."

Orochimaru accepted the box, opening it up. "Oh? What's this?"

"Calzone, with some scones," I explained. "For, you know."

Orochimaru took a bite out of the calzone, entirely uncaring if it was poisoned or not. Given his hella strong resistance to poison it wouldn't have mattered anyway. "Not bad."

"Not _bad_?" Naruto repeated, incredulous. "Sakura makes the _best_ food in the world. Take that back."

Orochimaru took another bite out of the calzone, looked Naruto dead in the eye and said, " _Not. Bad_."

"Okay, he is _asking_ for ass kicking now."

"Now, now," I soothed. "We're almost at the base. Then you'll get to see Princess Duck-Butt again, and don't you want that?"

Naruto sighed. "Yeah…"

Sai blinked. "I was unaware Sasuke was a princess."

"He's just as melodramatic as one," I explained. "Plus all Uchiha are as pretty as princesses, so…"

Orochimaru nodding along to this. "Yes, I _have_ noticed his touch for the drama."

"Like _you_ have room to talk?" I questioned. "Or me for that matter, I guess."

"Perhaps it's merely the mark of a powerful shinobi?" Orochimaru guessed.

"That makes sense. All the strong ones are crazy in some aspect," I agreed. "We got Kakashi with his obsession over a twelve year old boy and girl, Naruto with ramen, me with booties, Sasuke with his vengeance… Yeah, I think it's safe to say all the strong ones are crazy."

"I—I don't have an _obsession_ with a twelve year old boy," Kakashi protested, aghast.

I gave him a look of plain disbelief.

Orochimaru finished his calzone and said, "Here we are. Welcome to my little abode. Kabuto, open the door."

Kabuto reluctantly did as he ordered, and Orochimaru escorted us through his base. We only had to walk for another few minutes before we reached Sasuke's assigned room.

Naruto kicked the door open. "TIME TO GO HOME, BASTARD."

I kicked the door that was now shattered to pieces on the floor because I also wanted a dramatic entrance. "YEAH. WHAT HE SAID."

Sasuke immediately got up from his seat, pulling out his katana and summoning his Sharingan.

"Hey now. Remember your promise not to kill me," I reminded him. "I've perfected my poison to make people strip and I am so not above bombarding you with that when you start your fight with Itachi."

Oh, _God_ , I lived for those death glares.

Orochimaru coughed into his hand, doing a piss poor job to hide his laugh. "Yes, well. I'll leave you all alone for a while. I'll come back for you later, Sasuke-kun. Try not to kill our guests."

With that, Orochimaru left us alone. I waited until his chakra signature was gone—damn he really was pretty arrogant leaving us alone. Not that I could blame him, all things considered—before I gave the all clear signal.

"How did you manage to convince Orochimaru to bring you in as _guests_?" Sasuke questioned, lowering his katana.

"By being nice," I said cheerily.

"And that actually _worked_?"

"Sure. I also used food, like I'm about to do with you." I pulled out another bento box from my pack and held it out to him. "Come with us and you get free food."

"No."

"But it's pizza!" I exclaimed, holding it up for Sasuke to see. "And I brought you a jar of my homemade marinara sauce."

Sasuke snorted disdainfully. "You cannot bribe people with food, Sakura."

"See, that's where you're wrong. I bribed Kakashi to let me buy _Icha Icha_ ," I told him proudly. "And he's starting to succumb to my bribes of food in exchange for getting to wear his shirts."

"You're giving into her?" Sasuke asked Kakashi, his lips twitching. "Is this the part where I congratulate you two now?"

" _No_ ," Kakashi denied strongly while I chirped, "Yeah!"

"Sasuke, you gotta come back with us," Naruto said firmly, folding his arms over his chest. "How can you stand to be with someone so obviously insane?"

Sasuke pointedly looked at me.

Naruto, clearly offended on my behalf, objected indigently, "Sakura's not insane!"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, and Tenzō coughed from behind us. I didn't have to see Kakashi's eye roll to know it was absolutely there.

"Putting a pin in _that_ discussion," I drawled out, "Naruto wants you to come home, Duck Butt. You wanna come home?"

"No. Not until I kill Itachi."

" _Then_ you'll come back?" Naruto pressed.

Sasuke pursed his lips, so I added my own incentive. "If you never come home I'm tearing down the district and putting a Goggle Gods temple that will double as a strip club. It'll be named Bakakashi."

" _What_?" Kakashi hissed out from behind. Tenzō started coughing heavily, struggling to hide his laughter.

"How are you not in a straight jacket?" Sasori wondered, sounding like he was honestly baffled I wasn't living in a padded room.

Sasuke's face cringed like he just bit into something sour. "You… You actually would, too."

"Something to think about," I said cheerfully. "Well, it looks like Duck Butt isn't ready to come home, yet, Naruto. Since you're his friend, you'd be supportive and wait for him, right?"

"Why you gotta put it like that, Sakura? Now I _have_ to wait for his stupid ass otherwise I'm a bad friend?" Naruto complained. "Urk. Fine. After you kill your brother if you aren't back home in three days I'm breaking your legs and dragging your dumb ass home."

"Okay," Sasuke agreed to, clearly not believing Naruto would be able to do that. "So you'll leave now?"

I took out a scroll from my bag and shoved it into Sasuke's hands. "Read that. Burn it when you're done. Probably best not to let Orochimaru read it."

"Got it," Sasuke said, tucking the scroll away. "Goodbye."

"Fuck you," Naruto said eloquently, huffing and stomping out the room.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist we take our leave now," Orochimaru remarked, stepping into the room, smiling with his usual kind-of-creepy smile. "The base will be self-destructing soon. If I were you guys… I'd run."

"Oh, fun." I walked out of the room, brushing past Orochimaru. I didn't miss the fact that he slipped a scroll in my hand, and I didn't comment on it.

Leaving the base was pretty easy. Even if Naruto was hella sulky about it, but by the time we made it back to Konoha he had perked up. Especially since I promised to bake him whatever cake he wanted.

Tenzō kept dropping so many hints at a baked Alaska that Naruto ended up deciding to give that one a try. The tree baby looked immensely satisfied with himself for successfully manipulating Naruto into picking out his favorite treat.

The trip back to Konoha was uneventful in comparison. Sai was still quiet, but he did express in interest in trying my food, so we invited him along for cake, too.

I sent Naruto off to shop for the supplies—with Sai, because poor baby needed some sunshine in his life—and I, along with Kakashi and Tenzō, headed off to Tsunade's office to give her the mission report.

I hopped through Tsunade's window, holding up a scroll proudly. "Here you go! The info you wanted for the gardening project."

Kakashi and Tenzō climbed in behind me, both curious about the scroll.

Tsunade's eyebrows rose. "That creep actually gave that to you?"

"The enemy of my enemy is my friend," I said with a shrug. "I hid a note asking about it in the bento I gave him, and he subtly handed this back to me afterwards."

Tsunade accepted the scroll, doing a cursory examination before opening it up. A quick scan had a wicked grin on her face. "It's actually here."

I gave her a thumbs up. "Yep!"

"Anything else I should know?"

"Hmmm… Can't think of anything else, yet. Unless… think we should have a pool party to welcome Naruto back?"

" _No_ ," Kakashi said passionately.

Tsunade's evil grin widened. "Actually, I do think that sounds like an excellent idea."

"Shit," Kakashi whispered in quiet despair. Tenzō patted Kakashi's shoulder in consolation.

* * *

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* * *

 **BONUS**

"Sasori no Danna was killed," Deidara grunted, his hologram turning its head to glare hatefully at Kisame. "By _your_ stupid fan, Kisame-san."

All eyes turned towards the unrepentant Kisame, who was definitely hiding the apology cake Sakura had sent him the very same day she won against Sasori.

Itachi had already eaten his half. Who knew he could be such a pig of sweet things?

Not that Kisame could blame him. Shit tasted great.

Kisame shrugged. "Whoops?"

"Can't you control her?" Deidara demanded. "I just lost my partner, yeah!?"

"How can I control her, exactly?" Kisame asked. "She clearly has no issues fighting me. What do you want me to do, kill her?"

"Yes!"

"Next time I'm in Konoha I'll be sure to do that," Kisame said dryly.

"Enough," Pein cut in. "Zetsu are you able to salvage Sasori's spy network?"

" **It will take a while,** but it can be done," Zetsu answered.

"Get it done," Pein ordered. "Kisame… try to control her."

"Yeah. I'll get right on that." If Pein noticed the sarcasm in Kisame's voice, he didn't comment on it.

"Dismissed."

As the holograms vanished, Kisame once again looked down at his last slice of sweet, sweet apology cake. He took a bite out of it, savoring its taste. "Man. I hope she takes the rest of those assholes, think she'll keep making these cakes?"

"Without a doubt," Itachi said, honestly hoping for the same thing.

* * *

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* * *

The switch from writing Rotted Rowan and then writing this, and then going back to RR is so disorienting. I wrote like ten sex jokes in Rotted Rowan's next chapter before I realized what I had done and had to re-write. *Facepalms*

Pulled a scene from the original story because it still held true. No reason to re-write something if I'd just write the exact same thing when I have copy-paste. : )

 **Answer:** Fantasy / Adventure with dragons in it! Specifically some kick-ass dragons that I'd get to become best friends with. I'd wanna be the main character because as stressful as that sounds, I think it'd be a lo-ot of fun.

 **Question:** Favorite AU? Like… Mafia!Naruto AU, or Villain!Deku AU, or Akatsuki-turned-into-cats!AU.

Reviews are **love**!


	20. Zombie Bois

"My room is not messy, it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit."

-Anonymous

 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Naruto!

 **Warning** : People die in this chapter. So… Beware of that.

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* * *

 **(HAKU)**

Haku was carrying a basket draped in pink cloth. It was a very feminine and pretty-looking basket, and if Haku was insecure he might have been uncomfortable carrying such a thing in public. But Haku didn't mind in the slightest. He was—as Sakura dubbed it—gender fluid, and was perfectly fine masquerading as a girl whenever he wanted to.

He liked cute things.

Although he _didn't_ like it when people stopped to stare at him on the street. He understood he was a "pretty boy" and he drew the gazes of both genders. That didn't mean he _enjoyed_ their looks. He couldn't help it if he was born with good genetics.

Which was why he was most comfortable wearing a mask.

But Mei had become increasingly insistent that he didn't hide his good looks, and should instead embrace them.

She might have only said this to convince him to dress up in a kimono, though.

Haku approached the Mizukage tower, heading past the guards on duty and giving a polite nod to the secretary. He headed up to the highest floor where he could already hear his master and Mei arguing.

"—and I told _you_ to stop dressing Haku up like a goddamn doll!" Zabuza snarled.

"He's adorable!" Mei shouted back. "Beautiful people ought to _embrace_ their blessings. It's for the betterment of the world."

" _In what way!?_ " Zabuza howled.

Haku cleared his throat politely when he entered the room. Zabuza had his hands on Mei's desk and was leaning over it. Mei was leaning forward as well, her face barely a few centimeters away from Zabuza. Both were red-faced, and when Haku announced his presence they abruptly jumped back.

 _Sakura-chan will be happy to hear about this,_ Haku thought. He held up the basket. "Sakura-chan sent a goody basket for Mei-sama."

Mei's entire face lit up like the sunrise. She had originally been skeptical of Sakura's delightful treats, but after seeing Zabuza and Haku wolf them down a few times she eventually gave in.

She was hooked instantly.

Mei _tried_ to persuade the Hokage to send Sakura with the Konoha delegation to work on their alliance, but Sakura was already going to Suna. It was unfortunate timing, but Mei was damn determined to convince Sakura to defect from Konoha and be her personal baker.

"I also have a note from Sakura for you," Haku went on. "She'd like to ask you to officially join her harem. In doing so, she will send a goody basket twice a month, along with the official harem clothing."

Clothing Haku proudly wore on his days off because they were extremely comfy. He caught Zabuza wearing the pajamas every now and then.

Mei thought for all of three seconds before she said, "Of course! Does she need my sizes?"

Haku recited Sakura's written response to that, "' _Everyone knows a goddesses' sizes_."

That made Mei giggle flirtatiously, while Zabuza made a scoffing noise.

"Goddess my ass," Zabuza grouched.

He wasn't able to dodge Mei's hands, and the Mizukage promptly through him out her window. She turned back to Haku and said with a smile, "Please let Sakura-chan know I'll gladly accept. I'll write a letter to her shortly, if you don't mind sending that along?"

Haku nodded shortly, happy with this outcome. "Of course. I'm sure Sakura-chan would be very happy to hear from you."

* * *

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* * *

 **(SAKURA)**

"Look," I cut in sharply, taking a seat at the table for breakfast the following morning, "if you want to keep talking about my boy's dick, you're gonna have to become his Dick Advocate. There is no other way. Otherwise Hina-chan is gonna kick your ass."

Sai didn't respond immediately, considering my argument.

Naruto was torn between wanting to vehemently reject the idea, and wanting to always enable my insanity. Kakashi and Tenzou were watching Naruto's inner conflict with no hidden amount of amusement.

"You know, Naruto," Kakashi casually slid in, "if _you_ asked her to not make you get a Dick Advocate then I bet she would. She's your _best friend_ , right?"

Naruto was sucking on his inner cheeks, glaring hatefully at Kakashi.

"But having a genital advocate is great," I persuaded him. "I mean, Kakashi's butt really appreciates all the work I do."

"I absolutely deny that with every fiber of my being," Kakashi informed me.

"You ignore your butt, you can't understand what it's saying," I dismissed. "Hear that? _Sakura-chan's the best and you should join her harem?_ I think that's what your booty wants."

Kakashi shook his head. "Are you officially asking me?"

"Nope. Not until I know for certain you'd join, and I know exactly when that will happen," I said with a wicked grin. "When the High Priest has descended from his retreat, and he joins my harem. You will follow him."

"Is the High Priest Deadpool or Obito?" Sai questioned. "I do not remember which one."

"Okay, so High Priest of Insanity is Deadpool," I explained, "but High Priest of the Goggle Gods is Obito. He has the Rainbow Stick story, and when I have proven my worth he will enlighten me."

Sai nodded, accepting this information. "And what are you?"

"I am the priestess who hears their stories," I answered. "And Kakashi's Butt Advocate who gets daily hugs."

"And if I were to become Naruto's Genital Advocate," Sai said slowly, ignoring how Naruto cringed, "would I be a part of this religion?"

"Why am I here," Sasori bemoaned, burying his face in his hands. My Boy Toy was finally starting to show the signs of cracking after listening to our wild conversations for the past few days. "Take me to T&I, please."

"You could become an acolyte," I offered Sai. "The Bakashi Temple hasn't been built, yet, though."

Kakashi made a groan of distaste at that, and Tenzou gave his senpai a consoling pat on the back.

Sai considered all of this.

"You can stop this, Naruto," Tenzou tried to persuade him. "Breakfast meals don't have to be about your little me."

Naruto looked over at Tenzou, then he looked Sai dead in the eye and said with a completely straight face, "Sai, will you be my Dick Advocate?"

Sai didn't hesitate. "Yes."

Kakashi and Tenzou moaned as I let out a whoop and high-fived my best friend. "See! That's why I love you the most!"

"I know," Naruto said, grinning. "But, uh, no offense Sai. I don't swing that way, so you're _just_ an advocate."

Sai nodded. "Yes, I understand. I am curious about the religion of the Goggle Gods, so I would like to pursue what it means to be an acolyte."

"Stop converting people," Tenzou scolded me.

"I can't help it if people wanna join the fun side," I said with a shrug. "Speaking of fun side… Kimimaro, sweetheart, you wanna join us?"

Kimimaro silently stood in the doorway of the kitchen, having come up from his room from the smell of a hot meal. He shifted his weight, uneasily looking around at us.

I patted the empty seat next to me, giving him a big warm smile. "C'mere. I promise we'll keep it clean now."

"Oh, sure, _for him_ ," Kakashi muttered.

"He is a precious little angel and deserves to be cherished," I said sternly. "Naruto, say hi to your brother from another mother."

"Hi brother from another mother," Naruto greeted him, waving. "C'mon. I'll tell you the story about how we saved a princess."

Kimimaro hesitantly took a seat in between Naruto and myself. "Okay."

Naruto gave him a big sunny smile. My best friend understood that Kimimaro's memories were jumbled up, and the dear was suffering from PTSD and general anxiety. Therapy definitely helped, but it was time to start establishing a social support network. I thought Naruto would be a good first friend (outside of me, because Kimimaro already acknowledged me as his caretaker and someone who cared deeply about him). He and Tenzou already had a tentative bond, and I hoped that after Kimimaro opened up a bit more to Naruto that he and Tenzou would officially become friends.

* * *

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* * *

I woke up that morning and I thought to myself: Today I wanted to be a guy.

So I went about binding my chest as tight as I could, swapping out my usual outfit for thick black pants and a red hoodie, and I pulled my hair into ponytail a bit like Itachi's.

My change in appearance wasn't commented on at breakfast, and only when everyone was gathered at our meeting point did Naruto ask, "What happened to your boobs?"

"I'm a boy today," I explained.

They stared at me in silence.

"Of all the things that could have been said, I'm glad it was that," Kakashi finally settled on.

"Does this mean you need a Dick Advocate?" Sai questioned, perfectly serious.

I considered this. "Hmm. I guess I _do_ need an imaginary Dick Advocate. You wanna volunteer?"

Sai nodded, accepting this noble task.

And that was that. Back to business!

"I thought we'd take a break from missions and focus on training for a while," Kakashi told us. "Specifically, I wanted Naruto to learn about nature change in chakra. Sakura, I know you probably need to work at the hospital."

"Righty-o," I confirmed. "Cool beans, then. While Naruto's sweating out here in this heat, I'll get to sew arms back on to dumbasses! Great day already."

That got a small snort out of Sasori, which made me beam like a sunrise.

"So," I said with a smile, "who's gonna be my escort?"

Kakashi and Tenzou exchanged _looks_. A silent argument was made between the two before Kakashi sighed and said, "I will. Tenzou will supervise Naruto's training."

I let out an eep of joy at that, launching myself at Kakashi for my daily joyous hug. The ex-ANBU captain accepted it with grim reluctance, and started walking towards the hospital, with me still clung onto him.

I didn't have to let go until we got there.

* * *

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* * *

Things fell into a comfortable routine for a week. Sasori was surprisingly entertained by my outrageous patients, and surgeries. He floated above most of the procedures and gave clipped remarks here and there, and he actually _chuckled_ when he saw the look of one of the patients when he realized what I'd have to do to treat him. He was equally amused when Anko and I got together and tormented whatever poor sap she "accidentally" poisoned.

He even suggested a few recipes that had me itching to try out.

What I'm trying to say is there is no better bonding technique than witnessing the sheer stupidity of some dummies.

And getting to relish the look on their faces when you pull out the big needles.

All too soon our routine was put on hold and our team was sent off on another mission.

Naruto, Naruto's Dick Advocate, Kakashi, and Kakashi's Butt Advocate.

Together again and ready to take on the world.

It was gonna be swell.

* * *

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* * *

"I get to use a new poison," I squealed out in delight, unable to stop myself from glancing over at Sasori with unhidden affection.

"Don't look so happy. It's merely a combination I wanted to try for myself," Sasori snapped back insistently. "Since your summons can procure ingredients with ease, the most rational thing to do was give you the recipe to try out."

"I love you," I told Sasori, and everyone in my team sighed and responded back with, "I know."

Except Naruto who perked up and said, "I love you, too!"

I clapped my hands excitedly. "This is gonna be great! Oooh, boy!"

It didn't take long to figure out which mission we were sent on. It was… drumroll, please… The Twelve Guardians Arc!

We were summoned to meet some monks near the Fire Temple. Canonically, when the other party would fail to show up Naruto would get separated from Team 7. He'd end up stumbling upon one of the four hidden tombs team 7 was asked to protect. There, Naruto meets Sora who mistakes Naruto for a grave robber and attacks him.

As it happens, the tombs end up getting raided by some Big Baddies. Namely Fudo, Fuka, Fuen, and their leader Furido. In canon team 7 kind of gets their ass handed to them by these filler villains, and Sai gets hospitalized. Sora has to replace Sai, and then the baddies end up creating a zombie apocalypse in Konoha!

The baddies obviously get defeated, though, and the zombies are taken care of.

Upon realizing all that was about to happen, I decided to fuck up the story line for shits and giggles.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom for, like, two hours," I told the group suddenly.

"Uh," came Kakashi. "What?"

"I'll be back in two hours. Meet ya'll at the temple."

"You can't go alone," Kakashi said flatly.

"I swear I'll be safe," I promised him. "But I just know I gotta go _now_. I promise I'll be back!"

"Just let her go," Naruto said. "We trust her, right?"

Kakashi hesitated. "… Sure."

"Have fun pooping," Sai politely informed me.

"Yeah, it'll be a blast," I said, skipping off into the forest.

Although I wasn't actually going to the bathroom (obviously).

Nope.

This was the Sora-Arc. Which meant that there were a bunch of grave robbers that were essentially free test subjects for my new poison.

And I just so happened to know where they would be gathering in fifteen minutes.

' _Tee-hee!'_

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

It didn't even taken me thirteen minutes to find where their leader, Furido, was. Having knowledge of the future was _such_ a cheat.

"WOO-HOO! I get to kill the main villain this time," I let out a big cheer at that. Kakashi got to kill the last two big baddies all by himself. Now, though? NOW IT'S MY TIME TO SHINE.

I couldn't stop myself from doing a little dance in place. The soon to be dead villain gave me a look of plain disdain. "You insane scum. You think you will so easily defeat me?"

I kept on dancing. "Oh, honey, I _know_ I will. Ibuse, my baby, show this plebeian my love."

Ibuse jumped out from the ground, bellowing out enough poison to cover the entire area. My dancing got a little bit more sporadic and happy as I hopped over toward the now seizing villain.

"It causes seizures?" Sasori observed with interest. "I would have thought it would lead to cardiac arrest."

"Oh, wow he's starting to foam at the mouth!" I exclaimed, pausing in my amazing dancing to examine him. "Ew, it stinks."

Sasori and I watched the poison do its work for another half an hour. The seizures stopped once he started bleeding out of his ears.

"Think it caused an aneurysm?" I asked Sasori. "Or do you think he drowned in his own fluids?"

"Hard to say without doing an autopsy," Sasori commented on.

I whipped out my bag of medical supplies. "Whelp. Let's remedy that. Ibuse, you're the best and I love you."

"You use that word to easily," Sasori told me.

"You underestimate my feelings," I returned.

* * *

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* * *

Man, I was having the luckiest mission ever. After I finished my autopsy of the big baddie, I ran into the last three e of the baddies and got to use the poison on them, too! They all had similar reactions to the first one, but they didn't last as long. I was positively gleeful at being to test out the new poison on so many _willing_ subjects, and all of their autopsies confirmed that the poison killed via aneurysms.

Which was surprising since we thought for sure it was supposed to induce a cardiac arrest and eventually stop the heart of the victim!

Oh, chemistry… how you fascinate me.

The results were enlightening enough that Sasori gave me several new recipes to try out—and he actually seemed almost _giddy_ about it too. Or about as giddy as stoic puppet could get.

I could tell, though. I could see the gleam in his eyes!

When I regrouped with my team—over an hour later—I had a big grin on my face and was carrying around a few corpse storage scrolls. "Hey everyone! Guess what adventure _I_ got to go on."

"A completely epic one?" Naruto asked. "Anything's better than the absolutely boring night we've been through."

"Actually, yes!" I chirped. "I killed all the bad guys for this mission. We can go home."

They stared at me for a few seconds.

"Okay, great," Kakashi said. "Got their corpses?"

"Yep," I said, patting the scrolls. "We can give them to the main monk then head back. No problem-o."

"Wow, this was really easy," Naruto remarked.

"It would be nice if all missions went this smoothly," Sai observed. "Is this the part where we give thanks to the Goggle Gods?"

"We do that while indulging on junk food at home."

With the Sora Arc out of the way all then the next part would be…

' _Zombie-Duo!'_

In just one week I'd get to add two more lovely individuals to my harem.

Gosh, I couldn't wait.

' _I better get the ingredients for my apology cakes for Kisame-sama and Itachi.'_

' _Oh. And I better talk to Anko about Jashin again, make sure she's still interested.'_

* * *

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* * *

With Tsunade's help, we were able to pinpoint the location that the Akatsuki duo would be heading to submit the monk's bounty. Asuma's original team would still head out there—and we would send search party to all the other points—because we didn't want to let on to how much we knew.

Especially since Project Uproot (ba-dum- _tss…_ heh-heh) has begun. With Orochimaru's list of compromised agents, Jiraiya was rushed back into the village (secretly, so not even Naruto knew) and Tenzou was put back into ANBU temporarily. I didn't know all the details, but I knew the two of them were slowly kidnapping ROOT members, releasing them of Danzō's seals, and giving them to the clean T&I agents to either rehabilitate or… take care of.

Officially they were being sent out on long term missions by Tsunade. It wouldn't draw too much attention from Danzō for a while, at least.

When more than half the ROOT members have been taken care of, Tsunade would move in to capture Danzō herself.

I hoped that would line up with my reunion with Sasuke and Itachi.

It'd definitely help Sasuke's mentality if _he_ got to kill Danzō.

An-y-way so we would send out hunting teams to each base to show we didn't know what was going on. And we weren't gonna tell Asuma's group what was happening.

Nah, no need.

Because _I'd_ be tagging along in secret.

It was gonna be _great_.

* * *

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* * *

 **(KAKUZU)**

Everything was going great.

He submitted a hefty bounty on some monk, and was about to get himself another cash in with this new bounty.

Hidan was about to win against Asuma, and not a moment too soon since Kakuzu was getting bored of dealing with the worthless Konoha shinobi with him.

And then things took a turn toward shitty.

Kakuzu felt the ground rumble before he noticed the oncoming chakra signature from below. He leaped back and away, dropping his hostages and watching the ground with narrowed eyes.

His moronic partner didn't even notice until his ritual circle was effectively destroyed as a massive salamander leaped up from the ground. On top of it was—

' _Kisame's fangirl?'_ Kakuzu thought with disbelief.

The pinkette was laughing maniacally, flipping off her summon as Hidan fell flat on his ass, his jutsu canceled out. "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

The salamander's tongue lashed out and wrapped around the bounty that was only a split second away from being Hidan's next victim. Asuma let out a surprised grunt, and then the salamander swallowed him whole before doing the same thing to the other shinobi.

Kakuzu snarled to himself, realizing what was about to happen and dashed towards the salamander.

The kunoichi slapped her hands onto the ground and a massive wall rose up in between Kakuzu and her summon, her laughter rising up to a higher pitch and becoming positively gleeful. Kakuzu immediately destroyed the wall, but it was too late and the salamander was gone… along with his bounty.

"WHO—W—Wait a minute! You're fishface's girlfriend!" Hidan realized, pointing an accusatory finger towards her.

She blew him a kiss, sauntering over to him and extending her hand as an offer to help him.

His idiot partner actually _accepted_ the offer and she easily lifted him onto her feet. "That's right, darling. I'm Sakura, priestess of the Goggle Gods and acolyte of Jashin-sama."

' _What?'_ Kakuzu thought. ' _Oh, no, don't tell me—'_

Hidan's face lit up like a firework. "What? No fucking way!"

"Way," Sakura reassured him, turning around and lifting up her shirt to show him something on her back. "See? I got the mark."

"Holy fuck! What the hell are you doing in Konoha?" Hidan laughed.

"I'm still under service with the Goggle Gods, which requires me to be in Konoha," she explained to him, ignoring Kakuzu's blatant killing intent being focused on her. "Under Jashin-sama's fifth commandment—"

"Acceptance of shared religions can hold equal value," Hidan finished, grinning like mad. "No fucking way. I thought I was the last after the temple got destroyed."

She shook her head. "Oh, no. I'm actually trying to convince T&I to set up an altar. I've got one potential new convert named Anko."

"Kakuzu, we gotta go to Konoha," Hidan insisted.

"Absolutely _not_ ," Kakuzu hissed out. "We're wanted by Konoha."

Sakura nodded. "Sorry, Hidan. I'm working with Konoha to get that fixed, but you'll have to wait a few months."

"Feh. Oi! You owe me a sacrifice," Hidan told her. "Not cool messing with mine."

"I'll bring you dozens of sacrifices if you allow me to help you," Sakura promised, her lips stretching into a mischievous smile. "I do hope you'll both forgive me for what I'm about to do, though." That instantly had Kakuzu back on guard. "I'm going to have to invoke the right of the eighth _amendment_."

Hidan's face screwed up. "What? The religion isn't about to die out, why—"

"You're our last high priest," Sakura pointed out. "I have to keep you safe… no matter what."

"Uh—"

His dumbass partner straight up didn't doge her senbon that dug straight into his arm. There was a twitch, then he was down for the count. Kakuzu attempted to move away but then—

There was a Chi-fucking-dori straight through Kakuzu's heart, and he could feel the pin-prick of another needle. Poison flooded through his system, effectively rendering him unconscious in seconds.

' _Stupid. Fucking. Fangirls.'_

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

 **(KISAME & ITACHI)**

Kisame and Itachi were staring down at two neatly wrapped cake boxes. There was another package that they knew would contain hand-knitted apparel, and likely more mini treats.

They knew what the boxes meant since it wasn't either of their birthdays.

' _Who did she take?'_ Kisame asked himself. ' _Deidara? Tobi? Kakuzu? Hidan? Maybe Zetsu?'_

Itachi was hoping that she grabbed the zombie duo. It would make the cakes taste all the sweeter.

"How did she know we would be in Amegakure?" Kisame wondered out loud.

' _She can see into the future?'_ Itachi guessed privately. "Hn. Intuitive leap?"

"You don't think she knows this is our headquarters?" Kisame asked, a worried tone only barely noticeable in his voice.

Itachi could understand his concern. If she did know this was the Akatsuki home base—and Itachi would bet all the dango in the world she did—then the Akatsuki would have to hunt her down before she spread that knowledge.

Neither of them wanted to do that.

"Unlikely," Itachi lied. "It is more probable that a merchant from outside of Ame recognized us and spread the word. You know Konoha is on the hunt for anyone with clouds. She might have sent the cakes to Ame, thinking we would stop to rest. It is doubtful she would realize what Ame could really mean."

Kisame relaxed. "Oh. Yeah, you're right. I guess we should open these up, then?"

Itachi nodded, and the two opened the prettily wrapped boxes.

The first cake read: SORRY FOR TAKING KAKUZU. GILF IS NOT HAPPY.

The second cake read: NOT SORRY FOR TAKING HIDAN. KINKY BOY IS FUNNY.

Clearly, neither of them showed visible signs of relief at who she had taken, but both were _definitely_ happy about it.

"Gosh. What a shame," Kisame said, entirely not meaning it. "Better not let these cakes go to waste, though."

Itachi was already cutting them up. The Kakuzu cake was a dark chocolate, with Hidan being vanilla with a strawberry mouse at the center. He served a slice of each for himself and Kisame, and slowly took the first bite.

 _Divine._

"How much longer until she's an adult?" Kisame asked his partner, savoring each bite.

"Two years," Itachi answered.

"What are the chances that we could save up enough money in that time to get her to open a bakery shop?" Kisame asked, dead serious.

Itachi thought that was the most brilliant idea his partner had ever had. "We will begin taking bounties in earnest starting tomorrow."

"What's going on?" Deidara asked, entering the kitchen. "Cake? What, is it someone's birthday, yeah?"

Kisame and Itachi did not answer, both pointedly not looking Deidara in the eye.

Deidara read the messages on the cake, and he put two and two together.

His face twisted into anger. "What the fuck, yeah?! Cake! This better not be from that crazy bitch that took my partner, yeah!"

Kisame and Itachi didn't want to answer that question.

" _SHE MADE APOLOGY CAKES FOR KIDNAPPING THEM?!_ Don't tell me she made one for Sasori-no-danna and you—YOU ATE HIS APOLOGY CAKE, YEAH?!"

Itachi decided to act swiftly. Faster than Deidara could move, he forced a piece of Hidan's apology cake into Deidara's mouth. The red-faced young man bit down on it, and the moment he tasted it—

Clarity washed over his face. He chewed it slowly, swallowed, his anger now entirely gone.

Deidara considered his next words. "Well, if she's _already_ taken them, better not let this cake go to waste, yeah?"

Kisame offered him a couple slices, and the Akatsuki member silently accepted them.

He had now joined them in their agreement that these cakes were the best damn things in the world.

"Think she'll take Tobi?" Deidara asked hopefully.

"It's only a matter of time," Itachi reassured him.

"What is going on?" Konan inquired coldly, entering the kitchen. The three men froze, all of them looking away and refusing to meet her gaze.

She also put two and two together.

But before she could begin maiming them, Itachi shoved a piece of cake in her mouth.

Clarity washed over her face. She chewed it slowly, swallowed, her anger now entirely gone.

Silence fell into the kitchen as Konan promptly took four slices of the cake, and left

"So we're gonna take some bounties to save up and get a bakery shop for Sakura," Kisame told Deidara. "Want in?"

" _Yes!_ "

* * *

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* * *

Next up is Sanbi. Might do a movie to stretch out the story since I'm moving so quick. I'm thinking the one with the guy stealing kekkei genkais because I haven't done that one yet I think. If ya'll wanna suggest any Shippuden Fillers to do, feel free to do so.

 **Answer:** I like heroes turned villains AU, like evil!naruto or evil!izuku. I haven't found any good evil!izuku fanfictions though sadly. :'(

 **Question:** If you could be a magical plant, what would you be called and what magical properties would you have?

Reviews are **love**!


	21. Enter GILF

**"I've never been in love, but I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food."**

 **-Zach Galifianakis**

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto. The genius Kishimoto owns Naruto, and I'm simply having fun with his delightful world.

 **Warning:** Parody. Parody. Parody.

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

Dear Yukie,

I've added a GIFL and a Jashinist to my harem now. How neato is that? I'm glad the movie shoot is going well for you, and I do hope you'll be able to convince the director to a side tour in Konoha. I'll bake you **all** the sweets, and give you a grand tour.

With love,

Sakura

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

Dear Gaara,

B

R

U

H

With love,

Sakura

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

Hidan woke up with a pounding headache and blurred vision. He clutched at his head, blinking rapidly clear away the spots. It still took several minutes before both subsided and he was able to look around his surroundings.

He was _definitely_ in a cell.

Not a bad one, like he would have expected. He was in a decently comfortable bed—and he noticed there was a tray of food at his bedside—with a clean floor. Opposite of his bed was a cozy chair, complete with a lamp. There was a doorway beside the chair that Hidan could see housed the bathroom.

It was definitely the nicest cell Hidan had ever been in.

It also begged the question of what the heck that acolyte had been thinking.

He could _kind of_ see where she was coming from. He was the last High Priest of Jashin-sama, and if he died then the religion would come to an abrupt end. He had hoped while working with the Akatsuki he would find a suitable village to start up his temple and begin indoctrination, but he hadn't found the right spot, yet.

But there was already an acolyte in Konoha?

' _How did she receive the marking?'_ Hidan wondered. The blessing of Jashin-sama wasn't some ordinary tattoo one got on a drunk night. It was a permanent mark on one's spiritual chakra. The only way she could have received such a thing was if Jashin-sama had personally blessed her.

Hidan remembered Jahsin-sama saving him when he was younger. He remembered Jashin-sama bestowing his blessing on him, and Hidan had received a form of immortality. He could die through starvation or chakra depletion, but everything else would eventually heal. His marking—the triangle and circle—was a symbol of this specific kind of blessing.

Sakura, on the other hand, had the blessing of fire.

It was exciting, when Hidan thought about it, that someone else had _personally_ received Jashin-sama's blessing. Not everyone in the religion was blessed such an honor, after all. Most members of the religion marked themselves with the circle and star symbol.

If he hadn't personally seen the marking—and felt the chakra signature from it—he would have thought it a complete hoax.

But no, it was true.

' _Another Blessed,'_ Hidan thought, a big grin on his face. ' _What's the gift of fire again? Something about a bird.'_

There were over a hundred types of blessing, and Hidan had memorized all of them, but it took him awhile to remember the more obscure forms of blessing. Some of the common ones were: Water (increased regenerative, and immunity to sickness and disease), Seer (knowledge of the future, but it was usually very constricting), Life (the ability to cure disease and sickness in others), Hex (the ability to curse enemies of Jashin-sama for several generations), and Lust (mind control over the opposite sex).

Hidan wracked his brain for several seconds until he remembered what Fire meant.

' _Fire, the symbol of a flame, and—'_

His cell door swung open, and a pretty damn hot woman strode in with a leer on her face. "Hello, _boy_."

Hidan smirked. "Oh? I didn't realize Konoha hired _services_ for prisoners."

"I'm too expensive for that," the woman purred. "No, I'm here for something else, sweet little boy. I'm Anko, Sakura's disciple for Jashin-sama. I'm here to talk to you about Jashinism."

' _Oh, hell yeah!'_ Hidan cheered inwardly, more than excited to finally have a disciple. "You've come to the right man. I'm Hidan, High Priest of Jashin-sama."

Anko nodded as if she already knew this. Since she was the Fire's disciple, she probably did.

"When we're done here, if all goes well, we may have a few more recruits," Anko said breezily. "And some sacrifices, of course."

Hidan's grin kept getting wider. "Fuck yeah."

* * *

( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)

* * *

"Welcome to the club, GILF," I greeted with glee as soon as Kakuzu appeared. The miser immediately glared hatefully at me before he noticed the resigned Sasori beside me.

"Sasori?" Kakuzu asked, incredulous. "We thought you were dead."

"I wish," Sasori deadpanned. "We have both been captured by this insane woman, though."

"I thought you were having fun," I said, tilting my head. "Didn't you like seeing how the different kinds of poisons killed our enemies in slow, painful deaths?"

"That was merely an academic curiosity," Sasori insisted. "I do _not_ enjoy spending time with you."

"Okay, Tsundere-chan."

Sasori's face twitched, and his hands clenched into fists. "I will make you rue the day you were born, you insufferable _brat_."

"You're such a cute boy toy," I mercilessly teased, then looked over at Kakuzu with a wink. "You seem a little confused, honey. Want me to explain it all to you?"

"Don't," Sasori warned Kakuzu. "She'll only spin tales of madness."

"Come now. Surely you can trust me by now?" I asked, tilting my head. "You know I love you."

"Stop saying that," Sasori grouched, turning to address Kakuzu. "Do you understand now? She's delusional."

Kakuzu was giving me the stink eye. "I hope you're prepared for hell, _brat_."

"Mmm. I'll pass on that, thanks though." I noticed a signature moving toward us, so I abruptly held up a finger to my lips. Both men immediately fell silent, and in the next minute Kimimaro entered the kitchen. The sweet boy looked surprised to see me, and he shyly averted my gaze. "Good… evening, Sakura-san."

"Good evening, Kimi-chan," I cooed, smiling brightly. "What did I say about calling me Sakura-san?"

"Not to." Kimimaro shifted his weight awkwardly, his eyes fixed firmly on the ground.

He reminded me of a shy little boy. It made sense, since all his memories pertaining to Orochimaru were sealed away, and he's known Orochimaru since he was a child.

' _Is this the kind of person he would be if Orochimaru hadn't taken him in?'_ I thought. I didn't have anything against Orochimaru personally, but I had to acknowledge he _was_ a villain. He did some pretty hanky stuff, and it would stand to reason that anyone in prolonged contact with him would grow a rather _twisted_ mindset.

I thought that was a shame. It'd be nice if Orochimaru could be himself without harming, or manipulating others.

' _In a perfect world,'_ I mused, standing up from my seat and beaming at Kimimaro. "Why don't you have some cookies with me? They're still warm."

Kimimaro gave me a sweet smile. "Okay. Thank you."

I reached out and affectionately patted the top of his head. "Of course."

* * *

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* * *

I headed out to my shift at the hospital, my personal peanut gallery behind me. It was only supposed to be a twelve hour shift, but it ended up stretching to twenty hours because a whole bunch of ANBU stumbled into my office with some gnarly wounds.

Sasori and Kakuzu found it absolutely _fascinating_ to watch me perform surgery on an Aburame ANBU.

It was definitely _interesting_.

Thankfully both of my _boos_ (heh-heh, get it? 'Cause they're like _ghosts_?) found surgeries as fun as I did. Both loved learning about anatomy, and Kakuzu was able to join in on one of my favorite debates with Sasori (what the ultimate poison would be).

The whole shift flew by in a blink of an eye, and I stumbled home—Tenzou was my reluctant escort—with a happy smile.

A tired smile, but a happy one.

When I woke up, I was only a little surprised to find Naruto curled up in bed with me, using me as a body pillow and snoring.

I patted my friend's head. "Morning son of mine."

Naruto snorted before he yawned, blinking his eyes open. "Oh. Morining."

"I don't mind being your cuddle buddy, but what's going on?"

Naruto sighed. "I was going to ask Hinata-chan out, but she's been away on a mission. I wanted to talk to you, but you were asleep, so I decided to sleep, too."

"Makes perfect sense," I said, nodding my head. "Welp. I'm up now, wanna get some food?"

"Have I _ever_ refused food?"

"Nope. That's why you're my spirit son." I patted his cheek, then started to change outta my pajamas. Naruto politely looked away, and grabbed his orange jacket. The two of us headed downstairs, where Kakashi, Tenzou, and Kimimaro were eating lunch.

Naruto gave them a jovial wave. "Morning!"

"It's noon," Tenzou said, shaking his head. "You two need to hurry up and eat, Tsunade-sama requested you."

"Only us?" I asked, tilting my head in surprise at that. "What about you and Kakashi?"  
"We've been assigned to a different mission," Kakashi responded, picking up his plate and beginning to clean it in the kitchen sink.

I whined at that. "But we're meant to be together forever."

"What a shame," Kakashi deadpanned.

* * *

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* * *

We entered Tsunade's office to find Lee and Neji already waiting for us. My eyes narrowed in suspicion at that and I asked, "Don't tell me you're trying to replace my perfect butt sensei with these two? I can't ogle at them!"

"You'll be fine," Tsunade dismissed with a cheeky grin. "Kakashi is needed elsewhere. He and Gai will be heading out to the front lines."

"Front lines? We're at _war_?" My eyes widened in surprise. "Is it from flying shinobi or stone?"

"Stone," Tsunade said slowly, narrowing her eyes. "What's this about flying shinobi?"

"Oh. Some butt-hurt Uzumaki will revive the flying shinobi people and they'll air raid Konoha," I answered. "It's no big deal."

"Sounds like a big deal to me. Know where they are?"

"Ehh…" I scratched my head. "Off the coast. They're in pretty big ships. I don't know much about their movements before the air raid, sorry. I can't sketch some pictures of the evil jerk face, though."

"Please."

Neji cleared his throat. "The mission, Tsunade-sama?"

Tsunade sat back in her chair, folding her hands together. "It's a VIP escort mission. You need to take a priestess to a shrine in the Land of Swamps to seal away the demon controlling the Ghost Army—the stone army that has emerged and begun attacking all lands. I'm guessing the Goggle Gods have information on this?"

I gave her a thumbs up. "Oh heck yeah. This will be an easy one."

"Sweet," Naruto declared. "Let's finish this up and have my pool party."

Neji sighed, giving me a weary look. "What do the… _Goggle Gods_ know?"

"I'll write up a report on the all the baddies we'll be facing. Their poison resistance is practically nonexistent, so this will give me a perfect chance to try out some of the _fun_ stuff! We should also prepare some _heavy_ explosives to take out a bunch of puppet soldiers," I told my team, giving a pointed look at Naruto.

Naruto beamed. "Alright! Then I'll make up a bunch of _big_ explosive tags."

"Naruto, you can make explosive tags?" Lee asked, eyes bright.

"Yep! Been learning fuinjutsu under the Super Pervert for the past few years," Naruto declared proudly. "Gotta say, I'm not too bad at it. And by that I mean I'm totally a bad ass."

"That's my boy," I crowd, then clapped my hands together. "Ooo. Can you make me colored explosive tags? Like stuff that will explode in rainbows, or red, or Kisame-sama's blue?"

Naruto rubbed his chin as he thought. "Hmm. Yeah, I think so. Do you all mind waiting for a few hours while I make up the tags?"

"That's fine. Let's meet at the gate at seventeen hundred, we'll travel through the night."

"Yosh!" Lee declared for us.

* * *

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* * *

Naruto and I headed back home and set to work. Naruto borrowed my bedroom to work on his tags—and Kimimaro joined him, out of curiosity—while I started brewing poisons and antidotes alongside Gedo and Doku.

"If you're dealing with morons that rely on super-powered chakra, you should use a poison that targets chakra," Sasori suggested.

I nodded, agreeing with this and turned to Kakuzu, who looked like he wanted to say something. "Yes, dear?"

"You can truly brew _any_ poison?" Kakuzu asked, gesturing toward Gedo and Doku.

"Yep."

"Ever heard of Black Death?" Kakuzu asked, and Sasori's face lit up like the fourth of July in America. No, like a little kid who was just told he could have all the toys in the toy store on Christmas. Boy Toy was _happy_.

"No?" I asked, curious about why two grown men seemed like they were about to explode from fanboying.

"Do you know how to make it?" Sasori demanded of Kakuzu, a bright gleam in his eyes.

"I do, but it was too complicated to make a successful batch," Kakuzu answered, glancing over at Doku excitedly—or as excitedly as a grumpy old miser could get.

"What's the Black Death?" I asked.

" _The_ most vile poison in the history of poisons," Sasori responded. "Long ago, there was a genius poison mistress who invented it to purge a corrupt temple. _Hundreds_ of people dead within the hour from one inhale. What makes it so vile is that it doesn't disperse for _years_. It's a lingering plague."

Goosebumps crawled up my arms from excitement. "Oh my _gosh_ that sounds so cool. We _have_ to try out this mission! Er—but only if there's an antidote, since I don't want to accidentally kill the person I'm escorting."

"I don't know the antidote," Kakuzu admitted.

"Then you and Sasori better start brainstorming. As soon as we've got an antidote, I'll test it out. I promise!" I clapped my hands together excitedly. "Oh man this is going to be _great_."

I brewed up a few more new poisons Sasori and Kakuzu wanted to test out—these all had antidotes that Gedo verified would work—and bottled them up. Some of them were put in bombs that would have them explode out as a gas, while others would serve well to coat weapons.

When it was time for all of us to meet up, I handed out a fair share of poisons and antidotes, and off the four (plus two ghostie ghosts) of us went.

We travelled through the night, and I explained what I knew about the events to unfold. We all agreed that if we could go ahead and kill the four henchmen outright, we should do so.

The four big bad henchmen would bust into the priestess's castle to try and kill her. They'd slaughter a good portion of the amount of men protecting her before we could reach them, and just before they'd get to the priestess, Naruto would jump in between.

Naruto would then use his shadow clones to force them all outside—and his clones would carry away the unconscious guards—and then we would _really_ go to town on killing them. The important thing was to make sure they didn't escape to replenish their chakra.

Neji would run ahead of us to make sure no one snuck by us, though. Gotta be extra safe!

Our team ran on through the night, and as dawn finally began to break through the trees the castle came into sight. Naruto blitzed straight on, creating a massive amount of shadow clones to carry the soldiers and guards away before bursting in through the front door.

Neji followed behind him, but went over the castle to meet up with the priestess as she was escaping.

Lee and I prepared to greet the four henchmen.

I tossed him a few poison bombs, and I coated my kunai with good ol' Krait's Kiss.

Barely a minute after Naruto headed into the castle did the four hench rush out, with a mob of Naruto shadow clones right at their heels. I threw the first poison bomb directly at them, and blue gas exploded outward covering the entire area before rapidly dispersing.

"Woo-hoo! More test subjects!" I cheered joyfully. Of course the poison I had used there was a new one—called Orchid's Dance, courtesy of Kakuzu—and it wouldn't show immediate effects.

It'd definitely kill them within the hour, though, like all good poison should.

"Urk! What is this nasty stuff?" one of the unimportant movie henchmen complained.

But there wasn't any time for a proper conversation since Lee dove head first into the trio, slamming a poison bomb directly into the chest of one of them.

Boom! This time it was an explosion of red gas—this one was called Scarlet Fever, invented by Sasori—and the henchmen leapt away, stumbling as they did so.

"Poison…?" one of them wheezed, dropping to their knees.

"Poison is OP," I observed. "Ridiculously OP. At least against trash. Urgh. Why do a lot of the hot villains have immunity? Madara-sama should not be immune to poison, that's just not fair. I won't be able to use my strip poison on him."

Of course no one really cared about my bemoaning. It made sense why some of them had high resistances, or straight up immunity. Madara, Obito, and Itachi were bonafide Uchihas, which granted them Plot Hole Power. All relevant Uchihas gained poison immunity to a certain extent.

Nagato, and Konan were born and raised in Amegakure, one of the villages renowned for their poisons. Same went for Kisame, and Sasori—although since he turned his body into a puppet, he gained a new vulnerability to certain poisons.

Frankly speaking, it was straight up unfair that I couldn't use my original poison on them. I worked hard to make a hallucigen that would make you strip! I should at least be able to use it on Madara.

But, nope. Madara was too dang powerful.

At least it took care of movie henchmen for me.

"Oh. It looks like the two have combined perfectly," Sasori observed as all three of the henchmen doubled over in pain.

I pulled out my notebook and began to take notes. "Oh, _my_."

"Fascinating," Kakuzu observed when one of them projectile vomited.

"That's sick," Naruto decided, grimacing. "Ugh. That's gross, how can you watch that, Sakura-chan?"

"I think it's cool," I defended. "

"I think… I think I'm going to go find Neji. Yeah…" Naruto inched away from the soon to be corpses. "Lee, wanna come?"

"Yes," Lee responded, looking eager to get away from the movie villains.

"Oh. I didn't expect their eyes to explode," Sasori commented.

"Hm. From the blood vessels, you think?" Kakuzu mused.

"We'll do an autopsy once we've healed up the soldiers, and checked in with the priestess," I told them. "What a lovely day."

Both Akatsuki members agreed with me.

It took twenty minutes before the henchmen officially died. Neji got a solid cut on the fourth henchmen—he went after the priestess while we were dealing with the other three—and Krait's Kiss had him on his knees within minutes.

So, all four of the movie henchmen were effectively eliminated before they caused any real trouble.

Once I was done taking notes, I set about performing my duty as a doctor and healing up the soldiers. About a dozen of them required the use of Shosen, while the rest got off with minor injuries. THankfully none of them needed transplants, or other risky surgeries, so I was able to get everyone taken care of within two hours.

During that time, my team helped clean up and set up traps around the castle. The priestess wouldn't see to any of us until her men were taken care of.

* * *

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* * *

Shion, the priestess we were tasked to protect, met with us later that morning. She was donned up in her formal attire, and sat upon her throne while we took our seats in front of her. She certainly a cutie, with long pale blonde hair and pretty purple eyes. Not as much of a cutie as Hina-chan, of course, but definitely someone you'd wanna cuddle with on a rainy day.

Plus she was a soft tsundere, a proper rarity.

(Soft tsunderes, were tsunderes that didn't resort to violence. They were the type to use cold words to cover up their emotions, and try to distance themselves from others in fear of getting hurt.)

Her attendant, Taruho, bowed and said, "Behold, Shion, the priestess of the Land of Ogres."

"I am Hyuuga Neji, leader of team seven," Neji introduced.

"Rock Lee." Lee saluted.

"Haruno Sakura," I said with a wink.

"Uzumaki Naruto."

"We've come to escort Shion-sama to the sealing shrine," Neji said.

"A lot of lives were lost in the assault last night, and just as Shion-sama foretold Susuki was among them," Taruho murmured quietly.

Shion scoffed. "Naturally. But as you can see, I still breathe. I'm sure they shoulder no regret."

"Oi," Naruto growled out, instantly triggered, but I grabbed his hand. He looked back at me in confusion, and I gave him a smile and wink.

"Don't worry, honey. She's upset, but she doesn't want to show weakness," I soothed him, pulling him back down to sit beside me. "She's their priestess, which means she has to present herself in a certain way."

"Oh." Naruto sat back down, looking back up at Shion with a furrowed brow. "I'm sorry for your loss."

Shion's face remained impassive, but there was a glimmer of grief inside of her eyes. She pursed her lips and said in a quiet voice, "Thank you. Returning to the matter at hand… you said that you were here to escort me?"

"Correct," Neji answered on our behalf. "When will you be ready to leave?"

"Give me an hour," came her response.

* * *

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* * *

Dear Sakura,

A Jashinist and a GILF? I have to admit I don't know what a Jashinist is, so please enlighten me. But the GILF…

Did I ever tell you my first love was an old man? Well, he claimed he was an old man, and acted like a damn miser, but he didn't look old. It was right after my first gig, and I was feeling worse than usual. I stumbled into a bad crowd, but then this man came in and beat them all down. He said it was because the leader had a bounty, not to help me, but oddly enough he kept showing up.

Maybe it really was all a coincidence, but then again maybe not.

One thing lead to another, but we eventually had to part ways for good.

A bit of a summer romance—and probably completely one sided—but it's still one of my fondest memories.

Although I didn't even catch his name.

Sorry for the dump!

Yours,

Yukie

* * *

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* * *

Dear Sakura,

What?

Yours,

Gaara

* * *

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* * *

Drama & work & other huge events have been going on in my life for the past couple months. It looks like February might finally be the time things unwind, so here's hoping for that!

 **Answer:** A sentient plant that could transform freely and manipulate magic.

 **Question:** What kind of magical weapon would you like?

Reviews are **love**!


	22. Thank You

Hello everyone!

I have fantastic news. My first ever original story has been published!

This has been a dream of mine for as long as I could remember. When I started writing fanfiction, I never thought for an instant it would turn into such a wonderful, and powerful part of my life. My journey as an author has been a real roller coaster, and I've loved every moment of it.

But I could not have come so far without all of you. Without your support, without kind words, and helpful criticism, I would not be the author I am today. My writing has vastly changed and improved over the years because of all of you.

So truly, from the bottom of my heart, I want to say _**thank you**_.

For those of you who are interested, or would like to continue to bless me with your support my story can be found on Amazon Kindle as _Dawn of the Rose_ by Leah Dougherty, or on Etsy as a PDF file.

Link to story on Amazon: www DOT amazon DOT com / dp/ B07NBS8QSL / ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1549060211&sr=1-1&keywords=Dawn+of+the+Rose

Link to story on Etsy: www DOT etsy DOT com / listing/680056853 / dawn-of-the-rose?ref=shop_home_feat_1

Link to official tumblr: magicofdawnofficial DOT tumblr DOT com/

Link to official twitter: twitter DOT com / MagicofDawn1

Link to official Instagram: www DOT instagram DOT com / magic_of_dawn/

Any and all support given during this life-changing endeavor would be really, really appreciated. Even something as small as re-blogging/re-tweeting the links and spreading the word would mean an awful lot to me.

I want to thank you all again so, _**so**_ much for all the love and support you all have given me.

From the bottom of my heart, you are all very dear and precious to me.

Thank you for your kindness.

With warm love,

Leah


	23. Yukie's Ship

"I am on a seafood diet. I see it, and I eat it."

-Anonymous

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto. I wish I did, though.

 **Warning:** I have mangled the plot. Say goodbye to the plot everyone. It'll be killed off entirely in the Save Itachi and Pinch Kisame's Ass arc.

Praise be to the Goggle Gods.

* * *

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* * *

I was officially 1 for 3 out of movie royalties joining my harem.

Darn priestess rejected my offer as soon as we finished escorting her. I even used all my best flirting tactics—which made Naruto howl with laughter on multiple occasions, Neji try to keep a poker face but fail, and Lee to struggle not to snicker—but it was to no avail.

We finished our mission, completed the movie without a single friggin issue because we killed the bad guys right off the get-go, and my team had to watch me get rejected by the soft tsundere.

Unfair.

Oh, well. Hopefully she would still have a long and happy life, and maybe one day in the future she and Cutie Mc'Cute stuff would change their minds and join me in my awesome harem.

We returned to Konoha, and after dropping off our mission report, I headed home.

"Darlings, I'm home!" I sang out with gusto. Brightheart yipped and dashed over to greet me, wagging her patchy tail with glee. To my delighted surprise Kimimaro also came to greet me, "Oh, hello there, pumpkin pie."

"Welcome home," Kimimaro said shyly. "I've been reading a lot of your medical texts."

"Oh, yeah? Wanna be a doctor?"

"Yes."

' _Whoa. Did not expect—actually, given his pacifist nature, becoming a doctor sounds perfect for him.'_

With a splitting over my face, I raised my hands into two thumbs up. "Okay. Why don't you tag along with me to the hospital this weekend?"

He smiled.

 _Kimimaro smiled._

' _Goggle Gods, thank you for this blessing,'_ I thought to myself, unable to resist leaping at the pretty boy and hugging him tightly.

"I'm going to treat you so well," I whispered to him.

He hugged me back.

 _Kimimaro hugged me back._

With the sweetest voice he said, "I know."

* * *

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* * *

Barely a week later, and I had invited my team over for lunch. Sai politely declined since he had to report to a certain little warmonger, but Naruto gleefully accepted.

Tenzou took the opportunity to give himself a break from me since there would be plenty of strong shinobi at home to watch over me. The poor dearie looked _so_ happy about that, even ignoring the betrayed glare Kakashi shot at him.

Once Naruto showed up, I set to cooking, merrily chatting with him and Kakashi while I worked. A pleasant ten, or fifteen minutes went by before we were joined by another guest.

Hinata stepped into my home while I went about making lunch for my dear, dear companions. I could sense her chakra before I saw her—of lilacs and warm summer ponds—and when she entered the kitchen she did so with her head held high. "Sa-chan! I lead a mission by myself, and succeeded."

This immediately warranted stopping everything I was doing to rush over to her and body-tackle her. "OHMYGOSHI'MSOPROUD!"

"Good job, Hina-chan!" Naruto cheered, applauding. "Come eat lunch with us and tell us all about it."

A small blush dusted over Hinata's cheeks, and she beamed. She hugged me for another few seconds before sitting down beside Naruto, Kakashi, and Kimimaro. I did a little twirl before returning to making the best Goggle-darn lunch anyone ever ate, _in ever_.

Hinata brushed back her long hair behind her ear and said, "Kiba-kun, Shino-kun, and I were tasked with investigating one of Orochimaru's bases."

' _Huh. That sounds an awful lot like—but nah.'_

"Unfortunately, when we got there the base was destroyed," Hinata went on. "We stayed a few days to see if we could uncover anything else, but then we were ambushed by some of Orochimaru's men. One of them was a crystal user by the name of Guren, just like Sa-chan predicted!"

I froze, turning around to gape at her.

I had, of course, given Hinata a brief run down of the Sanbi arc so that way she could kick some major booty. But it (ashamedly) didn't even cross my mind that her team would never call us for back up.

' _No! My chance to prematurely meet the yummy Tobito…!'_

"As soon as I realized who Guren-chan was, I began to initiate negotiations with their team, since I remembered Sa-chan wanted her to join the harem," Hinata cheerfully went on. "It took a few weeks, and more than once I had to restrain some of the more rambunctious members of Guren-chan's team, but the negotiations were a success." Hinata glanced over at Naruto, her smiling dazzling. "I learned from Naruto-kun, and Sa-chan, after all. Once I listened to their issues, and offered help and advice, they were much more willing."

"Holy shit," I breathed out. " _Therapy-no-Jutsu has taken another messiah._ "

Sasori moaned, burying his head in his hands while Kakuzu looked up at the ceiling and asked, " _Why_?"

"No," Kakashi whispered in disbelief, scooting away from Hinata.

"So, our team escorted Guren-chan and her team over to Kirigakure, where Mei-sama happily took in Guren-chan, Yukimaru-kun, and Gon-kun."

' _Hinata single handedly solved the Sanbi Arc.'_

I dropped down to my knees. "My goddess! I'm so proud of you!"

Hinata giggled in that adorable way, beaming happily at all the praise. "I couldn't have done it without your help, Sa-chan. All the knowledge you gave me, along with your support, ensured my success."

"I'm unbelievably jealous of your future husband right now," I admitted to her. "Urk!"

Unable to hold back my desire to body tackle someone again, I threw myself at Kakashi. He sighed with resignation, accepting the impromptu cuddles with the air of a grumpy old man.

There was a knock at my door, and I didn't immediately recognize the chakra signature. Curious, I pulled myself away from Kakashi—he sighed with relief—and headed over. Brightheart hobbled up next to me, giving me her cute little doggy smile.

Opening the front door revealed none other than Feudal Lord of Spring, Yukie.

Kakuzu looked like he had the wind knocked out of him.

"Yukie-chan?" I said in surprise, my eyes widening. "Oh my Goggle Gods, what are you doing here?"

The beyond gorgeous actress was dressed stylishly, and with huge sunglasses to cover her face. The fact that I didn't see any guards, or escorts, immediately told me that no one knew she was coming here. "Isn't it obvious? I'm here to surprise you!"

I opened my arms. "Darling!"

"Dear!" she laughed, accepting my hug. "We're filming in Konoha. Since you gave me your address, I thought I'd pop in to say _hello_."

"Well do more than that," I said, opening my door wider. "Come in for lunch. I'm making salmon risotto."

"Don't mind if I do," she said, stepping in. Upon noticing my puppy, she smiled sweetly and bent down to let Brightheart sniff her. "Oh, this is Brightheart, isn't it? She's as adorable as she is in the pictures you drew."

A prideful blush grew over my cheeks. "Heh-heh. Yeah. I'm a proud momma. She's a good girl."

Brightheart gave Yukie's hand a tentative lick before shyly lowering her head and hobbling to stand behind me.

I guided Yukie into the kitchen, where Naruto, and Kakashi cheerfully greeted her. Hinata bowed politely, introducing herself, and Kimimaro quietly followed suit.

Yukie took a seat at the table, and I headed back over to the stovetop to keep mixing the risotto.

"So whatchya' filming in Konoha? Another Gale-hime movie?" Naruto asked her excitedly, leaning on the edge of his seat. "You know, if you need a handsome actor—"

Yukie immediately cut in to avoid brutally rejecting that offer. "We're filming _Love is Timeless_. It was actually mostly written by Sakura-chan, with only a few tweaks. It's the story about a charming, eccentric girl struggling to choose between her love of her teacher, and the devilishly rugged sharkman mercenary," Yukie explained brightly, ignoring how nearly everyone else at the table pointedly looked over at mortified Kakashi. "It has such an amazing plot-twist, too! A lover from her past life named Maddie ressurrects and practically steals the whole show. I won't spoil the ending, though."

Now the looks were being tossed my way. Even Sasori and Kakuzu were staring at me with blatant disbelief.

"What?" I said. "It's completely original and not at all based on my fantasies."

Sasori gestured toward me, giving Kakuzu a look of: _See?! I told you!_

"She's insane," Kakuzu uttered, as if he couldn't quite believe _how_ insane I was.

"I'm not crazy, I'm just fun," I insisted.

"So… how about that lunch?" Naruto asked, blatantly not touching _that_ subject.

"Coming right up!"

* * *

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* * *

After lunch, I promised to take Yukie around Konoha. I first went to change out of my sweats, and while I was doing so Kakuzu asked me, "How do you know her?"

"I saved her life, and put her as the next feudal lord of Spring," I answered, frowning as I peered at him. "You know her, don't you? But how—OH MY GOSH. It's you! _You're the old miser that saved her life!"_

"Kakuzu _saving_ a life?" Sasori snorted. "Absurd."

"We've already established that she's insane, ignore her," Kakuzu said, most definitely _not looking me in the eyes oh my gosh hello new ship._

A devilish grin stretched over my face. I rushed over to my desk, yanked out my sketch book, and sprinted downstairs to where Yukie was having a delightful conversation with Kakashi. "Yukie-chan! Tell me—tell me that old miser that rescued you—is this him?"

I flipped open to a bare-chested sketch of Kakuzu, ignoring Sasori's look of disgust and Kakuzu saying, "Please tell me you only have that one sketch of me."

Yukie looked over at the sketch and gasped. "Yes! That's him. Oh, I could never forget those handsome eyes."

" _Handsome_?" Sasori repeated, horrified. "Kakuzu… don't tell me you seduced a girl when you're nearly _three times her age_."

"I did no such thing," he snapped, irritated.

"May I have this?" Yukie asked, her eyes glistening with plain admiration.

"You can have all of them. Just, uh… rip them out and I'll put them in a folder. And, uh, please don't judge my other sketches."

"Judge?" Yukie repeated, flipping through the next page and then gasping. "Oh, my. Taken a page from the _Icha Icha_ franchise?"

"Someone has to take up the mantle when Jiraiya-sama retires," I said.

Kakashi buried his face in his hands. "Please, don't."

"I'm already working on the next book with Jiraiya," I apologized. "Sorry."

"You don't… you don't have lewd drawings of anyone from the Akatsuki, do you?" Sasori asked, looking very much like he did _not_ want to ask that.

I started to whistle innocently.

"She does," Kakuzu whispered. "Of course she does."

I clapped my hands together. "Welp! How about that Konoha tour? I'll take you _everywhere_."

"Lead the way," Yukie said, clutching at a few sketches of Kakuzu she ripped out.

* * *

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* * *

 **(A switch over to Guren)**

"How are you liking Kirigakure, Guren-chan?" Mei asked in that charming voice of hers.

Guren felt a small smile grace her lips. "Very much, actually."

"Excellent, excellent. Haku-kun has been treating you well?"

"He's been very kind to Yukimaru and myself," Guren answered honestly. She had never expected the very village she had run from as a child to have turned into… into _this_.

Kirigakure was once a vile, and bloodthirsty village where the strong devoured the weak. Children were either killed, or transformed into monsters, and there was no inbetween.

Now, though, there was an atmosphere of healing, _of warmth_. Seeing children running through the streets, playing, and laughing, was mind-boggling to Guren. She had truly believed that there could be no such place. While serving Orochimaru, Guren couldn't imagine such a happy place existing.

When she was rejected by Orochimaru as his next vassal over Sasuke, Guren had never felt so betrayed. Ever since he had rescued her, he had groomed her for that one right. It was the only thing that kept her through those bitter, and cruel nights beside the mad scientist.

He took it away from her so easily, and she was left angry, and betrayed.

And then along came this gentle soul by the name of Hinata.

The young woman seemed to know more things about Guren than anyone else. She knew things _Guren_ didn't know about herself.

This beautiful kunoichi was able to weave together such sweet words, all the way batting away any resistance Guren and her lackeys threw at her. With ease, Hinata and her team had defeated Guren, and with just as much ease, Hinata started to heal the damage done to Guren's heart.

To be honest, the whole thing felt surreal. She could scarcely believe she had agreed to come to Kirigakure at Hinata's suggestion—not that she had much choice, since the Hyūga had proven she could drag Guren there against her will if she resisted—and she was _welcomed_.

Hinata only mentioned, "She's a dear harem member, and a powerful crystal user."

Like magic, they were escorted to the Mizukage, where Hinata had quiet words with Mei. Then Mei welcomed them into Kirigakure, and the rest was history.

The past month Guren was—understandably—kept on watch, but it was far from uncomfortable. The handsome young man that escorted her around was named Haku, and he treated her with genuine respect.

(It didn't take long for Guren to realize why the boy had such a devoted fan group following him around, and countless girls and boys confessing their love for him.)

Mei had a sweet smile on her face. "Good. I'm here to share some baked goods Sakura-chan has sent over. She's made a cake just for you and Yukimaru to welcome you to Kirigakure."

Guren had never met Sakura before. She didn't even know what the girl looked like.

But she knew it was Sakura who told Hinata about her. She knew it was Sakura who orchestrated for Kirigakure to take her in (although as she understood it, the original plan was for _Sakura_ to come to Kirigakure. Haku was thoroughly disappointed that it was only Hinata). She knew it was Sakura who was behind the peaceful life Guren currently lived.

She really had to thank Sakura, Guren believed.

And when Guren got to try a piece of the cake made just for her, she became a true member of the Sakura Harem, and wrote a thank you letter immediately.

A week later she received her Official Harem shirt, and sweats.

* * *

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* * *

 **(Jumping back in time, switching over to Sasuke)**

It was over a day before Sasuke got a chance to read Sakura's letter. He had to wait for the perfect opportunity and guarantee Orochimaru wouldn't be around.

Dear Princess Duck-Butt,

How you doin'? ;) Turn to the back for a drawing of me winking and blowing a kiss at you. Mwah.

Flirting aside, I suppose I should get right down to business, huh?  
You'll be nearing the point where you'll kill Orochimaru. Don't worry, you'll win as long as you play smart. But be warned, Orochimaru has a piece of himself inside your Curse Mark. If you let your Curse Mark progress too far, then Orochimaru will possess your body. I've already got plans in motion to get that taken care of, so don't worry too much about it, okay?

Next up will be your hunt for your team… and then your brother. Karin will be easy to bring over to your side—please give her my love—and so will Jūgo. Please let Jūgo know that Kimimaro is now in Konoha, under my loving custody. He'll soon be joining my harem, so please be sure to extend that offer to Jūgo. Karin is obviously invited too because she's adorable, and if you get her and Suigetsu to join I'll make you lunches for a week when you come back to Konoha.

Suigetsu will be tricky to convince. He wants Zabuza's sword, but ain't no way Zabuza will give that up. Especially since I made sure Zabuza stayed alive this time around, and he and Haku are living it up in Kirigakure. (PS, I got the Mizukage to join my harem in exchange for monthly baked goods. You can bribe anyone with food it seems!) But I do have a good counter offer for him: Lightning Blades. Yeah, yeah I know that he's super sensitive to lighting attacks, which is why it'll make the perfect cover for his weakness! No one expects a lightning user to be vulnerable to lightning. And they're pretty easy to get a hold of, since the last holder buried them in a hide out at 45.6, 37.8 in the Land of Fire. Plus Mangetsu—that's Suigetsu's brother—was able to utilize them fine and dandy.

Once your team is gathered you'll begin your hunt for Itachi.  
Before you reach your brother you'll have one big battle face, and that's against Akatsuki members Deidara and Tobi.

Both of which are very treasured and precious people for me. I ask that you do not aim to kill either of them, but capture. Tobi will be impossible to capture, but Deidara will be viable. On the next page I will include their abilities, strengths, and weaknesses for you to prepare yourself. I will also like to ask that you please keep your sweet little snakey summons out of this, because they are big babies and I'd hate to see them get hurt.

I've also included in the second storage scroll some poison designed for knock outs, and antidotes. Feel free to use them.

Once you have defeated Deidara, Tobi will vacate. Please use the red scroll attached to this scroll afterwards. It will summon my sidekick, Ibuse, who will take care of Deidara.

You will have a few days of rest before you find Itachi. I will find you before your battle, and I'm afraid I have some pretty big news that is too sensitive to put inside a letter. I hope you will remember, and keep, your promise to me three years ago. I hope I have proven my knowledge enough to you that you understand that when I say you need to hear this information before your fight then you need to hear it.

Lots of love,

Sakura

Sasuke resisted the urge to sigh.

 _That was definitely written by Sakura._

* * *

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* * *

Sorry for the late update. This year has kinda kicked my butt pretty good. January, our truck got broken into since someone wanted to steal it, but ended up just destroying it to the point where it'd be too expensive to fix rather than get a new car. February I lost my job. March my mom got rushed to the ER at 3 AM and had to go into surgery and was hospitalized for a while. April, I have finally started getting some breathing room and hopefully found a new job.

I really am sorry for the late update. But it's hard to write a happy character when you're not happy.

I did end up skipping the Sanbi Arc. It was what I had been writing for the past few months, but I hated how it turned out every time so I decided to be kinder to my muse and skip it. I know some of you really wanted the Tobito scene, though, so here's the only scene I saved:

I sat on the shore of the lake, completely soaked.

' _Why are we trying to seal the Sanbi?'_ I thought to myself. ' _I told them it wasn't going to work. Oh, well.'_

"Oh, my!" came the heart-stopping familiar voice of one Tobito—otherwise known as Obito Uchiha. "If it isn't Kisame-senpai's fangirl!"

"Hello, darling," I said, tilting my head back to look at him. "Wanna sit with me?"

"Are you going to try and take Tobi away, too?" Obito mockingly worried.

"Not, yet," I purred, winking. "We'll have our little play on a different stage. Right now, this is the green room. Come, relax with me, my dear."

Obito plopped down next to me, and I scooted closer. He immediately tensed up, but didn't make any move to stop me.

"Tobi's heard some scary things about Sakura-chan," Obito said in his fake cheerful voice. "Can Sakura-chan really predict the future?"

"I can predict _a_ future," I corrected. "The knowledge is blessed upon me by the Goggle Gods. Want to know yours?"

"Ooo! Yes, please!"

"A life filled with, happiness, and acceptance," I told him, patting his knee. "A life where guilt has left you, where warmth will find you, and family surrounds you."

Obito cocked his head. "Tobi gets a happy ending?"

"Honey, I'll make you the _happiest_ ending."

 **Answer:** A wand that lets me conjure anything.

 **Question:** What genre would your life be classified as? What genre would you want it to be?

Reviews are **love**!

Next up: Deidara and Itachi Arc bby. Jeepers you move so quick when you fuck up the plot line.


	24. Repeat

" **I am instantly 70% nicer after 3pm on Friday."**

 **-Anonymous**

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto.

 **Warning:** This is a crack fic. If you don't know that by this point I don't know how to help you.

One day I'd like to get someone to go back through all I have written and fix it. I'm clearly too lazy to do so.

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* * *

I held Yukie's hand as we toured Konoha. I took her to my favorite places to eat, and a training ground I frequented. I even brought her over to the hospital where I worked and showed her my office—and a couple pictures of some gnarly surgeries which she looked at with wide eyes—before taking her back to her hotel.

Unsurprisingly her guards were quite displeased with her impromptu visitation, but she waved away their concerns and asked me to visit her while she was here.

On the way back, I couldn't help but shoot Kakuzu a _wink-wink-nudge-nudge_.

He blatantly ignored me, but I could tell he was getting flushed under all my teasing.

"C'mon old man, just admit you got a thing for her. I got a thing for her," I tried to coax out of him as I hopped across the rooftops. The gorgeous night air pleasantly blew through my hair. Konoha always had such _amazing_ weather, and that day was no different. There wasn't even a cloud in the sky above us, so we could admire the twinkling stars and the big full moon.

"I do not have a _thing_ for anyone," he grouched. He and Sasori were a little harder to see at night since they were normally transparent. I wished I could get a better view of his face.

"She's almost thirty, so the age difference isn't _so_ bad," Sasori hesitantly added, grimacing as he did so. Kakuzu glared hotly at him for that and the puppet master sneered back in return. "Anyone with a brain can read your reactions. Admitting it will save us _both_ a headache from Sakura's inane ramblings."

"He's right," I agreed, wondering how great it'd be if I could double jump mid air like a video game character. "I will ramble inanely."

Kakuzu looked like he swallowed glass shards as he considered his options. "I do not dislike her, but I have no intentions of _ever_ pursuing a relationship."

"Have you considered joining a harem?"

"I am _never_ joining your deranged group of idiots," hissed Kakuzu.

"I wasn't asking about _mine_ ," I insisted. "I was merely asking in general."

" _Never_."

"Jeeze. Okay, okay. I'll get you to join at a later date."

Sasori rubbed at his face. "If I say I'll join your wretched club would you release me?"

"Yes," I answered perfectly serious. "Are you saying you'll join?"

Sasori's lip curled back in distaste. "You have not broken me."

"Yet," I added with a chirp and a smile. "I know how Stockholm syndrome works and I'm not against using it against psychopaths."

"You are a genuine monster."

"A little bit," I agreed. "Certainly desensitised."

* * *

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* * *

 **A couple days later...**

"Oh," I said out loud to myself as a flood of information popped up in my head. I was in my kitchen with Hinata and Naruto making a cake—my Akatsuki boy toys were watching a movie in the living room—when _it_ happened.

Hinata paused in chopping up the chocolate bar, while Naruto slowed down in his whisking for the meringue. Worriedly, Hinata asked me, "What's wrong, Sa-chan? That sounded like an ominous _oh_."

"I, uh, I rem—er—the Goggle Gods have blessed me with more knowledge," I settled on, still processing what the gosh darn dilly dally heck just happened. I placed the liquid part of the cake batter down and rubbed at my eyes.

But when I lowered my hands I let out a startled shout when I realized I was definitely not in my kitchen anymore.

Darkness surrounded me, a black void where nothing but the sound of the ocean could be heard. I stumbled back, my slippers sliding into something cold and wet.

' _An episode?'_ I thought, my eyes wide as I took everything in. ' _But no, I've never had episodes like this before.'_

Reaching up to rub my eyes, I froze when I recognized the hands _did not belong to me._

"Ah—ah—um—" I stared down at the tiny hands that were too pale to be mine. My eyes roamed down to look at the rest of my body but I found it also didn't belong to me. It had to have belonged to a child, someone physically younger than me and undeveloped.

' _Okay, um... Sure.'_ Taking a deep breath in, I let it out slowly before glancing around in the darkness. ' _Yeesh. This place gives me the heebies.'_ Having nothing else really to do, I picked a random direction and started walking. As I traversed, the water at my feet began to rise. I couldn't find my own chakra to be able to walk on top of it, so I had to wade through. It was bitterly cold, and I couldn't see the bottom of it, only blackness.

I wasn't sure how long I walked. Maybe only a few seconds. Maybe hours. But as I walked, and the water rose, bits of light started to sparkle above me. It reflected on the water, creating this beautiful starry night sky effect. Despite how creepy this place was, I thought it looked rather pretty once the lights showed up.

One light in particular began to shine exceptionally bright, descending to me. As it neared, it took the shape of a pale butterfly with bits of snow and ice dusting off each wing flap.

 _~Welcome home.~_

"Thank you, Shiori," the words spilled out in a voice too gentle and soft to my own.

 _~Are you going to try again?~_

"I have to," I told her, a vile, bitter taste burning my mouth. "I cannot stay here, no matter how much I wish otherwise."

I raised my hand and Shiori landed gracefully on my outstretched finger. _~They say we are gifts that Life creates for Death, and Death keeps us all.~_

My eyes squeezed tightly shut, not wanting to hear this again.

"Then why won't Death keep me? I'm tired, Shiori. I'm _so_ tired."

 _~I know, my dearest friend. I know.~_

"I'm afraid I'll come back broken again. I never want to have another life like Naa—"

I dropped down into the dark water, letting go once again.

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* * *

 **Third Person POV**

"What's wrong, Sa-chan? That sounded like an ominous _oh,"_ Hinata said, setting down the knife she was using.

The pinkette's face slowly paled, a dullness entering her eyes. She stammered out, starting to sway, "I, uh, I rem—er—the Goggle Gods have blessed me with more knowledge—"

Sakura's knees buckled, and she abruptly collapsed onto the floor. Hinata had already grabbed her by the time Naruto set down the meringue and dove to her.

"Sakura?" yelped Naruto, grabbing her shoulder. Hinata placed a hand over her forehead, her eyes narrowing in concern as a frown tugged down on her face.

"She's freezing," Hinata whispered, looking up at Naruto. "Sakura-chan? Sakura-chan?"

Their friend remained unresponsive, staring blankly ahead. She was limp in Hinata's arms, her skin becoming paler by the second. Naruto touched her arm, and to his surprise there were no goosebumps.

' _Cold, but no goosebumps?'_ Naruto thought. ' _That's not normal, right?'_

An unsettling feeling knotted in the pit of his stomach. "We—We should get her to Tsunade."

Hinata nodded firmly in agreement, adjusting her grip on Sakura to pick her up. She winced. "Sh—She's colder than ice."

Sakura jerked, gasping at air, and starting to cough. Color rushed back into her face, and she leaned over from the force of her coughing fit. Naruto and Hinata rubbed at her back, uncertain how to proceed.

Shudders ran through Sakura, goosebumps covering every inch of her skin. She shivered, and Naruto immediately pulled her into his arms to help warm her up. Hinata rubbed at her hands. "Sakura-chan?"

"I-I'm sorry," Sakura gasped out, tears spilling over her eyes. "I'm—I'm so—s-so—I'm so—I'm so so—sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was—I was just—so tired—"

A choked sob escaped her, and she buried her face in her hands as she began to cry. "I'm s-sorry! I'm s-sor-ry."

She curled into Naruto, weeping over things neither of her friends could understand. Hinata moved closer, rubbing her hand up and down Sakura's back while Naruto continued to hold her in a vain attempt to show comfort.

She must have cried for an hour before her sobs and hiccups died down, and only small whimpers and sniffling remained. Her friends stayed beside her, offering support and solidarity. Hinata temporarily left to grab boxes of tissues to wipe at the running snot, and dab at Sakura's puffy red eyes.

With the last of the tissues, Sakura blew her nose and offered her friends a wobbly, weak smile. "Hi."

"Hello," Hinata said gently, brushing back some of Sakura's hair. "Why don't you lay down for a bit?"

"I don't want to dream again," she whispered, her voice cracking. "J-Just get me some ibuprofen and water, p-please."

Naruto and Hinata exchanged worried looks, but Hinata eventually obliged and fetched what was requested. Sakura swallowed several pills in hopes of preventing the oncoming headache that always accompanied such a heavy cry session. Once finished, she perked up and said, "Gosh what a trip! But we've got some work to do, so let's finish up this cake and then head on out."

"Uh, _no_. You don't get to—get to—" Naruto gestured to Sakura. "You don't get to do _that_ and move on. Na-uh."

Sakura scratched the back of her head. "Um. Well. The only way I can really describe to you both is that, uh, the Goggle Gods gave me some information that kind of upset me."

"What did you see?" Hinata asked.

Sakura stilled for a moment, her brow furrowing as a dark look crossed over her face. "I think... maybe... Genocide run? But it's okay, I'm on the Pacifist route now. I don't know, I kind of... I don't remember a whole lot now. It comes in waves, you know? I know the broad strokes but the more time passes the harder it is to see even that much."

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"It's okay now," she said, more to herself than to Naruto or Hinata. "I'm not broken. I'm _me_ again. And we have to save a couple dummy Uchihas."

Naruto's eyes widened. "Sasuke?"

"Time to bring princess Duck-Butt home, honey."

* * *

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* * *

It hardly took any time at all to tell Tsunade that the Goggle Gods told me it was time to bring Sasuke home.

"I'm fine with issuing the mission," Tsunade said, her gaze flickering over to Naruto. "But we haven't finished dealing with some root rot."

"That's fine," I said, words popping out. "Sasuke needs the confrontation, anyway. The disease left behind will be something we can more easily handle when the heart of it gone."

Tsunade drummed her fingers on her desk. "I see. You have quite literally _never_ been wrong before, so I'll trust you on this. Gather the team and bring home our boys."

I saluted her. "Hina-chan, why don't you grab team 8, and Naruto, grab the rest of team 7?"

"What about you?" Naruto asked me.

I kissed his cheek. "Oh, honey. I've got to move ahead. A clone will be with you guys instead. Ta-ta!"

* * *

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* * *

I moved with speed that would impressive even Lee, rapidly sprinting home to grab some essential supplies before bolting out of Konoha. I left behind several rock clones that would move with Naruto's group, but I knew I had to move ahead of everyone to beat Tobito.

"What did you mean by genocide run?" Sasori asked after I had been sprinting through the forest for over an hour.

"I think I have a higher kill count than all of the Akatsuki members combined, twice over."

"What?" Kakuzu repeated in blatant disbelief. "How can you even proclaim such a thing? Insanity has a limit."

I held up my finger. "One: insanity has no limit." Another finger. "And two: you don't want to know. I don't even want to know. You know what? This would be a great time for Deidara to show up."

Goggle Gods must have blessed me because guess what I got?

If you guessed a boom boom mcsplodey boy you guessed right.

Deidara popped up in front of me, and he let out a shout as soon as he saw Sasori and Kakuzu. "AHH! What are you two doing here?"

"Being driven into insanity," they said with hanging heads.

"Aw, c'mon, it's not that bad," I whined. "I'm saving your lives."

"Death would have been kinder," grouched Sasori.

"Being trapped with you is the cruelest form of torture I have _ever_ come across," Kakuzu snapped.

"You two are being dramatic," I dismissed.

Deidara looked back and forth between the trio. "Uh..."

"Welcome to hell, brat. You are bound to this fiendish creature where she will subject you to endless madness and chaos," Sasori said, gesturing toward me. "Steel the last bit of nerves you have, and be prepared for unspeakable things."

"Okay, now you're just being hurtful," I said with a sniff. "If you're gonna keep being so mean, we won't test the virvi poison when I get back."

"It's not _that_ bad," Kakuzu put in.

"Really, she's tolerable once you get used to her," Sasori added.

Deidara rubbed his face. "Am I dead?"

"Not yet darling," I said with a big grin. "Not yet."

* * *

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* * *

While I was certain my clone was having all sorts of fun with the main group, I had an unremarkable time sprinting through the country to get to Itachi before Duck-Butt. Sasori and Kakuzu explained the gist of the situation to Deidara, and Deidara immediately asked me what kind of cake would be made in his honor.

Obviously a lemon cake with pop rocks and ice cream in the center. Like, how else to describe such a cool fella like him?

He nodded approvingly.

It took… ehh… twelve-ish hours to reach the destination. I was a bit out of breath, but not too bad. I got my second wind as soon as I sensed the delightful chakra of my favorite swordsman ever.

"Hey, baby," I said with a wink, happily skipping over to Kisame once I broke through the trees and entered the clearing. "I bet a certain little pretty boy said I could pass through."

"That he did," Kisame said with a huge toothy grin. "How's my favorite little fan girl doing?"

"Perfect now that I get to see you," I flirted, skipping right over to him to hug him around the waist.

And after years of bribing him with cake, goodies, and other fun stuff... _he patted my back_.

I felt the blood rush up to my face and I had to actively struggle not to faint from sheer joy. I couldn't resist nuzzling my face into his chest, and he let me. "I smell something delicious in your backpack."

"You would be correct," I said, reluctantly pulling back to reach into my backpack and give Kisame his apology cake for kidnapping Itachi. He excitedly opened it up, but then blinked in surprise when he realized I wrote: SORRY FOR TAKING ITACHI.

He raised an eyebrow at me. "You're going to kidnap Itachi now?"

"I won't kidnap him, he'll willingly come with me due to my sheer seductive prowess."

Kisame scratched his cheek. "Hmm..."

"You can come with me, too. I promise to bake for you every day," I purred.

"That is _very_ tempting," Kisame told me seriously, "but I'll have to pass for now."

"But, darling—"

"But I might take you up on it later," he finished _AND THEN WINKED AT ME OH MY GOGGLE GODS THANK YOU FOR THIS BLESSING._

I swooned, fanning myself. "My stars. Goggle Gods be praised for blessing my eyes with such a sight."

He laughed, his whole body shaking as he patted me on the head. "Good luck trying to seduce Itachi, hahaha, you're gonna need it kiddo."

"I don't need luck. I have Main Protagonist Pink Hair."

He laughed again, and I bowed before taking my leave.

* * *

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* * *

I skipped right in to the old, decrepit Uchiha fortress and gave Itachi a cheerful wave. "Hi, pumpkin."

"Hello, Sakura-san."

"Just Sakura, please."

He inclined his head politely.

"So, I've been training my chakra resistance and all that fun stuff, so I'm ready for part two to that fun red land," I said with a chirp in my tone. "Come on inside, let me show you something neat."

"I have to admit I've been meaning to inquire further about your... claims," Itachi said. "Are you prepared?"

"As ever. Go as deep as you can!"

As our eyes met, the world around me melted away into red and black.

I fell into a void. It was a bit of an odd sensation. I could feel Itachi there beside me, but then he and I went our separate ways. He stopped falling, whereas I didn't until I landed in knee-deep dark water.

I could hear waves in the distance, and this world was not unlike the world I visited in my latest vision. I drifted further in, and quietly called out, "Inner? Are you here?"

" **Sort of,** " she said, and I saw her.

Sakura.

From the waist up it was Sakura, although a bit of her head and all of her lower body was deteriorating into white, wispy, smoke. She smiled at me, and I felt a pang in my heart. "What's wrong with you?"

" **I'm getting ready to go to leave. I'll join the others soon.** "

"Others? What do you mean _leave_?"

Her gaze was soft. "Lilly. I'm so sorry I couldn't tell you. I wish I could, when I found out, but I had no energy left. I'm more _there_ than _here_ now."

"I-I don't understand." I furrowed my brow, a cold knot forming in my gut.

"You've died so many times," she said softly, reaching out a hand to me. I grasped it immediately, disliking how cold she felt. " _We_ have died so many times. I carry the memories of all our mistakes, and I tried to keep them from you. We chose long ago, after so many times grieving, that it's best to start a life fresh. Sometimes we can't succeed in that, though. All of our mistakes, all of our deaths—we've lived so many times, my friend."

My brow furrowed and my chest tightened. "I don't—"

She hushed me. "It's okay. For some reason we've been stuck in this lifetime. We died against Zabuza at first, you know. Woke up right at the start of team assignments. We died a lot. We couldn't move on, though, because we love them too much. Our spiritual energy had built up enough to anchor ourselves to a single day in a single lifetime. That energy is nearly depleted, though, and this is the last run."

"I—I died? Against Zabuza and Haku?"

"Yes," she murmured. "And many times during the war, or invasions. You didn't think it strange that you awakened the seal so soon, or how you were able to perform heart surgery first try?"

"I did find it strange," I admitted.

She smiled. "It's hard to keep memories. Nao always thinks it's best to start fresh."

"Wha—?"

Sakura cupped my cheek. "This is my goodbye. I'll give my love to Kaa-chan and Tou-chan."

My eyes widened and my breath hitched. "What?! No! You can't—"

"It's okay," she soothed. "I'm always with you. _We're_ always with you."

Sakura rapidly dissolved, and I let out a cry of surprise when she left.

But I was not left alone.

Four others stood around me.

A young girl with pale eyes and hair, and a white butterfly on her head. Her gaze was soft, and tender.

A young woman with brown hair, tan skin, and vibrant green eyes. There was love in her eyes.

Another young woman with dark blonde hair, a calm demeanor, and trademark whiskers. She smiled at me.

And another beautiful woman, with one burning orange eye, and one Sharingan, and a dark demeanor. She cocked her head at me.

"It's funny," the one with green eyes— _Mia,_ I thought, uncertain how I knew that. "It was only one mistake at first. One life there."

"But," Miwako hummed, "when we try to move on, try to start again in our home world, we find _them_ again."

"We love them," Nao said. "We love them more than we care about peace."

"We want them to be happy above all else," Naasica murmured.

"We would sacrifice anything for them," Nao agreed.

"Some friendships last more than a single lifetime," Miwako said.

"Love isn't something that goes away, even in death." Mia smiled at me. "Please look out for my Obi. He's a real sweetie at heart, I promise."

Nao laughed. "And our family. Sissy is so dear to me."

"Please take care of Kurama and Naruto," Miwako asked of me. "Kurama's my dearest friend, tsundere attitude aside."

"I—I will," I promised, uncertain what else to say.

Nao smiled at me, and the butterfly on her head flapped its wings. "I have to go now. Yagura and Madara-san are not patient men."

"Wait, what? Madara? As in _the_ Madara that I swear by his sexiness?"

"He didn't let me die right away," was all she said in response. "It's okay, he's an old soul, too."

"He's a sassy, petulant, brat is what he is," Naasica snorted, but there an odd tenderness in her voice when she spoke about him.

"Please, you love him anyway," Mia immediately dismissed. "That being said, I have grandchildren to watch over. Take care, Lilly. Oh, and tell this Obi that onigiri _is_ not a meal, and I don't give a flying hoot if 'if that's the only thing he knows how to make.'"

"Okay," I agreed, wondering what kind of reaction Obito would have to that.

Nao and Mia both smiled at me again, and then they were gone from the void.

Naasica glanced over at me and smirked. "There's a precious tessen buried six kilometers south of Konoha, underneath a triple-layered genjutsu, and a tree with blue leaves. I would hate to see it deteriorate anymore than it already has. Treasure it for Madara-ue, and myself."

I nodded my head.

Miwako folded her arms and narrowed her eyes. "Kurama is my most precious person. Him and all the other bijū deserve to be free and live in peace."

"Of course," I agreed.

"There's an island off the coast of Wave. It's too far off to build a bridge, and too dangerous to go by boat. It's big enough for all of them, though. Make it safe for them."

"Su—wait, how?"

She rolled her eyes and I had a sudden rush of images forced into my—our—uh—my?—head. They _looked_ like complex fūinjutsu arrays, but I hadn't studied enough in fūinjutsu properly say what the heck they did. I would transcribe them all for Naruto to look at later.

"Tell him—" Miwako hesitated. "Tell him there's someone who still loves him, and when he's ready to disperse, I'll be waiting with Gon and Killua."

"Disperse? _What_? Can bijū _die_? _WAIT WHO?!_ "

But she was gone.

I stared at the woman with burning orange eyes, and she stared back at me.

"Do you regret it?" I asked her.

She cocked her head, a glint of madness in her gaze as a cruel smile stretched over her lips. "Oh, _Blessed_ , you know where your love comes from, don't you? Nao loved her family so much, it carries over in all our lives, but her desperate desire to save Obito created Mia's connection to Obito. She had no chakra network, yet Shiori and Nao still kept calling out to Obito to _save_ him. Those two looped a few more times, never remembering until the end, and then on came a sweet little child with cancer growing all over her because spiritual chakra kept trying to force its way inside of her.

"Miwako is born, confused, angry, and oddly tired. She doesn't remember the loops, but she knows she's frustrated and scared. Then along comes the life before _me._ A different timeline on a chakra-less world, and _all_ those memories jumbled up inside the head of a man who couldn't understand. Crazy, they called me, and cursed is what they howled as they spilled my brains out on the operating table trying to understand what made me so terribly, _terribly_ sad. But as Naasica, can you guess what I remembered? Some of _your_ life as Lilly, some of _my_ life as that poor man, and then bits and pieces of things I couldn't never understand. But, _oh,_ was I tired. I mention only a few lives, but you already know we've been through this _a hundred times_ by this point. You carry Nao and Miwako's love for their family, Mia's affection to Obito, and _my_ devotion to Kisame and Madara who stood by me through that hell."

Her smile stretched even wider. "You call it _your_ love, but it's _ours_. You are the _Blessed_ , the one who will get to carry this burden until the end of time. Live, die, repeat. Remember, forget, repeat. Love, lose, _repeat_."

She sauntered over to me, this beautiful and downright vicious woman. She cupped my face in her hands, leaned down and whispered, "You ask me if I regret it. Let me ask you this now: _Does it even matter?_ Do _you_ even matter? Does this effort mean _anything_? You try to save them, and for what? _For nothing._ It will reset when you die, and then either _you_ get reborn or _I_ get reborn."

She kissed my nose, eyes dancing with malice. "Ask me again if I _regret it_ when _you_ get to stand over their bodies and know that _nothing ever matters_."

She left in wisps of black smoke that tasted like rotting corpses and burning trees.

I was alone in the darkness—actually, no.

I was never really alone anymore, was I?

"Yes," I said to myself. "It _does_ matter. It matters because you—all of you— _are_ me. You all love, and that love is what _I_ feel. It matters because how you—how _we—_ feel _means something_. You wouldn't have been so angry, so hurt, and frustrated over our failures if you didn't care, if it didn't matter. I don't know why things are happening the way they are, or if we will ever be free from this cycle, but that doesn't mean each cycle is meaningless. It doesn't make our efforts be in vain. It means we get _that_ much more time with them. It means we get to fall in love with them all over again. It means we got a chance, a shot, to make things even better than last time. Our endeavours, our adventures, don't mean nothing... 'cause _we_ know they mean everything. _We_ know we did everything we could. _We_ know we will always love them. _We_ know what we've done. And we can carry that into our next cycle, and we can learn, grow, and experience love and life all over again.

"So yes," I finished quietly, "it does matter. And I won't... I won't let you have your way, Naasica. I know you're hurt. I know you're broken, and angry, but I also know you love them just as fiercely."

I held a hand over my chest. "I feel your love for them right here. I promise I'll look after them, so why don't you just rest for a bit, okay? I'll take care of everything."

There was no response to my monologue in that darkness.

But there was no need.

I felt them inside of me.

Nao's unwavering determination.

Mia's fierce love.

Miwako's unbreakable will.

Naasica's burning conviction.

' _It's okay everyone,'_ I told them, closing my eyes. ' _It's going to be okay. I promise.'_

The sound of the ocean waves lapped against the dark shores. The butterflies of Nao's kaleidoscope twinkled up above us like starlights.

' _Yes,'_ I believed. ' _I'll make it okay.'_

* * *

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* * *

"So... howsa about you stop your little plan, and come on back to Konoha," I concluded, wringing my hands anxiously together. Right after my confrontation with the Goggle Gods, I made my way over to Itachi. "Yes? Yes."

He was not just watching my previous life as Lilly, though. He was watching Nao's lives, Mia's lives, Miwako's lives, and even Naasica's life. He flipped through the images, examining the outcomes to the canonical story line.

"You are desperate for a happy ending," he remarked softly. "You believe you need it to break the cycle?"

"I've had plenty of happy endings," I retorted. "I—I don't know what to do to break the cycle."

"Then why are you trying at all?"

"Why wouldn't I? I still love—" Itachi pointedly glanced over at Naasica's story, and I winced. "Okay, um, I plead insanity for that one. I was—I was really tired, fed-up, and annoyed, and I didn't understand _why_ entirely, so it... it just kind of got out of hand. I would have been fine if I hadn't run in to Maddie-hime so early, though!"

"Perhaps," Itachi allowed, looking over some of the more heinous memories. "Mn. I cannot argue with the facts. Revealing the truth to Sasuke almost always leads to a better end."

"Exactly!"

Itachi sighed. "Very well, Lilly. I will return to Konoha with you and Sasuke after telling him the truth of the massacre."

"Woo hoo!"

"I would appreciate it if you refrained from trying to grab inappropriate parts of me, though."

"Awww. How'sabout a daily hug, then?"

"No."

" _Awww_."

* * *

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* * *

We hopped out of my mind, and got ready for Sasuke to show up in all his glorious broodiness. Gottay say waiting in a run down abandoned fortress was a touch creepy—did not help that the place was littered with spiders, rats, and other nasties. I got startled by one too many spiders that I ended up forcing myself on Itachi's lap because I was not in the mood to find some gross bugs crawling on me. Thankfully we didn't have to wait long—maybe only fifteen minutes—before the Uchiha princess himself showed up.

"'Sup Duck-Butt," I greeted, trying to act all nonchalant and like I was not just scared shitless a minute ago by a spider descending the ceiling to land on my nose.

Sasuked looked at me. He looked at Itachi. He looked at me sitting on Itachi's lap.

The sheer amount of _disgust_ and _no_ was downright delightful. Almost made me forget about my traumatic experience of dealing with spiders in this hell hole.

"So," I said, trying not to cackle at his expression, "you ready to keep your promise to me?"

"I didn't try to kill you already," Sasuke snapped. "I never promised not to kill you at the second meeting."

"Uh, well, not that promise but I'd appreciate it if you refrained from trying to kill me for now. I meant the promise that you'd listen to what I had to say before you fought Itachi?"

"What? Are you seriously going to try and persuade me to spare that monster because he's part of your damn harem now?" Sasuke viciously demanded, his cheeks growing more flush with anger.

' _Man I wish,'_ I thought, but shook my head. "No… no… It's about the truth of the Uchiha massacre."

"I already know the truth. Itachi _slaughtered_ them."

"Except, no, he didn't," I corrected. "Tobito killed the majority of them and Itachi did clean up. But that's not the point. I meant do you know _why_ he did so?"

Sasuke and the Akatsuki gave me a look of sheer disbelief.

" _Tobi_?" Deidara repeated, incredulous. "Are you soft in the head, yeah?"

"Tobi. _Tobi_ is a mass murderer?" Sasori demanded. "In what universe are you from?"

"Are you just lying to save Itachi?" Kakuzu inquired. "But why tell such a blatant lie that no one could possibly believe?"

"Who?" Sasuke asked, his eyes narrowing.

"I mean, come on, that much is pretty obvious," I said dismissively, ignoring my Akatsuki peanut gallery. "Itachi was good, but he wasn't _that_ good. There were just as many elite members in the Uchiha Clan, of course he had help. But that's not important here—"

"I would beg to differ!" Sasuke coldy cut in.

"Itachi, your brother isn't listening to me," I said, looking over at the beautiful man.

"Give him the scroll Tsunade gave you," he helpfully suggested.

"Oh, yeah." I pulled out my backpack and tossed Sasuke the verified scroll Tsunade set up to confirm all the events, and to officially invite Itachi back to Konoha.

Carefully, Sasuke unrolled the scroll, his eyes flickering across the page. Word by word, he grew paler and his expression twisting between anger and horror.

Silence fell between us, his face conflicted with so many emotions.

"You're lying."

"I'm not and you know it. Why do you think Itachi really left you alive? To devote yourself to kill him? What kind of serial killer wants to die? And last I checked, Itachi wasn't a diehard masochist like Hidan. You know the real reason he spared you. You remember the reason. You remember his face as he left you there. You buried it so far into you, suppressed it so much you wouldn't give it pause. But think now. Think clearly. Remember. Remember his face. Remember the tension. Remember, Sasuke. Because you know it's true. Itachi didn't spare you on a whim. He spared you because your life means so much to him. He loves you."

"You're lying!"

"Think Sasuke," I repeated, my tone gentle like Mia's. "Think clearly for just one moment and listen to me. I know this hurts. I know this is horrible and I know it would be so much easier to dismiss it, but you have to accept this. Think! Do you really think Itachi could have faked his adoration of you for years? Since he was five years old? Was there ever a point in your life before that night that you doubted him? Think, Sasuke, please."

Sasuke just stared at me, his face morphing into disbelief. "You're lying. You have to be. Itachi's the bad guy. _Itachi is the bad guy_!"

"Little brother," Itachi whispered. So softly, so quietly, I had to strain to hear it. But the raw emotion in that word… said everything.

Sasuke shook his head, his eyes wild. "You're wrong. You're wrong! Kai! Kai! Kai! Kai!"

Just as Sasuke was about to pull out his own katana and jab himself, Itachi and I both lunged forward. My arms wrapped around him and Itachi stood above him, pulling his katana away. Sasuke shook his head. "You're wrong. You're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong!"

"I'm sorry," I whispered, trying to soothe the emotionally distraught boy. "I'm so, so sorry. I'm not lying to you, Sasuke. I swear I'm not. I'm so sorry."

Sasuke just shook his head, staring at me with such a horrified look, I felt awful for telling him the truth. I hated that he felt like this. I hated not being able to help him any more at the moment. What was I to do? What could I do?

Sasuke shook his head, his grip lessening on the scroll as he dropped it and fell to his knees. "This is a mistake. My parents..."

"It's not," I said as gently as I could. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Sasuke was stiff in my arms, as if he just didn't know how to be held. And maybe he didn't. Maybe he was just too used to being alone.

Itachi knelt in front of Sasuke, his voice soft. "I am so sorry."

Finally, Sasuke's eyes dragged up to meet Itachi's.

"By order of the Elders and the forced upon order of the Third Hokage," I murmured flatly, my voice taking an apathetic tone to it. "Uchiha Itachi is hereby ordered to eliminate the entire Uchiha Clan, as the Clan has been accused of holding a coup against Konoha. To prevent a civil war inside of Konoha, Itachi is tasked with eliminating his entire family."

Deidara sucked in a sharp breath. Through the corner of my eye I could see both Sasori and Kakuzu were wide eyed.

"Is it true?" He whispered, still staring at Itachi. At Itachi's silence, his voice grew more frantic. "Is it true?!"

Itachi lowered his head. "Yes."

"They will pay," Sasuke whispered.

"They will. I promise you, if you come back with me you will have your revenge," I agreed. "I know this is a terrible shock to you, Sasuke."

Hesitantly I held him a bit closer. Just enough to let him know that I was here for him, and that I would not be leaving him any time soon. I had a feeling he needed this, somehow. Even if he wouldn't admit it or show it.

I cleared my throat and glanced back at Itachi before looking back at Sasuke. "I know you want to kill Danzō, and I promise you that you will get your chance so long as you come back with me."

"How?" Sasuke demanded.

"Danzō has been breaking the laws of Konoha for years to come. Tsunade-sama and many others have been working hard these past few years to gather enough evidence and destroy his legacy before he could take action, though. If you and Itachi return now… we can put an end to it once and for all. An end to _him_." I grinned and looked back at Sasuke. "So what do you say? Wanna come back with your big brother and kick some Danzō ass?"

Sasuke gave a dark smile. "I never thought I would return to that place. Especially beside my… brother."

"However," I said, holding up a hand. "I grinned. "Okay. Phew, that's a load off my chest. Come on you two, let's head back and grab Duck-Butt's team. Then we can find my team and head on home."

"Home," Itachi murmured.

"Home," Sasuke echoed.

* * *

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* * *

The three of us merrily—well, _I_ was merry while the other two were subdued—made our way back to the glorious Kisame.

But to my horror Suigetsu was actually trying to attack my idol.

Since I simply couldn't allow that to happen, I abruptly threw myself at Suigetsu, kicking him hard enough in the face to daze him while I snarled, "Don't you dare touch Kisame-sama!"

"Welcome back Sakura… Itachi," Kisame nodded toward his partner, his lips twitching in amusement at how I was kicking Suigetsu's watery butt.

"Kisame," Itachi said quietly, approaching the swordsman with a small frown. "I am afraid I must return to Konoha."

Kisame's head snapped around to give me a surprise look. "You actually seduced him?"

"Yep," I lied, stopping my strangling of Suigetsu to focus all my attention on Kisame. "But don't worry, I'd choose you in a heartbeat, baby."

Kisame didn't look like he knew how to respond to that right away. While he was speechless, Sasuke addressed his team. "I am returning to Konoha with them. You are all welcome to accompany us."

"Yeah, c'mon!" I cheered. "Karin and Jūgo, you two can stay with me! Kimimaro is staying with me."

Jūgo glanced up hopefully at that. "Truly? If that is the case, I wish to go to Konoha with you."

"I never got to join your sleep over," Karin said with a grin. "I suppose I can take you up on that offer now."

Suigetsu couldn't respond since I accidentally choked him unconscious but whatever.

"Woo-hoo!"

"Itachi…" Kisame's brow was furrowed as he stared at his partner, drawing the attention back on him. "You know what must be done."

Itachi nodded gravely, and he slowly turned back to me. "Sakura, Kisame and I have a gift for you."

"Is it Kisame-sama joining my harem?" I excitedly asked, my eyes shining.

"Not yet," Kisame said, pulling out a thin red scroll. He held it out to me and I carefully accepted it. "Inside should be enough money for you to start up a bakery in Konoha."

"A bakery?"

"Kiddo, with a baking talent like yours, you're _wasted_ as a kunoichi," Kisame politely informed me.

Itachi nodded in agreement. "We wanted to arrange the option for you, at least."

I was gaping. I mean, like, how else was I supposed to respond? My stomach was filled with warm butterflies, and I felt my cheeks grow warmer than sand under sun. Joyous bubbles filled my heart and I launched myself forward into Kisame's arms. "Thank you! After the war I'll become a baker just for you!"

"Oh, uh, thanks," Kisame said, patting my back.

I sniffled, wiping away at my tears. "This is the greatest day ever."

"Glad, uh, glad we could, uh, help," Kisame said, giving a helpless look over at Itachi while I sobbed happily in his arms. "Itachi? Wanna take the girl now?"

Itachi's lips twitched into a ghost of a smirk. "I think she'd be happier in your arms."

" _Itachi!_ "

"I'm not here to judge."

"Okay," Sasuke cut in, "we're going now. Let's go, you depraved woman."

As Sasuke began to forcibly drag me away I cried out, "I love you Kisame-sama!"

"Thanks, kiddo," Kisame replied looking incredibly uncomfortable under Itachi's adorable smirk.

* * *

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* * *

 **BONUS - On the way back to the main group**

"It's decided," Sasuke said, looking sternly at his brother. "You want my forgiveness for your deception? For what you've done? I know how you will earn it."

Itachi stared back evenly at his younger brother. "What would you have me do?"

He pointed to an oblivious Sakura who was merrily whistling to herself. "You're going to work for her in that bakery shop for every year you lied to me."

Itachi closed his eyes in resignation, while Sakura snapped her head around, an elated expression lighting up her face. "Oh HELL YEAH. That means Plan Hot Men in Cat Uniforms is a GO!"

Sasuke tried not to to smirk at the pained look on Itachi's face.

* * *

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* * *

Haku,

Guess what my cutie patootie? I'm opening up a bakery shop in Konoha in a few months. Already got myself one hot-ass waiter to ogle at all day. WOO HOO!

Hope you like the variety of cookies I sent. I mixed in a few surprises, so let me know how you like them.

With love and kisses,

Sakura

* * *

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* * *

More and more hints about Lilly's story, although I highly doubt anyone will be able to put all the pieces together through just my fanfiction. She's a character I've been working on for several years as a major piece in my original series, _Magic of Dawn_. I will say this, though: if anyone is able to tell me what she is, and what she is doing, I'll happily confirm. Muahaha.

Next chapter will be from the clone's perspective. Hurray for meeting Tobito, and the first glimpse of the Rainbow Stick. Woo hoo!

 **Answer:** It's a dark comedy. I wish it was a sitcom so all my problems were resolved in a timely manner and I got to live in a gorgeous home.

 **Question:** Five of your favorite characters will be transported into this world as puppies/kittens for you to take care of. They will be returned back to human form if they touch hot water, and return to animals with cold water. Who are you taking care of?

Reviews are **love**!

Oh, uh... I guess Miwako's a bit of a spoiler for the next story. *Shrugs*


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